I guess I'm just not sure how to move on.

[bn182]

I was in a 2 year long relationship with someone who was diagnosed with BPD about 6 months ago. Things had began to slowly go down hill for around the past year, although when they left for school in the winter, the distance and other events had just made continuing the relationship seemingly impossible. I care about this person a lot and believe I exhausted every effort I could to try and keep things alive but after they had left they confessed they just didn't have a romantic interest in me anymore and couldn't really give a reason as to why. This is still something that I still find really difficult to cope with.

Although, now about 2 months after the break up things are almost worse than they were during the relationship. I at first felt I just needed distance from this person and take time to heal as I couldn't see anything good coming from me being around while I still had romantic feelings, but honestly somewhat to my surprise they absolutely hated the fact that I was making no effort to communicate anymore and told me that they really wanted me to still be active in their life but just not as a romantic partner. I tried to explain that I just didn't think anything good could possibly come from me being around while I still had romantic feelings but they begged me to try, and told me that it would destroy them to lose me completely.  Although I didn't see anything good coming from this I agreed to give it a try as I did, and still do care tremendously about this person and their overall well being, but I'm basically suffering at the expense of it. For example they have unwantedly made me aware that they've already had romantic hook-ups with other people and one night I got a phone call from her number in the middle of the night, usually this means bad news but this night it was some random drunk guy saying hello. I just hung up. I took this as another opportunity to try and distance myself from them which was again met with sorrow and a claim that they "were really drunk and don't have any memory of the night at all." I honestly just have no idea what to do and no idea why I even still care as much as I do given how I've been treated. I just honestly think I couldn't live with the guilt of something bad happening to them as a result of me leaving this situation, but I can never see myself moving on, growing or healing in anyway if things remain the way they are. I really don't know what to do. I wish there was an outcome where both of us could be happy and they could be safe.

[once removed]

people with bpd traits, generally speaking, can be really insensitive and selfish after a breakup.

having said that, anyone who has initiated a breakup is going to tend to be emotionally further along than the person they broke up with, more concerned with their own feelings, and generally oblivious to ours. so, youre dealing with that, at the very least.

the insensitive and selfish part is that shes expecting you to put aside your feelings, even after youve made them known, to ease hers. you are under no obligation to do that, of course.

thats the thing about breakups. one ex cant help the other ex heal, and it isnt at all fair of her to expect you to do that, any more than it would be for you to expect her to do that.

whether or not you choose to remain friends with her, or eventually become friends with her down the road, her pain is hers to manage; you have your own pain to manage.