Figuring out what I've learned

[livednlearned]

While it's hurtful that your father put his trust in your brother, like Turkish said- it's about the usefulness to the family dynamics- not who is the most trustworthy or competent. It's not personal to you. You may also have been seen as the most differentiated to them.

I am feeling even more radical acceptance as I see signs my adult child mother absorbing the news that uBPD brother will make decisions about her health and well-being if my dad goes first. I see her  punishing my dad with passive aggression. It will go nowhere because it never does. My dad has a chuckle when he sees her using these tactics to get her way. The chuckle means, I see you there trying to advocate for yourself. And yet, your needs fall beneath mine. Dismissed.

For the first time in my life, I see how little power I ever had to influence these dynamics and I accept that when and if uBPD brother makes a decision that I disagree with, the sad truth is that they created that outcome for themselves, with intention.

It is a relief to not take this personally.

[livednlearned]

You should be extremely proud of what you've accomplished.

  thank you for saying that Turkish. I downplayed achievements as a kid because it drew attention, and attention ended badly with a deeply insecure uBPD sibling. Accepting positive recognition from others is something I'm learning to do. 

It's sad, to say the least, that your dad put your low-functioning brother in charge of him.  You've done enough.

Amen.

I'd say that you're not in the fold because you're more differentiated as an individual as opposed to an accessory to Family stability, such as it is. Seen as a threat, you as a mirror make them uncomfortable.

It makes so little sense that I am a threat, though I see what you're saying. The ways in which I assert myself are so under the radar. Same as the way I am with SD25. It is the absence of what I do or say, more than the presence of what I do or say. That's how I get by.

consider the cost if you don't speak up.

The cost has been through the roof already.

Totally  agree with the notion that the golden child never gets to be a person, only an appendage.

Do you feel that applies to the scapegoat as well? I never felt like I was a real person to anyone in my family. Although I suspect it was easier for me to recognize I wasn't attached and could differentiate and get distance (especially after going through a BPD divorce and being more or less forced to make sense of underlying family dynamics).

I actually feel sorry for golden child brother, now that mom and dad are gone he is growing ever more mentally unstable.

I don't really understand the differences and similarities between full-blown BPD/NPD and golden child traits but it does seem like there is a continuum.

As I go through this, whatever this is, it feels like I'm setting something heavy down. A big bag of grief and hope and disappointment. I am feeling peace from this that I hope is here to stay.