F.O.G

[lm1109]

My husband shared with me last night that he had an extremely vivid dream of my Dad crying and apologizing for everything. My husband was freaked out...he doesn't often even remember dreams let alone have emotional and extremely vivid dreams like that. My first thought was...is my Dad alive? As hard as I've been trying these last six months I don't know that I will ever be able to shake the fear that I will inevitably receive the worst case scenario phone call. I don't know if this is real or my PTSD. After my brothers suicide(at 20 years old) my Mom repeatedly told me that if I wasn't around for her she would kill herself. She knew that would keep me around and pull me back in after having "escaped" them at 17. It worked..I jumped back into emotionally caretaking my sick Mom for years and years all while also taking care of babies with no family support of my own. Years ago when I told my Mom that she needed to get a therapist and set the boundary of her not talking to me about my Dad anymore, she threatened suicide...twice. I begged my Dad to stop enabling her and help me get her the help she needed and he refused. In the last interactions I had with them everything was denied and they AGAIN told me they need NO help. They are in hell...my Dad is beyond beat down from the abuse and she is beyond out of control. When I was a child they fought SO chaotically I feared that one of them would kill the other, I can't imagine how bad it is now. If something happened to them..no one would even know...they've pushed everyone out of their lives. They have no one.

I felt the guilt and obligation creeping in last night as I struggled with flashes of my fears coming true. Intellectually I know I have no control over what happens...but I just feel so afraid and stuck sometimes. I can't shake my fears that my Mom will take her own life as her last ditch effort to ruin me. I can't shake the fear that my alcoholic Dad will eventually break. It's all just so sick.

As I spiralled and debated wether or not I should contact them to make sure they were ok and resume Mothering them to try to prevent these sick outcomes...I thought of my Father in Law. He died in 2020 after battling cancer for years. He was the most amazing man. In the end...I saw SO much of myself in him. He had an abusive childhood, he was a caretaker of his sick alcoholic father, he became a Dad very young and did his best to be there for his three children, once his kids were adult age he began caretaking his  mother who had a stroke, once she passed he moved in with his father to be his full time care taker. I don't mean to demonize my Husbands Pap...but he was an abuser, he was an addict, and he had untreated war PTSD. I watched him abuse my father AND mother in law for years. My mother in law was often in tears and threatening to leave but my father in law was in such f.o.g that he felt he HAD to continue caretaking even while being abused. My husbands Pap lived to be 90 years old...he had also been a gambling addict and left his debts behind. My father in law literally and figuratively paid the price for his Dad his whole life. The year after Pap died my father in law was diagnosed with cancer. He suffered tremendously and died at 62...he NEVER got to live for himself. Again, I'm not demonizing my husbands Pap...he was sick. But I feel like I owe it to my Father in Law to take the lesson. Which to me is: There is NO badge of honor for sacrificing yourself for sick people.

I did the right thing by going NC and yet I still feel like I'm being sucked dry at times. I sacrificed my childhood and early adult years. I only received "love" when I was caretaking my mom. I only received "love" or validation from my Dad when I agreed to coparent his sick wife. As an adult I stuffed all of the abuse. I allowed my Mom the victim spotlight after my brothers suicide all while shoving down the fact that she was treating him horribly before his death..she created problems within his marriage, told him he was a horrible father, denied all of his childhood abuse, and then told him that her and my dad were never speaking to him again. Since THEY weren't speaking to him...I am the one who received the phone call about his suicide, I spoke to the police, I had to drive to their house and tell them and comfort them as the adult.

I guess what I'm feeling is resentment of my grief right now. Resentment that they can still affect me and hurt me. Resentment of the pain I feel. Resentment of whatever horrible future is in store for them and resentment of all of the work and energy it takes to detach and find a semblance of acceptance for it all. There is no "winning" scenario for me here...just...this. I'm exhausted from carrying all of this pain and I just wish I could erase the memory of them. I'm hoping I will feel better after Mothers Day is done and over with...which is also sad...because I'm a mother and I've dedicated my life to being a good mother and yet I can't find celebration for myself. Somehow it's still hers...she owns it...and she will be the ultimate victim when I continue NC that day.

I guess this is mainly just a venting rant. How is everyone else feeling about Mothers Day? Has anyone else experienced the day while NC? How do you handle the F.O.G when it hits? Thanks for reading

[Riv3rW0lf]

lm1109,

My heart goes out to you, reading this. What you went through with your brother is beyond word. I am so, so very sorry you had to deal with it all, the call, the police, while caretaking for your parents. It must have been really hard to have time to check in with yourself and to process your own grief. And I remember you mentioning often how your brother tried to protect you while you were growing up... Again, my heart is with you.

For you, thinking of your mother must also be calling back to your mind the memory of your brother, of how she abused him and the end result. Resentment is completely understandable and I think you are right when you say there is no badge of honor in caretaking abusers.

PwBPD commonly see themselves as victims, and won't acknowledge how abusive they were to us, their children. It is very hard for them to take responsibility for their past choices, for their mistakes. And when someone truly believe they are the victim, they act as such, making it very hard to the rest of us to stick to our own story... plus, we were trained to only see their needs, their stories... but they are only victim of themselves. We are not being abusive by chosing our own sanity, our own health, over their selfiness and abusive behaviours.

I have been no contact with BPD mother a few weeks now too. I realized a couple days back that I really haven't spoken with her since November. There has been some texts here and there (asking for a break, always), so she has no idea what I am doing, nor do I her... So really, I've been no contact too, I realize, going on six months now.

I've been thinking about mother's Day too this week. I was thinking of breaking the silence for mother's Day... But to finally confront her with my memories... To let her know that I remember what she let happened to me, how I now know she never cared and how I have no interest in having a relationship with her, seeing how she never took the time to say she was sorry, or to acknowledge the damage it did. How I am sick and tired of her blaming me for not being the daughter she would have wished for and that I have no interest in being her daughter, especially now that I remember how she threw me heartlessly to the wolf, and then forgot about it, acting like nothing happened.

The thing is: now that my father confirmed it, now that I remember images of what happened, the pain it caused... Well, when I think of her, it triggers the trauma. They are intertwined and I see no way forward in my relationship with her, in part because she won't take responsibility. How can I ever forgive someone who won't recognize what happened and take responsibility for it?

My father cried and told me that if he could, he would do it all differently. He acknowledged my story, and as hard as it must have been for him, he validated it and showed remorse. I blamed him a very long time without knowing why and now I know it was for abandoning me there... But his remorse, his willingness to be good to me today made it possible for me to truly forgive him. This does not seem like a possibility with my mother, who at best might say it never happened... Or she didn't know (which just isn't possible).

So I am wondering if it is even worth it. Or if I should just "forget mother's Day" this year, and just not reach out. Just because... She is not my mother. Just as your mother is not your mother either.

They are women who were there while we were growing up in a brutal word (brutal in part because of them). Women that fed us, kept us alive and did the bare minimum to meet any other needs we had. This is not what being a mother is. They are not mothers.

YOU are a mother. Mother day is for YOU. And for me, and for all the women who actually try their best to protect and love their children as they grow up. The women who wake up at night, who will forget their own needs when necessary to meet their baby and toddlers needs. The women who truly care and will work on themselves, as hard as it is, to make sure they don't hurt their children unconsciously. The women who will die, put themselves in front of the harm, before letting any monster close to their children.

You are a mother. She was not. And to this day : she still isn"t.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Wanted to add teenager and adult children needs too, but could not edit anymore. ;)

[WalkbyFaith]

Im1109, I'm sorry you are struggling with so much F.O.G. and confusing thoughts right now. I'm only recently NC so I'm afraid I can't give much advice but I sympathize with all the mixed-up feelings.

I'm a mother and I've dedicated my life to being a good mother and yet I can't find celebration for myself. Somehow it's still hers...she owns it...and she will be the ultimate victim when I continue NC that day.

Yes, this resonates.  Growing up, my mom usually made Mothers Day miserable with her unreasonable expectations. Since I've been an adult and moved away (about 9 years ago), I've stopped sending her gifts for Mothers Day and just send a card. She rarely/never acknowledges that I sent a card and I'm sure she's offended by it because she's a HUGE gifts person. Even living far away, Mothers Day has still been stressful because of knowing she's probably mad about not getting a gift from me, plus the pressure to write something for her on Facebook because she expects that too. This year, since recently going NC, I won't be sending anything, posting anything, or reaching out to her in any way. Honestly, I feel so relieved to not have to deal with it at all this year, but I know I'll have to fight the FOG thoughts about how she might be reacting.

And yes, I still feel like you said -- "she owns this day." I have a toddler now, but it's hard to think of this day as anything for myself. It's always just felt like a day of stress and PTSD. Someday maybe it will be redeemed and I will feel like celebrating being a mom myself...

[lm1109]

Thank You Riverwolf and Walkbyfaith for your responses...I really appreciate your kind words

YOU are a mother. Mother day is for YOU. And for me, and for all the women who actually try their best to protect and love their children as they grow up. The women who wake up at night, who will forget their own needs when necessary to meet their baby and toddlers needs. The women who truly care and will work on themselves, as hard as it is, to make sure they don't hurt their children unconsciously. The women who will die, put themselves in front of the harm, before letting any monster close to their children.

You are a mother. She was not. And to this day : she still isn"t.

This really hit me today...and it helped! You sound like an amazing, strong, and resilient Mother/woman...I hope you celebrate your strength today

And yes, I still feel like you said -- "she owns this day." I have a toddler now, but it's hard to think of this day as anything for myself. It's always just felt like a day of stress and PTSD. Someday maybe it will be redeemed and I will feel like celebrating being a mom myself...

Unfortunately a day of stress and PTSD resonates with me as well. I hope you find some comfort today in knowing that you are breaking a cycle and also deserve to be celebrated for that 

Happy Mother's Day to you amazing Moms
 

[Riv3rW0lf]

This really hit me today...and it helped! You sound like an amazing, strong, and resilient Mother/woman...I hope you celebrate your strength today

Haha ! I wish ! I've been dealing with my own kind of FOG today, flight the whole day cleaning the house like a tornado and a snapping at my husband.

Lots is going on in my head, going through a bit of chaos. But it's ok. It has to get worst before it gets better.

[Mommydoc]

Im1109,
Happy Mothers Day. I am sad that your memories of your parents are dampening your ability to celebrate yourself as a mother.  I can’t even the pain you experienced with your brothers suicide and guilt and burdens both  your mother And father placed on you. You are choosing the right path but it isn’t easy. Unfortunately, many times holidays remind us of what may be missing in our lives or re-open painful wounds. Please don’t give this day to your mother and give it back to yourself, as you deserve it.

I'm exhausted from carrying all of this pain and I just wish I could erase the memory of them.

The pain can’t be erased but your post was a very important step in surfacing it, so you can work through it. I highly recommend Kristen Neff’s books on self compassion. Her work helped me understand that my efforts to ignore/erase/suppress the pain was in some ways increasing its burden. I also found “Emotional Blackmail”  by Susan Forward very helpful in exploring ways to escape FOG.

Hugs and love

[lm1109]

Mommydoc, Thank you so much for the kind words and also for the book recommendations. Somehow I haven't read either one of those, so I will absolutely check them out!

The pain can’t be erased but your post was a very important step in surfacing it, so you can work through it.

I agree! Writing in my journal everyday and posting here has been the best way for me to surface and work through things. It's funny because as a child I used to LOVE to write and did it constantly. When I stopped writing is when my eating disorder took a stronghold and I began to struggle. I think because I was never allowed to speak my truth...writing was my authentic voice. It's been a life saver to reconnect with it.

Lots is going on in my head, going through a bit of chaos. But it's ok. It has to get worst before it gets better.

I hear you. I ended up struggling a lot more than I anticipated last night. But in that struggle I had a few breakthroughs. A psychologist I listen to on YouTube once said to stop striving for forgiveness and instead strive for acceptance, and so I keep reminding myself that each breakdown/breakthrough is getting me closer to my goal of acceptance. It is coming to me as I continue to strip away all of the painful layers of my situation and confront the chaos in my mind. Anyways this is one of my favorite quotes that I cling to from a favorite author and I thought of it this morning...so I thought I'd share.

"I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming."
-Glennon Doyle

[Riv3rW0lf]

"I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming."
-Glennon Doyle

Thank you for sharing this.

Sometimes, we need someone else to put words onto what we know to be true, without knowing or realizing it. And this is one of those times.

[Mommydoc]

That’s a great Glennon quote, and a wonderful reminder that we can use our pain positively. Thank you for sharing.