help me

[arsha]

hi there
 i'm 45 yrs physician married 4 yrs having 3 yrs girl, i think my wife has some BPD since we had minor arguments from beginig turns in majors one and finally the worst which she started to insult, throwing out objects, badmouth and even beating and slapping me and all of them in front of the our little girl , eventhough i try to calmdown her and not backfire at all.
now we are in peace  , but i dont know how to remind her what damn she did during those dark days in our relationship  to me and our girl. even though it seems she is regreted somhow but never ever mention it at all. i'm sure i'm the one who trigger all her emotional episodes in all our arguments,but the last arguments was the out of control and she was not herself anymore and for the first time i got scared like a hell, yes we are in peace right now, but just like walk on eggshells, albeit she is ok to go for any consult.but how and when is ok to set it

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PhoenixKnight]

Hiya mate. I know the feelings you describe well. Always watching and waiting for the next episode.

Try to forgive but not forget the abuse in the past. Holding onto that and waiting for an apology which will never come will never get you peace.

Have you read any of the prominent books about BPD? ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ and ‘stop walking on eggshells’ are really insightful. From my own experience they open your eyes to the behaviours and help you recognise what is happening. They give you tools for the episodes (such as deescalating fights and setting boundaries) but being honest, if your partner is untreated and unwilling to get help/change you are only really sticking a plaster on it. I tried the techniques for about a year, but unless the other party acknowledges the behaviour and works to improve it just makes you feel… tired. Like you are trying to put out a barn fire with only one hose.

Most of my ex’s episodes came when she felt I was invalidating her. Realistically I was just disagreeing with her. I heard her point of view and tried to validate it but unless I took her viewpoint we usually ended up in a scenario where I was a bad partner.

There isn’t really a quick fix, just try not to react emotionally (easier said than done in some situations) and at least acknowledge her opinion.