set a big boundary - now what?

[FirstSteps]

I'm facing a good problem - which is how to deal with some success    Though I'm still at a loss.

On Sunday, after a couple of very up and down days, we were up again.  Though it felt like a more stable "up" than before, which has been the pattern.  But my wife just started in on me on a totally new/old topic from years ago - how I don't support her finding her way in the US (she is not from here) and am underreacting to her struggles. 

I rather clumsily said I didn't want to talk like this around the children.  I did not use the words we'd agreed on, though I was very soft-spoken and polite.  She insisted I drive her home and then insisted I let her out of the car on a busy road.  I just stayed parked, and she eventually called me and had me pick her up and we returned to where the kids were (they are older so that was not an issue). 

After we got home, she texted me that she didn't want to sleep in same bedroom "until we agree on what is required to be in a true marriage together".

I finally had it - as I have been bouncing back and forth between the bedroom and my office for a year.  I wrote back using the Yale communication method and agreed and said I would not be moving back into the bedroom for a week - even if we reconciled.  I also said I only wanted to address one issue at a time on our daily morning walk.

She then withdrew completely.  This is unlike her.  She is civil but refused to walk at all.  And is acting like we're separated for good.  She even encouraged me to stay away tonight - taking over a hotel reservation she had made for herself. 

This is all good.  But I have no idea what to do on Sunday when the week is over.  And I'm faced with a wave of my own anxiety moment by moment - I feel compelled to reach out, check in.  I don't trust her to reconcile normally if I stay quiet for the whole week.  But I really need the quiet.

I didn't really mean to make such a huge statement or move.  And it feels catastrophic.  As I'm writing, I'm realizing I need to just breathe through this but any other advice welcome!

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[Rev]

Hey First.

What a great question and moment of self awareness!

I was never really able to hold my ground because if I did, my then wife would double down and some times become physically violent.  However, in there, there were moments of success. AND ... as I think back, that "success" was not predicated on her changing so much as it was on me staying calm once the boundary was put down. I changed and she chose to adapt, at least for the time that things were stable between us.

So, my expression is that you've got to now let your body catch up to your mind. In your mind, you know you've done the right thing, right? But your body, well it has the memory of an elephant. It hasn't caught up yet.  But give it time, it will. It's a little bit like fighting through cravings for late night pizza.  (My kryptonite!) It's a lot like it actually.

In the meantime, you can occupy your mind with strategies to remain calm.

Does this make sense at this point?

If it does, do you have a follow up question - OR - would like me to offer additional insights?

Hang in there.

Rev

[FirstSteps]

Rev - thanks so much for the response.  You've hit it exactly about my body not catching up with my mind.  I actually had therapy today and started in on this.  What am I going to do on Saturday or Sunday? 

"Isn't it ok if you don't know?"

Wow, what a concept!   She also thinks I've been "programmed" as if I've been in a cult.  It's not easy to take - seeing my life like that.

I also have little faith this will hold.  My relationship so far has been more like yours - my wife continues to double down and nothing is ever accepted without hours and hours of dwelling that takes away from the boundary I set in the first place (she has never been physically violent though).

But I won't know if I don't keep calm, as you say.  So I'm working hard on maintaining calm and being ready to keep it even in the face of the inevitable outburst.  I can't do it her way anymore, which is big for me. 

[15years]

Has it worked to stay calm? Do you have a plan for tomorrow?

You're trying new ways to deal with the relationship, it's not easy. If you feel that you fail, you will have learned something for the future at the very least.

Like notwendy suggested in my thread - next time, do more of what works and less of what didn't work.

[FirstSteps]

It did work fantastically to stay calm.  At some point, we talked and I wrote her how I had experienced the week.  That was borderline JADE-ing but she asked and I answered in as BIFF a way as possible.  That did the trick and we were good again.  Which is a miracle ending.  I even did some fuzzy math and moved back downstairs a day early (which probably was not smart in the long run).

My week "away", however, really highlighted to me how I don't want to be part of this family system anymore.  On Saturday, I was feeling good, and I got some things done on my own. So I spent more time with her than I had planned.  And it was fine.  Then on Sunday, I was in for Mother's Day, and by the end of the day, I felt like my head was melting.

She's calm but still BPD.  We ended up in this very long conversation about how I don't want to talk anymore.  This totally undermines my strategy to just make changes.  She's not screaming about my changes and then ignoring them.  She is asking me "why" over and over again.  It's worse that it's not confrontational.  

I think she might actually be getting ready to break up - sensing that I'm not in 100% for real anymore.  I'm still in a place where I'd like to make that decision on my own and not under pressure.  

And today, she was fine at least towards me.  

So a mixed bag, I guess ...  But I agree that I should just keep doing what's working - which is to stay calm yet honest.  I feel like I need to regear back into doing my own thing after this weekend, and that feels like starting from scratch.

[15years]

by the end of the day, I felt like my head was melting.

Almost every sunday for me nowadays, it doesn't matter if she's calm or raging. I have tried to think to myself that when I feel like that I don't need to know anything, what I want for the future and so on.

It really is hard when they're not confrontational. It's different. The confrontational moments are hard too.

[FirstSteps]

Today she is more normal than in years.  And actively told me she actually doesn't want to talk about our "fights".  Let's just live!  Which, you know, is what I've been saying and which has been causing massive crises.

But, again, I'm telling myself over and over that this will not hold.  That I need to keep my new sense of self intact.

[15years]

If her reasoning is like my wife's, she hold you AT LEAST 50 % responsible for starting fights. So when she says "let's just live!" what you hear is that she has realized she has to stop overreacting, but what she is actually saying is that you need to stop fighting her, in other words you need to stop having your own sense of self. This is what I have noticed at least.

She is talking from a friendly but disordered perspective; "why don't you and I stop fighting, we're the same so why can't we just live?". She is exhausted from fighting and the wish to get along is real, but the means to achieve it is you being exactly like her. You're not her so you will fail even if you try very hard.

[Notwendy]

The two of you have been in a familiar pattern using the relationship tools you both have. You have made a change. This is new to her and probably surprised her. But she hasn't learned a new response yet. People behave according to the "tools" they have. If she's a bit uneasy- the "nice" behavior has worked for her. (the push-pull pattern).

It's important to not do this as a form of manipulation to keep her nice. It needs to be more of a genuine change in you, learning better relationship skills and boundaries. This way, it's not a push pull pattern between the two of you ( which is still dysfunctional ).

If this is a genuine change for you, you will hold steady. It's important to also keep in mind that her behavior will be to get you back into the familiar pattern- not necessarily with bad intent, but that it's familiar and familiar is more comfortable.

Eventually, if "being good" doesn't work to achieve this, she will try another tool. When none of them work to get you back into the pattern, she may then adjust ( or not) to the new pattern.

This is the hope, and the risk, of changing your behaviors. You know the results of doing the same thing you have always done. For any change to happen, it has to start with you. Change may not feel comfortable - it's not familiar. Some of it might be trial and error, but the progress is your own personal change- better boundaries.

[FirstSteps]

15 years - that is spot on.  She has fallen into the same pattern we had for many years before things went truly south.  So that's good but it definitely involves us being the same and me hovering around on call.  I'm trying not to do it but it's hard.  I'm also realizing that I don't like the negativity and insular life whatsoever.  But I also don't know what I want most of the time, so I just do the hovering out of habit.  I really have to go deeper, obviously, than setting these crucial but more obvious boundaries.

I also hate the equalizing.  I am definitely responsible for at least half the conflicts in her eyes, and that's the whole narrative with the kids.  It's infuriating, though my kids are old enough that they come to me independently now and then to tell me it's not true.  That is probably a terrible long-term dynamic in our house - and I am working harder than ever to be their parent above all else and actively support them - but it does boost my self-esteem in the moment.

Notwendy - that's a really helpful way to look at it with the push/pull and the tools she is using and has at her disposal.  It's also a good corrective that I can't just go back to, say, a 2017 baseline and think the work is done or things are OK.  Because they aren't for me.