Post Break Up Help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, first off ... THANK YOU for this resource.  Recently, my ex with BPD broke off our relationship and in all honesty I've never been more devastated in my life.
I truly adored, respected, treasured and loved her and she broke our relationship literally at a point when we had never been happier.  Just prior to our break up she expressed her love for me and talked about our future in beautiful, glowing, terms ... talked about her children and my son ... told me that I was the only person in the world who she trusted and the best friend she ever had.
A few days later she sent a TEXT that literally said you are wonderful but I can't do this anymore.   When we sat and talked about her feelings I witnessed literally every possible change of emotion in a 2 hour period ... from I love you deeply to I'm no longer in love with you ... from kindness and gentle speech to vile put downs and lies.   Needless to say I was beaten, confused, and hurt beyond belief.
I immediately leaned on friends and family and found a therapist (the first one I've ever experienced).  These ... and prayer help ... but I'm still so deeply hurt!
That was very long winded and I thank you for your attention.
I guess my question would be ... how do I reconcile or separate ... the disorder from the woman I truly adored and supported and treasured.  Her family ... my family... our friends ... we are all feeling the same way.
Blessings and thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

[SwfD]

Well, first off ... THANK YOU for this resource.  Recently, my ex with BPD broke off our relationship and in all honesty I've never been more devastated in my life.
I truly adored, respected, treasured and loved her and she broke our relationship literally at a point when we had never been happier.  Just prior to our break up she expressed her love for me and talked about our future in beautiful, glowing, terms ... talked about her children and my son ... told me that I was the only person in the world who she trusted and the best friend she ever had.
A few days later she sent a TEXT that literally said you are wonderful but I can't do this anymore.   When we sat and talked about her feelings I witnessed literally every possible change of emotion in a 2 hour period ... from I love you deeply to I'm no longer in love with you ... from kindness and gentle speech to vile put downs and lies.   Needless to say I was beaten, confused, and hurt beyond belief.
I immediately leaned on friends and family and found a therapist (the first one I've ever experienced).  These ... and prayer help ... but I'm still so deeply hurt!
That was very long winded and I thank you for your attention.
I guess my question would be ... how do I reconcile or separate ... the disorder from the woman I truly adored and supported and treasured.  Her family ... my family... our friends ... we are all feeling the same way.
Blessings and thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

[SinisterComplex]

Well, first off ... THANK YOU for this resource.  Recently, my ex with BPD broke off our relationship and in all honesty I've never been more devastated in my life.
I truly adored, respected, treasured and loved her and she broke our relationship literally at a point when we had never been happier.  Just prior to our break up she expressed her love for me and talked about our future in beautiful, glowing, terms ... talked about her children and my son ... told me that I was the only person in the world who she trusted and the best friend she ever had.
A few days later she sent a TEXT that literally said you are wonderful but I can't do this anymore.   When we sat and talked about her feelings I witnessed literally every possible change of emotion in a 2 hour period ... from I love you deeply to I'm no longer in love with you ... from kindness and gentle speech to vile put downs and lies.   Needless to say I was beaten, confused, and hurt beyond belief.
I immediately leaned on friends and family and found a therapist (the first one I've ever experienced).  These ... and prayer help ... but I'm still so deeply hurt!
That was very long winded and I thank you for your attention.
I guess my question would be ... how do I reconcile or separate ... the disorder from the woman I truly adored and supported and treasured.  Her family ... my family... our friends ... we are all feeling the same way.
Blessings and thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

Welcome to the fam.  . You have indeed found a phenomenal resource to help guide you through your journey during this process. Before we proceed any further can you please clarify for me if your ex was indeed diagnosed officially with BPD or not? This is important for moving the discussion forward.

In the meantime please be kind to YOU and take care of YOU. Sounds easy enough but many people fail at that simple concept during grief. Just remind yourself you still have to push forward and live. You are hurt and the pain is temporary. You are going to be alright and come out on the other side stronger and a better version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[SwfD]

Yes.

[SinisterComplex]

Well, first off ... THANK YOU for this resource.  Recently, my ex with BPD broke off our relationship and in all honesty I've never been more devastated in my life.
I truly adored, respected, treasured and loved her and she broke our relationship literally at a point when we had never been happier.  Just prior to our break up she expressed her love for me and talked about our future in beautiful, glowing, terms ... talked about her children and my son ... told me that I was the only person in the world who she trusted and the best friend she ever had.
A few days later she sent a TEXT that literally said you are wonderful but I can't do this anymore.   When we sat and talked about her feelings I witnessed literally every possible change of emotion in a 2 hour period ... from I love you deeply to I'm no longer in love with you ... from kindness and gentle speech to vile put downs and lies.   Needless to say I was beaten, confused, and hurt beyond belief.
I immediately leaned on friends and family and found a therapist (the first one I've ever experienced).  These ... and prayer help ... but I'm still so deeply hurt!
That was very long winded and I thank you for your attention.
I guess my question would be ... how do I reconcile or separate ... the disorder from the woman I truly adored and supported and treasured.  Her family ... my family... our friends ... we are all feeling the same way.
Blessings and thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

You were not long winded at all. Actually, that was fine for an opening statement. I would actually like to get you talking more. There are a lot of details missing. The more you provide the more this community will help you. Don't feel afraid or scared. You are anonymous so any insecurity there may be I ask you to calm that thought process because you will not be judged here. We are fam here and we will have your back ok?

So first no one can tell you what to do. You know the other person and your circumstances. All you can do is decide how to proceed and move forward. It is your choice and it is within your power how you respond to this event.

So approach this breakup like this...you know she has BPD. So if you know she is diagnosed than you know this is never going to be an easy relationship or a completely normal one. Can you accept that? Can you accept her as she is? Any fantasy you concoct in your mind will most likely be that...a fantasy.

So...to live in reality realize that there are things she most likely will not be able to change. Even with DBT she may never be any better than what she is now coping with her thoughts and emotions. You sure you want to be a part of that whirlwind? If so, well the only the way the relationship works is if you work on yourself. You have to have strong boundaries and always be willing to walk away if your boundaries are violated. Can you do that? Can you be strong enough to choose yourself and not bow to her all the time? This is important because if you turn into a caretaker and are too much of a people pleaser the relationship will fail and you will be right back here. Trust me on that. You must lead the relationship at all times and be the driver. The concept is like this..."If a king doesn't lead how can he expect his subordinates to follow?" Is that pressure and responsibility comfortable for you?

How do you separate...well coming here is a good start. It is going to take time and it will be a process and not an easy one at that. Also, there are most likely problems of your own you have to work on. Perhaps you are not comfortable talking about it yet. That is ok. Share when you are ready. However, keep in mind even when dealing with BPD relationships the person with BPD is not the sole source of the problem. It takes two to tango.

BPD is a monster, but you have to get past that and see that the person is still a person and individual. So hate BPD, not the person. Also understand that perhaps this really wasn't meant to be. Sometimes you just have to accept what is. You can still be dynamic and change and become a better version of yourself. The unfortunate reality for her is that most likely she will remain static and not change because of the limiter that is her disorder. Is there a possibility for her to change? Yes, but it just isn't likely. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on that small glimmer of hope though.  

To truly separate you are going to have to get comfortable dealing with your own demons and realize you have a lot more control over what happens to you than you realize. You attract what you project. Remember that.

So let's delve into this a little bit...what do you think attracted her to you? How did you meet? How did the relationship develop? What attracted you to her?

We have to do some critical thinking here and put everything on the table so you see the whole board so to speak.

Please take your time and hey if you are more comfortable than feel free to PM me. I have an open door policy on that.

Cheers and best wishes to you!  

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[SwfD]

I fully understand the need to share more and I don't have any reservations about that at all.  I just tried to write an introductory post to begin this process of healing
She told me what attracted her to me was that I seemed like a true gentleman and unlike many of the men she encounters.  I had reached to her via mutual Facebook friends ... something I had not really done before.  In all honesty, I thought she was beautiful and I was encouraged that she knew many of the same people I knew ... all if whom were good people.   We began to converse on Facebook and then through text and eventually the good, old fashioned, phone which I truly enjoyed.  We agreed to take things slowly and we had many many great conversations over a good deal of time.   Because of my schedule it was at least 3 weeks before we met and went out for dinner.
We were immediately very very comfortable with each other and spent nearly 3 hours at our first date just talking and listening and getting to know each other.  Our date came to an end with an amazing hug and a kiss on the cheek.   Over the next few weeks we spent some great times together going out and walking and I greatly enjoyed cooking dinner for her.   We took things somewhat slowly, but when we were finally intimate it was comfortable and passionate and really special.
I'm trying my best to follow your lead here ... so I wanted to answer those initial questions for you.
Thank you in advance for trying to help me!

[PeteWitsend]

Your story is unusual in that it sounds like she broke it off while your relationship was still very much in the "Honeymoon phase."

It sounds from your posts that you barely endured any of the truly Hellish aspects of BPD from her, and really only saw them briefly, while she was telling you she was moving on.

I can see how you'd feel conflicted; even some people who post here AND endured the Hellish aspects feel conflicted and have trouble getting over it.  

Not to downplay the sadness you feel, but maybe look at the "bright side" by reading some of the horror stories here and understanding you dodged all that?

And also, prepare yourself for the inevitable "recycle" when someone else breaks up with her, or she tires of her new relationship and - remembering what a nice person you were - decides you'd be perfect consolation to help her bounce back.

Read the "recycles get worse every time" thread currently on this board.

[SinisterComplex]

I fully understand the need to share more and I don't have any reservations about that at all.  I just tried to write an introductory post to begin this process of healing
She told me what attracted her to me was that I seemed like a true gentleman and unlike many of the men she encounters.  I had reached to her via mutual Facebook friends ... something I had not really done before.  In all honesty, I thought she was beautiful and I was encouraged that she knew many of the same people I knew ... all if whom were good people.   We began to converse on Facebook and then through text and eventually the good, old fashioned, phone which I truly enjoyed.  We agreed to take things slowly and we had many many great conversations over a good deal of time.   Because of my schedule it was at least 3 weeks before we met and went out for dinner.
We were immediately very very comfortable with each other and spent nearly 3 hours at our first date just talking and listening and getting to know each other.  Our date came to an end with an amazing hug and a kiss on the cheek.   Over the next few weeks we spent some great times together going out and walking and I greatly enjoyed cooking dinner for her.   We took things somewhat slowly, but when we were finally intimate it was comfortable and passionate and really special.
I'm trying my best to follow your lead here ... so I wanted to answer those initial questions for you.
Thank you in advance for trying to help me!

"She told me what attracted her to me was that I seemed like a true gentleman and unlike many of the men she encounters." - This particular line I want you to really etch into your mind. Here is why...this while sounding harmless is typically a red flag line which sucks because it sounds so nice and wonderful. However, it is used as a means of breaking down your guard to get your ego to swell so you feel special. Now will everyone who uses this line not be genuine...no. I am just telling you to be more on your guard and build a stronger BS  detector. If you hear that line used then I would use that as a conversational piece and get the person who said it to expound upon what they mean.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[SwfD]

I think I may not have explained our relationship properly as I was simply trying to answer your questions about how we met and what attracted us to each other.
Our relationship only lasted a year, and I know in that I'm very lucky.  In the last few months things changed as I was faced with several frightful outbursts, which came for no particular reason.  We worked through those together, in large part because of my patience, respect and love for her.  I promised i would never turn my back on her and I was intent to keep my promise.   One occasion was particularly bad, on a night we were going to see my parents.   When I arrived at her house to pick her up it was very dark in the house and she was extremely quiet.  I also noticed she was wearing darker make up then I had ever seen and she would not speak above a whisper.   My first thought was that she was drugged ... and I continously asked her if she was okay.   She just stared at me and smiled and she walked out of her house and to .y car.  As we drove down to meet my parents she tried to remove my short and pants as I was driving...again without saying a word.  I told her we didn't have time for this and that I was worried why she wasn't speaking.   For 20 minutes that continued until we arrived at the restaurant.   When we arrived she finally spoke and said you go in and have dinner I will wait in the car.   I literally couldn't believe what I was hearing and I insisted she come out of the car because I would never leave her alone I'm the car.  She finally agreed and we sat down with my parents to eat.   The next hour was living hell ... she didn't say a word and when my parents asked her a question or try to .ake conversation she would barely speak above a whisper or just nod her head.   She wouldn't eat ... wouldn't participate in the conversation and I was left confused and embarrassed and worried.  At one point she went to use the restaurant and .I had a chance to apologize and talk to my parents.   I told them that this was NOT the woman I fell in love with and I told them how worried I was.  Thankfully the dinner came to an end and as I drove home I pulled the car over because I knew we needed to speak.  She finally spoke and it begin a 10 or 15 minute rage.   She told me she didn't want to meet my parents because they are going to wind up hatimg her ... she told me she was so uncomfortable because she had never been in a relationship with such a good person and with someone who loved her and supported her as much as I did ... she told me she hates getting close to people and then ... for the first time she actually looked in my eyes and told me "what are you going to do when I do something terrible to you?   What are you going to do when I do something terrible to you?  That scared the hell out of her and I kept asking her why she would say such a thing and what did she mean by saying she would do something terrible to me?   She just stared at me and never answered.   After a very brief 1 or 2 minutes of silence she screamed IS THAT IT ... SO THATS PLEASE READING IT? ITS OVER THATS IT?   I responded by saying I had no intention of leaving her and that I was simply trying to process what I has just experienced and learned.   That night we continued to talk about what happened and things calmed down.  I always felt as if she was using drugs ... just something behind her eyes ... the way she moved so slowly ... even blinking her eyes more slowly.
The next morning when we woke up she was a different person ... calm, sweet, even a bit apologetic.   When Ieft her house I was so conflicted about what I had just witnessed but the next few days and weeks were fine.   I feel ashamed that I didn't insist on talking about what happened more than I had ... but things were so nice andovimg and intimate following that incident that I was somewhat lulled into a sense of complacency.   Eventually we met with my parents again and it was wonderful and was following that night.  In fact, she grew to love my parents and they loved her.   She openly talked to my parents about her hope that someday they could be her parents, because her mother had committed suicide when she was a young woman.   She had a similar conversation with them just a few days before she texted me to break up with me.   I would like to talk about what happened when she broke up with me (both times) but for now I thought I would relay that incident and tell you that over the last month or two prior to our relationship ending there were 2 or 3 other blowups seemingly o er nothing!   Would like your thoughts and any questions you might ha e and then I would like to rl you about both break ups.  Thank you so much!

[SinisterComplex]

I think I may not have explained our relationship properly as I was simply trying to answer your questions about how we met and what attracted us to each other.
Our relationship only lasted a year, and I know in that I'm very lucky.  In the last few months things changed as I was faced with several frightful outbursts, which came for no particular reason.  We worked through those together, in large part because of my patience, respect and love for her.  I promised i would never turn my back on her and I was intent to keep my promise.   One occasion was particularly bad, on a night we were going to see my parents.   When I arrived at her house to pick her up it was very dark in the house and she was extremely quiet.  I also noticed she was wearing darker make up then I had ever seen and she would not speak above a whisper.   My first thought was that she was drugged ... and I continously asked her if she was okay.   She just stared at me and smiled and she walked out of her house and to .y car.  As we drove down to meet my parents she tried to remove my short and pants as I was driving...again without saying a word.  I told her we didn't have time for this and that I was worried why she wasn't speaking.   For 20 minutes that continued until we arrived at the restaurant.   When we arrived she finally spoke and said you go in and have dinner I will wait in the car.   I literally couldn't believe what I was hearing and I insisted she come out of the car because I would never leave her alone I'm the car.  She finally agreed and we sat down with my parents to eat.   The next hour was living hell ... she didn't say a word and when my parents asked her a question or try to .ake conversation she would barely speak above a whisper or just nod her head.   She wouldn't eat ... wouldn't participate in the conversation and I was left confused and embarrassed and worried.  At one point she went to use the restaurant and .I had a chance to apologize and talk to my parents.   I told them that this was NOT the woman I fell in love with and I told them how worried I was.  Thankfully the dinner came to an end and as I drove home I pulled the car over because I knew we needed to speak.  She finally spoke and it begin a 10 or 15 minute rage.   She told me she didn't want to meet my parents because they are going to wind up hatimg her ... she told me she was so uncomfortable because she had never been in a relationship with such a good person and with someone who loved her and supported her as much as I did ... she told me she hates getting close to people and then ... for the first time she actually looked in my eyes and told me "what are you going to do when I do something terrible to you?   What are you going to do when I do something terrible to you?  That scared the hell out of her and I kept asking her why she would say such a thing and what did she mean by saying she would do something terrible to me?   She just stared at me and never answered.   After a very brief 1 or 2 minutes of silence she screamed IS THAT IT ... SO THATS PLEASE READING IT? ITS OVER THATS IT?   I responded by saying I had no intention of leaving her and that I was simply trying to process what I has just experienced and learned.   That night we continued to talk about what happened and things calmed down.  I always felt as if she was using drugs ... just something behind her eyes ... the way she moved so slowly ... even blinking her eyes more slowly.
The next morning when we woke up she was a different person ... calm, sweet, even a bit apologetic.   When Ieft her house I was so conflicted about what I had just witnessed but the next few days and weeks were fine.   I feel ashamed that I didn't insist on talking about what happened more than I had ... but things were so nice andovimg and intimate following that incident that I was somewhat lulled into a sense of complacency.   Eventually we met with my parents again and it was wonderful and was following that night.  In fact, she grew to love my parents and they loved her.   She openly talked to my parents about her hope that someday they could be her parents, because her mother had committed suicide when she was a young woman.   She had a similar conversation with them just a few days before she texted me to break up with me.   I would like to talk about what happened when she broke up with me (both times) but for now I thought I would relay that incident and tell you that over the last month or two prior to our relationship ending there were 2 or 3 other blowups seemingly o er nothing!   Would like your thoughts and any questions you might ha e and then I would like to rl you about both break ups.  Thank you so much!

There we go. Now we can delve into things. Thank you for taking the step and getting this out there. you are going to receive plenty of support and advice here from the community other than just myself.

Now, my last response I understood you clearly, no worries. I just wanted to hone in on that line specifically because with these relationships that is something that comes up quite often. So it was not directed at you specifically although I was providing a perspective for you to use it as a warning if you encounter similar situations. Additionally, when I respond I have to speak with the general public in mind. If someone checks your thread they may take away some key points that may help them.

With that said. Yes, you got put through the ringer and how horrible for her to have to deal with her mother committing suicide...if you end up normal in life after something like that you would certainly be in the minority. If there is any consolation...she was triggered by something and it had nothing to do with you. She may be diagnosed BPD, but I have a suspicion that may not be the correct diagnosis. She could be comorbid with another ailment, or it may be something different. The point is there is a lot to unpack.

I chime in when I get free moments. That's all I have time for currently. I will respond more in depth later on tonight.

Keep your head up and control what you can control.

Cheers and best wishes! 

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[OutofthePain]

Where we get ourselves in serious trouble is wanting someone to be someone that they aren't.  We want so badly to believe that they are the sweet, beautiful, passionate partner who loves us and can have a normal, loving relationship.  With my wife, this was impossible.  It was never going to happen.  With enough counseling, reading, and group therapy, I could finally accept who she really was.  That allowed me to let go of the fantasy that is so easily woven around a relationship with a BPD.

I know that we aren't supposed to give advice; however, I don't think that your relationship will ever be what you fantasize.  If you somehow go back into this relationship, you are in for a lifetime of hell and confusion.  As painful as it is to accept, you are better off that she left you.  Try to quickly fill your time with good things.  Reconnect with friends who are healthy for you.  Do things that you have been wanting to do.  This will help you avoid being recycled.

As far as your suspicions about drug use, that is a likely scenario.  It was impossible to get the truth out of my wife.  After all these years, I don't really what was going on and what she was up to much of the time.

[NotAHero]

Where we get ourselves in serious trouble is wanting someone to be someone that they aren't.  We want so badly to believe that they are the sweet, beautiful, passionate partner who loves us and can have a normal, loving relationship.  With my wife, this was impossible.  It was never going to happen.  With enough counseling, reading, and group therapy, I could finally accept who she really was.  That allowed me to let go of the fantasy that is so easily woven around a relationship with a BPD.

I know that we aren't supposed to give advice; however, I don't think that your relationship will ever be what you fantasize.  If you somehow go back into this relationship, you are in for a lifetime of hell and confusion.  As painful as it is to accept, you are better off that she left you.  Try to quickly fill your time with good things.  Reconnect with friends who are healthy for you.  Do things that you have been wanting to do.  This will help you avoid being recycled.

As far as your suspicions about drug use, that is a likely scenario.  It was impossible to get the truth out of my wife.  After all these years, I don't really what was going on and what she was up to much of the time.

 That is truly the hardest part. Depending on how long your honey moon lasted ( mine was 3 years then 2 years of hell) your cognitive dissonance takes hold. It is hard to reconcile the 2 personalities. They mix the abuse with bursts of sweetness and intimacy ( that declines with time) and that’s how you stay hooked for a while. It takes so much mental work to realize this is really who they are and the person you met at first was part of a cycle that will not come back with you, only with the next in line. Only when your emotions catch up to your mental realization is when you break free.

[Survivor.123]

I have sent you a private mail here, if you see it and would like more information about us please let me know. I wish you well in your situation.

Survivor.

[SinisterComplex]

So SW if you could give me an idea of conversation or events that happened the week prior to the 1st breakup. Additionally, what happened on the day of? The day after?

I can say that she did cry out for help when she said what happens when I do something terrible to you. She feels powerless to control the monster essentially. Its too hard for her to fight the good fight so she will choose the path of least resistance which is causing destruction. It sucks, but I have been through a similar situation.

She is diagnosed BPD, but is she currently seeing a therapist at all? Do you know if she is taking a prescription?

If you have not already please check out these tools.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331852.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

Also, instead of me just throwing links at you please refer to our Community Built Knowledge Base...each subforum is library of info within.

I also highly suggest you read the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells.

As you see you are getting the community to chime in here. We will all chip in and gladly support you during this difficult time. The best things you can do are to truly make it a point to take care of yourself, get rest, eat, etc. Sounds like common sense, but when going through these things the simple things we should do for our health get pushed to wayside. Additionally, because of the whirlwind this was and the shock to the system it caused I would place more of emphasis on sleep. The main reason is to keep your cortisol in check. But, good rest will help keep your mind clear (as in being able to think without fog...the pain will still be there and that is ok...that's normal) and keep your hormone levels balanced.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[SwfD]

Thank you for your response.   I knew at the time I was witnessing something wrong ... and also suspected drug use.  Again, I was naive because nothing happened prior or since until very close to the end of our relationship.   There were 2 major meltdowns prior to our breakup which did not involve me... but I was there to support her.   One was financial (yet again ... no control of money and I helped pay her rent several times and the other simply because she had to spend all day at her daughter's volleyball game.  She flipped out when we got home ...shaking and crying because she wasted her whole day there.  I felt terrible that her daughter witnessed part of that and I just held her mom and tried to calm her down)

As far as the first breakup, we celebrated her birthday with my parents and she said it was the nicest birthday she had ever experienced... she was so obviously touched with the gifts she received and with the love we shared with her.  A few days later we had an absolutely wonderful Valentines Day.  We had a romantic dinner at home and she gave me a nice gift.   She gave me a card and told me to read it carefully  because it took a long time for her to write it and that I deserved it.   The card was beautiful and it brought me to tears.  She said I was her protector, her shin ing light, her lover who pleases her, her hero, her future, her partner in crime, her best friend and the man who she wants to spend everyday for the rest of her life with, her true love and dream come true!   I honestly never felt more loved and more safe and more happy.   She grabbed my face in her hands and said I love you ... you deserve this card ... this is how I feel altho I don't always express myself as well as you.
We both knew that seeing each other in the days to follow would be tough because she was going to have her children for a long stretch of time and we wanted to make the most of our time together.   The next night we were together we could not spend as much time together as we could because she was running late (she was always extremely late).  I was slightly down because I knew we had limited time ... and we both wanted to make the most of that time and we talked things thru but I did leave disappointed.  I did not think this would be an issue at all... but I found out later it was.
Over the next few days we had made some plans for me to help her with the kids.  I was going to come over and make a special dinner they liked and at the last minute she texted back and said let's take a rain check ... it was too late.  That was unusual because I had made dinners far later so I sensed something was wrong.  The next day I sent her a text saying that I love her and have a great day ... and I got no response.  The next day I texted her because we said we would shop for the kids together (btw I often bought her groceries).  She said lets take a rain chrck on the shopping as well.  The next day was our 11 month anniversary and I told her how much I loved her and how blessed I was to have her in my life ... she did respond saying happy anniversary... but I still sensed something was wrong.   So I thought... let me give her space for one day.   One night later... at 9 pm I got a text that said thank you for all your love and support  and for all of the wonderful memories we made together but I can't do this anymore ... I have to take care of myself and my kids.   Obviously I had never been more floored or broken or despondent in my life.   Broken that she would do that to me ... confused ... hurt ... stunned ... angry ... just devastated and lost.  What made me hurt even more is that she would say that about herself and her children because of all I had done for them.   When I met her she had just come off of a DWI conviction which she was honest about.   She told me it happened at the end of covid and that she had gone out and did have too much to drink.  What I didn't know until I talked to her sister (her sister and I became close because her sister and her entire family loved how I treated her and how happy and healthy she seemed to them) ... her sister did tell me when she was arrested she was put under 48 hour health watch because the police felt she might harm herself because of what she was saying. I took that as meaning suicide watch.
  I tell you all of this because I know it's important.  So, through the year I drove her everywhere she needed to go and wasn't allowed to go as part of her penalty.  I also took her 3 kids many places.   I paid for every date we had ... I took her on 5 or 6 mini vacations.  I helped her with her rent and i bought things to support her in her house.  She was always very very appreciative of all I did for her and her children and always told me so.   I loved her children and they loved me ... she told me how happy she was and what a relief it was for the kids to love me as much as they did.  I built a special relationship with each one of them built on respect and love and I helped her build a sense of discipline with them that was not there before.  I will say there were times I was cooking for them and doing things for them and I felt like she used those times to just chill instead of help out.   I told myself she probably needs and deserves the break ... and she also profusely thanked me.  In short ... I financed and supported the entire year.  She flat out told me several times that this was the best year of her life and the kids life and she said it was all because of me.  I must say I loved her and the children so much and felt a lot of that love returned that I was happy to make their year so special.
She also told me on more than one occasion that it was difficult for her to be in a relationship with someone so lobing and so giving because she never had that before.  I know that might sound manipulative but i sincerely feltvshe meant what she said and her family told me that was the case.  Her suster abs father with whom she had strained relationships loved me and i them
  In fact ... because they saw her as happy and healthy ... she became closer with them and she tanked me often for bringing her closer to her family and she was so proud that they liked me as much as the did.  She was very supportive of me in front of them often showing affection and telling them how supportive i was and how happy i made her.  That is why her statement of having to take care of herself and the kids cut so deep.   It infuriated her family as well (with whom she already had a strined relationship) because they knew how much I supported her and the children.  When she broke up with me ... everyone... had the same emotions I had.   Shock, hurt, confusion, anger .. we were all broken!
Per your response to me I will stop there and hear your thoughts and then tell you about our brief reconciliation.
You also asked me a few questions.  She was seeing a court appointed counselor... I do not know if he was a psychiatrist.  He was appointed because of the DWI.  I know she was being prescribed medication but she told me that she didn't like taking it and often wouldn't.  I will also tell you that at one point in the middle of our year together she told her counselor that she had never been happier in large part because of my support and that she wanted to cut her visits down because of her happiness but he insisted they keep the same schedule because he didn't want to have her fall back into bad habits.  I will also say that he warned her about dating during this turbulent time in her life but that he had some relief in that she told him how supportive I was being and how she was talking to me and sharing things with me that she had never shared with anyone.
I do have a question for you.  Several times you've mentioned that she may have been misdiagnosed with BPD ... or that something else might come into play.  I wonder if you could elaborate on that please?
I know that there is a ton to unpack here and I thank you in advance for your assistance.  I feel blessed to have this support.  I am trying to treat these as therapy sessions ( I AM seeing a therapist) and trying to answer your questions as a way of moving thru this.
I greatly look forward to your thoughts!

[Skip]

how do I reconcile or separate ... the disorder from the woman I truly adored and supported and treasured.  Her family ... my family... our friends ... we are all feeling the same way.
Blessings and thank you in advance for any advice you can provide.

The story of her meeting with your parents hung heavy in my heart as I read it. How shocking that must have been to you and your family.

The flip side of that is how painfully afraid she is of vulnerability

It's like a person who is deathly afraid of heights or fire. They don't get into high places and they avoid fire, obsessively.

For a person with BPD, the deathly fear is rejection... especially from someone she loves. She knows it will come if she stays with you. She knows she will eventually lose it and poison the relationships. She knows you will disappoint her. She know these things will devastate her to a level that she might not survive.

So she avoids vulnerability, obsessively.

And you are can't resolve that for her. Just like you can't give a person with fear of heights "reassurances" that will stop that innate fear they feel when exposed.

People with BPD want to be loved, but are so fearful of the vulnerability that they blow up their love relationships. She has been there. She tried to control herself. But her emotions drive her to think or do toxic things or feel loss (even when things are OK). She feels, no matter how hard she tries, her  "demons" will destroy the relationship or you will turn on her.

She was lovely with you when things were in a safe zone, but when it moved into vulnerability territory, all bets were off.

Alcoholic's need an escape and they can some some horrible things to others in pursuit of that. They don't want to be bad people, but being good is a second priority to "escaping".  Same for BPD. They don't want to do horrible things to others, but the self-protections are the #1 priority, others be damned.

How do I reconcile or separate?

She was an extremely sensitive person and you saw both the wonderful and difficult sides of that. The very thing that made her so special is the same thing that blew the relationship up - just different sides of the coin.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your response.   I knew at the time I was witnessing something wrong ... and also suspected drug use.  Again, I was naive because nothing happened prior or since until very close to the end of our relationship.   There were 2 major meltdowns prior to our breakup which did not involve me... but I was there to support her.   One was financial (yet again ... no control of money and I helped pay her rent several times and the other simply because she had to spend all day at her daughter's volleyball game.  She flipped out when we got home ...shaking and crying because she wasted her whole day there.  I felt terrible that her daughter witnessed part of that and I just held her mom and tried to calm her down)

As far as the first breakup, we celebrated her birthday with my parents and she said it was the nicest birthday she had ever experienced... she was so obviously touched with the gifts she received and with the love we shared with her.  A few days later we had an absolutely wonderful Valentines Day.  We had a romantic dinner at home and she gave me a nice gift.   She gave me a card and told me to read it carefully  because it took a long time for her to write it and that I deserved it.   The card was beautiful and it brought me to tears.  She said I was her protector, her shin ing light, her lover who pleases her, her hero, her future, her partner in crime, her best friend and the man who she wants to spend everyday for the rest of her life with, her true love and dream come true!   I honestly never felt more loved and more safe and more happy.   She grabbed my face in her hands and said I love you ... you deserve this card ... this is how I feel altho I don't always express myself as well as you.
We both knew that seeing each other in the days to follow would be tough because she was going to have her children for a long stretch of time and we wanted to make the most of our time together.   The next night we were together we could not spend as much time together as we could because she was running late (she was always extremely late).  I was slightly down because I knew we had limited time ... and we both wanted to make the most of that time and we talked things thru but I did leave disappointed.  I did not think this would be an issue at all... but I found out later it was.
Over the next few days we had made some plans for me to help her with the kids.  I was going to come over and make a special dinner they liked and at the last minute she texted back and said let's take a rain check ... it was too late.  That was unusual because I had made dinners far later so I sensed something was wrong.  The next day I sent her a text saying that I love her and have a great day ... and I got no response.  The next day I texted her because we said we would shop for the kids together (btw I often bought her groceries).  She said lets take a rain chrck on the shopping as well.  The next day was our 11 month anniversary and I told her how much I loved her and how blessed I was to have her in my life ... she did respond saying happy anniversary... but I still sensed something was wrong.   So I thought... let me give her space for one day.   One night later... at 9 pm I got a text that said thank you for all your love and support  and for all of the wonderful memories we made together but I can't do this anymore ... I have to take care of myself and my kids.   Obviously I had never been more floored or broken or despondent in my life.   Broken that she would do that to me ... confused ... hurt ... stunned ... angry ... just devastated and lost.  What made me hurt even more is that she would say that about herself and her children because of all I had done for them.   When I met her she had just come off of a DWI conviction which she was honest about.   She told me it happened at the end of covid and that she had gone out and did have too much to drink.  What I didn't know until I talked to her sister (her sister and I became close because her sister and her entire family loved how I treated her and how happy and healthy she seemed to them) ... her sister did tell me when she was arrested she was put under 48 hour health watch because the police felt she might harm herself because of what she was saying. I took that as meaning suicide watch.
  I tell you all of this because I know it's important.  So, through the year I drove her everywhere she needed to go and wasn't allowed to go as part of her penalty.  I also took her 3 kids many places.   I paid for every date we had ... I took her on 5 or 6 mini vacations.  I helped her with her rent and i bought things to support her in her house.  She was always very very appreciative of all I did for her and her children and always told me so.   I loved her children and they loved me ... she told me how happy she was and what a relief it was for the kids to love me as much as they did.  I built a special relationship with each one of them built on respect and love and I helped her build a sense of discipline with them that was not there before.  I will say there were times I was cooking for them and doing things for them and I felt like she used those times to just chill instead of help out.   I told myself she probably needs and deserves the break ... and she also profusely thanked me.  In short ... I financed and supported the entire year.  She flat out told me several times that this was the best year of her life and the kids life and she said it was all because of me.  I must say I loved her and the children so much and felt a lot of that love returned that I was happy to make their year so special.
She also told me on more than one occasion that it was difficult for her to be in a relationship with someone so lobing and so giving because she never had that before.  I know that might sound manipulative but i sincerely feltvshe meant what she said and her family told me that was the case.  Her suster abs father with whom she had strained relationships loved me and i them
  In fact ... because they saw her as happy and healthy ... she became closer with them and she tanked me often for bringing her closer to her family and she was so proud that they liked me as much as the did.  She was very supportive of me in front of them often showing affection and telling them how supportive i was and how happy i made her.  That is why her statement of having to take care of herself and the kids cut so deep.   It infuriated her family as well (with whom she already had a strined relationship) because they knew how much I supported her and the children.  When she broke up with me ... everyone... had the same emotions I had.   Shock, hurt, confusion, anger .. we were all broken!
Per your response to me I will stop there and hear your thoughts and then tell you about our brief reconciliation.
You also asked me a few questions.  She was seeing a court appointed counselor... I do not know if he was a psychiatrist.  He was appointed because of the DWI.  I know she was being prescribed medication but she told me that she didn't like taking it and often wouldn't.  I will also tell you that at one point in the middle of our year together she told her counselor that she had never been happier in large part because of my support and that she wanted to cut her visits down because of her happiness but he insisted they keep the same schedule because he didn't want to have her fall back into bad habits.  I will also say that he warned her about dating during this turbulent time in her life but that he had some relief in that she told him how supportive I was being and how she was talking to me and sharing things with me that she had never shared with anyone.
I do have a question for you.  Several times you've mentioned that she may have been misdiagnosed with BPD ... or that something else might come into play.  I wonder if you could elaborate on that please?
I know that there is a ton to unpack here and I thank you in advance for your assistance.  I feel blessed to have this support.  I am trying to treat these as therapy sessions ( I AM seeing a therapist) and trying to answer your questions as a way of moving thru this.
I greatly look forward to your thoughts!

SW you will see Skip responded as well. Definitely use Skip as a phenomenal resource. Ask him questions to. Skip is essentially our Sensei here.

I want to answer what I think could be the problem as it pertains to her diagnosis but I have to throw a disclaimer out there that I am not making nor will I make any official diagnosis. We have to be careful. I will share the reason why I feel the way I do though...

There was a case study of a young woman I remember coming across who has diagnosed BPD and when she was she had relief for a short while, but then as time went on the diagnosis didn't fit. Then she was diagnosed comorbid with Bipolar Disorder and cPTSD which Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the end, the comorbid diagnosis was dropped and she officially diagnosed cPTSD. Upon reading the case study I was more shocked that bi-polar was even brought into the equation.

But nonetheless, that brings up my point that perhaps your former partner may have been given the wrong diagnosis at least partially. There have been many advancements in Mental health but it is still not an exact science. The unfortunate reality is that you have some phenomenal mental health experts and then you have some who have no business being involved in the field of mental health. Just the same as the medical field. The people in these fields typically don't fully comprehend the scope of their power and the responsibility that falls upon them. To be fair everyone is human and we all make mistakes, but the problem is that the weak links tend to cause havoc by giving out wrong diagnoses or messing up a surgery (I know a little something about that since my knee was jacked up by the DR and had to get operated on twice to get it fixed). But I digress...

A thread I want you to read through is https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352545.0. In that read you will see my response where I break down some terms.

Now the only way I could provide you the proper path to perhaps follow is to have more details about her background. How was her relationship with her parents? Especially her mother. Did her mother have a disorder?

I mean if I go off of face value from the information provided thus far it seems PTSD and BPD are possibly comorbid, but again not being official and we have to be careful with labels and I want you to only use what I say here as a means to research more because this is such sensitive material. The reason why I say PTSD is tied to the loss of her mother and how she lost her mother. If I had to go a step further I would say she suffered from PTSD first and then it evolved into BPD as well, but again that is going off the information I have presently. Do not confuse the disorders...they are different beasts, but share some similarities. Again, I can't, be concrete because I don't have enough information to work with. So please use input as a resource to point you in the right direction for your own knowledge and research.  

As a side note to research. I think something that many overlook in understanding these disorders is conditioning. Operant Conditioning to be specific. Instead of using one of my old papers or going back to my old resources when I was in school here is a link that does a good job of explaining Operant Conditioning. https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html

On a personal note...SW you are not alone. A lot of what you described to me resonates since I dated a woman and had some similar experiences. And guess what helped me? Coming to this resource and becoming a part of this family. Granted, I may have an advantage because of my background, education, and training, but I would not have gotten back to being myself without this place.

I am very happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist. Truly SW that puts you ahead of the pack. This kind of weight and what you have dealt with is not something your friends and family will understand or comprehend. This is why coming to a support group like this and seeing a therapist are your best courses of action.

Hey, you use this resource as much as necessary ok. I truly mean it when I say we have your back. It is ok to be free, open, and vulnerable here. You need to get put back together and we will help speed up that process. It is real simple...you get as much back as you put into it.

Please take care and be kind to YOU!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Once again, thank you so much for your response and for answering my question about a possible misdiagnosis.
I will answer your questions and when you feel the time is right please let me tell you about our final breakup after our brief reconciliation.
Her relationship with her mother was never good.   She described her mom as flighty at best but also highly critical and not very loving.  Her mother was evidentily obsessed with the artist prince to the point it embarrassed the family.  Her mother grew increasingly irrational and her father filed for divorce and left the family.  Her mother committed suicide a few years later when my ex was in her early 20s.
My exes sister, with whom I became very close studied psychology... which I know is not the same as being a practicing psychologist... always felt her mother had BPD.   in fact, prior to my ex and i breaking up ... her sister and I were in touch because I was so worried about her blowups.
Her relationship with her sister is strained at best because my ex had a blow up with her sister 4 years ago and never forgave her for simply trying to assist in planning a birthday party.   She lost it with her sister and screamed I effing hate you I never want to see you again.   It wasn't until i really tried to foster a reconciliation by visiting her sister with my ex that they finally  began to talk again.   Her sister and her Father both loved how healthy and happy she was last year ... they simply could not believe how well I communicated with her and reason with her ...     because they never could.  They both said they prayed that she might find this kind of loving and supportive relationship and they are devastated and confused and even angry with her decision and the way she treated me at the end of our relationship.   Her father said ... I am so disappointed  ... I feel as if I don't know my own daughter and her sister feels the same way.  I know how they feel ... and I actually feel sorry that she doesn't have a good relationship with either one of them.  She does not have a good relationship with her father ... a terrible relationship with her step mother and is very resentful for what she feels is the preferential treatment he gives his step children.  I will tell you more at the appropriate time ... but I will say that when our relationship ended she was furious that I had spoken with both her sister and her father ... and she got caught lying about why our relationship ended when her sister called her out for her lie ... but more on that later.   I can honestly say ... both through what my ex told me and what I witnessed... our relationship was more supportive for her than anything she had experienced in her life.   
I'm very interested in hearing more of your thoughts about her diagnosis and then  very interested in telling you about the final break up.
Today was a tough day as we had made plans to spend Easter with my parents and she was so excited about that.
I need to be honest ... so many times throughout.my day I STILL can't believe this happened because of how happy she seemed... because of what she told me and wrote me constantly.  She was very caring about how often she expressed her appreciation for my love.   She did it often ... and not only when I had done something nice for her or her children. I may be a complete, stubborn, idiot ...but I have a hard time believing those words and actions were not sincere!   I know that is short sighted but you deserve my honesty.  I have this terrible, persistent, feeling that there must be some other reason   .. something I'm missing. It would literally be easy for me to believe almost anything else then what i believe now ... it just makes no damn sense at all.   I am doing better but I am still so broken and confused and lost.   I miss looking into my best friend's eyes.
Thank you in advance for your thoughts and your care.   This site means so much to me.
Peace

[rob66]

Jeez, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It can be so incredibly confusing, even when we understand that they are not well. Reading your description reminds me almost exactly about what happened with me and my BPD ex. Months of a great relationship, and then out of nowhere the craziness comes out. As a matter of fact, after not posting for months, I came back on here just to read some posts in order to remind me of how messed up people with BPD can be. Knowing that you are not alone in this, that countless of us nons have experienced the same things should offer you some solace in that nothing can be done for those people. A huge part of the healing for me came from reading other's accounts that resembled my own. You will find healing in that also. Being with someone as broken as they are will only lead to misery. It's best to walk away and give yourself time to heal. Best of luck!

[SinisterComplex]

Once again, thank you so much for your response and for answering my question about a possible misdiagnosis.
I will answer your questions and when you feel the time is right please let me tell you about our final breakup after our brief reconciliation.
Her relationship with her mother was never good.   She described her mom as flighty at best but also highly critical and not very loving.  Her mother was evidentily obsessed with the artist prince to the point it embarrassed the family.  Her mother grew increasingly irrational and her father filed for divorce and left the family.  Her mother committed suicide a few years later when my ex was in her early 20s.
My exes sister, with whom I became very close studied psychology... which I know is not the same as being a practicing psychologist... always felt her mother had BPD.   in fact, prior to my ex and i breaking up ... her sister and I were in touch because I was so worried about her blowups.
Her relationship with her sister is strained at best because my ex had a blow up with her sister 4 years ago and never forgave her for simply trying to assist in planning a birthday party.   She lost it with her sister and screamed I effing hate you I never want to see you again.   It wasn't until i really tried to foster a reconciliation by visiting her sister with my ex that they finally  began to talk again.   Her sister and her Father both loved how healthy and happy she was last year ... they simply could not believe how well I communicated with her and reason with her ...     because they never could.  They both said they prayed that she might find this kind of loving and supportive relationship and they are devastated and confused and even angry with her decision and the way she treated me at the end of our relationship.   Her father said ... I am so disappointed  ... I feel as if I don't know my own daughter and her sister feels the same way.  I know how they feel ... and I actually feel sorry that she doesn't have a good relationship with either one of them.  She does not have a good relationship with her father ... a terrible relationship with her step mother and is very resentful for what she feels is the preferential treatment he gives his step children.  I will tell you more at the appropriate time ... but I will say that when our relationship ended she was furious that I had spoken with both her sister and her father ... and she got caught lying about why our relationship ended when her sister called her out for her lie ... but more on that later.   I can honestly say ... both through what my ex told me and what I witnessed... our relationship was more supportive for her than anything she had experienced in her life.  
I'm very interested in hearing more of your thoughts about her diagnosis and then  very interested in telling you about the final break up.
Today was a tough day as we had made plans to spend Easter with my parents and she was so excited about that.
I need to be honest ... so many times throughout.my day I STILL can't believe this happened because of how happy she seemed... because of what she told me and wrote me constantly.  She was very caring about how often she expressed her appreciation for my love.   She did it often ... and not only when I had done something nice for her or her children. I may be a complete, stubborn, idiot ...but I have a hard time believing those words and actions were not sincere!   I know that is short sighted but you deserve my honesty.  I have this terrible, persistent, feeling that there must be some other reason   .. something I'm missing. It would literally be easy for me to believe almost anything else then what i believe now ... it just makes no damn sense at all.   I am doing better but I am still so broken and confused and lost.   I miss looking into my best friend's eyes.
Thank you in advance for your thoughts and your care.   This site means so much to me.
Peace

Some of my suspicions were confirmed here. I was sensing a frayed relationship with her mother. Her mother may have had a disorder but its hard to say which disorder or which ailment was affecting her. I wouldn't rule out Schizophrenia. However, when a parent does have a disorder there is a high probability of passing on a mental health disorder. The offspring is passed down genetic material, but it doesn't always mean they will develop a disorder, but the point is there will always be a higher probability.

Again, keep in mind I am throwing out the the terms for research purposes only.

With that said in this case the stage was already set for your ex to develop a disorder. However, I am not so certain I would declare BPD automatically. Instead I am wondering did your ex feel like she had a sense of identity? Was she poor at decision making like not ever knowing what she wanted, did she always seem to like what you did or go along with what your thoughts were? In essence, did she mirror you?

In truth, the unfortunate reality is that your ex has a very rough and complex history and I do not think she perhaps received enough help and support that she needed from a mental and emotional standpoint. It is quite possible that her issues are more tied to repeated trauma in her dealings with her mother.

Now something I am going to say cautiously and I want you to understand I say this out of care to help you grieve...her behaviors may have been a learned response from seeing it with her parents, but yet because of how broken things were for her she never put it all together. In a sense its like she never grew past that point and will say and do things from a place of mimicking. I could be way off base, but you have to be willing to entertain that notion as well. I will always put everything on the table and bring up things others may shoot down, but I take the view of always looking at the whole board and thinking big picture...you never leave a stone unturned. The reason I bring this up..."She was very caring about how often she expressed her appreciation for my love.   She did it often ... and not only when I had done something nice for her or her children." - Your words here. Its possible her mother did the same thing, but she also had the inconsistent behavior and obsession with Prince and that ultimately started to outweigh the good parts. It is a running theory...nothing more, nothing less.

I know you are in pain my friend and you are not an idiot. Here is something I need you to do. What you felt and what you feel is real. That is all that matters ok. Even if she wasn't sincere, even if she didn't mean anything, even she is messed up and they were canned responses from learned behavior and conditioning that is all irrelevant because how you feel here is what is important. Your feelings matter and they are genuine and pure. You are not being stubborn or anything of the sort so please do not beat yourself down. Cut yourself some slack here alright. I say it frequently...Be Kind To YOU!

You were not prepared nor were you or are you equipped to handle this monster. Keep in mind I am not calling her the monster. No, the disorder is the monster. She is still a person and an individual and they are two separate things. This is the hard part...she may have been happy in the fleeting moment, but that therein lies the problem...she cannot hold onto the happiness for more than a fleeting moment. There is a constant storm that brews in her head that is dark and twisted. So as soon as she is happy and emotions are heightened there is automatically the negative comes up from the depths as well. The only thing you are missing is that logically you are not able to process just how complex this monster can be. You are still viewing this through the lens of what should be instead of what is. That part takes time to overcome.

You are going to have to deal with the ebb and flow of the pain that will come with grieving and you cannot skip any steps or make it go any faster. No, unfortunately you will have to process it.

In truth I was going to add a bit more, but I'll wait for your next response. I unfortunately am kinda stuck dealing with a leak in my water main in the basement. Fun times...yay. At least I am not swimming in a pool in my basement though. Ha  

Keep your head up.

Cheers and best wishes to you SW!

#bropound

-SC-

[SwfD]

Good morning SC, and again ... THANK YOU so much for taking the time to respond to me.  I can't tell you how important and reassuring your attention is ... because other than my therapist I am feeling very isolated and alone.  That being said I have SO MUCH support from my parents and my brother and my colleagues and my incredible extended family and friends and even total strangers who are checking in on me and praying for me.   That has been an amazing silver lining in all of this because it makes me feel like a pretty damn good person, which I humbly think I am.  It's just hard because I know they can't empathize with me because they were not THERE ... only I was there and only people who have been there (like you and others on this site can truly understand)
So ... I greatly appreciate everything you wrote and all of your thoughts and I am completely open to the fact that there may have been a mis diagnosis or other factors involved.   I can tell you in all honesty ... it always feels to me LIKE I AM MISSING SOMETHING HERE ... SOMETHING IS JUST NOT MAKING SENSE.  That could be the case or it is simply that I am trying to rationalize something that is irrational!
Let me begin by answering your questions and then adding a little more info that might be pertinent.
I can tell you that she definitely lacked direction of any sort.   From the smallest things like what to make the kids for dinner ... to a complete lack of financial restraint (I helped her with rent a good deal and that weighs on me now) to what we will be doing tonight or tomorrow and she changed her mind at the last minute constantly.   She was also always always always late unless we had to make a plane or get to a meeting or something extremely important.   She has worked at left at least 10 jobs in the past 15 years ... happy at first and then immediately dissatisfied.   She would often make fun of me for planning too much ... but to her credit she would often thank me for being loving and caring enough to plan things out just a bit.  There were times I had to laugh because I am actually a very spontaneous person and not a planner ... but compared to her it might have looked that way.
You asked about mimicking  ... and I don't think she really did that.   She had very specific likes and dislikes and openly expressed them to me (like no country music and doesn't like movies etc...) so I don't feel as if we did whatever I wanted to do.  If she didn't want to do something she was polite about it but I will say I planned a lot of surprises and she absolutely loved hearing about them and experiencing them as well.  I can safely say I don't think she mimicking my actions or my attention.  In fact she would often say that she was sorry that she didn't express her love as often or as well as she thought I did and I told her that was not at all a problem.  (That is why her Valentines Day card was so important to me and I will tell you more about that when I tell you about our break up at the appropriate time)
As far as mimicking her mother I may have mislead you ... because she never told me at any point that her mother was loving at all.   She described her as a bit crazy and mean and lazy (her mom would just cash alimony checks and not want to find a job so my ex had to work at a young age).  She never told me a single happy story about her mother except that when her sister was born her mother kinda gave her sister to my ex as a sort of present to love and take care of.  I will say that my ex ...like her mother ...was also quite lazy at times ... as much as she wanted to be a good mother she would accomplish that by spending money on her kids and letting them get away with murder rather then put the time in to properly parenting.  She often told me that she needed my help in raising them because she so wanted their lives to be different than the life she had with her mother and she realized that she was spoiling them and not parenting.  For example 2 of her 3 children missed more days of school than ANY other kids in their classes to the extent that both might be held back and yet she never did anything to discipline them ... and she knew it and it ate at her.   I offered suggestions time and time again and she was responsive to hearing them and thankful she got them but she never had the backbone to do anything. 
One of my biggest regrets and something I am so pissed about is that I was very careful to take things slow with het children but I fell in love with them and they fell in love with me.   My ex was protective of them ... but she had at least 4 failed relationships in the 9 years since her divorce and I KNOW it was not at all healthy for the children to see that.   Supposedly these guys were all takers and not givers and the kids didn't like any of them.   My ex would often watch me interact with her children and when the left she would say to me my god they love you so much and they are so comfortable with you!   She told me how much that meant to her and I know she was being sincere.  I miss her children so much and I know they miss me and I know they must be confused and hurt.
My ex ... as I've said ... had a very fractured relationship with her sister with whom I was very close and her father with whom I was very close.   As I've also said my relationship with my ex actually fostered a better relationship for her with her family ... which became a real negative to my ex when she broke things off.   She held grudges against both her sister and her father since her divorce and she never reached out to them and they often fought.   Of course, she blamed everything on them and I later learned that they were not really at fault and I'm sure in some ways she blames me for our break up as well.   My ex rarely rarely was wrong ... it was always her ex husband her boss her sister her father her kids ... and I'm sure in her head probably me.
I can also tell you that she has few if any friends ... her sister often told me that she felt she was too selfish to have friends because that took give and take.  Her father told me that he was so glad I was in her life because he felt as if he didn't recognize his own daughter and he often commented that she's 50 years old and if she doesn't get it by now she will never get it prior to meeting me.
I've tried to answer your questions as best I could openly and honestly and as always I really welcome your thoughts.
At some point I would Ike to tell you about what happened after she broke off with me ... our brief reconciliation  ... and then our two hour final talk where I believe I witnessed serious mental health issues.
One note ... I am not in contact with her in any shape or form although I do still have all of her texts and messages and I have my Facebook posts of our amazing year that I have edited so only I can see them.  Of course she immediately blocked me on Facebook and I'm sure other ways as well.
Yesterday I noticed that the loving comments she made on my posts to me ... to my friends ... to my parents ... had a slight change.   She changed her name on Facebook back to her maiden name completely out of the blue.  Obviously... she's running again ... trying to create a new identity so she can feed the parasite  ... but those are just my thoughts.
THANK YOU SC ... and please forgive me for grammatical mistakes as I am trying to answer you via cell phone.
I can't tell you how helpful you have been.  This week I am not seeing my therapist as he suggested we start trying every other week as a means of I guess trying to get better on my own.  It so helps to have you to talk with.
SC  ... forgive me but there is a good part of me that still believes my ex was completely sincere in her love for me and that there is something else in play here and yet I read what others have written and those circumstances seem so similar.
I HATE the fact that I sometimes feel hate for her ... I feel angry at her for doing things to make me feel that hate.  I always had her back thru everything  ... I loved her and wanted so much to be her support.  I feel as if she has let me down so much in disappointing me so much ... I don't want to feel that way about her.
I pray that God touches her heart and she realizes what she has done and she comes back to me to try and work on her issues together... and yet I also pray that I know I've probably been saved from a great deal more heartache.
I feel as if I'm getting better ... doing all the right things ... hitting the gum... losing weight ... spending time with family and friends ... counting the days until my beautiful son comes home from college ... but she is always there ... always in my mind and my heart... always just a thought away whether or not i want that thought to be there.
I guess that is all part of the process right?
THANK YOU once again and best of luck with your plumbing problems.
Please know I appreciate you.

[SinisterComplex]

Good morning SC, and again ... THANK YOU so much for taking the time to respond to me.  I can't tell you how important and reassuring your attention is ... because other than my therapist I am feeling very isolated and alone.  That being said I have SO MUCH support from my parents and my brother and my colleagues and my incredible extended family and friends and even total strangers who are checking in on me and praying for me.   That has been an amazing silver lining in all of this because it makes me feel like a pretty damn good person, which I humbly think I am.  It's just hard because I know they can't empathize with me because they were not THERE ... only I was there and only people who have been there (like you and others on this site can truly understand)
So ... I greatly appreciate everything you wrote and all of your thoughts and I am completely open to the fact that there may have been a mis diagnosis or other factors involved.   I can tell you in all honesty ... it always feels to me LIKE I AM MISSING SOMETHING HERE ... SOMETHING IS JUST NOT MAKING SENSE.  That could be the case or it is simply that I am trying to rationalize something that is irrational!
Let me begin by answering your questions and then adding a little more info that might be pertinent.
I can tell you that she definitely lacked direction of any sort.   From the smallest things like what to make the kids for dinner ... to a complete lack of financial restraint (I helped her with rent a good deal and that weighs on me now) to what we will be doing tonight or tomorrow and she changed her mind at the last minute constantly.   She was also always always always late unless we had to make a plane or get to a meeting or something extremely important.   She has worked at left at least 10 jobs in the past 15 years ... happy at first and then immediately dissatisfied.   She would often make fun of me for planning too much ... but to her credit she would often thank me for being loving and caring enough to plan things out just a bit.  There were times I had to laugh because I am actually a very spontaneous person and not a planner ... but compared to her it might have looked that way.
You asked about mimicking  ... and I don't think she really did that.   She had very specific likes and dislikes and openly expressed them to me (like no country music and doesn't like movies etc...) so I don't feel as if we did whatever I wanted to do.  If she didn't want to do something she was polite about it but I will say I planned a lot of surprises and she absolutely loved hearing about them and experiencing them as well.  I can safely say I don't think she mimicking my actions or my attention.  In fact she would often say that she was sorry that she didn't express her love as often or as well as she thought I did and I told her that was not at all a problem.  (That is why her Valentines Day card was so important to me and I will tell you more about that when I tell you about our break up at the appropriate time)
As far as mimicking her mother I may have mislead you ... because she never told me at any point that her mother was loving at all.   She described her as a bit crazy and mean and lazy (her mom would just cash alimony checks and not want to find a job so my ex had to work at a young age).  She never told me a single happy story about her mother except that when her sister was born her mother kinda gave her sister to my ex as a sort of present to love and take care of.  I will say that my ex ...like her mother ...was also quite lazy at times ... as much as she wanted to be a good mother she would accomplish that by spending money on her kids and letting them get away with murder rather then put the time in to properly parenting.  She often told me that she needed my help in raising them because she so wanted their lives to be different than the life she had with her mother and she realized that she was spoiling them and not parenting.  For example 2 of her 3 children missed more days of school than ANY other kids in their classes to the extent that both might be held back and yet she never did anything to discipline them ... and she knew it and it ate at her.   I offered suggestions time and time again and she was responsive to hearing them and thankful she got them but she never had the backbone to do anything.  
One of my biggest regrets and something I am so pissed about is that I was very careful to take things slow with het children but I fell in love with them and they fell in love with me.   My ex was protective of them ... but she had at least 4 failed relationships in the 9 years since her divorce and I KNOW it was not at all healthy for the children to see that.   Supposedly these guys were all takers and not givers and the kids didn't like any of them.   My ex would often watch me interact with her children and when the left she would say to me my god they love you so much and they are so comfortable with you!   She told me how much that meant to her and I know she was being sincere.  I miss her children so much and I know they miss me and I know they must be confused and hurt.
My ex ... as I've said ... had a very fractured relationship with her sister with whom I was very close and her father with whom I was very close.   As I've also said my relationship with my ex actually fostered a better relationship for her with her family ... which became a real negative to my ex when she broke things off.   She held grudges against both her sister and her father since her divorce and she never reached out to them and they often fought.   Of course, she blamed everything on them and I later learned that they were not really at fault and I'm sure in some ways she blames me for our break up as well.   My ex rarely rarely was wrong ... it was always her ex husband her boss her sister her father her kids ... and I'm sure in her head probably me.
I can also tell you that she has few if any friends ... her sister often told me that she felt she was too selfish to have friends because that took give and take.  Her father told me that he was so glad I was in her life because he felt as if he didn't recognize his own daughter and he often commented that she's 50 years old and if she doesn't get it by now she will never get it prior to meeting me.
I've tried to answer your questions as best I could openly and honestly and as always I really welcome your thoughts.
At some point I would Ike to tell you about what happened after she broke off with me ... our brief reconciliation  ... and then our two hour final talk where I believe I witnessed serious mental health issues.
One note ... I am not in contact with her in any shape or form although I do still have all of her texts and messages and I have my Facebook posts of our amazing year that I have edited so only I can see them.  Of course she immediately blocked me on Facebook and I'm sure other ways as well.
Yesterday I noticed that the loving comments she made on my posts to me ... to my friends ... to my parents ... had a slight change.   She changed her name on Facebook back to her maiden name completely out of the blue.  Obviously... she's running again ... trying to create a new identity so she can feed the parasite  ... but those are just my thoughts.
THANK YOU SC ... and please forgive me for grammatical mistakes as I am trying to answer you via cell phone.
I can't tell you how helpful you have been.  This week I am not seeing my therapist as he suggested we start trying every other week as a means of I guess trying to get better on my own.  It so helps to have you to talk with.
SC  ... forgive me but there is a good part of me that still believes my ex was completely sincere in her love for me and that there is something else in play here and yet I read what others have written and those circumstances seem so similar.
I HATE the fact that I sometimes feel hate for her ... I feel angry at her for doing things to make me feel that hate.  I always had her back thru everything  ... I loved her and wanted so much to be her support.  I feel as if she has let me down so much in disappointing me so much ... I don't want to feel that way about her.
I pray that God touches her heart and she realizes what she has done and she comes back to me to try and work on her issues together... and yet I also pray that I know I've probably been saved from a great deal more heartache.
I feel as if I'm getting better ... doing all the right things ... hitting the gum... losing weight ... spending time with family and friends ... counting the days until my beautiful son comes home from college ... but she is always there ... always in my mind and my heart... always just a thought away whether or not i want that thought to be there.
I guess that is all part of the process right?
THANK YOU once again and best of luck with your plumbing problems.
Please know I appreciate you.

SW...you have to process your emotions and you have to grieve yes, but you are not alone my friend. Don't isolate yourself and let the walls close in on you creating a sense desperation and loneliness. Hell no. Don't you dare give her that satisfaction and credit. You are stronger and you are better than that ok...do not question me on that and do not question yourself...have faith and believe in yourself.  

Now, in regard to feeling hate. Honestly SW it is not hate you feel. What it really is...love. Remember there is always a fine line between love and hate. You love her and did love her, but you were hurt so unfortunately your emotional compass is swinging on a pendulum to the extreme of hate. So you hate what happened and you hate how you feel because of the circumstances. You do not hate her. This is tough to sort through, but emotions are a messy clusterF ! How you are feeling is completely normal my friend so please take it easy on yourself and cut yourself some slack. It is a part of the process. You are going to get frustrated and impatient because you will want to rush things...don't. The point is to build YOU into a better version of YOU. This was an important event that happened for you to slow you down and give you time to reflect. Yes some of this time will be grieving. However, as you start getting better and the pain and the hurt lessen start using the time to plan your next steps. What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn about yourself? Think critically like that. You already talked about silver linings...well good continue searching for those. Remember Through Adversity There Is Redemption!

Her love may have been and may be sincere...but not in the way you need it for you. She is limited in her depth to which the love she can provide. You do deserve better. Perhaps through this destruction you can see how awesome you were and how amazing you can be. She did you a favor in the sense this has ended and she pulled more potential out of you and as a positive consequence you will grow and find a better partner because of it. Not only that, but you will be prepared to be a better partner yourself. Make sense?

Something about the age factor I want to mention...with disorders like these they don't just magically go away. The sufferers don't get to have those epiphanies and have the light go on and then they just get it and get better. Doesn't work that way. The unfortunate reality is that they are playing with a handicap for life sadly. So it wouldn't matter if we were talking about a 20-30 year old woman or a 50 year old woman...there will not be many differences. Now can she get treatment...yes. Can she be cured? No. DBT can definitely help. Medication won't do jack S   because the medications provided typically don't do anything other than suppress the problems. Medication doesn't solve or help cure problems...they pacify as long as they are used constantly and consistently.

SW, you are not missing anything I promise you. That is your mind playing tricks on you. She is messed up unfortunately. You cannot make sense of the irrational. You are neurotypical. She is neuroatypical. Her mind is literally physically wired different to yours and I do not mean in a hey we are all different kind of way. No, I mean her mind is warped and her neurons and synapses are abnormal.

If you want to read some research that will at least give you an inkling to what I am referring to please check this out: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1863557/ and also this one: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14728092/

So again you think you are missing something, but you are not. You have reasonable expectations based on dealing with a neurotypical individual. Change your expectation to accepting WHAT IS instead of WHAT SHOULD BE or COULD BE. Train your mind to see that she is disordered and this unfortunately how the cookie crumbles my friend. Does it suck? You are damn right it does. However, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it ok. So please my dear friend no more stressing yourself out over this. Trust me...I understand how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and I especially get the stubborn clinging on to hope. This stuff messes with your head and gets under your skin unlike anything else can. The best thing you can do though is to have a clean break in your head...let go and DO YOU.

Take your time and respond back when ready. Just remember homie...we got you FAM.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Thank you so much SC!   Made me smile a bit and gave me a lot to think about my friend.   I WILL reply shortly!

[SwfD]

Okay SC ... finally had a few minutes here to reply.   You made me laugh because I had some very similar conversations with my friends this weekend.   Finally got a chance to play some golf in Upstate NY and I was terrible.   I'm a pretty damn good stick but my mind was all over the place and so was my game.   Worse than that, my playing partners ... my good friends could see how much I was struggling.   They sat me down after the round and gave me a pretty good talking to ... much like you just did.   Essentially, they said that I was a great guy ... loved by everyone ... and that I was allowing my ex to change who I am as a father, a son, a friend and a colleague.   They were right, as are you ... I need to continue to be good to myself and not allow the sickness that stole my ex ... steal who I am as well.  I know this with my heart and my soul ... I just can't help the times when I feel broken ... when I miss her so much ... but those times are coming far and far less often.
I noticed that you did not mention her diagnosis... or mis diagnosis  ... and you probably did so just because it really doesn't matter does it?   She did to me what she did to me ... and it was cruel and hurtful and selfish and immature and destructive and cold as hell.   Sickness or no sickness ... those are just not the actions of a loving person!  I must say that if it is not BPD it is something additional and probably just as damaging.  I've always been honest with you and I was hoping that it might be something other than BPD ... because maybe that would give us a chance.   I do know that is just seeing things as the way things could be ... rather than seeing things the way they are.  They way they are is I gave my heart and soul to my ex and her children
I woke up every day and told myself I wanted to do anything I could to love and support her and her children.   In her own words I never let her down, I never did anything without acting with grace and love and respect.  I was a hero to her and a role model to her children.   She dreamed of and desperately wanted to ... share the rest of her life with me and then the sickness/parasite needed to be fed and I was dismissed in the most cruel way possible.  THAT is what it is ... and thats what I need to remember.   Why would I ever want to be with anyone like that?  In fact, if my son is EVER treated like that I would tell him to run ... not walk ... run away from that person.
THANK YOU for your support SC ... it has helped a great deal.  I know that recovering from a BPD relationship is a very hard thing to do for some very obvious reasons.  One day at a time ... hate the sickness ... and be good to myself.   
I hope we talk again.
You are appreciated.

[drumdog4M]

SwfD,

A dear friend who knows how mightily I have been struggling with my own break-up said something that might be valuable to as well, in the aftermath of my ex-pwBPD calling me "broken." "You are not broken, but you are wounded."

Do not let whatever makes her less than the partner you deserve (though you naturally love and miss her) to break you. Grieve, heal, and grow.

It seems like you have a good group of supportive friends and family who care for you. Take pride in the fact that you conducted yourself with grace. There's a lot to be said for that when dealing with such emotionally destabilizing behavior.

I too think about what I would tell my children if they were in a relationship with someone like my ex-pwBPD. Funny how they spotted the red flags better than I, although they did like her and she was always kind to them.

Hope my thoughts are helpful as you work to accept the painful but hopeful reality that you really will be better off without her, even though it doesn't feel that way now.

[SwfD]

Good morning Drumdog.  Wanted to step away from work for just a minute to thank you for writing to me.  I do have wonderful family and friends who have supported me thru all of this and I needed it because I fell apart.   This site has been invaluable to my recovery as well ... to know I'm not alone and to receive and hopefully offer support to someone as kind as you.
I am getting better every day and my son will soon be home from college.   I will be dammed if I let my exs sickness affect him in any way ... I am going to continue to be a loving, kind and supportive father!  I WILL use this to grow even knowing growing might mean falling apart sometimes as well.
I loved her and her children with all my heart and all my soul ... even in some of her darkest moments she realized that it was never me ... it was her.  I've acted with grace and dignity to the point where her family (with whom she has fractured relationships) tearfully said goodbye to me.  They hate what she did and how she did it ... but they know they are really the only support system she has.  It will be tough ... but I'm glad they will try to be there for her.
Bottom line is I have always known I did nothing wrong ... those are even her words.
I am sorry for your loss and your pain ... I'm glad you've healed to the point where you are already helping others like me!
Thank you my friend ... and God bless you and your family as well.
You've helped me this morning ... for that I am unbelievably thankful.
SWFD

[drumdog4M]

You're most welcome. I'm glad my words helped you to have a better day. It means a lot to me that they did.

[SinisterComplex]

Okay SC ... finally had a few minutes here to reply.   You made me laugh because I had some very similar conversations with my friends this weekend.   Finally got a chance to play some golf in Upstate NY and I was terrible.   I'm a pretty damn good stick but my mind was all over the place and so was my game.   Worse than that, my playing partners ... my good friends could see how much I was struggling.   They sat me down after the round and gave me a pretty good talking to ... much like you just did.   Essentially, they said that I was a great guy ... loved by everyone ... and that I was allowing my ex to change who I am as a father, a son, a friend and a colleague.   They were right, as are you ... I need to continue to be good to myself and not allow the sickness that stole my ex ... steal who I am as well.  I know this with my heart and my soul ... I just can't help the times when I feel broken ... when I miss her so much ... but those times are coming far and far less often.
I noticed that you did not mention her diagnosis... or mis diagnosis  ... and you probably did so just because it really doesn't matter does it?   She did to me what she did to me ... and it was cruel and hurtful and selfish and immature and destructive and cold as hell.   Sickness or no sickness ... those are just not the actions of a loving person!  I must say that if it is not BPD it is something additional and probably just as damaging.  I've always been honest with you and I was hoping that it might be something other than BPD ... because maybe that would give us a chance.   I do know that is just seeing things as the way things could be ... rather than seeing things the way they are.  They way they are is I gave my heart and soul to my ex and her children
I woke up every day and told myself I wanted to do anything I could to love and support her and her children.   In her own words I never let her down, I never did anything without acting with grace and love and respect.  I was a hero to her and a role model to her children.   She dreamed of and desperately wanted to ... share the rest of her life with me and then the sickness/parasite needed to be fed and I was dismissed in the most cruel way possible.  THAT is what it is ... and thats what I need to remember.   Why would I ever want to be with anyone like that?  In fact, if my son is EVER treated like that I would tell him to run ... not walk ... run away from that person.
THANK YOU for your support SC ... it has helped a great deal.  I know that recovering from a BPD relationship is a very hard thing to do for some very obvious reasons.  One day at a time ... hate the sickness ... and be good to myself.   
I hope we talk again.
You are appreciated.

SW, you will notice there is typically a method to my madness and I typically don't do things by accident. Sometimes the unsaid and the subtle subliminal are more powerful and say so much more than the spoken word. You caught on and figured it out without me having to say anything. The best course of action is to focus on you and not what you cannot control and not go down a rabbit hole which will keep you in perpetual hope and wishful thinking mode. You have to fight to keep yourself out of this vicious cycle because it is a dead end that will just torment you further. You are too good of a person for that.

Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself. You got this.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Thank you so much SC for everything!  I guess I'm getting a little better day by day ... but in all honesty just missing my best friend and all of the many wonderful moments we shared which was 99.9% of our relationship.   I definitely did not experience the major ups and downs that others here have, but I think that might make her loss even harder to bear.
I DO think you are right about a possible misdiagnosis... or a comorbidity ... simply because of her awareness about what she was experiencing.
Again ... the bottom line is that I received a friggin text message saying I can't do this anymore only 4 days after we shared a very special Valentines Day in which she told me she can't imagine her life without me ... profusely thanked me for my love and support ... and talked about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.  Truly we were never happier.
Bottom line ... those are not the actions of a healthy or loving person.
It's gonna take some time ... but with your help and the help of so many loving people ... I will get there my friend.
Hope you don't mind if I reach out if I'm struggling.
I love her and forgive her ... I hate the illness ... I have to be my best self
Be well and if I can ever return your kindness just let me know!
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you so much SC for everything!  I guess I'm getting a little better day by day ... but in all honesty just missing my best friend and all of the many wonderful moments we shared which was 99.9% of our relationship.   I definitely did not experience the major ups and downs that others here have, but I think that might make her loss even harder to bear.
I DO think you are right about a possible misdiagnosis... or a comorbidity ... simply because of her awareness about what she was experiencing.
Again ... the bottom line is that I received a friggin text message saying I can't do this anymore only 4 days after we shared a very special Valentines Day in which she told me she can't imagine her life without me ... profusely thanked me for my love and support ... and talked about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.  Truly we were never happier.
Bottom line ... those are not the actions of a healthy or loving person.
It's gonna take some time ... but with your help and the help of so many loving people ... I will get there my friend.
Hope you don't mind if I reach out if I'm struggling.
I love her and forgive her ... I hate the illness ... I have to be my best self
Be well and if I can ever return your kindness just let me know!
Swfd

SW you reach out whenever necessary. That is why I am here. Same goes for DrumDog and the others. I stick around because I get to use my education and training and make a difference. The best way to repay me...live life the way you should and do better my friend. Just keep us posted on how you are doing. I like knowing the people I have helped are doing better. If you are struggling I want to hear about that too. Remember if you want to get my attention specifically PM me. I have an open door policy. To use a reference from DD...if you want me to share publicly let me know.

Truly I want everyone to be able to get a point where you can understand the feeling of I love me some ME. It's not selfish, it's not conceited. No...it is healthy. If you love and respect yourself others will follow your lead. Personally, I love life and I love experiencing life and any way I can help to have that feeling rub off on others I am all about it.

Cheers and best wishes to you my friend!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Hey my friend thank you so much once again ... you have helped me a great deal with the healing process.   I think there are at least two reasons for that.
The first and most important ... is that you care.
The second is that you share great information which has helped me with healing.   The more I understand about the disorder the more I can accept and understand what happened ... at least try to understand.
May I tell you a few things and then get your thoughts ... but please know this is not because I seek or desire a reconciliation... which seems like just prolonging the agony with a BPD partner.
So I think you know that I felt we were at our absolute happiest on Valentines Day and my prized gift was a card from my ex which she told me to read carefully because I deserved to read and hear those words
She wrote among other things ... you are my hero, you are my best friend, you are my children's hero, you are my shinning light that always leads my way, you are my lover who respects and touches me with love, you are my future, you are my true love and you are my dream come true.   I want to spend everyday for the rest of my life with you. (I bring the card up for a reason)   I've told you it was only a few days later that I got a text completely out of the blue that essentially said I can't do this anymore.
I fell apart ... I literally fell apart and I called her sister with whom I had become close and I immediately sought help from my family and friends and a therapist.   A few days later, after she spoke with her sister and she was furious that I had spoken with her sister we talked.
We actually had a long, good, talk.  It wasn't easy by any means but we got a lot out    I told her how hurt and blindsided I was to receive that text and she apologized for handling things that way.   She explained how stressed she was trying to take care of her 3 children and have a relationship with me ... although she fully admitted that it was my support and love over the last year that helped her and she admitted it was a magical year for her and the kids.  She also admitted that she essentially lied to her sister by telling her the relationship had ended because I was not communicating with her and I was the one who was frustrated.   Her sister, knowing that was not the case ... called her out on it and then the two of them had a heated exchange.
In the end my ex apologized to me and to her sister and we agreed to try again ... take things slow ... and whenever my ex would feel any pressure to let me know she needed space and I would back off.
Over the next 5 weeks we did exactly that and I can't tell you how many times she thanked me for listening to her and supporting her ... and how many times she told me she loved me and that she felt we were going to be stronger for going thru this together.  She seemed so happy and calm and we were intimate and communicating better than we ever had
Fast forward 5 weeks to a Friday night when I was taking her out to a dinner she was so looking forward to sharing with me.
I got to her house, noticed it was very dark and when I got around the corner of her living room she was curled up on the couch.   She was very quiet and again just looked very odd to me.
I asked her if anything was wrong and she said you are always so happy to see me and always so full of life... I'm sorry I'm just exhausted.   My heart sank ... I knew this was the beginning of something far worse
We agreed to delay the dinner an hour or so and she put her head in my lap told me to wake her in an hour and fell asleep.
That hour was hell for me as I stroked her hair ... I knew something was wrong!
When I woke her she literally looked a bit crazed
She immediately said I can't do this anymore!   For the next two hours I watched and felt every emotion possible.  At times she was amazingly open and honest holding my hand and telling me I was her best friend and the only person she trusted.    Minutes later she would say she doesn't want to be with anyone
I told her I thought everything was going so well over the last 5 weeks and she agreed but then immediately shouted I don't know what happiness is ... I don't ever want to be married again ... I don't know who I am.
At one point she said I am so sorry ... I'm not in love with you.  Those words hurt me more than any words I've ever heard but they also made no sense!  I told her I didn't believe her because of all we had discussed over the last 5 weeks.  I carry a photo of the Valentines Day card she gave me on my phone because it meant so much to me ... and she loved that I did so.  I read it back to her word by word and I asked her if those words were true.  I told her to be brutally honest and she said yes every word is true and she meant every word.   I asked her how it is possible that she now says she doesn't love me when she so recently wrote those words.   She just stared at me almost in a fearful way and shouted I just can't do this anymore!   That back and forth went on for almost two hours ... love, honesty, grace ... and then absolute anger and screaming.  It ended when she said I have to admit I am so mad you talked to my sister about us.  I told her that her sister and I had
Become very close (which my ex had been so proud of) and that I turned to her and my friends because I was so shocked and hurt and confused.   I also told her that she might need to rethink why she was so mad and I suggested she was so mad because she got caught lying to her sister about why our relationship had ended   (creating the fake bad guy right?)   she was enraged and kept screaming for me to leave her house which I did with dignity and grace and respect.   Thru all that abuse I never once raised my voice or said anything remotely disparaging toward her.   I walked out quietly, crying as I did and left.
By the time I got home I was blocked on Facebook and I'm assuming blocked everywhere else and its from that I am still trying to recover.
So ... a few questions if I may
Does the fact that my ex seemed so genuine appreciative of my support throughout our relationship sound like someone with BPD?
Does the fact that my ex always told me I've never been in such a loving, supportive, relationship ... I've only been with takers ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD?   does it make sense that she would have been with takers?
Does the fact that my ex was so honest (at least in my mind) during our last talk when she admitted that she meant every word she had written in that card ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD.
She also said that she probably should have worked on herself before dating me last year which I thought was open and honest ... again Does that seem symptomatic of someone with BPD?
I guess ... SC ... as I sat with my ex those last few hours I thought I saw someone broken and almost crying for help but I also knew I couldn't really help her anymore.
Do you see why I feel as if I'm missing something?   Such a bad damn feeling.
Look I like you and respect you too much to BS you my friend
There IS a part of me that wonders if my ex is dealing with BPD and some other trauma ... because 99.9 % of the time she was so blissfully content and happy and supportive and appreciative.   I don't know my friend ... I just don't know.
I KNOW in my heart my ex (hate calling her that I would rather respectfully use her name) is sick ... she IS fighting demons and that I can't help her in that fight although the few people who love her ... her children ... her sister ... her father ... all knew I WAS helping her.
My greatest peace I guess is knowing that many many people have supported me and prayed for me and although I'm not deeply religious I realize this is in God's hands and perhaps this is the absolutely best thing for a good and decent man like me.
I fully realize she may not have given me a moments thought from the minute I stepped foot out of her house and perhaps she is already with a replacement.   I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children
I just do so miss my best damn friend and the love of my life and I wish I knew she felt the same.
I also know I'm crying less and getting stronger and I need to love myself more and more.
Thanks for listening my friend ... as always I appreciate you!
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Hey my friend thank you so much once again ... you have helped me a great deal with the healing process.   I think there are at least two reasons for that.
The first and most important ... is that you care.
The second is that you share great information which has helped me with healing.   The more I understand about the disorder the more I can accept and understand what happened ... at least try to understand.
May I tell you a few things and then get your thoughts ... but please know this is not because I seek or desire a reconciliation... which seems like just prolonging the agony with a BPD partner.
So I think you know that I felt we were at our absolute happiest on Valentines Day and my prized gift was a card from my ex which she told me to read carefully because I deserved to read and hear those words
She wrote among other things ... you are my hero, you are my best friend, you are my children's hero, you are my shinning light that always leads my way, you are my lover who respects and touches me with love, you are my future, you are my true love and you are my dream come true.   I want to spend everyday for the rest of my life with you. (I bring the card up for a reason)   I've told you it was only a few days later that I got a text completely out of the blue that essentially said I can't do this anymore.
I fell apart ... I literally fell apart and I called her sister with whom I had become close and I immediately sought help from my family and friends and a therapist.   A few days later, after she spoke with her sister and she was furious that I had spoken with her sister we talked.
We actually had a long, good, talk.  It wasn't easy by any means but we got a lot out    I told her how hurt and blindsided I was to receive that text and she apologized for handling things that way.   She explained how stressed she was trying to take care of her 3 children and have a relationship with me ... although she fully admitted that it was my support and love over the last year that helped her and she admitted it was a magical year for her and the kids.  She also admitted that she essentially lied to her sister by telling her the relationship had ended because I was not communicating with her and I was the one who was frustrated.   Her sister, knowing that was not the case ... called her out on it and then the two of them had a heated exchange.
In the end my ex apologized to me and to her sister and we agreed to try again ... take things slow ... and whenever my ex would feel any pressure to let me know she needed space and I would back off.
Over the next 5 weeks we did exactly that and I can't tell you how many times she thanked me for listening to her and supporting her ... and how many times she told me she loved me and that she felt we were going to be stronger for going thru this together.  She seemed so happy and calm and we were intimate and communicating better than we ever had
Fast forward 5 weeks to a Friday night when I was taking her out to a dinner she was so looking forward to sharing with me.
I got to her house, noticed it was very dark and when I got around the corner of her living room she was curled up on the couch.   She was very quiet and again just looked very odd to me.
I asked her if anything was wrong and she said you are always so happy to see me and always so full of life... I'm sorry I'm just exhausted.   My heart sank ... I knew this was the beginning of something far worse
We agreed to delay the dinner an hour or so and she put her head in my lap told me to wake her in an hour and fell asleep.
That hour was hell for me as I stroked her hair ... I knew something was wrong!
When I woke her she literally looked a bit crazed
She immediately said I can't do this anymore!   For the next two hours I watched and felt every emotion possible.  At times she was amazingly open and honest holding my hand and telling me I was her best friend and the only person she trusted.    Minutes later she would say she doesn't want to be with anyone
I told her I thought everything was going so well over the last 5 weeks and she agreed but then immediately shouted I don't know what happiness is ... I don't ever want to be married again ... I don't know who I am.
At one point she said I am so sorry ... I'm not in love with you.  Those words hurt me more than any words I've ever heard but they also made no sense!  I told her I didn't believe her because of all we had discussed over the last 5 weeks.  I carry a photo of the Valentines Day card she gave me on my phone because it meant so much to me ... and she loved that I did so.  I read it back to her word by word and I asked her if those words were true.  I told her to be brutally honest and she said yes every word is true and she meant every word.   I asked her how it is possible that she now says she doesn't love me when she so recently wrote those words.   She just stared at me almost in a fearful way and shouted I just can't do this anymore!   That back and forth went on for almost two hours ... love, honesty, grace ... and then absolute anger and screaming.  It ended when she said I have to admit I am so mad you talked to my sister about us.  I told her that her sister and I had
Become very close (which my ex had been so proud of) and that I turned to her and my friends because I was so shocked and hurt and confused.   I also told her that she might need to rethink why she was so mad and I suggested she was so mad because she got caught lying to her sister about why our relationship had ended   (creating the fake bad guy right?)   she was enraged and kept screaming for me to leave her house which I did with dignity and grace and respect.   Thru all that abuse I never once raised my voice or said anything remotely disparaging toward her.   I walked out quietly, crying as I did and left.
By the time I got home I was blocked on Facebook and I'm assuming blocked everywhere else and its from that I am still trying to recover.
So ... a few questions if I may
Does the fact that my ex seemed so genuine appreciative of my support throughout our relationship sound like someone with BPD?
Does the fact that my ex always told me I've never been in such a loving, supportive, relationship ... I've only been with takers ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD?   does it make sense that she would have been with takers?
Does the fact that my ex was so honest (at least in my mind) during our last talk when she admitted that she meant every word she had written in that card ... sound symptomatic of someone with BPD.
She also said that she probably should have worked on herself before dating me last year which I thought was open and honest ... again Does that seem symptomatic of someone with BPD?
I guess ... SC ... as I sat with my ex those last few hours I thought I saw someone broken and almost crying for help but I also knew I couldn't really help her anymore.
Do you see why I feel as if I'm missing something?   Such a bad damn feeling.
Look I like you and respect you too much to BS you my friend
There IS a part of me that wonders if my ex is dealing with BPD and some other trauma ... because 99.9 % of the time she was so blissfully content and happy and supportive and appreciative.   I don't know my friend ... I just don't know.
I KNOW in my heart my ex (hate calling her that I would rather respectfully use her name) is sick ... she IS fighting demons and that I can't help her in that fight although the few people who love her ... her children ... her sister ... her father ... all knew I WAS helping her.
My greatest peace I guess is knowing that many many people have supported me and prayed for me and although I'm not deeply religious I realize this is in God's hands and perhaps this is the absolutely best thing for a good and decent man like me.
I fully realize she may not have given me a moments thought from the minute I stepped foot out of her house and perhaps she is already with a replacement.   I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children
I just do so miss my best damn friend and the love of my life and I wish I knew she felt the same.
I also know I'm crying less and getting stronger and I need to love myself more and more.
Thanks for listening my friend ... as always I appreciate you!
Swfd

I will have a more in depth review probably tomorrow, but just in case you peek in I did want to touch base on this thought process..."I also know I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps now she really is focusing on herself and her children." - Yeah so...my friend this kind of thinking is why recycles happen. You are still hoping and wanting to be wrong and wanting to prove love will conquer all in the end...stop it. That is fantasy. Look my man regardless of my education and training I can also speak from experience of being married to a woman who was the epitome of Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. Do you think I wanted to give in? Think I was ok with getting divorced? F no! However, I do not regret the experience.

I learned a lot and in the end it truly made me stronger and an absolute force to be reckoned with. Hell it took me quite some time to truly get past what she did to me. I went through the same S  you are going through. No one could understand. After a while I just got tired of hearing everyone else's opinion and I was like F  this! I bow to no one and I will never give in to weakness! I got kicked in the nuts and had to start from scratch and my friend I truly hit rock bottom and contrary to many I unfortunately know what real rock bottom is all about...no I do not care to go into detail on that because it is long since passed and this about helping you and not focusing on me (I have no problem sharing...the point is I want the focus on helping you because we are in the now, not the past). My point here was...please use every fiber of your being to resist the temptation of the fantasy...it is a motherF :cursing:ing MIRAGE!

You are damn right you need to focus on loving yourself more. You get 1 life bro so never let anyone else ever have the power of dominion over your happiness. I know this is hard for you because you are truly a nice, kind, genuine, warm, and caring man. Hell you are probably a better man than I, but take it from a man who has been through hell and back...learning true self awareness and self love is the greatest thing you can ever experience. Internal validation carries so much more weight than external validation. It gives you real power.

When you can flip that switch you will naturally have an abundancy mind set and stop coming from a place of scarcity. You will realize you are the prize and do not need others to validate that for you. You go about your life and DO YOU and better opportunities will happen.

So I will flip some questions back on you that I want you to take some time to ponder...

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Of course we can go deeper, but my friend my point here is to open you up and to pull you out of the funk. We start by focusing on YOU and not on her.

Like I said I will have more tomorrow most likely.

Cheers and best wishes SW...Keep your head up, be kind to YOU and take care of YOU!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Good morning SC and THANK YOU!
Hey my friend, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you as a resource and as a friend.  Yes, a friend ... and I thank you for that.
Yesterday I had a very productive counseling session with my great therapist... and he, like you, is also a blessing.
I want you to know that I HEARD every word you just said and I'm getting there.  I know you care about me, so I want you to please understand that I am getting there.
No one knows better then you ... this is a process and by no means an easy one
I asked my therapist how "he thought I was doing" and he said ... "you are doing effing great!"
I so needed to hear that from him and so needed to read what you just wrote me ... funny how that happens
I'm busy at work right now  ...  Wanna crush it today for ME and MY SON!  I know you love hearing that don't you SC?
But I also wanted you to know I did check in and was thrilled to read and accept your challenge.
I look forward to answering the questions you put to me ... and as always I look forward to communicating with you
Finally, I am so sorry that you suffered as much as you did ... but I can tell it has made you one hell of a man.   
It's made you the kind of guy who reaches out to a complete stranger to help pull him along ... the kind of guy who loves enough to tell the truth ... the kind of guy who makes a difference in thus world
This complete stranger so appreciates your love and concern ... there's just no other way to put it.
Be well and thank you.   Have a great day and we will talk soon.
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Good morning SC and THANK YOU!
Hey my friend, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you as a resource and as a friend.  Yes, a friend ... and I thank you for that.
Yesterday I had a very productive counseling session with my great therapist... and he, like you, is also a blessing.
I want you to know that I HEARD every word you just said and I'm getting there.  I know you care about me, so I want you to please understand that I am getting there.
No one knows better then you ... this is a process and by no means an easy one
I asked my therapist how "he thought I was doing" and he said ... "you are doing effing great!"
I so needed to hear that from him and so needed to read what you just wrote me ... funny how that happens
I'm busy at work right now  ...  Wanna crush it today for ME and MY SON!  I know you love hearing that don't you SC?
But I also wanted you to know I did check in and was thrilled to read and accept your challenge.
I look forward to answering the questions you put to me ... and as always I look forward to communicating with you
Finally, I am so sorry that you suffered as much as you did ... but I can tell it has made you one hell of a man.   
It's made you the kind of guy who reaches out to a complete stranger to help pull him along ... the kind of guy who loves enough to tell the truth ... the kind of guy who makes a difference in thus world
This complete stranger so appreciates your love and concern ... there's just no other way to put it.
Be well and thank you.   Have a great day and we will talk soon.
Swfd

Now you are speaking my language and that is what I want to hear. You keep that thought process going. The goal is to win at life man. You do that by focusing on what you can control. You do that by focusing on doing and letting everything else fall into place.

Eh hey man trust me I am all good. The scars will always be there of course and despite what some may think at times, I am but merely a human and not a super hero (I am commonly referred to as the Hulk...) or a machine. I'm just an ordinary dude who has learned how to persevere through the bullS life can throw at you. Nothing more, nothing less.

I love being able to help people from the shadows to prove an important point. For many people who face adversity or who have to deal with mental health disorders, or being the victim of dealing with a disordered individual there is an all too common tendency to feel alone. To feel powerless. To feel helpless and hopeless. I reach out from the shadows to provide comfort to let you know that no you are not alone and that there are people out there who will help you, who give a S  , have your back, and will lift you up, or smack ya upside the head to knock some sense into you if need be ;-).

Take your time and keep your head up. You are doing just fine. Just remember in times like these it isn't about what happened to you, it is why is this happening for me. Keep that mind set. Better times ahead for you good sir.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SwfD]

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Hey my friend ... had a bit of time and wanted to get back to you.  Before I answer your questions wanted to tell you something that happened yesterday that you might find interesting.
I'm a avid golfer and a pretty good stick, but I've had issues with my hip over the last few years which I thought I could cure or at least relieve with therapy.   Just found out that is not helping as much as I had hoped and looks like I might be headed for surgery at some point down the line.  Almost immediately I thought you know what ... I came into her life at at time when she was at a low point (DWI and desperate financially).  Through my love and support (her words not mine) I provided the best year of her life with dinners and trips and gifts and endless support for her and the kids.  And yet ... where is she now ... when I need love and support of my own?   I thought you know what ... eff this and eff her.   I'm gonna concentrate on me before, during and after this operation and I'm gonna take great care of myself for ME and for my SON.  I know he is proud of his Papa and I'm gonna make him even prouder.  Funny how that little challenge made me focus.  Focus on me!
So my friend let me answer your questions honestly!
I do not need a partner.   As much as I love being in a relationship I have spent a good deal of time alone.  I was divorced 13 years ago and have only had a 2 year relationship immediately after my divorce and my relationship with my ex last year.  In between I wanted to focus on being a great Dad and I'm proud to say I have been and will continue to be.   My son is an honor student studying pre law at BC!  He's brilliant and loving and kind and amazing and he is my life!
I am actually happy when I'm alone and I can easily be alone.  I have great friends I work hard and I try to be a supportive son to my aging parents.  I also do both thestre and films and I actually have my SAG card so occasionally I do that.
Last year when I met my ex I was in a great place and not really looking for a relationship at all.   I told her ... and I meant it ... that if things did not work with us I would be fine because I was very happy being alone.   I was with her because I loved her company and her support and I adored her children as well.  To her credit, she knew what I meant and she greatly appreciated that I was with her because I wanted to be and not because I needed to be.
I wish I felt that way when the relationship ended but you well know all of the many reasons I was so devastated.   Seems like devastation is part and parcel of a BPD break up.
I guess my biggest insecurity is that I'm in my late 50s although everyone thinks I'm in my 40s.  I'm in great shape and very young at heart but I do wish I was younger if only to offer more time to a loving relationship.
What makes me me ... I guess I can honestly say that I'm a truly good person ... I always try to see the best in everyone and I am someone who would do anything for someone i truly love.  I do believe in loving others as I want to be loved myself.
As far as my past relationships go I had a great talk with my therapist about that.
I've had few relationships but they've always been fairly serious.   I never dated if I didn't see a future ... I'd rather be alone then spend time with someone in a Caz relationship.
I do realize tho ... that several of my relationships were difficult in that I was always attracted to giving someone great support.  I lost one relationship with someone I adored because she was not from this country and she had to return to her homeland to take care of her aging parents.  I lost another loving relationship to someone whose brother was killed and she fell apart because of that.
My therapist pointed out that in each case I was called on to be highly supportive and in each case I lost love through something out of my control ... of course including my BPD ex.
Of course, this has been the hardest road of all and you, he and I know exactly why. I was definitely I'm love with the love and support I was providing for my ex ... and of course she stoked that fire by being so vocal about her appreciation of my support.   You know my friend, that is a huge part of my hurt ... how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too.
I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and I'm continously appreciative of your support.
Be well SC ... stay well and thank you!
Swfd

[SinisterComplex]

Do you NEED a partner?
Are you actually Happy when you are alone?
Can you be happy alone?
Do you notice any patterns in your dating history?
What do you feel your insecurities are?
What is your identity?
Who are YOU? What makes you who you are?

Hey my friend ... had a bit of time and wanted to get back to you.  Before I answer your questions wanted to tell you something that happened yesterday that you might find interesting.
I'm a avid golfer and a pretty good stick, but I've had issues with my hip over the last few years which I thought I could cure or at least relieve with therapy.   Just found out that is not helping as much as I had hoped and looks like I might be headed for surgery at some point down the line.  Almost immediately I thought you know what ... I came into her life at at time when she was at a low point (DWI and desperate financially).  Through my love and support (her words not mine) I provided the best year of her life with dinners and trips and gifts and endless support for her and the kids.  And yet ... where is she now ... when I need love and support of my own?   I thought you know what ... eff this and eff her.   I'm gonna concentrate on me before, during and after this operation and I'm gonna take great care of myself for ME and for my SON.  I know he is proud of his Papa and I'm gonna make him even prouder.  Funny how that little challenge made me focus.  Focus on me!
So my friend let me answer your questions honestly!
I do not need a partner.   As much as I love being in a relationship I have spent a good deal of time alone.  I was divorced 13 years ago and have only had a 2 year relationship immediately after my divorce and my relationship with my ex last year.  In between I wanted to focus on being a great Dad and I'm proud to say I have been and will continue to be.   My son is an honor student studying pre law at BC!  He's brilliant and loving and kind and amazing and he is my life!
I am actually happy when I'm alone and I can easily be alone.  I have great friends I work hard and I try to be a supportive son to my aging parents.  I also do both thestre and films and I actually have my SAG card so occasionally I do that.
Last year when I met my ex I was in a great place and not really looking for a relationship at all.   I told her ... and I meant it ... that if things did not work with us I would be fine because I was very happy being alone.   I was with her because I loved her company and her support and I adored her children as well.  To her credit, she knew what I meant and she greatly appreciated that I was with her because I wanted to be and not because I needed to be.
I wish I felt that way when the relationship ended but you well know all of the many reasons I was so devastated.   Seems like devastation is part and parcel of a BPD break up.
I guess my biggest insecurity is that I'm in my late 50s although everyone thinks I'm in my 40s.  I'm in great shape and very young at heart but I do wish I was younger if only to offer more time to a loving relationship.
What makes me me ... I guess I can honestly say that I'm a truly good person ... I always try to see the best in everyone and I am someone who would do anything for someone i truly love.  I do believe in loving others as I want to be loved myself.
As far as my past relationships go I had a great talk with my therapist about that.
I've had few relationships but they've always been fairly serious.   I never dated if I didn't see a future ... I'd rather be alone then spend time with someone in a Caz relationship.
I do realize tho ... that several of my relationships were difficult in that I was always attracted to giving someone great support.  I lost one relationship with someone I adored because she was not from this country and she had to return to her homeland to take care of her aging parents.  I lost another loving relationship to someone whose brother was killed and she fell apart because of that.
My therapist pointed out that in each case I was called on to be highly supportive and in each case I lost love through something out of my control ... of course including my BPD ex.
Of course, this has been the hardest road of all and you, he and I know exactly why. I was definitely I'm love with the love and support I was providing for my ex ... and of course she stoked that fire by being so vocal about her appreciation of my support.   You know my friend, that is a huge part of my hurt ... how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too.
I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and I'm continously appreciative of your support.
Be well SC ... stay well and thank you!
Swfd

I haven't had a chance recently to respond so I am in catch up mode. However, I am happy to hear you got your mind going on the right track. I will provide a more typical thorough response probably tomorrow night.

In the meantime...for the hip...I recommend getting your hands on some topical bpc-157 combined with TB-500 and a topical Tetrahydrocurcumin supplement. This is what I use to keep myself lifting like I do and what I used to help my 75 year old mother heal up. Ironically her hip was causing her immense pain and left her with terrible mobility for a couple of days. I started using those topical creams and within 2 days the pain had subsided. The THC... not the puff puff pass stuff, but the topical curcumin will help the pain subside fairly quickly as it is a very powerful anti-inflammatory. The BPC-157 and TB-500 will help with healing and rebuilding and strengthening damaged tissue.

Take care of that hip and keep moving forward. 

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Part 2 of my response as promised...

"how can someone who was so happy and so vocal about her love for me be so callous and non sensical the minute she felt uncomfortable with my love and support.
Of course the answer is ... because she is sick ... and will always be sick and unfortunately for her ... she will never know the joy and freedom of actually loving someone.
But this is about me ... and I have, can and will find a loving supportive relationship and if I don't... thats cool too."

^^^This was the most important part of your response. This is true progress and shows you are moving along in your journey to healing. Does it mean you are all patched up and good to go? To be blunt...Hell no! However, it is a damn good start.

I will be honest...I surmised that your relationship pattern may have been along those lines. Your kindness is a strength and never a weakness. However, that said kindness is something you have to guard fiercely because while it is your greatest strength it is also your greatest vulnerability and leaves you open to getting taken advantage of and treated poorly. This is why I explain to many on here that you have to get used to seeing the WHAT IS and accepting that WHAT IS. Your mind will play a trick on you and having WHAT YOU WANT TO BE override your better judgment and you will do as you did in this last relationship...you will dismiss and accept bad behavior because you will be stuck on it can't be this and it can't be that type of thinking.

I've taken many under my wing...friends, family, subordinates alike and helped them to understand it is ok to be assertive and that you cannot be afraid to call someone on their S  . You always have to place respect above being liked. Unfortunately trying to be liked and people pleasing behavior leads to you being treated like a doormat. This is why I say if you try to please everyone you will effectively please no one!

I can understand the age thing, but I think you have to train your mind to look at your age as a positive and a strength. Why? You have wisdom and experience that cannot be taught and that puts you in a position of power...a prime example I have to throw out...Tom Brady...the undisputed GOAT Quarterback. He actually got better as he has aged and that isn't opinion...it's fact because of watching him play and passing the seeing eye test and the numbers don't lie. Also...look at Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. A prime example of age being a strength.The man is still in his prime at near 50...or lets say has extended his prime because of the work he puts into himself and crafting strong positive relationships. With age you gain the ability to craft better relationships if you use your wisdom and knowledge of the past. The physical is fleeting and many people get too hung up on the vanity of their youth. The mind will always be more important and more powerful than the body. If you need some other examples...I dated much older women than myself and had pleasant experiences. I learned a lot, but they also learned a lot from me as well. In many respects age is just a number...I taught them their age is a positive, not a negative. The relationships didn't end because of anything age related. Nope, just differences and incompatibilities that would not work out long-term. Hence why you date. Anyway...Age...Own it. Embrace it. Something I mentioned to them as I will share with you...Learn, Teach, Lead. Always keep that in mind.

So as not to get on a total diatribe I will cut myself off.... I can feel the philosophical discussion kicking in just like this is 20 years ago and I am in the college auditorium hashing out science vs philosophy.

Hey just for entertainment purposes and fun...hey you never know...there could be a way to stave off father time. I mean scientists have identified an immortality gene...The LIN-28A gene. Not to mention if you can solve the equation for balancing out AMPK vs MTOR and Follistatin vs Myostatin you theoretically could remain looking and feeling like you are in your 40's when your 80? LOL 

Be well SW and take care of that hip.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

Hi, I know I’m super late to this thread but just wanted to chime in and say that your ex reminds me SOO much of mine and mine is also dBPD now, as well as NPD and HPD and who know what else.

So many of the events you describe, and even the words she used, are just like my ex and so many on this site. I don’t check here too often anymore but I hope you keep reading, posting, and going to therapy.

The cognitive dissonance between her letter to you and her discarding you is such a painful experience. I have been there and it does get better. Give it time and take care of yourself and protect yourself from her as your wounds heal.

Hope you’re doing well and she will always act in these crazy push pull cycles.

You and all of us deserve better!