So we tried family therapy today...

[Jezz]

I finally convinced my BPD 23yr old daughter to enter an IOP program. After so many months of me asking her to do it, she agreed. I was thrilled! When she had her intake meeting they immediately bumped her up to a PHP which left her able to only work 10hrs per week on her job. Ok fine - I'll cover all of your bills for the 6-8 weeks you're in the program because I just really want you to get better. By Friday of the first week we had a major blowup because she called on her lunch break, but I was working and couldn't fully focus on her meandering conversation about what she was going to have for lunch. That led her to screaming about how I never pay attention to her, etc, etc. So I stopped working to focus on the conversation. At this point her entire conversation is about what an awful, horrible mother/person/woman I am. Nothing new. Several times during her rant I asked her about returning to group (I new she was late returning). But she just wanted to rant. 45 min later, frustrated and irritated, I said "don't you think you should go inside to group and talk about this? But if it will make you feel better to sit here and tell me how sh***y I am, I'll take it." She said I was guilt-tripping her to go back to therapy and went completely off the deep end, finishing with throwing her iPhone against the wall and shattering all the glass in the back. She blamed me and expects me to pay to repair it. She then told me she didn't want to talk to me while in the program. Ok, great. So I stopped calling & texting and would only respond if she text me. Then she was advised(?) not to work at all, so now she has zero income. I work 60-70hrs/week to pay for everything.

Last week she text me that the family therapist was going to call me to schedule family therapy. I IMMEDIATELY got a huge knot in my stomach. She's always been very against family therapy because I could not be trusted not to poison her doctors against her. The dr called to schedule it and offered that I attend via zoom or in-person. I immediately picked zoom because I knew how it was going to go. I then decided in-person would be better because I felt the dr really needed to see the non-verbal dynamic. Well, it went exactly like I expected. It was horrible. She initially refused to talk, despite family therapy being her idea! Dr asked what I wanted, and I said I wanted us to have a better relationship and asked DD what I could do to help make things better (her standard answer is always, "I want you to be my mom", with no clarification). So I asked and she blew up, calling me f***ing stupid, don't pay attention, F this, F that, and on an on. The dr asked her to stop speaking that way because I'm her mother... which was like pouring gasoline on the flame. Anyone who says anything remotely like they're defending me is immediately the enemy and met with her wrath. DD ended up storming out, SLAMMING the door, pushing past the program director and out of the building. She sent a subsequent text referring to her dr as my "bestie" and that I'm a f***ing idiot and to never contact her again. I get to my car and see she's left her bag of dirty laundry (for me to wash as agreed to pre-cursing me out) outside of my car. She later text me that I have ruined the last safe space she has and she hopes I die miserable and alone. Also not new. Oh, and at some point with the therapist DD said that she has no respect for me and I am simply an ATM as that's the only thing I'm good for.

Ok, I think I just needed get this all out. I struggle greatly with feelings of anger, resentment, and even hatred at times. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. When I told the dr about her text telling me "I'm done", the dr asked if I was concerned she might hurt herself. I said, "I know I should be, but frankly she tells me that pretty much weekly, so I no longer get panicked when I hear the words. They're just part of what I hear all the time. I struggle with not telling her to kick rocks and pay for her own life since she's soo ungrateful - and then I feel guilty again. There are days she implies she'll hurt herself and I think things no mother should think. And then I'm feeling guilty again.

I've come to realize that I parent her from a position of guilt and fear. Guilt about how she's come to be where she is, what I could have done differently to prevent it, what I can do differently to help her. And I know - didn't cause it, can't fix it - but I still sometimes wonder. And then fear of the inevitable blow up. My father was an angry yeller and I learned at a very young age to just shut down when met with someone like that. My husband was the same way. And now so is DD. And I walk around with this paralyzing fear of triggering that explosion. I don't say what I really I really think or feel out of fear of her reaction. I no longer correct her factual inaccuracies about the horrible abuse she suffered growing up. Now I just agree. To everything. I'm a horrible mother who should die alone? I agree. Whatever it is, I just agree.

I just read a post from someone who wished she could get in her car and just drive away. Me too.

Thanks in advance for letting me unload and for understanding.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

I'm not familiar with a couple acronyms, so I might be missing some context - but is your family therapist intimately familiar with Borderline Personality? I find it can be counter-productive dealing with "specialists" who cannot easily distinguish Borderline from, say, Bipolar.

Your reference to potential suicide threats is a classic example; with a bipolar in my extended family I have a tendency to take their depression and dark suicidal comments seriously and actively engage them even if it may just be a ploy for attention...but with Borderline it's something else entirely.

I understand from where you're coming with that - I've had to explain to professionals unfamiliar with the intricacies of Borderline about why I didn't leap into action and phone paramedics the instant I heard a suicide threat, and been cajoled for cavalierly referencing "a suicide attempt but not one of the real ones" and "wrapping a rope around her neck and strangling herself but I was pretty sure she wasn't in any real danger" and "she was cutting her wrists and ankles it was hesitant shallow cutting focused on getting a transient scar to showcase to the world for a week rather than anything that necessitated immediate attention unlike other times". We're both honest that we cannot realistically estimate the number of her suicide attempts, like I can tell you about 3-4 today if you want but next week it may be a different 3-4 I relate instead and I may forget these earlier ones...but ironically, she doesn't want to die or hate life. Her own words to one professional were "I wanted him to understand how upset I was, so I tried to kill myself so he'd understand"...this was over...I can't even remember right now, I think it was not getting an equal vote to the rest of the family on what dinner was that evening.

Honestly it's why I found the in-person Family Connections program so incredibly liberating despite being generally skeptical of anything tainted by DBT mindfulness and stale coffee...but there's something amazing when you're sitting in a room with a dozen other parents and caretakers all of whom know EXACTLY what you mean about the ptsd you get when you come home and call out "Hello" and don't receive an answer so you walk upstairs expecting the worst, of going through stages of grief for someone who isn't even dead but has falsely claimed to have terminal disease with a terrible prognosis...of the fact these others count on you to not be judgemental when they explain how they got the medication into their loved one, or why they ended up tearing into a paramedic on the scene for making the situation worse. (Similar to the unease I feel hearing your daughter describe the Family Therapist as her "bestie"; I'm sure the therapist doesn't reciprocate the sentiment, but too often professionals patronize the delusions and don't realise how unhealthful it is for the pwBPDs to be allowed to continue their delusions of friendship from those seeking to aid them)

Caretaking a BPD is a lonely thankless road - and ultimately summarised (at least for us religious folk) by the ostensible MT quote:

If you are kind, they will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, they will become false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. People need help but they will attack you if you help them; Help them anyway. Give them everything you have and they'll kick you in the teeth; Give them everything you have anyway. In the final analysis, it was never between you and them anyway.

[Jezz]

Hi Pearls,

I just met the family therapist yesterday, so I haven't a clue about her background, specialty, etc. Family therapy is now completely off the table for the foreseeable future, so I may never see her again. This was the first time my daughter has even been open to trying family therapy, so I was cautiously optimistic. Just to clarify, my daughter wasn't referring to the therapist as her bestie, she was referring to the therapist as MY bestie because the therapist asked my daughter to find a better way of communicating with me. Daughter saw that as the therapist defending me, which is not allowed.

I definitely agree with you about the need to talk to people who "just get it". I was looking for that which is how I found this site. And it does help me feel less alone, until I log off and step back into real life. I'm always kind to her, and it's never appreciated. I go above & beyond for her in ways I wouldn't dream of doing for my son. And it's not appreciated. And that makes me sad and very, very angry & resentful. As I'm sure you can understand.

[Sancho]

Hi Jezz
I have read your post a few times now. There is so much in it that is part of my story. I am so sorry that it has ended up that your dd is no longer working. I can't imagine how or why clinicians have encouraged less and now no work. The lack of structure etc in that lifestyle is just so unhelpful.

One feature of living/loving a bpd child is that they corner you. They are frantic/distressed/angry - the full range of emotional response - and it is heartbreaking to witness the intensity of this. And of course we/I want to step in and help.

One watershed moment for me was dd stomping past me during a fight with her bf  - they lived upstairs - carrying a rope and saying she was going to hang herself from the balcony. I could hardly believe that I just went on working on my computer.

I realised I had let go. It was something beyond my control. I had worked so hard to get medical professionals involved etc but it was all going round in circles.

I had let go.

So began what I think is a slow journey back to feeling okay about myself and - mostly - unaffected by the verbal abuse and property damage (though that has stopped since I refused to have her last boyfriend back in the house.

Like you I hate conflict and it is hard for me to say no. But I am getting there.

DD and her daughter live in the house with me. I am renovating, so upstairs can't be lived in (thank goodness) and we are squashed in the small downstairs - 2 bedrooms, DD has one her D the other, I sleep on a bed in the lounge. Anything to make sure no one else can fit in.

I don't actually agree with what dd says or does - and I don't disagree. I am just silent. I started 'greystone rock' a while ago now and it is the best thing I have ever done. I had found that every time I tried to speak in response to awful abuse, it just made it worse. So one day during an episode of abuse I just said "I am not going to talk because it increases your anger and distress'.

Since then I see myself as living a parallel life. I do a lot for gd. In the past there were constant demands for money - that is getting less and less. I still pay for everything, but she is not asking me for money to bump up her pension.

The episodes of abuse are much less and when they happen I don't respond.

I know everyone's situation is different, but I am with you in the feelings of anger, resentment etc. I think these feelings are valid and I don't apologise for them. They are a natural response to terrible abuse.

But I was powerless in terms of changing her - I could only change me. My journey has been over 16 years of stress and abuse. But the last two years I have worked on changing me.

It is still awful and I wake up each morning with a sick feeling in my stomach - a sense of 'what is going to happen', 'how long can I do this' etc. Then the day starts and I get into it.

Glad you are here and thank you for the post. When I come here and read, I feel more peaceful and less alone on this journey.

[RobertX]

Hello all - I think on balance Family Therapy has helped us (just three sessions so far) however it has not made any impact on my son's BPD - it has just allowed us to start setting boundaries.  I am still shocked at how much my son hates me (his father) and how he switches so rapidly in to aggressive rants that have so much energy.  Any remote sense that we put his behaviour down to BPD is seen as us being self pitying and avoiding our responsibility for his problems and outbursts.  I am the one who has sat in Police Interview rooms with him, who has been in ambulances and A&E rooms with him, I am also the one who has found his drugs, spoken to teachers and is paying thousands for various errors he has made.  I think because he knows that I can see his 'weakness' he hates me for it.  When all me and my wife have done is to support him.  Just lately (about two years in to this nightmare) I find that I am much less emotional.  I suspect my 'grieving' for the loss of a relationship with my son is nearing an end and I am resigned to the fact that this is a long fight that we simply must survive in case he emerges from it all at some point.  The key is survival and the persistence of love for him.

[Jezz]

I thank you all for your responses. The backlash from our very, very short family therapy session has been immeasurable. The 100% lack of accountability DD has is astonishing. SHE flew into a rage, cursed me & the therapist out. SHE stormed out of the office slamming the door. She stormed out of the facility. She violated her attendance contract (which she just signed that morning). SHE SHE SHE. And yet, she blames me for "ruining the only safe space" she has left. Therapy was on Thursday. Monday morning she text me that I ruined everything and she's been kicked out of the program. She said it was because of what I said in family therapy, and the way everything happened. She assumed ZERO responsibility. I frantically called the facility - panicked about where she could go next - only to find out she had not been kicked out. They did some administrative change since she violated the attendance contract, essentially pushing the restart button for Tuesday morning. She knew all of this and yet spent hours texting me about how I'd ruined it for her.

I do know she is mostly upset they saw that side of her. I'm pretty certain she had them all fooled about her rage towards me, her anger, her volatility. So it's my fault they saw it.

Today she's texting me that the family therapist repeated some awful things I said about DD. Only problem is that I never said those things. So I emailed the therapist - who responded that she has not seen or spoken to DD since she stormed out of our session. Now DD is fixated on getting me to confess to saying those awful things. She assures me her primary therapist also thinks I'm a horrible person, mother, etc, and has no desire to speak to me or hear anything I have to say. DD has removed me as her emergency contact and has rescinded her ROI for me, so now no one there will speak to me at all.


I do not believe either therapist has said those things. I now no longer believe the therapist recommended she stop working. I don't know if she's just flat out lying, or is hallucinating these conversations. I'm not sure which would be worse.

I am emotionally spent by her anger, texts, accusations, hurtful words, abuse... Today, I am struggling to believe there can ever be more to my life than this. Today, I believe her words that I should be and will be alone forever. Her reason is I don't deserve happiness. My reason is I can't imagine bringing anyone into this madness. Either way, today I am really, really struggling.

DD is telling her brother all of the horrible things I allegedly said. My son is now looking at me funny. I often feel incredibly judged by people. Not usually my son, but now I am. I feel very judged by the one friend I sort of talk to when I get overwhelmed. So today my phone is off because I just can't deal with all of the negative opinions others are having about me - or so I believe.

I finally reached back out to my therapist. I'd switched to someone who specializes in personality disorders so they would understand what DD's dealing with, and be better able to help me deal with everything. No session available until next Wednesday. So I'll struggle until then.

As always, I'm so thankful for this space to talk and vent. I'm so thankful that I don't have to explain the illogicalness of it all. I don't have to explain that my child HATES me not because of some horrible thing I've done. Today I am struggling, but  I'm still so very thankful for you all. 

[jones54]

Hi Jezz,
Know that you are in the right place. I do not post as much as I used to and feel I finally have moved on with my life. I have a 36 yo BPD daughter with significant addiction issues. About 3 years ago I was at the bottom and depressed. She was homeless doing heroin. Fortunately at the time her mother (we are divorced) and I had a good therapist (we were trying to set up "family" therapy...she said she would participate but then refused).
I think we all should do what we can to help, after all we love them unconditionally. But there has to be boundaries. I always felt bad for my daughter, but the therapist said she can get help for herself (mentally) if she wants it bad enough. I have had her in treatment for her addiction around the country and have paid for so many therapists (she would dump them if she did not like what she heard from them). I no longer have any guilt. I eventually had to decide that I wanted to focus on my life, instead of my daughter's. Having acceptance is not easy but it does free you to move on. I now know that I will not have a "normal" daughter like other fathers unless God grants me a miracle from all my prayers. It is has not been easy stepping away. Her mother and I no longer could keep supporting her. She actually did well for 2 years holding a good paying job but then decided to live in her car (was in a halfway house...did not like the rules and had hard time with relationships, typical of BPD). We now have PPO's against due to threats along with pending court due to violations and damage she did to the outside of her mother's house. I just want her to get her "act together".  Not sure if this will ever happen but at least I have my own life to live. This is never easy for anyone.  You are not alone.

[Tanager]

I am grateful for the posts from everyone on this thread, which I relate to in so many ways. My daughter complains about her horrible, abusive childhood, which no one believes but her.  I  realize that her family has suffered her abuse for years. That is a revelation to me - perhaps I can free myself from the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt which has shrouded my life.  I appreciate the phrase from RobertX  about "the persistence of love.".  We love and hope for our children in spite of the terrible toll.