Blame

[Tanager]

Another bad week end. My mid twenties bpd daughter is in school a couple of hours from here and visits every week end. I dread her visits because she demands constant attention, explodes in anger and says horrible things. I have lost count of the times she has called me a f word  b word.  She accuses her dad and I of childhood abuse, causing complex ptsd. Her dad of sexual abuse. I thought we were a close, loving family who centered our lives on our two daughters. Not perfect of course. There is nothing that could hurt more than this. I know you are supposed to believe your child, but I know my husband did not sexually abuse her. He could be harsh and yelled at times, and acknowledges this and has apologized.  He was also playful and loving.   My older daughter denies these events in which  my youngest says she was also present. It hurts her because she asks me how her sister can say that about their dad. There is a lot of fighting between the two of them.  A lot of hurt and anger.They all have strong personalities and I am too gentle and accommodating.  My bpd daughter has an eeg from her stay in an eating disorder center which she says proves that she was abused as a child and has complex ptsd. Is this  possible?   I feel like such a horrible, horrible mother. I love her so much yet I failed her. My husband says he will deal with this, and help her, and he has always been there during every crisis. There have been many. He is more logical and sees the love under the mental illness.  It is strange because she asks him for help and counsel. I need to detach for a little while as I am exhausted and falling apart. Sorry for this rant!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Tananger
The weekends sound awful. What you describe is what so many of us experience. And it is just exhausting and frustrating. It is good that you can 'tag team' with your husband in dealing with it.

Is your dd able to control all the intense emotions at college - or are there outbursts there as well? I imagine if she is controlling them then it is like the floodgates exploding when she comes back.

It was an eye opener to me to find others who were experiencing being blamed for things they didn't do, sworn at and all forms of verbal abuse. I had not known that this was part of the illness, so I took it all to heart and it was a terrible time for me.

I have looked up studies on BPD and the brain is pretty different. I can understand now that the ravings are from this. I found it impossible to rebut or even discuss any of the accusations that are thrown at me during times of verbal abuse.

Have you accessed any information or support as to how to interact with someone with BPD? I think it is good to get all the information you can, then find out which things work best for you.

A couple of years ago now when dd was starting a tirade of abuse and accusations, I said quietly 'I'm not going to talk with you when you are like this as it makes it worse for you and for me'.

Since then I have not engaged with her whenever she has started on me. I have to say the outbursts are less in both frequency and duration. I think it makes sense. When a DD person's emotions are high, anything said or done will intensify them. I think they need space and time to 'come down' from the intense emotions.

One thing that keeps me going is remembering one time when she was getting angry and she said quietly 'I hate it when I go off like this'.

It was the only insight I have had into how it is for her.

I wonder if you could have a weekend away yourself - just to give you a 2 week break to gather your strength? Little breaks are just so beneficial.

Thank you for posting. I am so grateful to people who take the time to post. It makes an enormous difference to know I am not alone.


 

[Tanager]

Sancho,
   Thank you for your kind and helpful post. It truly meant the world to me.  Daughter is here for a very long week end and it has been exceptionally hard. Knowing you and others are sharing your own experiences and wisdom gained really helps.

[Sancho]

Hi Tanager
Sorry it's been so tough. I've had a good spell recently ie a couple of weeks, but explosions this morning.

It is such a hard way to live! But it really does make a difference when you know you are not alone - that somewhere, someone is going through it - really helps me.