advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've recently figured out that my husband has BPD.  For years I blamed his anger on many other things and made excuses (to myself and to our kids).  I haven't discussed this with my husband yet.  He has already said that therapy is a waste of time, and I know he will not react kindly to me diagnosing him with a mental disorder.  In my heart, I know our marriage is over.  I'm struggling with how to tell him.  I know it will be bad and he will react with anger.  We are supposed to go on a family vacation in mid June and I was trying to wait until after, but it feels dishonest.  It's making me feel physically ill and I know I can't wait until then.  Should I try to rent a house before hand?  Again, this feels underhanded and dishonest.  I feel devastated that it has come to this.  I just want a peaceful home.   

[B2]

I've recently figured out that my husband has BPD.  For years I blamed his anger on many other things and made excuses (to myself and to our kids).  I haven't discussed this with my husband yet.  He has already said that therapy is a waste of time, and I know he will not react kindly to me diagnosing him with a mental disorder.  In my heart, I know our marriage is over.  I'm struggling with how to tell him.  I know it will be bad and he will react with anger.  We are supposed to go on a family vacation in mid June and I was trying to wait until after, but it feels dishonest.  It's making me feel physically ill and I know I can't wait until then.  Should I try to rent a house before hand?  Again, this feels underhanded and dishonest.  I feel devastated that it has come to this.  I just want a peaceful home.   

[once removed]

Hi B2,

I think that before we dispense advice, it would be helpful to know more about what has led up to now, and the decision(s) you're facing. There's a lot at stake.

What's going on with the two of you recently? What led you to figuring out he has BPD?

What are your heart and mind telling you to do (it's okay if that's two or more things!)?

[B2]

What led me to think he has BPD?  I was looking for a self help book and stumbled across "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Reading it was a huge eye opener for me and honestly a lot of it was really hard to read.  So many things that I was making excuses for that all fell into place.  I've been unhappy for a long time, but have been holding on in the hopes that it would get better and that I would have the caring and loving husband all the time.  He's said a lot of cruel things to me and I'm not sure I can get past it.  Or that I should. 

I have a month before our family vacation is scheduled.  I think I'm going to try to hold on and not do anything drastic until after.  My worry is at some point I'll loose my temper and it will all come spilling out.