UpstateMom2
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1
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« on: March 31, 2022, 10:10:42 AM » |
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First post: I'm curious how much financial support other parents provide for their adult children with BPD? We are struggling with what, if anything, to do for our daughter (27).
Background: ASD/LD history going back to preschool, many hospitalizations/suicide threats/cutting starting age 12. Some promiscuous activity that resulted in assault (hence PTSD). Ended up in a self-contained education setting for kids with social/emotional disorders, but completed her HS diploma. We supported her financially through eight years of part-time college. You know the drill -- many starts/stops/dropouts/re-enrolls/switches of schools, careers, majors, but she finally graduated with a BA in early education last year, from an online asynchronous program. She worked many part-time jobs during that time, but they usually wouldn't last very long. Occasionally would live at home in-between boyfriends/schools/jobs, but mostly on her own, not always successfully. Since graduating, she's been unable to hold a job for more than a few months -- usually due to interpersonal issues with managers and coworkers. She was first identified as "at risk" for BPD around age 15, and was formally diagnosed three years ago. She's in day treatment now, and on the advice of her therapist is applying for SSI. Not sure she'll qualify, as I understand most people are rejected the first time, but perhaps she will with her extensive history. In the meantime, she has no source of support.
She lives in a crappy apartment in an unsafe neighborhood, and is 3 months behind on the rent. She lives with her boyfriend, who pays for the food and utilities. I recently paid for her auto insurance after learning she was driving around with an uninsured and unregistered car, because both our names are on the title and I didn't want the liability. If I take my name off the title, I suspect she'll sell the car, which I purchased for her, and spend the money. We live in an area where a car is a necessity. We really don't want her moving back home, as that usually ends in a blowup within a few months. She also has a dog and three cats (and the boyfriend has a rabbit) -- which, obviously, she can't afford, and I don't really want in my home either.
We are able to help her financially, but:
1) We have five daughters. We can't do the same for all of them.
2) Supporting her financially while we are working is possible, but will delay retirement. Not sure it's possible during retirement given our level of savings, etc.
3) I've been conditioned by 27 years of behavioral modification plans to think making her life harder will change her behavior. It's never worked, but still. I'm afraid just giving her money is reinforcing the idea that she shouldn't/can't work.
4) I resent the idea of giving her money when she's spending so much on pets she never should have gotten in the first place. I'm okay with one or two, but not four or five!
5) We've conditioned financial support in the past on attending treatment, and she generally drops out, lies about attendance, and resents us for "using money to control her". So even though I'm happy she's now in treatment, that's not in itself an argument for financial support.
My thoughts are to either pay her rent, or buy her a modest house/condo/townhome with a special needs trust. Trouble with buying a place is that I'm afraid she'll trash it (she once got kicked out of an apartment because the smell was so bad). She can't find a decent apartment that will allow five pets (her current slumlord doesn't care). If I condition the support on getting rid of some of the pets, she will hold it against me forever. I try to give her ways she can help me out in exchange for money, but she's notoriously unreliable -- recently I asked her to dog sit, and she "overslept" and my dog never got let out. On the other hand, when it's on her schedule and her terms, she can be super helpful and sweet. I just never know when that's going to be the case.
I recently read a study that said that 40% of people with BPD were on disability at any one time, with 60% on it at some point over a 10-year period, with about half going on and off over time. This has helped me come to terms with her going on SSI -- I'm afraid it's a dead end, but if I accept she has BPD, I should accept this is part of the reality, and it may not be forever. I guess I'm having trouble accepting that she really is unable to work, even though she has such a long history of significant challenges. And I worry that making it too easy for her to live on SSI will disincentivize her to work on the issues preventing her from being independent.
It would help to know what is typical/normal/expected for parents with adult children with BPD. I realize everyone has different financial resources, so it's not as simple as just deciding to help or not. Nevertheless, I'd appreciate knowing what you all do, or what you've found is typical for parents of adult children with BPD. Sorry so long, and thanks in advance!
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