Sanity Check

[grootyoda]

Hi All,

I've been posting semi-regularly over the last few weeks and have found the community here to be very helpful. I wanted to check in and get a sanity check regarding recent events and the "BPD Episode Pattern" I've put together based on my observations to make sure I'm seeing things clearly.

The early warning signs I've come to look for are things like increased negative commentary about other people (coworkers, my family, friends), more frequent boundary pushing, increased provocative/inappropriate behavior, and fishing for ways to spend money.

(That last one is my main signal that rough days are coming. My pwBPD is very much an impulse spender, so I have set up our budget such that we are both allotted funds in separate bank accounts for the month after our bills are paid and grocery/household needs are accounted for. Usually, about the middle of the month, I'll notice an increase in her wanting to spend money from the joint account. If I ask how she's doing on her money for the month she'll insist she's doing fine, but if I press the issue it typically turns out she is running close to empty.) Based on how this has played out over time, it seems like there is a progression from having reduced means for impulsive behavior to an increase in pushing my boundaries.

These initial "boundary pushing" behaviors will then progress to what I call the "barrage of unrealistic requests". I'll get numerous text messages throughout the workday about random things she wants us to go do or things she wants us to buy, most of which I can just ignore and never hear about again. Alternatively, I'll say I need to think about it, or see what our calendar and budget look like, but ultimately there are things I'll just have to say "No" to because they are outside our budget for the month or will not work with our schedule. We have a young child, which means that time is valuable asset that we have to manage carefully, and this really bumps up against the impulsiveness for obvious reasons.

After the barrage of requests, we move to the main act, the "event itself". Eventually my pwBPD will run into a situation that demands responsible adult behavior. In the most recent episode I had been at work all day, making our weekly grocery run, making dinner, and solo parenting from early in the morning until after I put our child to bed for the evening. My pwBPD got home from work shortly after our child's bedtime and it was her turn to get up with our child if she woke up in the middle of the night. When that eventually did happen she refused, citing the fact that she had to work late, and told me to just bring her to our bed. I eventually got up myself and spent about two hours trying to resettle my child in her own bed (she's been going through a spell of sleep regression and figured out that if she cries long enough she might get to come to our room) before accepting that the only way I was getting any sleep was to take her to our room. Now my pwBPD was upset that our child wanted to play with her in bed. I knew that was probably going to happen, but at this point I didn't have the energy to expend, so I put on my night mask and told her she could try and get her back down in her own bed. I was pretty angry at my pwBPD at this point but the situation was what it was so I just went to sleep.

The next morning we move on to the "litany of aggressions". I woke up early to do my morning chores and walk the animals, my pwBPD woke up and got our child started on her morning milk. When I got back she wanted to talk about the previous night. Knowing how this was probably going to go, I tried to keep things simple by reiterating that our rule is that we alternate who wakes up with the child, and she only comes to our bed as a last resort. She insisted I was making up new rules, we never wrote that down, everything has to be a contract in this family because we don't really love each other, it was my fault for caving, etc. At this point I simply said that it was clear we couldn't really have this conversation this morning and I was going to get ready to take our child to daycare and go to work. She went on with accusations that I didn't help her during the morning, she shouldn't have to be in charge of our kid when she had to wake up with her the night before, I was just saying I was getting ready for work so I can lie in the bath all morning, etc. Again, I tried to keep things simple by stating that we both have our responsibilities in the morning and we're each accountable for handling them.

I finally get out the door and the litany continues via text messages a while longer, and I'll try to stay in my "posture of non-engagement", knowing now is not at all a good time to be negotiating anything or attempting to address grievances. Eventually she apologizes and admits she was not being fair to me, she needs to take responsibility, she'll do all the hard stuff this week so I can have a break, etc. The whole time leading up to the "eventual apologetic plea", I'm racking my brain wondering if it really is just me making things difficult, being too rigid, not communicating clearly enough, etc.

So, just to give a summary rundown, an episode typically follows this pattern:

Decrease in outlets for impulsivity
Increased Boundary Pushing
Barrage of Unrealistic Requests
Inescapable Reality Check
The Event Itself
Litany of Aggressions
Posture of Non-Engagement
Eventual Apologetic Plea

Does this kind of pattern sounds familiar to others? I've tried to keep my recollection here at least of bit on the humorous side because it helps me stay in an objective, less stressed out mindset about navigating things. Is that a process others have found helpful for dealing with the realities of being a partner to a pwBPD in the long term? Are there parts of my behavior throughout the pattern that are exacerbating things, or is this probably about as well as I can expect things to go?

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[PeteWitsend]

Certainly looks like a pattern.  

But I'll add, I think they can get triggered by patterns, and also spontaneous events, so don't get your hopes up that there's anything to "solve" here.  At best you might get to cut down on some of the fighting by recognizing the pattern, and preparing yourself accordingly.  In my experience, if they're "jonesing for conflict" though, they'll find a way to create it, come hell or high water.  And no amount of emotional caretaking and validation by you is going to prevent that.

Also seems like she has "addictive personality" issues, and impulse spending is another manifestation of those.

It's understandable in some ways... I mean relying on another person for money, or constraining yourself to a mutual budget as an adult is not pleasant - BPD or not - so things may not be rosy even if she wasn't BPD.  

But because she is, you get the bonus BPD freakout that comes with feelings of stress and control.  

[grootyoda]

Also seems like she has "addictive personality" issues, and impulse spending is another manifestation of those.

Yes, addiction is a known historical factor for her. To her credit, she's come a very long way where substances like alcohol are concerned (she's been sober from that for years), but it's one of the main reasons I manage our money and why it is split out the way it is. When we've kept everything in one big pot it has caused more issues than it solved. She had to be more transparent with me about what she was spending money on, but it hyper-exacerbated the parent-child dynamic because she felt like she had to ask me for permission to buy anything (which, to be fair, is exactly what would happen when her spending inevitably outpaced what I'd portioned out for the month). It put me on a path of being more controlling than I wanted to be, or alternatively just letting impulsive shopping undermine our finances. I finally got to a point where I just needed to accept that she is going to spend impulsively, and set things up to minimize how much of that I'm going to allow to be my concern.

[PeteWitsend]

... I finally got to a point where I just needed to accept that she is going to spend impulsively, and set things up to minimize how much of that I'm going to allow to be my concern.

No good deed goes unpunished.

But honestly, I think these sort cyclical blowups every month are something you're just going to have to get used to, and remind yourself that the alternatives are worse for your family, financially. 

Not sure what sort of hobby or activity she could find - that isn't harmful or costs a lot of money - in order to "fill the void."  But it's probably just not something a pwBPD can do.

[grootyoda]

I appreciate the candid response. This is more or less how I'm looking at things right now, and your comments about hobbies are pretty dead on. She has taken up a number of different things, or at least talked about it, but usually that doesn't last very long. I've learned to take news about new interests with a healthy sized grain of salt and take a "wait and see" approach before really voluntarily putting too much money into it.

[PeteWitsend]

I appreciate the candid response. This is more or less how I'm looking at things right now, and your comments about hobbies are pretty dead on. She has taken up a number of different things, or at least talked about it, but usually that doesn't last very long. I've learned to take news about new interests with a healthy sized grain of salt and take a "wait and see" approach before really voluntarily putting too much money into it.

When I moved out, there was at least one (1) item in most rooms of the house that we bought when BPDxw decided she was going to take up XYZ as a hobby: Easel & set of paint, sewing machine, box of craft supplies, box of needlepoint projects, guitar, etc. ...

Sometimes she would spend a couple minutes on it once or twice before storing it away for good.  other times it would go straight to a drawer or closet, never to see daylight again.

Her impulse control was closely akin to an infant seeing a shiny object, handling it for 20 seconds, then dropping it in the middle of the floor and moving on to something else.

I'm remembering too, she was constantly coming up with hare-brained business schemes, that typically had no real plans other than her somehow becoming rich and famous from them.  I succeeded in keeping any of these plans from ever costing us real money, knowing they'd always peter out once that pesky issue of "having to actually focus and work on something" came up.  Of course, what was happening here was that I was afraid of her success, keeping her down by always doubting her...