Almost gone girl? Do we continue?

[Firsttimefather]

I’m going to outline the timetable as to not to have such a long narrative but here’s where we are:

- I returned to my gfBPD after 4 weeks away in December. I went back after she begged me and said she missed everything about me please come home.(you can read my past posts about what led to our split.This was actually our only real ‘break up in our almost 2 year relationship thus far)

-January she interviewed for out of state job that puts her closer to family.This was initiated in Dec when I was split black

-Interview went well but she was undecided as if to take the job and move so asked to weigh pros and cons with me though any ‘con’ I presented she twisted to a ‘pro’

-February 14th we are discussing and working on a family.She says she wants to be with me and have a child. she takes one week trip with family and returns.The whole time I am kept on the fence: does she or doesn’t she take the job. She returns from trip, pregnancy test positive says she is having second thoughts about job. I suggest let’s  wait out our lease enjoy where we live and work towards moving when lease expires. She agrees. Hour later says, ‘I took the job’ we move in May! I was very upset as she didn’t consider me at all. I own a business where we live and never even been to where she wants us to move. Minnesota.

-Same day gaslights me over cosmetic Dr appt that she had second thoughts of going to. Said ‘I’m goin to gym’ dressed up like she was headed to gym but I confront her saying I’ll meet you there. Then she starts yelling at me on phone saying’you made me do this. I can’t back out of appt I paid for.’ I was upset over the lying and gaslighting.

-March she puts in notice on our lease for herself and discusses maybe I move later, she gets us set up in MN. She quickly learns landlord is holding her to lease and she is responsible to pay of I don’t move in a suitable tenant. Landlord likes me and is not pressuring me to just choose anyone to move in. To take my time and if I don’t she still must pay her half. Again this infuriates her and the landlord is being unreasonable(in her mind).

-Her mother texts me that I’m more than welcome to live with them in MN(rental house they own)

-I take trip to visit family for ten days in which she barely responds to calls or texts and if she does I’m hung up on. No I love you or I miss you and when I express these feelings to her no response. When I return home I express that this upset me , the lack of communication between us (considering we are entering in to possible long distance relationship) of course I’m made to feel that it’s ridiculous to have expected her to be in better communication. Says instead that I have anger issues.(gaslighting)

-I return home and she demands to see my phone as to prove I didn’t cheat on her on my trip. Also references past breakup when she pieces together what she thought were clues of infidelity but I proved that not to be case. I was almost drained via PayPal scam but got it reversed. She thought I was soliciting prostitutes. (Smh)

-She is also convinced baby has problems and is pushing for Drs to rush tests but they test and don’t seem to express urgency or concern there are problems.

-She overhears me discussing her disorder with a friend. Says I betrayed her and stonewalls me for days.

-she has researched late stage abortion as she in convinced child has genetic abnormalities though she continues to take vitamins and tend to healthy no pregnancy.

-invited me to go antique shopping them in public says ‘you are acting weird hovering over me (I walked close to her as if we are a couple) She sorta passed a glance at a guy walking into building. I think to make me jealous?

-I inform her I’m trying to find housemate but landlord hasn’t approved anyone I sent forth and again said’i holding her responsible for her lease agreement’

-she has been texting another guy a lot lately.

-She stays away from me, silent treatment, only nice when she wants something. I say ‘no more of this abuse’ it seems like the whirlwind of move/new job/pregnancy…all increasing anxieties. I tell her when she calms down I’m willing to discuss this issue of the rental but her responses are: you are angry (tells her mom I’m ‘angry’ over lack of communication on my trip.) eventually I decided to avoid fight and exit tense situation and stayed with friend last night. She texted about an hour after I left ‘I’m willing to talk’ called but I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. Came back home today and she is working. Left phone here so pointless to respond.

I feel like the relationship just will never be healthy. Don’t know if I’m to move, accept job offers in MN .Have to hold on to lease as to help her get security deposit etc back. I’m doing this for her as well as me. She doesn’t respond when I mention the job offers. Says she thinks maybe she should just move alone but then recants saying ‘I just want to make sure baby is healthy’

All my family, friends, T’s all say get out, will never get better.
Today i feel broken-hearted.

Did I do the right thing in leaving to avoid conflict last night? I’m feeling a bit scrambled. I do want it to work but will it ever really? Is it a safe idea to move ? What about the possible child? I tell her I’m upset as it seems like she just keeps pushing to find an excuse to abort the child.

She moves at the end of the week. All set to go.

Any and all thoughts , advice are all welcome please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Firsttimefather]

I forgot to say: it turned out she took the job in January immediately following the interview but didn’t tell me that until March.

[Cat Familiar]

What you are experiencing is a preview of what you will experience in the future.

You were hopeful that things would be different when you returned to the relationship. What do you think now?

[Firsttimefather]

Not very hopeful

[Turkish]

Ftf,

Is it a safe idea to move?

This means you, yes?

There's a lot in play here, and it is Uber stressful to say the least.

What's your primary goal here? My T told me years ago that my ex was an independent entity, free to make her own choices, no matter how foolish I (or he) thought they were. I think he was telling me, "control only that which you can."

If it were me, my primary goal would be preservation of my child, even given her moving away with a lot of added complications. What do you think?

[Firsttimefather]

First off the unexpected happened. For the first time ever my partner came home and said ‘we need to resolve this. My trust issues have made a mess of us and we need to limit stress on each other’ I couldn’t f’n believe it(sorry to curse but I’m that taken aback) she opened up about feelings she is struggling with regarding the pregnancy : body image, depression. This is a real first ever in our relationship. She apologized for not communicating with me on my trip and said she simply just was not feeling well.
 I want to preserve the child. In all truth I am not opposed to moving as much as opposed to the manner in which it all went down, the decision etc.
 I know the road is hard that lay ahead if we continue but she says she is committed to us coparenting/raising the child. I take it day by day of course
 I don’t wish to see the child aborted. We have been down that road and it was awful on both of us. I wish I could find better resources as to how to handle a pregnant Bpd partner’s ups and downs. I need to do a better job of keeping my cool through the swings. That’s my thoughts thus far: I would love to see it work, to see us work together.

[Turkish]

This is a positive development. Keep in mind that BPD is ultimately an issue with emotional dysregulation, so she'll be all over the place. How have you looked into the resources in the lessons pinned to the top of the board?

I know you're in emotional crisis yourself, and I would be as well. But not answering and leaving your phone isn't helpful (though I'd likely react similarly... and I did...).

PwBPD feel that their feelings don't matter, but the underlying emotion is that they don't matter. Validation is key, and I'll be the first to admit that it's hard to validate when you yourself aren't validated, or accused.

[Firsttimefather]

I will look over the lessons as you suggest. I have in the past but thanks for the suggestion.
 The ignorance to the phone etc. I agree as well. Honestly I felt horrible about it but in the end I think it helped to give my gf space. I don’t know if the outcome would have been the same had I responded right away. I believe we established some new boundaries tonite: no more dredging up the past, no more accusations of cheating. We are repositioned for focus on the now and what’s to come.
 The issue of validation and yes I am /was in emotional distress. So much could’ve have been different had she just communicated while I was visiting family. Can’t change that now but what a difference it would have made.
  I do my best to validate her feelings but reciprocity would be nice all the time but not often the case. Being accused is horrible always especially when you are being held accountable for ‘bugs on the wall’ that aren’t really there. I pray for better days. Today was a huge step towards promise. I’m feeling more hopeful and a bit scared to death as I approach being a dad.

[Turkish]

I do my best to validate her feelings but reciprocity would be nice all the time but not often the case. Being accused is horrible always especially when you are being held accountable for ‘bugs on the wall’ that aren’t really there. I pray for better days. Today was a huge step towards promise. I’m feeling more hopeful and a bit scared to death as I approach being a dad.

I'm 8 years out. Today on mommy time I was invited to breakfast for D10's birthday. It wasn't 5 minutes until I was accused of not feeding the kids healthy (despite D10 having a stomach virus which was confirmed by her doctor, yet it was my fault). I was angry and wanted to leave...

Yet that was about her emotions and (diagnosed) anxiety. The rest of breakfast went well. D10 wanted to come home with me.

I hope at the very least that you get there, with your child  

Keep your eyes on the prize. It might end up joint custody, but to me, that's a win.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for what you just said to me Turk..Thinking of that, of joint custody and being there ‘for the child’…shift in perspective I needed. Any suggestions of literature for coparenting with pwBPD ?

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for what you just said to me Turk..Thinking of that, of joint custody and being there ‘for the child’…shift in perspective I needed. Any suggestions of literature for coparenting with pwBPD ?

Hello my friend FTF...check out these tools: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67574.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90775.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74287.0

I supported you to do whatever you felt best and what you had to do. What did you learn with this experience? What are your hopes moving forward?

Just remember we have your back here as part of the FAM.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[kells76]

Plus a few book reviews:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216244.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226013.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59950.0

[Firsttimefather]

Hello SC,
 I am reviewing the articles and links you sent. I appreciate your support greatly. What I have learned thus far is that dysregulation is episodic and that I must be mindful of triggers. I must remain assertive however and establish strong boundaries. It is sometimes met with resistance but eventually we get there. I must tend to me and my needs, end the selflessness. I don’t have high expectations for total reciprocity of emotional maturity. Her family is offering great support toward us and that is probably the best advent as of late. I am hopeful that we can be great parents and aware that if this child arrives I need to be there for them as mom has a lot of stuff to deal with. I don’t have high expectations for the relationship though I’m not without faith. A lot of prayers these days.
 I am not going to lie. I am not going to just be swept up by yesterdays apologies and think ‘ok now we are finally on track’ but I see the ripple of the conversation with the mother in law and the effect it has had on things. My partner is also doing a better job of lessening the stonewalling and finding better coping skills during dysregulation.
 My greatest concern right now is for myself. I have seen how being poised in constant fight or flight makes for poor decisions in myself. I rarely drink alcohol but found myself wanting to escape to the local bar when I had a chance to be away and had a few mini binges throughout the course of this relationship. I need to work on that. Again I realize now it’s a result of being constantly on the edge of fight or flight but nonetheless needs addressing. Our conversation last night was better than any previous one we have had though I am still processing all of it. I hope for better between us and our future.

[15years]

Hi!

Correct me if I'm wrong and sorry for assuming things, but I'm feeling a bit inventive today so I will try to give you another perspective!


Reading this thread, I get the feeling that you are still in the middle of the emotional roller coaster and you are struggling to step out, but you're actively trying. You have at least realized it's a roller coaster.

I get the sense that you yourself are an emotional person, and that may be one thing worth considering when making plans for the future. I'm an emotional person too but I'm also known to be calm, which I have now started to use to my benefit. How would your friends/family/coworkers/business associates describe you?

I'm visualizing a vessel spinning in space, and you're the astronaut trying to control it. If this vessel is your mind, can you envision a future where it's stable, a few months from now, maybe around the time of the birth of your child?

My point being, much of the turmoil and confusion we're experiencing is inside our own minds. But strategies help us keep our minds stable. What if you'd starting viewing yourself and your partner as two different vessels moving in space, would that help?

[Firsttimefather]

15y,
 Wow! I had been actually thinking about this very thing: that the turmoil is mine. I want off the rollercoaster but I want happiness and longevity with my partner. She and I have been communicating wonderfully in the last couple days and I am envisioning a future when calm may be attainable. I’m also feeling the need for my next T appt which was rescheduled on me last minute.
 I am going to think of this analogy: the space ship…
 I’m usually rather calm as well. I just was so triggered when the events unfolded as they did. It was hard to have faith in whether or not my partner loved me and wanted the same as I when the out of state job was accepted  and I wasn’t informed. The weeks that I spent sitting on the fence, not knowing if we were staying or leaving was very hard on me (her as well though she had answers I didn’t have).
  I actually can see a future for us all. Everyday it becomes more clear however I do think a little space and time between us is not a bad thing.
 Again I thank you for what you wrote and I am going to ponder it more. Thanks again and be well