BPD fiance blocked me

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

 :help:My fiance broke up with me and blocked me on facebook two weeks after my dad passed away. His last message to me was "I see you changed your profile picture on facebook but can't message me. I'm done with your games." I did not realize that changing a profile picture was considered to be playing games with someone. I hadn't received a message from him either. As far as I know, the phone works both ways. He had asked me for help prior to that and I said I can't help him. Reason I couldn't help him is because the day prior he was very disrespectful towards me, and I do not feel the need to extend my hand forward after being mistreated. I believe he may have felt rejected or something of that sort to cause him to do what he did. Although he has blocked me, he's still doing things like changing his relationship status to public, now that it says single. Recently he had changed it to private when we were in a relationship in attempt to get a reaction out of me because he was mad about something. So even though he has me blocked, he still does things to upset me. I'm thinking it's because he knows my friend will check for me. I truly want to understand what someone with BPD would be thinking after a situation like this. What would cause them to do something so senseless? Especially two weeks after my father passed. When his mother passed away, I had someone from Ukraine draw him and his mother together (since they've never had a photo together) and sent it to him. I was by his side every step of the way. From when she was sick in the hospital and after she passed. I never made anything about me, I was deeply focused on his grief. I understand things they do aren't malicious. I understand that some things shouldn't be taken personally. This is why I'm here to better understand. Did he fear that someone may see my profile picture and steal me away from him? Did he feel rejected when I denied helping him? Did that feeling of rejection cause him to back off to protect himself? Did he sense that maybe that rejection is another way of me saying I'm going to abandon him soon? Fear of abandonment issues?

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[PhoenixKnight]

Hiya, probably all of the above from what you’ve said.

How long have you been together? When were you due to be married? Has he ever broken up with you whilst triggered previously?

How do you feel about the relationship? Do you still want it, or do you accept it’s better to be over? My best advice would be to not get updates from your friend, not contact him for a while, and do things for yourself. The loss of a parent is one of the hardest times of your life. Don’t let his childish actions take your focus from your own healing and processing that. You deserve so much more. How anyone can behave like that 2 weeks after such a loss is actually disturbing. See it for what it is.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he contacts you within the month if you keep your dignity. I’m going through a devaluation/discard phase now which I really didn’t deserve either. I keep reminding myself that I am worthy whenever I feel so disposable.

Buy yourself something nice, book a day out you’ll enjoy, get a massage, or go out with a close friend. Look after yourself and don’t overly ruminate on why he has acted the way he has. You’ll never make sense of it and even if you do you’ll just end up making excuses for him when really, he doesn’t deserve it.

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

We have been together for 2 years. Got engaged last year but we haven't set a date to get married yet.

Yes, he has broken up with me when triggered. The last time he broke up with me, he didn't contact me for a month, didn't block me either. The only reason we got back together is because I contacted him first. I'm trying my best not to do that this time.

The first few times he's broken up with me, it lasted between a day to 3 days. He ended up reaching out to me first those times because he feared I was actually gone and even told me "you didn't even give in. I thought you'd give in." The month break up was the longest time we've been broken up. It seems like since taking him back the first few times, he probably extended the break ups thinking I wouldn't go anywhere. That's just my assumption.

I don't want to reach out because I'm afraid that is the reason. I don't want to look cheap or desperate. That if he wants me, he knows where to find me. Also, it is very disturbing that he did do this two weeks post my dad passing away. It is also shocking to me because I needed him the time we were broken up a month because my dad was real sick. He agreed to be supportive as a friend but ended up wanting me back as his fiance.

What you said about keeping my dignity really has me thinking. I do need to keep my dignity. I do need to know my worth and show him that I know my worth by not reaching out, not begging, not chasing, nothing. I did nothing wrong, and I need to act like I did nothing wrong. Not chase him and act like I've done something wrong. He needs to fix this if he wants this.

[PhoenixKnight]

You’ve definitely done nothing wrong. I’m telling myself I don’t need to degrade myself for someone to love me. I am enough.

From my previous relationship, my partner would break up with me whenever she felt ‘unloved’. We would argue, usually over something small, then she would respond with ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and leave. She’s done it 7 (yup, 7!) times in 18 months. Not one of them did I deserve. Each time (minus the last) she came back. Usually between 3-14 days. Each time I accepted the break and left her alone.

Last summer we had 2 months apart, she ended it but came back a week later. I didn’t take her back. That’s when I learned about BPD. I spent the time reading up on how I may of contributed to her fears and felt guilty. I went back hoping to work on it but she’d flipped the script into it being my fault because I ‘abandoned her’ for two months. Somehow I ended up begging and pleading for another go. She was the victim and I was cruel, and I let her live that rhetoric because I missed her. Our last 9 months have reverted back into the old routine, despite me having the ‘tools’ to manage it better.

The point of me saying that is each of the breakups she said the same thing, I never ‘fought’ for her. The most recent break up she said the same thing. When she broke up with me last she just said ‘so you agree with it then? I knew you never loved me’. I told her I did, but couldn’t keep living in fear of another breakup. I actually don’t think I’ll hear from her again as we are both so tired. It’s humiliating being in such a toxic relationship. I’ve had two secure and steady 6 year relationships prior to this.

I’m not going to lie, I’m gutted it’s over. But I deserve to feel safe too. I’m also holding the word ‘dignity’ in my head. If she comes back, I have a decision to make. If she doesn’t, it was never meant to be. I’m leaving it to fate, and I’m at peace with that. Like you, I did nothing but give, so I’m not going to push for something to clean up someone else’s mess. I love her, but I love myself too. In 12 months time, I want to be able to look back and think that I gave the relationship my all, I didn’t undervalue myself in the aftermath, and whatever outcome occurs was the one which should have been.

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

That is so sad to hear yet I understand that no one deserves to live in fear like that. It's just so crazy to me how this illness is all based on fear yet they instill fear in us somehow. It seems like the on again off again is very common in these relationships.

I always felt like when being with someone with BPD, you should reach out to them to reassure them that their thoughts are false. That we do in fact love them and care for them. I'm just not sure if that's an accurate way of approaching the situation or if like you said, living our lives and taking care of ourselves, and if they don't come back then they don't.

What makes you think that she won't come back this time around? Are there indications that prove that? I'd like to believe that mine will, he broke up with me this last Sunday. I'm actually surprised he hasn't unblocked me by now but maybe I'm in denial about him not coming back.

I can't say I've really had a healthy stable relationship in the past. I've gone through pretty traumatic relationships. Not only romantic relationships but friendships as well. It's always because of the types of men I choose. It never fails, every single one has weird similarities. I understand this has to do with my low self esteem and poor self image. That is something I'll have to work on whether he comes back or before I get into another relationship. Hey, at least I'm self aware and don't live in denial about that .

[PhoenixKnight]

Whenever she left in the past I calmly told her she was wrong in what she thought (I didn’t love her), but I accepted that her feelings and emotions were hers. I figured she had to make her own decisions otherwise she may view it as me forcing her. I was never angry or upset (not entirely true, one time earlier on I was really hurt at the quick 180 and played the victim myself saying she was treating me poorly… it didn’t go well), but I was always gutted.

I think I’ve always been slightly guarded as I didn’t want her to think that breaking up with me when splitting or painting me black was appropriate. By begging and pleading she would think my value wasn’t there and she could pick me up and drop me anytime. You could argue that by constantly taking her back I’ve done that anyway.

This time I agreed with the break up. Completely. I was tired, I was exhausted, and I was beaten. I knew it wasn’t fair or proportionate, as I spent the last 6 months taking her hospital, sleeping on her couch (she couldn’t sleep with me in the bed), and supporting her with therapy/police reports regarding past traumas. She told me deserves better. I knew I physically couldn’t give any more, so I can accept if I’m not enough. She told me she still cared about me, and was proud that I was recently promoted at work. We ended amicably, which is the best ending we could have if we aren’t meant to be together. In the long run it is likely for the best, but it still hurts. I still love her. But 7 break ups take their toll and I feel like I’ve lost who I was. I’ve lost my self worth.

If you want him to come back I don’t see a problem with showing him that you care and are not angry as-and-when he reaches out. BPD partners are often ashamed of their actions once the dust has settled. I think they need to reach these conclusions on their own though. I’m confident he will reach out to you, just be warm but aware that he has hurt you. I would also say walk with caution because from what you have said he hasn’t been great. Without help it will likely happen again in the future.

It’s only been a few days. Don’t worry yourself too much today, tomorrow, or the next. Feelings don’t just disappear over the course of a few weeks. If they do, you are better finding someone who doesn’t forget so quickly. BPD partners dance between feeling abandoned and feeling engulfed, sometimes time apart is good for you. I’ve read that male partners in particular respond to a time in no contact, women, less so. Use the time to build yourself up, but honestly, a week is nothing. Just get through each day.

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

So in other words, you believe he may come back if I just focus more on my life and let him miss me?

[PhoenixKnight]

I would give yourself some reprieve from worry. As long as you have treated him well (which it sounds as though you have), he will know that. He left the relationship for a reason which made sense to him. Likely feeling overwhelmed or undervalued (which was likely just his perception, no fault with you. People who suffer from BPD are constantly looking for real or /perceived/ signs of rejection). It is not uncommon for him (or any other partner, healthy or not) to initially feel relief, but that soon gives way to feelings of loss. From a male perspective, I can tell you 100% every man, dumper or dumpee, feels something unpleasant when your former lover shows strength (even if they won’t admit it). It raises attraction.

I’d give it a week, maybe two, maybe more, just to give you both a chance to breathe. You were his fiancé, he won’t just forget about you. But you need to use that time to seriously ask yourself if he is meeting your needs too. Make a list of all your good qualities, nice things you did in the relationship. If you feel up for it, list out things that made you unhappy. It may be that you realise you deserve better. I am all for second chances (look at my recent record!), but without both people doing some work and reflection, the outcome will be unlikely to change.

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

Thanks so much! That helps a lot. Especially looking at it from a male's perspective instead of my own. He would always tell me "but didn't you go back to your abusive ex?" I asked him if that's the reason he treats me the way he does because he thinks I'll stand for it. I said let me make one thing clear to you, it didn't stop me to walk away from a 7 year relationship like it was nothing, I will walk away from ours too if you disrespect me or even try to pull the same moves as he did thinking it'll get you somewhere with me. So it does seem like he tests me a lot.

You're right, though. I will definitely give myself that chance to improve and acknowledge my own worth. Maybe it'll happen before/if he comes back, and I'll feel confident enough to know that I'll be just fine without him in life. I just know if he does come back before I come to that realization, I may end up taking him back. I have a lot to learn about myself. I know the right answer, I know the right steps, I know where those steps will take me. I'll follow them one day. My siblings and my father passed. All I have is my mom left. I know the day I lose my mom, I'm going to want someone who can love me as healthy as possible, take care of my mind and soul. I fear for the day I'll be alone in this world with no family, and someone next to me that just mistreats me. I don't want to be miserable. I want to enjoy life, explore the world, and reach my goals as peacefully as possible.

[PhoenixKnight]

Read that last paragraph whenever you feel low over the next few days. It’s brilliant. You know what you deserve, now you just need to believe it. I can tell from talking to you that you are worth that. Self-aware, caring, understanding, empathic. Expect the same in return. Ditching you and adding to your pain like a spoilt child in your time of need isn’t that.

Re the first paragraph, you said all the rights things, if you get the strength, back it up with action (easier said than done, I know).

But if you do want to take him back, do that. No one should tell you not to. All my friends and family banged their heads against the wall every time I went back. They can’t believe it’s the same person who did so well in previous relationships. But the heart wants what it wants and they don’t understand how these trauma-bond relationships work!

You got this.

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

What you said means a lot. Trauma bonding is so real! I really appreciate you talking to me. You've helped me understand a lot. Not too many people are as patient and understanding as you are. I can't tell you how many times I've been blamed for going back or for loving this person. Even by people in our situation. I hope that you find someone who is deserving of you and treats you better than your ex did. I know there's something better in store for us. We'll get there.   

[PhoenixKnight]

No problem! It’s easier sitting on the outside of things, so I know what you’re going through. Over the next few weeks you’ll ebb from anxiety, to numbness, to strength. Feel it all  and accept that it’s normal. It’s part of the healing process. Above all, just remember to take it one day at a time!

Good luck and keep your chin up 

[BPDAdviceNeeded]

Thanks again! Good luck to you as well!