Giving in to ex-H too easily regarding child's school?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am going to ask her that. Thank you.

Not that I'd want to say to ex, "Ha ha, I get to choose!" Especially moving her from one place to another. But I could subtly invoke the agreement if he won't participate next year. Only snag is, the school wants both parties to submit financial info. So it'd be nice if he's agreeable next year.

Not sure what else I should say to PC, but she does work with children (and is a forensic evaluator) so may have some clarity.

[Mommeredith81]

I am going to ask her that. Thank you.

Not that I'd want to say to ex, "Ha ha, I get to choose!" Especially moving her from one place to another. But I could subtly invoke the agreement if he won't participate next year. Only snag is, the school wants both parties to submit financial info. So it'd be nice if he's agreeable next year.

Not sure what else I should say to PC, but she does work with children (and is a forensic evaluator) so may have some clarity.

[kells76]

You could try a "reverse framing" -- "I want to make sure that neither parent is needlessly shut out of decision making, because I know the kids do better when we're on the same page. Can you help us figure out what the PP says about who is responsible for choosing the kids' schools?"

Are there any other gray areas in the PP? Would you be willing to "gift" one of those areas to your kids' dad for him to be "tiebreaker" or "decision maker" and then you get education decision making? I'm thinking of something like religious decision making, orthodontic decision making, "dangerous activities" decision making, etc. You know him best; would he be receptive to a session where the PC "clarifies roles" and he feels like he "got something he is in charge of" or "is the tiebreaker on" at the same time that the PC clarifies that you are ed tiebreaker?

the school wants both parties to submit financial info.

Is this a "nice to have" or a "need to have" for the school? Wondering what they'd say if asked how they've navigated other two-household situations that are "less than cooperative".

[ForeverDad]

In my state there is a designation of one parent as the "residential parent for school purposes".

In my final decree we had Shared Parenting where everything was equal but one parent had the residence which determined which school the children attended.  I made sure I was that parent in our settlement.  I suspected correctly that my ex would move around from apartment to apartment and I didn't want to follow her to a different school whenever she moved.  Another reason was that I also didn't trust her with possible home schooling ideas.

I'm assuming your state doesn't let you take your public school funding and apply it to supplement the private tuition?

[Mommeredith81]

Yeah, I don't think you can apply it. Do they do that in some states? You can only apply it to home schooling.

Even if I did say "Well, I get final school decision making," I'd end up with a pretty angry ex for that one. But I will ask PC what the stuff in the agreement means. Moving her to this school this year would be a change of circumstance. Next year she has to change to middle school anyway so I think that'd be less legally abrupt. Still, getting clarity from the PC will help me.

[formflier]

Hey...  a big picture observation..that I'm curious if you will "see it" as well.

There is a big vibe in your posts of "I need to do this so my (fill in blank) will be (insert good emotion)" and also I can't do this because my (fill in blank) will be (insert bad emotion)?

I'm curious if you can quantify in some manner how much time you spend evaluating decisions from the "emotional perspective" and how much you spend evaluating it from the "logical perspective"   (such as do we have money, can logistics be worked out...etc etc)

Please don't read into this any judgment that one is better than the other...I'm curious about how you see what's going on in your "thought life".

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

That's actually helpful.

I have had a lot of regrets in life, most not serious, but they DO affect me. Some are just irrational, but a few make me wonder, what if I'd thought more about it and prepared better?

So I want to evaluate this decision smartly.

Logic: Daughter probably can go next year. It would make sense to save money. It would make sense to keep her in current school one more year.
Logic: She has a better chance of going if we send her now (since she's already in) and she also has a decent grant now.
Logic: If I send her, I'd want ex to at least feel comfortable with it and know that he's not about to change his mind, so I'd want us to get on the same page via a conversation with the PC, including making sure he won't flip flop once I pay the deposit.
Emotions: I don't want her to be sad, so would rather send her now. Then I don't risk her not getting in next year.
Emotions: Change is a bit scary. I know what her current school is like, it's bigger, and ex doesn't interfere. Sometimes it's nice to stick to a situation you know.

If I evaluate based on logic, I'm still not sure whether to let this drop for now and have her apply next year, or see if ex is willing to let her go this year if I pay for it (and if we have a convo with the PC to make an agreement on pay). This is really the big decision now - figuring out if I want to let it go for this year and hope we can apply again, or trying to see if ex will send her this year if I pay. I have a few projects lined up to make extra money, and I can forgo a few things, but just not sure if it's taking on too much.

[formflier]

It would appear I'm the "flip side" of you.  I'm mister logical and I rarely consider feelings.  So...when big decisions come up, I have to be deliberate about evaluating the emotional impact on (fill in the blank)..because it won't come naturally...to me.

Running the spreadsheet of logic in my head...I don't even break a sweat.

Then...remember...part of raising a child is helping them deal with emotions and also to be able to work through "logical thought".

So...if you and your daughter are more on the emotional side...then perhaps the "growth" lies in more logical thought.

Perhaps..

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

Thanks. Taking the emotion out of it does make it a bit clearer, but there are so many arguments for or against, that I just can't seem to make a decision. Argh. Not sending her for now seems ok, but for some reason I keep stalling and can't make my fingers write that response saying she's not going this year. The idea of having her apply again in fall seems so frustrating when she's already in, but it's not that hard a process.

[formflier]

So...I'm trying to lead you to "see" that there is no right or wrong answer (and that's kinda a big life lesson for you AND ALSO to teach your kid.)

Scenario 1:  You decide to give it a year.  Your child will become more resilient and experience the ability to "rise to the occasion".  The "I came in second place...so I'm going to try harder next year for first."

Scenario 2:  You send her.  Your child will get to experience first hand the obvious financial struggle that will come with this decision (I get it she will not be earning it...but she will have a "front row seat".  Should you decide to send her...don't "shield" her from the impact of that.)

Said another way...it's about your parenting and your relationship with your child.  You can make either scenario work.   (of course with the added joy of BPDish stuff thrown in...but again...that's life, the earlier your daughter starts to "see" that..the better)

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

Yup. I guess I have 2 decent options.
I think it makes sense to wait a year. The only fear is that for some reason, she doesn't get in again (or ex puts his foot down even if I'm willing to pay for it).
My PC said she'd be open to having a conversation with us early next week before I say no. But I'm still not sure what I'd hope to accomplish, except feeling him out to see if he'd change his mind next year. And really, he's not going to know now how he feels next year. Maybe I'm asking for trouble and should just say no and revisit in a year. Meanwhile, daughter can express to him that she wants to apply.
I don't know...I suppose I want to make sure that saying "no" now isn't no forever, but he's not going to make any promises in that regard.
If he says it's a no for next year too, I just will say I want to leave the door open so she has options.

[formflier]

Another big life lesson...

Promises about the future, while they may sound good...are actually "ignoring" the time and events that will happen between now and then.

Make your decision for now and move on.

A year from now you will have another years worth of "data" and that additional data may alter what you "promised"...so...don't "promise".  Focus on making good decisions in the present.

Hopefully that reads ok...been a long day...but I think you get the point.

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

Yes I do get the point!
And thanks for responding after a long day.
I think some of my fear comes from guessing about what may happen a year from now, but I need to stop doing that.
It's becoming clear to me that I probably can't pay for this school now. But I means a lot to my D and I want to leave the door open. I'm sending an email to my H tonight to see if he wants to talk to the PC with me before I say no. If he does, I'll just feel him out about the future, and we'll probably still say no for now. If he doesn't want to discuss, then I'm sure about the decision for now and can say I gave it a shot. Things are otherwise going well now and I want to make sure I don't cause unnecessary problems, while also doing what's best for my D.
It was hard in the last few weeks to tell her she probably isn't going now, and she still feels bad, but understands the reasons and I think is happy for other things in her life. But I know she's also hopeful she'll get to go someday. I hope exH can understand that. He has the kids this weekend and then early next week I'll give the school my answer.

[Mommeredith81]

I have a bit of clarity now.
After talking to my PC, I sent my exH an email saying I think we should talk to the PC about pluses and minuses of sending her to this new school in fall. I said that if we don't send her now, they will consider her again for next year too.
His simple response was, "I need to save money and get a new apt."
He doesn't seem against the school, and probably could be convinced to sign an agreement stating I pay for all of it. So the next question becomes, do I want to do that with him? (My PC is willing to do that if I want.)
And something is telling me no. It's largely money - my credit is shot, I'm paying huge interest, I need emergency money and need to save up. Plus I don't know that I want to give up the last year of public elementary school for my daughter where I know they have services and safety for her if she needs them.
But I also know my daughter was really hoping to start this new school in fall, since the school starts in 5th, everyone is new, and it'd be a special year. She likes so many things about it and it hurts her not to go.
But she is hopeful about next year and applying again. I think I could save more money and feel more comfortable sending her. Since ex doesn't seem angrily against sending her - just his paying - I think we could get him on the same page for her to start there in 6th grade. I think if I push him now, it could cause some tumult that could make her even less likely to attend ever.
The wildcard is the school itself, since they now know how broke we are. She may apply again for next year and she could be rejected this time. With things opening up, the school will have more visibility. They'll be participating in public art shows etc.
But honestly, I think the chances are good that she'll get a shot to go there someday, if they don't totally hate us now. (And really, they haven't had a view of my inner turmoil, only now know how awful our finances are, and my debt).
If she doesn't get a chance again next year, I will indeed keep thinking back to this time and say "Why didn't I act like a Mama Bear and make an agreement with my ex that I'd pay and she'd go. I could have done it." But I feel like it could cause some turmoil in different ways to do that - not just financial, but I think pushing him on an agreement now makes me uncomfortable, for some reason. Maybe because I am myself a little on the fence about starting her this year and paying for 4 years. I don't think this year would be a "trial year," I think she'd want to stay, and that could be a burden that could cause me a lot of anxiety. If she starts next year, that's 3 years and that's better.
I feel okay saying no now, because it's probably not forever. I feel like my kids need to be in a home that right now isn't so broke we can't afford ice cream when they ask (they ask for things often).
Maybe my own anxiety is holding me back. I still have the weekend to think about it, and I will definitely be thinking.
But part of what I wanted to be sure of was that ex wasn't going to change his mind about this after I said "no." By next year, daughter can keep convincing him of why she wants to go to this school. If I pay for it, it might be a really good option for her for middle school. (As long as they don't get hit with a wave of applicants post-covid and shut her out.) She's going to have to keep her grades up, too.
(All of these what-ifs are why I still deliberate...but at least I have a little clarity from ex. I didn't want to say "no" and have him say, "I said she could go.")
I still may be doing the wrong thing by not grabbing this opportunity now. The payment plan they offered to us is not hard. But it's not just money right now. I think I'm reluctant to change the status quo when I don't have to...and when we may be in a more stable situation 6 months from now.
We will probably still talk about all of this at our quarterly PC appointment in late May. But I guess the conversation will be more, when they consider her for 6th grade instead, we can talk then about making an agreement."
I did ask PC about our divorce decree which says I'm responsible for enrolling her in school and paying for it. She said that doesn't necessarily mean we don't have to both agree...but it's a starting point.
I don't know if all of that sounds rational, but at least I have a plan.

[formflier]

His simple response was, "I need to save money and get a new apt."
 

I hope it's ok to offer a guy's...a Dad's point of view on what he could possibly be trying to say.

When I read this...I "hear"..."Wow..that' sounds great, but I can't possibly even imagine doing this until (money, apartment)."   I don't hear a promise that he will say yes or no.

Very similar to any other "big thing" that is "possible", but would take a lot of effort.

I say this for you to be mindful that if at all possible...or to the max extent possible, I think your daughter will benefit from Dad and Mom "being on the same page" or "close to the same page"...vice Mom and Dad being in a Yes and No disagreement.

Can we move on to finances?  (and perhaps this is another thread).

You can't control your hubbys choices...but you have 100% control over yours...so focus there.

If you said..."Let's put off even considering school until next year" and for the next 12 months...I'm going to get all my unsecured debt paid off."

Is that possible? 

As I have aged (I'm in my 50s now)...I'm less and less fond of debt.  Your income is your most powerful wealth building tool available, I would encourage you to NOT make choices to hand your income to banks, credit cards and the like.

I haven't paid a car payment since 2005.  The last truck I bought (now the proud owner of a duramax "service body" truck...all the toolboxes all over the back) I paid cash for.  Yes it "hurt" to hand over about $16k...but I love the truck and have a peace about it knowing that I don't have to worry about paying for it every month...I can "worry" about using the truck to increase my income...vice giving it away.


Last:  Yes math is important in finances..I love spreadsheets, yet I  initially resisted the idea that how you spend money is a "psychology issue" and NOT just "a math problem".  Yet like debt..the older I get I realize that so many of the things I do with money are about how I think and feel...vice how well I run a spreadsheet.

Your kiddo is lucky to have such an engaged Mom.  Keep up the good work!

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I can't tell you what to decide- as FF said, there's a lesson to each decision.

I have experienced what it feels like to be over extended financially, both as a child and as an adult. This is a stressful situation.

As a teen, my father over extended himself to provide what my BPD mother wanted. I emphasize want, not need. He did meet our needs but he was financially strapped and tense about it and this was very apparent to us. I chose to attend an affordable college under these circumstances.

Later on, as a student myself, I experienced financial constraints. Shortly after, I somehow learned the idea of spending within one's means and how this isn't necessarily related to income. People can spend beyond their means at any income. I learned that ( beyond meeting basic needs- you need shelter, food, clothing) spending within one's means might sound like someone is going without. However, there's a certain freedom in this. There's an emotional aspect to debt.

It sounds like if your child attends this school- you will be more overextended- and not just for one year - it's a several year commitment. Your D will still have her wants, as all teens do. A dress for the school dance, doing things with her friends. The cost of clothing and shoes is higher for teens than children- as they approach adult size.

There isn't a way for children your D's age to fully understand this kind of financial decision. I don't think I did as a teen, but I did feel the stress and tension and experienced my father snapping at me if I asked him for a new dress and the arguments between my parents.

As FF said- your D will either experience this new school and then learn that there are other things she can't have, in order to budget for it. Or she will learn that the school is not within your budget if you say you are unable to afford it. On your part, please consider the additional stress on you if you decide to send her.

[Mommeredith81]

Thanks to both of you for reading my long post and bearing with me for so long! It really helps when I can't talk to the person I actually *should* be deciding this with, and when I question my perspective so much.
It IS a decision for a few years.
Yes, Formflier, a Dad's perspective DOES help. I did want to make sure he wasn't changing his mind, and he's not. Which is fine for me for now. We'll revisit next year. And by the way, before my divorce, I had excellent credit and enough savings that I could have bought a car with cash (well, a cheap one) and hated debt. But I also knew during the divorce that paying for a good lawyer at the time could save me money later - so I paid for my lawyer via credit cards. And that's why I'm in so much debt. Also didn't want to deny my kids experiences (small vacations, etc).
NotWendy, correct. The small amount of credit I have left needs to go to things we need and things kids ask for. It'll be very stressful to be so far in the hole we can't get out. The grant the school gave us is a nice one so I do feel kind of bad - the money seems like an amount I should be able to come up with on my own, but yes it's a commitment for a few years. I'd rather start next year if I can.
Things could change. Sassy daughter may not even want to apply again in 6 months, but it seems like she will. And if she doesn't, well, then, no issue. But we do have a few PC meetings between now and then, and that gives us time to get ex on the same page. I feel hopeful I'll be in a better financial situation for next time, if there is a next time.
It's just hard to say no to something you like - it's like being unemployed and getting 2 great job offers and not knowing if you're doing the right thing if you turn 1 of them down. (That happened to me a few years ago. I think I did make the right choice, and it's hard to know. I don't think about it much, so I probably did. But I've also had regrets and questioned myself 1,000 times on things I missed out on, and so I guess that's why I didn't want to take the easy way out here.)
We have to pass this school often, and that makes daughter sad, but I've tried to turn that into a positive and tell her some things that we could do to make up for it. So we are moving forward. I just may still question this after I give it up.
(And what if I say no next week or the school offers us more money? Then I'll be in a tizzy again about what to do. ;) But I think I will email them Tuesday to say we can't go next year, but I know my daughter hopes to join the school community someday. They are back from break and will likely reach out.

[ForeverDad]

On the one hand, it would be good for him to have "some skin in the game" by financially supporting his daughter, even if it is only a little.  So be careful about stating you'll foot the entire bill.  My sense is you're signaling a level of "I have to shoulder this no matter what."

On the other hand, besides his mental predispositions and issues, he may feel "I didn't sign on to this, public school was expected and factored into child support, added tuition expenses, not so much."

I can't side one way or the other.  All I can add is that once you make a decision, then your stress should dissipate.  Choosing a path and taking that first step is the hardest, the next steps will be much easier to contemplate.

[formflier]

Hey...no need to get into exact details and figures...but it would be a helpful process to figure out "what it would take"...to pay off all your debt in a year. 

A related idea, why not take the money you would spend to send your D to school...and pay that towards paying off for a year.  That way you could actually experience what it would be like to have that money "leave" your wallet each month for a year.

If it turns out you handle it just fine, then your decision next year is very easy...or at least finances aren't a major part of it.

If you are not able to "pay for school" for 12 months...then it would seem unwise to even let your child reapply. 

If you "paid for school" for 12 months...how close would you be to paying off all the credit cards?


Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

I'm not going to pay those credit cards off any times soon. It's almost all divorce debt. I haven't even had a chance to wrap my head around other ways out of it than to pay the minimum each month. Maybe I have to look at that this summer.

[formflier]

So..really more of a math question.

You obviously have a number of how much per month it will be to send your kid to school this year.

So..take that number and "send her to school"...but actually send that as extra to your debt.

Then 11 or 12 months from now you look back and can see if you were able to make those payments "easily"...or if you "barely made it"...or "missed it by a long shot".

Then you knock out two birds with one stone.  You get to "feel" what it's like to pay for private school...and you also get to pay down some debt.

Thoughts?


Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

It's a good concept. I may well try that. Thanks, FF!

And try to figure out other ways out of debt. Way too much interest each month.

[Notwendy]

I am going to propose an idea...

How to manage money is an important skill- something we want to know and also a skill we teach our children. ,

I understand that certain circumstances involve debt/loans at times. Most people would not be able to buy homes, or cars, and in your case, pay a lawyer- for things that are important for them.

Managing a loan is part of managing money. Financial advisers often propose plans along the lines of ( and the percentages are according to what you can manage) something like putting a percent of your salary to savings, a percent to paying off debt, and then the rest becomes your cost of living budget.

While we use numbers/math to budget, there is an emotional side to how people spend money. Money is often a big issue in a dysfunctional relationship. No two people have exactly the same ideas about money and so how a couple agrees on their spending reflects their ability to discuss it and agree, and stick to the budget. So if discussion and agreement is something they have difficulty with- money will be part of that.

I got this lesson early- in my teen age years. BPD mother has emotional needs and one is external affirmation. One way she feels affirmed is with material things. She would "have to have" something. My father always tried to make her happy by making sure she'd have what she wanted.

My father earned all the income in the family and we usually had enough for material needs but at some point in my teens, I became aware that he was in debt. He would not say no to my mother. There were arguments over money that we heard. The stress on him was evident. I would approach him about how we could spend less and his answer was that we could not. Then, if I asked him for something I wanted he'd snap at me. I don't think he'd have acted like this if there wasn't the stress.

There's an emotional cost to debt. While some debts may be necessary,   having a plan to pay off the debt can bring a sense of control which helps with the stress. So what is a better "gift" to your daughter- making a plan to pay off this debt or over extending yourself with this school?

For most people, we see things we want, and then think about if we can afford them. Teens will want material things. They want what their friends have, or what they see on TV. It's up to parents to say honestly if they can't afford it "honey this isn't in the budget". This is how teens learn about budgets.

My own thoughts to this are- if you are only able to pay the credit card interest every month, then can you afford to take on the cost of a private school, especially since her public school is adequate?  When someone only pays the interest off a loan, the debt remains and over time becomes a much larger sum of money paid in total. Self care can include having a sense of control over your budget and this debt.

It is still your choice though but something to consider.

[formflier]

My own thoughts to this are- if you are only able to pay the credit card interest every month, then can you afford to take on the cost of a private school, especially since her public school is adequate?  

How else would you propose to figure out "if you can afford it"?  (it being the monthly cost of private school)

Also...please don't read any criticism or negative judgment into my ideas or words.  My Dad, Grandfather and Uncle were all bankers in addition to being farmers.  (Think a town with one bank that was named for something in the town...not a chain)

I'm certainly not a "never debt" person.  The family bankers (above) always pushed their clients to identify "what will this debt improve or solve?"   They were usually generous and  easy on qualifications for those with a well thought out plan.  They often turned people  down (even if they could "afford" the loan) when it was obvious they were using debt to "avoid making choices"...or because it was the easiest path.


From all appearances, it appears you "made a choice" to use debt to get to a better and more productive lift (on the other side of divorce).    Nothing to be negative about there...although I imagine you have "very complicated feelings" about the entire divorce process (and that's probably a polite way to say it)

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

And interest rates are only going to go up.  If you're only paying the monthly minimums, that's an attention priority.

Me?  I divorced over 15 years ago.  My current mortgage balance is more than the balance before the divorce and equity payout.  Recently I refinanced to get a lower rate, but I still have nearly 15 years to go.  I have no revolving CC bills because I pay them off every month.  My old car got crunched last year in a slow motion oopsie.  I need all the new safety features and now have that monthly payment as well.  Right now my SS pays less than half my monthly expenses, the rest comes from my retirement.  I wonder what I'll do when that runs out, though I feel in better financial shape than you.

[Mommeredith81]

Yeah, I know, I know, debt sucks. I really had zero debt and plenty of money in the bank before my divorce. But I'm not going to say no to small vacations and stuff for my  kids right now. (I don't have big expenses otherwise...I'm fancy like Applebee's)  ;)

If I get decent financial aid, the monthly cost of the private school isn't so high. I'm already planning to say no for this year. I do think in a year's time I'll be in better financial shape if she gets in. I have a steady job and some other money that may come in.

Yeah, I should think about interest rates rising and such. I just hate thinking about money. But I guess I have to set aside time for that (because you know us single parents have so much extra time, ha ha).

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. I got a nice email ready to send the school on Monday, declining. I do hope my D gets another chance in a year. Also hoping they don't think badly of us now that they know I have sky-high debt.

[formflier]

  I just hate thinking about money. 

It's a good thing that you can "see" and express how you think about this. 

I'm also just as sure that this is an area of your life to "dig a little" and see what's behind this.  Most likely what you find will help you be a better parent, especially if it helps you guide your child to a "more effective" way of looking at money.

Do you also have insight about "why you feel the way you do about money"?

Best,

FF

[Mommeredith81]

I just have so many stressors, thinking about money is one more. If I focused on that, my life would be too depressing. I manage.

So anyway, last Monday I emailed the school to say my daughter can't attend this year, but we may apply again for the following year. It's still breaking my heart though, even more than hers. I worry about her not getting in next year, but I'll have to prepare her for the possibility. And I guess she could always try for 7th grade the following year too, but things get harder.

I wish I could have made the decision 2 months from now. Ex and I will meet with PC late next month and I'll have to talk about her applying again.

I did reach out to him once more to see if he was willing to talk to PC about her attending this year, and his answer was just "I don't have enough money. I have to get a place to live." I suppose I still could have finagled a way to pay myself and gotten him to sign an agreement about that...I guess I didn't want to feel like I was dragging him into supporting it. I felt like the hurdles were too big.

I told them we couldn't send her this year because of changing financial circumstances, but we may apply again for 6th grade. They said "We certainly understand. We know _____ will be a valued member of any school community she joins. We hope we see her 'down the road'. If we may ever may be of assistance, know that you can always reach out." Do they seem annoyed, or understanding? They kind of went silent after my meeting with them, so I never knew if they were just giving us time to decide, or were peeved. I think the former, but no way to know.

[Notwendy]

I think trying to read more into it isn't helpful. They need to reply in a professional manner. They can't promise her a spot next year- she has to reapply with the rest of the applicants. They can't change the financial situation and that isn't something they can comment on. Being silent to let you decide is a professional stance. I think their response was very appropriate for their situation.

Her father replied he would not contribute financially and you aren't able to pay for it at the moment. You've informed the school. At this point, it's best to let it be and move forward. Keeping this as an emotional issue won't be in the best interest of you and your D. Having a "grass is greener" belief in this school won't help her to navigate her current school - if there's pre-teen drama, or a tough assignment. These things could also be at the other school.

[formflier]

I wish I could have made the decision 2 months from now. Ex and I will meet with PC late next month and I'll have to talk about her applying again.

 

Can I encourage you NOT to do this?  Drop the matter until your finances are straightened out.

Yours not his.

If you get to a place where you are clear (not supposing..but spreadsheet clear) that you can afford it regardless of your ex's finances...then consider applying again.

I would encourage you to "spend" your emotional reserves focused on your relationship with your daughter and your relationship with money.

Essentially I'm saying "ditto" to Notwendy saying that "keeping this as an emotional issue " is unlikely to be helpful.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree with not reapplying unless /until your finances change. If you do, you may risk her being disappointed again.

In addition, this attitude of "that was the better school" will impact how she adjusts to this one. Although she will change schools ( middle school) next year, it's very possible she will make friends and be happy to move on with them- if you let it happen.

Your attitude has an impact on her. One of  my extended family's grandchildren attended a school they didn't think highly of, and due to the attitude of the family, this child was unhappy. For one of my children's friends, it was their dream school and that child was very happy there.

None of this had anything to do with the school- the school was  fine. It had more to do with the parents' attitude towards it. If they believed it wasn't good enough, neither could their child.

I know of students who chose to attend a junior/community college over a more costly four year one, in order to save money. Then they transferred and did just fine in their chosen major.

While I know this is at the college level, consider your D is even younger and your influence on her is key here. I urge you to make the best of the school you can afford, and allow her to do this as well.