Undiagnosed BPD wife demandied divorce 2 weeks ago

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My (stb x) spouse and I have been together 13 years and married 8 as of March 23rd... the day after our anniversary she drops this. We are mid 30s and have no children.

She is not diagnosed with BPD but is diagnosed with cPTSD and other anxiety disorders all stemming from trauma. I actually have a degree in psychology and have worked in the local inpatient psychiatric hospital for some time until recently. Point being, I can say without a doubt that she has a BPD, diagnostic criteria and all.

She also has a very severe form of endometriosis that truly destroyed the inside of her body which led to work issues, money issues, self esteem issues etc. It slowly started eating away at us. February 2021 she had full removal of the uterus and ovaries in a last ditch attempt to cure the disease and it failed. I have to say, it is a horrible disease for some women. Absolutely debilitating at times. And of course interferes with having children often, whether it be the scarring or surgery.

Our life was life a fairytale generally speaking for the first 6 years of marriage. We fell head over heels in love within days of meeting each other. Literally one day she changed; Aug 7th, 2018 she started crying and couldn't/wouldn't stop. All the stress and the illness had caught up with her. And thus began a long stint in IOP (DBT focused). We've carried on with life but had to sell our home and new vehicles to get by.

From then on our life has been centered around her illness and financial problems, loss of ability to have a child, and she's become chronically depressed and detached. She hardly helped me with any of the housework during these last 4 years. Slowly she grew more callous towards me and my emotions.

This last year we have been very distant. I hate to be that guy, but she has gained 60ish pounds (120lbs for her entire life) and refuses to care. I have slowly taken over all the housework and somehow when I ask for help I am gaslit. She's so good at that...

We used to go hiking and camping every weekend. We explored our state. We were  made for each other as stupid as that sounds. She was the best person that ever entered my life.

I'm not perfect by a long shot. I am diagnosed with treatment resistant persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) and severe anxiety (undiagnosed PTSD) and a pretty serious love of drugs. I work hard and I play hard, nothing she was against. Weekend warriors. But I am dependent on opioids and have been for a decade or so this time; serious heroin addiction in my younger years. I was born with a spinal deformation that causes significant pain. I also went to school and generally hold very professional jobs.

The past year is wrought with arguing, disagreement, resentments, and a general lack of physical intimacy; we hadn't had sex for like 3 months when she separated from me 2 weeks ago and she was willing and even tried to seduce me. I've grown detached and PLEASE READing exhausted from working full-time and doing literally everything needed to be an adult. She would go to work 4 out of 5 days of the week (bc of disease) and spend all time.off just watching cartoons over and over.

She recently had her first stay (14 days) in the psychiatric hospital I used to work in because of extreme suicidal ideation with planning and intent. They refused to admit her the year prior.

She got out the day before our 8th wedding anniversary.

The day after our anniversary I'm on my way home from work (2 weeks ago) and she calls and tells me she can no longer stand to be around my negative attitude and feelings, that since returning from the hospital her suicidal ideations have returned and she now feels its directly tied to me and our issues. It's different this time and she is seeking a divorce; she already obtained the paperwork.

I was told she would stay elsewhere for the weekend while I gathered my belongings. What ensued was a PLEASE READload of drug use of my part, and currently, every second of every waking moment.

I did as she asked and have returned to live with my mother for the time being as I also had recently begun working at the same place she does and decided to quit because it feels like it would be too hard to see her that often.

She's been so cold and calloused in this 2 weeks. She just continues to remind me it's over or reinforce her decision. She says it's "to stop hurting me" and to rid of the negativity.

I am completely destroyed. Sorry for the curse words...

It's been two weeks. I feel betrayed and confused. I understand what she is saying and it makes sense but I don't understand why/how she knows she is completely done with me forever and long term separation won't be considered. I can't stop crying. I've become rather suicidal (that's not a threat and I'm not going to act on it; just saying it). I cannot picture my life without her. I don't see a future without her and honestly I don't have the will to even care to rebuild. I already am incredibly untrusting of others in general and believe most humans to be self centered beings at the end of the day. My father abandoned my brother, myself, and our mother when I was 5. This haw cemented for me that no human being is ever to be given this kind of intimacy and trust ever again.

[dysthymic daydre]

My (stb x) spouse and I have been together 13 years and married 8 as of March 23rd... the day after our anniversary she drops this. We are mid 30s and have no children.

She is not diagnosed with BPD but is diagnosed with cPTSD and other anxiety disorders all stemming from trauma. I actually have a degree in psychology and have worked in the local inpatient psychiatric hospital for some time until recently. Point being, I can say without a doubt that she has a BPD, diagnostic criteria and all.

She also has a very severe form of endometriosis that truly destroyed the inside of her body which led to work issues, money issues, self esteem issues etc. It slowly started eating away at us. February 2021 she had full removal of the uterus and ovaries in a last ditch attempt to cure the disease and it failed. I have to say, it is a horrible disease for some women. Absolutely debilitating at times. And of course interferes with having children often, whether it be the scarring or surgery.

Our life was life a fairytale generally speaking for the first 6 years of marriage. We fell head over heels in love within days of meeting each other. Literally one day she changed; Aug 7th, 2018 she started crying and couldn't/wouldn't stop. All the stress and the illness had caught up with her. And thus began a long stint in IOP (DBT focused). We've carried on with life but had to sell our home and new vehicles to get by.

From then on our life has been centered around her illness and financial problems, loss of ability to have a child, and she's become chronically depressed and detached. She hardly helped me with any of the housework during these last 4 years. Slowly she grew more callous towards me and my emotions.

This last year we have been very distant. I hate to be that guy, but she has gained 60ish pounds (120lbs for her entire life) and refuses to care. I have slowly taken over all the housework and somehow when I ask for help I am gaslit. She's so good at that...

We used to go hiking and camping every weekend. We explored our state. We were  made for each other as stupid as that sounds. She was the best person that ever entered my life.

I'm not perfect by a long shot. I am diagnosed with treatment resistant persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) and severe anxiety (undiagnosed PTSD) and a pretty serious love of drugs. I work hard and I play hard, nothing she was against. Weekend warriors. But I am dependent on opioids and have been for a decade or so this time; serious heroin addiction in my younger years. I was born with a spinal deformation that causes significant pain. I also went to school and generally hold very professional jobs.

The past year is wrought with arguing, disagreement, resentments, and a general lack of physical intimacy; we hadn't had sex for like 3 months when she separated from me 2 weeks ago and she was willing and even tried to seduce me. I've grown detached and PLEASE READing exhausted from working full-time and doing literally everything needed to be an adult. She would go to work 4 out of 5 days of the week (bc of disease) and spend all time.off just watching cartoons over and over.

She recently had her first stay (14 days) in the psychiatric hospital I used to work in because of extreme suicidal ideation with planning and intent. They refused to admit her the year prior.

She got out the day before our 8th wedding anniversary.

The day after our anniversary I'm on my way home from work (2 weeks ago) and she calls and tells me she can no longer stand to be around my negative attitude and feelings, that since returning from the hospital her suicidal ideations have returned and she now feels its directly tied to me and our issues. It's different this time and she is seeking a divorce; she already obtained the paperwork.

I was told she would stay elsewhere for the weekend while I gathered my belongings. What ensued was a PLEASE READload of drug use of my part, and currently, every second of every waking moment.

I did as she asked and have returned to live with my mother for the time being as I also had recently begun working at the same place she does and decided to quit because it feels like it would be too hard to see her that often.

She's been so cold and calloused in this 2 weeks. She just continues to remind me it's over or reinforce her decision. She says it's "to stop hurting me" and to rid of the negativity.

I am completely destroyed. Sorry for the curse words...

It's been two weeks. I feel betrayed and confused. I understand what she is saying and it makes sense but I don't understand why/how she knows she is completely done with me forever and long term separation won't be considered. I can't stop crying. I've become rather suicidal (that's not a threat and I'm not going to act on it; just saying it). I cannot picture my life without her. I don't see a future without her and honestly I don't have the will to even care to rebuild. I already am incredibly untrusting of others in general and believe most humans to be self centered beings at the end of the day. My father abandoned my brother, myself, and our mother when I was 5. This haw cemented for me that no human being is ever to be given this kind of intimacy and trust ever again.

[dysthymic daydre]

Every day and night is becoming more difficult to endure. I am not a person who considers suicide as a viable option in life but I'm consumed with suicidal thoughts; envisioning it in various ways. I can't see any future.

I'm so dramatic and ashamed of how strongly I'm feeling and the fact that I know I would go back to her even though she has been so, so cruel.

I legitimately don't see myself getting over this or through it without returning to using heroin and cocaine; I've been away from them since 2008 and now I just don't care. This would be my form of "suicide" probably as I've always told myself that if everything goes to PLEASE READ, at least there's heroin. But honestly not even that sounds good. Nothing sounds good without her and I literally feel like my heart is broken.

This post is not me making a threat of suicidal intention. I will not act on these thoughts and I know where to go if it becomes overwhelming. I just feel like I need to say it.

I know my story is a lot but I'm really in need of support right now if anyone's reading this...

[drumdog4M]

Hi. I'm reading your posts and am here to help support you.

I am relieved that you are not genuinely suicidal and know where to turn for help if it gets to that point. But I want to validate your feeling of unbearable pain. You have experienced something no one should ever have to. Your feelings are natural and similar to those many of us on this board have felt or are feeling.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. But you are not alone. Finding this board will help you navigate what must seem so confusing and impossible to cope with. I'm pretty new here but am so thankful for the resources posted and the people. You took the first step to reach out. That is huge.

You will get through this with time and work. Feeling the shock and pain of the loss you've experienced is a necessary of the gradual healing process.

We cannot take away your pain, but you can lean on us and learn from people who are further down the road toward healing or have emerged on the other side to realize (as unthinkable as it is now) that a stable life is preferable to one with a BPD partner or spouse.

It is natural that you want her back now, despite all you endured. That feeling is something I experience almost constantly. And people suffering from BPD often try to come back to reengage and recycle us.

Please just try to accept where you are now. You are wounded, but you are not broken. You will get through this. It will take time and work, but you will do it.

I hope others will add to this thread who might have more specific advice for you. If possible, I would encourage you to consider seeing a therapist. Reach out to any friends you have whom you can lean on. I had let many of my friendships atrophy while in my relationship with my ex. I am trying to rebuild my social support structure.

I hope my words help, if even just to let you know that you are understood, not alone, and will get though this experience. Please hang in there.

Drumdog4M

[LaRonge]

I just want to echo Drum that you aren't alone. I had suicidal thoughts after I was discarded, and thought of ways to do it. It wasn't because I wanted to punish my ex, it was simply because I wanted the constant pain to stop. Things get better. Therapy, friends, exercise, meditation, making plans even if you don't feel like it. God, it's tough, but it will get better.

[dysthymic daydre]

Thank you both for responding. This morning she blocked me everywhere because I said I wouldn't sign the divorce papers.

I dont know how to do this. I literally want to be dead because it hurts so much. I also want her to hurt and feel this loss. I am in therapy and psychiatry so I have support but none of it is enough.

She's been ignoring me for 3 days because her therapist told her to even though we agreed we wouldn't ignore each other.

I'm so F'd up. I appreciate you guys responding. I know there's nothing to be said to make the pain go away but I appreciate the support.

How do you cope with this? Now we're supposedly getting divorced on the 27th but now she won't speak to me and because I said I wouldn't sign idk if she's even going to bring me the paperwork.

Just PLEASE READing thrown away after 12 years of extreme loyalty

[NotAHero]

Thank you both for responding. This morning she blocked me everywhere because I said I wouldn't sign the divorce papers.

I dont know how to do this. I literally want to be dead because it hurts so much. I also want her to hurt and feel this loss. I am in therapy and psychiatry so I have support but none of it is enough.

She's been ignoring me for 3 days because her therapist told her to even though we agreed we wouldn't ignore each other.

I'm so F'd up. I appreciate you guys responding. I know there's nothing to be said to make the pain go away but I appreciate the support.

How do you cope with this? Now we're supposedly getting divorced on the 27th but now she won't speak to me and because I said I wouldn't sign idk if she's even going to bring me the paperwork.

Just PLEASE READing thrown away after 12 years of extreme loyalty

 I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.

 My suggestion is to start working in processing your emotions. You are on the detachment boards so I assume you are willing to detach.

  On the practical side, what does a lawyer say is your best route ?  Explore that too.

[dysthymic daydre]

I'm not willing to detach. She's forcing me. I'm new here so I just thought this was the right place to post. The last thing I want is to detach.

I haven't spoken to a lawyer. There really isn't anything legal to consider.

I can't process them. Every day I'm a little closer to shooting myself. I am considering checking into a psychiatric hospital. I legitimately can't cope. It's too much.

[NotAHero]

I'm not willing to detach. She's forcing me. I'm new here so I just thought this was the right place to post. The last thing I want is to detach.

I haven't spoken to a lawyer. There really isn't anything legal to consider.

I can't process them. Every day I'm a little closer to shooting myself. I am considering checking into a psychiatric hospital. I legitimately can't cope. It's too much.

 Please remember that you have to take care of yourself first. This could be a start of a recycle - they threaten or demand divorce all the time. If detaching is not what you want you can pursue other options but please consider it as a possibility still. 

[dysthymic daydre]

Ya I understand that they demand divorce and recycle. We've already been through that, separations, but never divorce. Never this seriously. Nobody will speak to me from her side. She just keeps adamantly telling me it's over. I would be shocked if she changed her mind just knowing her and the way she is acting.

How do you even begin to detach?
What if I don't want to take care of myself?

[NotAHero]

Ya I understand that they demand divorce and recycle. We've already been through that, separations, but never divorce. Never this seriously. Nobody will speak to me from her side. She just keeps adamantly telling me it's over. I would be shocked if she changed her mind just knowing her and the way she is acting.

How do you even begin to detach?
What if I don't want to take care of myself?

 Many of us went through the same thing you are going through.  I can tell you that there was NOTHING I wanted in this world more than going back to the first 3 years of honey moon phase that I had with her. I endured 2 years of straight forward abuse trying to go back.

  For me I had to detach gradually. I couldn’t just cut the cord. When I first came here I was trying to save the relationship but also considered the possibility that it is not up to me. Acceptance comes eventually but requires that you put a lot of mental work. I strongly recommend that you read the post I put that is titled “most helpful words I ever read about BPD discard”. That’s a start to understand reality.

 It’s not easy by any means to detach, I have never EVER had this much emotional pain for this long. It is, however, possible to be happy again without them. You have to believe that.

[drumdog4M]

I'm not sure checking into a psychiatric hospital is the best solution, but if you are considering self-harm, PLEASE reach out to a crisis hotline or other mental health resources. So many of us here have been or still struggled with those thoughts in the wake of our own discards. It is a soul crushing experience.

But please remember that you are worth more than your relationship with her. We are here to support you as we can, but you need to take steps to care for yourself even when and ESPECIALLY WHEN you don't feel like caring for yourself. Just do it.

I often think of the phrase "fake it until you make it." Just take a positive step. Talk to a friend, make an appointment with a therapist, post here, take a walk. It will not make the pain go away, but it is some action in furtherance of healing.

Hang in there and keep sharing your feelings and fears.

[dysthymic daydre]

I read that post. So is this forum for people who are actively trying to be re engaged by their ex with BPD? Cuz that's not what's happening here. I want her back and she's made it clear, up to blocking me and going NC as of today, that she does not want me anymore.

She also says she will always love me...

[dysthymic daydre]

I appreciate you guys being here. That post makes me panic. I work in the mental health field and am familiar with BPD. I understand what's happening in that regard I guess. Just not how she can throw me away like nothing after over a decade.

I have some BPD traits but more think of myself as having abandonment and attachment issues.

I keep having memories and it's so painful. Things i have thought about in years.

[NotAHero]

I read that post. So is this forum for people who are actively trying to be re engaged by their ex with BPD? Cuz that's not what's happening here. I want her back and she's made it clear, up to blocking me and going NC as of today, that she does not want me anymore.

She also says she will always love me...

 There is a big chance there will be attempts to re-engage later if that helps you hang on.

 Another thing I thought might help you is to understand that the BPD discard has nothing to do with you or your value. So please do not give up on yourself.  The relationship is never more important than your own life.

[dysthymic daydre]

Historically that is what has always happened, re-engagement, usually via texts about little everyday things. However, as I've said she's never been this adamant, never actually asked for a divorce before this, it was always just a break or whatever for a few weeks.

The past 3 years or so have been really difficult on both of us, mentally, physically, financially etc and we've grown to argue regularly and just kind of not understand each other, drifting further but all the while I've held hope that she would take the steps she needed to take (which she now is and that just blows my mind... couldn't do it for all those years while we were together but can now) to make herself feel better.

Point is, I've been very pessimistic and negative. The scene got dark. I've been really depressed for a long time about my job and inability to get into a doctorate program. She lost her ability to have children. We lost our home. Lots of stuff. And we just could never fully recover, blow and blow. So I've struggled with depression for a long time and this has just been the tipping point.

But all that aside I still never would have abandoned her. She said she'll always love me and that there won't ever be anyone else. That after returning from her stay in the hospital she felt her suicidality return and knew she needed to be alone to work on herself, and said the same of me.

She's refused any sort of long-term separation or any hope of us not getting divorced or back together other than once saying "you never know what the future holds." Simultaneously she has a scheduled court date for our divorce of April 27th. She wasted absolutely no time. We've split most our belongings; changed phone plans, changed utilities etc. Today she blocked my phone and social media accounts because I basically begged her not to do this last night. She said her therapist told her it was best to not have contact with me. I told her I wouldn't sign the papers and that led to me being blocked immediately.

I understand logically that the relationship is not worth more than myself but the complete loss rejection I'm feeling is making it hard to see things clearly and impossible to feel any sense of joy or hope. I truly envisioned growing old with her, don't want anyone else and I'm like in shock. Her blocking me is really hurtful.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi DD-

I am deeply sorry for your pain.  Deeply sorry.  I can imagine that your thoughts centered on that things would improve within the relationship when she was released... and NOT that this would be the outcome.  But...

It really seems that your wife discovered through her hospitalization and therapy there that life as she knew it needed to change.  And through her subsequent communications with you, her continued healing just was not going to happen within the relationship.  It didn’t and doesn’t mean her love has been extinguished.

Are you able to see any clarity around her reasons for thinking or feeling that way?  That she cannot heal in the environment she left before her hospitalization for intense suicidal ideation?  And those SI feelings returning when she came back to her home environment?  (Setting aside her jumping to divorce).

We’ve come to understand that pwBPD can have tendencies to make impulsive decisions.  And perhaps in the moment your wife sees divorce as the only option for her.  And for you.  Divorce doesn’t mean your relationship is forever ended.  And I believe she likely blocked you because she sees your refusal to sign the papers as a denial of her commitment to her healing.  “Maybe He “doesn’t really care” about my wellbeing and wants to control me”... just some thoughts.  She doesn’t know your hurt and pain, and you don’t know hers.  It’s all very deep.  So of course you feel abandoned...you expected none of this.  And all she knew and knows is that she’s trying to remain alive.

You need to do the same.  For you AND for her.

So I see things a bit differently than some other people here, my friend.

Sometimes, no matter the depth of our love and attachment for someone - our lover, our spouse, our family member, our friend - the relationship may be based on intensely unhealthy behaviors on the part of both participants.  Yes, sometimes one party carries more of the “blame” and the other more of the “burden”.  That’s normally the case.  Just look at the numbers of members here who wish we’d done things differently “if only”...

But here’s the thing... we’ve GOT to look at ourselves.  Separately.  Uncomfortable, but necessary.  Painful, dreadful, and usually long long overdue.  And more than anything, terrifying.

My dear friend, in your opening post your discussed things about yourself that I believe may need addressing.  Self-medicating.  Your depression (which CAN be treated), chronic physical pain, other things.  When relationships break down and something drastic happens, like here, things need to seriously change.  I do not know you, but I believe in my heart of hearts that you are worthy of loving yourself enough to seek out medical assistance so that a HEALED and healthy you and either a future with your wife or another healthy, loving woman will have a rising sun and beautiful life as individuals and together.

Please stay and work through this with us.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[kells76]

Hi DD, hoping you're still checking the boards. It makes a lot of sense that you feel the way you do. I think it takes a lot of guts to share that you feel like you want to be dead and that you would do it through drugs. I get what you're saying that you don't have an active plan. It can be hard to convey that to people -- that you need to talk about how you feel and it involves how you would die if you were to do that. Is there more about that that you would like us to know, or that you want to get out in the open?

Between here, and the hotline, and your therapist, and maybe other resources, what seems to be the place where you feel like you can be the most open about passive suicidality? The hotline (whether calling or texting) works for many but for me I struggled with trusting them. I generally tell my own T first, then here.

Wanting to be dead to escape the overwhelming and inescapable makes sense. For you, do you more want to just not feel it and not experience it, and it's that being dead seems like the only way? Or is there some other way things could be less intense and more bearable for your life, and then it would be ok not to be dead, as long as you could escape? I ask because sometimes I can come up with "alternative scenarios" where it's like "if this conflict were gone, then yeah, I would be ok with being alive". Is there any similar alternative in your life?

Let me know if this is too much or if you want to talk about it more. It is totally fine with me if you want to open up more about suicidality. Some people struggle with shame about it and strongly conflicting feelings. It's ok here to just lay it out if that's what you want.

Let us know what's going on for you today,

kells76

[kells76]

Hi dd, just checking in on how things are going for you.