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« on: May 15, 2022, 03:45:37 PM »

I guess this is my first post... Way to go! (click to insert in post)

I have been slowly going crazy over the last two years.  Before the pandemic, life was ok but survivable.  I was able to get out of the house and socialize with people and just get out.  Then the pandemic came and i was moved to remote working.  When this happened, i lost the connection to others that I needed but didn't realize it but it was actually acting kind of like a buffer with what was actually going on in my house. 

I felt like i had been going crazy.  I did a bunch of counseling trying to figure out why i was anxious.  I was up in the morning dry heaving many mornings, thinking it was anxiety over the coming workday. i worked with my therapist and my PCP and tried several different antidepressants as well as several different sleep aids to help me with the anxiety.  Finally i ended up on prozac back in January or February and started some EMDR, which gave me a lot of relief from the anxiety.  The problem was that i still had times of the day that I was more anxious than normal, then i started to notice a pattern...  I noticed that I started feeling a little better after my wife left for school.  Then on the flip side, i would start feeling some anxiety when it was getting time to pick her up from school (she isn't currently driving).  I figured out that work wasn't causing the anxiety, it was my wife...

Through my therapy and some couples therapy and much investigation, i feel that my wife could very well be BPD,  and I am codependent on her...  I have lived like this for 16 years and am finally waking up to see what is truly happening in my life.  I am not crazy, i am in a extremely dysfunctional relationship where I am finally seeing the light.  I look forward to learning more and posting more to this group! Peace

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Jabiru
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2022, 04:53:47 PM »

Good to hear. I hope your realization helps you find useful information. What are some signs you think your wife has BPD?
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alterK
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« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2022, 05:09:27 PM »

Hi Here and welcome! Yes, tell us about some of the specific things that are happening between you and your W.
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2022, 09:25:45 AM »

Thanks for reading my first post!

It has slowly been coming to light over the past few month.  My wife is obsessed with me and can’t be with me enough.    She is so afraid of me leaving her she will do anything to keep me, even say, you would be better off without me.  She did a great job of isolating me from friends and family prior to the pandemic, so it is just me at home.  I wasn’t doing enough for myself as all I was doing or cared about was keeping her happy.  She would get so mopey and depressed if I felt like I needed to do something around the house. I wasn’t taking care of myself…

Because I was not taking care of myself, I became suicidal (I am in therapy and my therapist is aware), had pills in my hand ready to end it.  Looking at the pills in my hand I gave myself a choice, to live and fight what ever was going on or give up.  Thank god I chose to live and learn more about what is going on, especially for my childrens' sake.  I also told myself that I will never go back to that low point again.  I feel that this was the low point, it will be hard from here to go on, but I will not go back.

Now that I have been enlightened as to our predicament, I have started to push back to take care of my needs.  I can tell you she has a large number of the criteria to fit the bill to be diagnosed as BPD.   She is so afraid that I am going to leave her.  She needs to be touching me while we sleep, she follows me around the house and won’t let me be.  I have tried pushing back at this but it only brings tears and cries of “why don’t you want to be with me?”.  This past weekend I was a hero, then a villain, then a hero, and now this morning I am a villain again, all for speaking up for something that I want.  I am tired of the alternating ideation of me.  She has a very low sense of self worth, even though she talks so highly of herself and is consistently putting others down worried they are better than she is.  Recently, since the stirring of my awakening, she has been talking suicide, a lot.  She had been looking up on the internet ways to kill herself, she was distraught when telling me this, I even called 911 to have her evaluated and they didn’t do anything…   I got to a point that day where I had to get away and I did (I didn’t have an inkling of BPD at this point) so and left my wife at home with her 3 kids and went to my stepson’s house for the night.   I thought that having the kids around would satisfy her, but all she wanted was me.  She was so upset while I was gone, she described different ways she could kill herself to my 15 year old  (now 16 year old) daughter.  Needless to say it was traumatic for her, my stepson took her to live at his house for the week while we worked on our “Marriage Problems”.  My daughter is at home now, but my wife will still pick at her about abandoning her as well.

My wife is still mentions suicide as a passing comment, especially when she is upset.  She talks about how empty she feels and that nothing will fill that void except for me.  That being with me is the only thing keeping her alive…

Her emotions can also turn on a dime.  After a night of sobbing  about emptiness, and now being exhausted she seemed like she had pulled things together and was ready for work.  Then,  I was told that I had to take her to my daughter’s dance rehearsals (she is not currently driving). She said it would be a good way to get out of the house and see other people (something I am trying to do to better myself), which is true.   BUT, I am really trying to take care of myself.  These rehearsals are in 2 weeks and I am not sure where I will be mentally because how chaotic our lives are.  I told her that I will need to see how I am doing at that point in time so I can’t make any promises (my daughter can take her if I don’t).  After saying this, she immediately started crying and saying that I “can’t even commit to being with her in 2 weeks and why don’t I just divorce her now and leave her to rot.”  I can’t speak my mind without this type of blow up, constantly walking on those eggshells everyone here talks about so much.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel it was very therapeutic.  I feel that my wife has BPD, she is not diagnosed, but there are signs there.  It is only going to get worse as I keep asserting my independence…   
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Jabiru
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2022, 11:22:42 AM »

Thanks for sharing. You're right about the feeling of walking on eggshells.

Feel free to read others' experiences here. And check out the Tools link at the top of the page. As you work on defining and asserting your boundaries, there will likely be pushback. It will get better in time. My favorite book was Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Let us know if you have any questions. Keep in touch.
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alterK
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« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2022, 12:08:38 PM »

You are in a complicated situation. It is by no means hopeless, but there's no magic button you can push that will solve everything. The "classic" almost everyone reads is "Stop Walking on Eggshells." However, there are other books in the Tools section at the top of the website that are equally helpful.

The basic principle is that the only person whose behavior you can directly change is you. You can learn ways to communicate with a difficult person that are less likely to set off a bad reaction, as well as things to avoid doing. An important step to learn is how to start setting boundaries. This will make a big difference for you in the sanity department.

You need to be patient with yourself, and don't feel like a failure if you don't succeed right away, or do everything perfectly. We all screw up, especially in the learning stages, and we all make mistakes in judgment. I have all my BPD literature on a Kindle that my W never uses, so she doesn't even know what I've been reading. Would probably be furious if she did. If your experience is like many others here, you will get tremendous relief learning that your problems are shared by other people, and that there are definite things you can do to understand them, and make things better.
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« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2022, 12:12:29 PM »

Thank you both for the replies and encouragement.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I will for sure check out other books in the tools section.  I have a Kindle as well that I am reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” on and am in the same boat alterK, i worry about my W’s reaction if she knew I was reading a book on mental health disorders.  I will probably keep all my BPD literature on my Kindle as well. 

I understand that it is my behavior that needs to change and I understand that she will not. I also think that I am still grieving the implications of what is truly happening and what is being discovered; I have some denial and doubt.  My marriage has been, I am not sure if “a lie” is the correct word, but it wasn’t a true marriage because we are so dysfunctional and I feel grief around it and that it will need to change (for the better). Way to go! (click to insert in post)

Boundaries are my downfall, I don’t have very many and I get anxious when trying to set them due to reactions I have had in the past with boundaries.  My therapist tells me to set them and not worry about her reaction.  No matter what I say or do, she tends to get upset with me. Since I know she will most likely be upset, I should just speak and deal with the fallout in a calm way.  I understand that the irrationality and fear she has are part of the disorder and I will not take the things she says to heart.   I need to take care of myself and set the boundaries so that I can have the mindset to properly address what is happening here at home. 

Thanks for the kind words, I am definitely in the learning stages and I have definitely screwed up a lot (already), even since learning about this disorder my W may have.   Patience with myself and self-esteem are hard to come by at the moment.  I do feel as though I am starting to stand up for myself, but it is causing waves in the house as I have never done this before, it has always been her way or else...    This  forum and some of the things I have read are helping my self esteem, now I need to work on my patience, making sure to learn the tools offered here.  I have been struggling for a long time with the issues in this house.  I am relieved to know that there are others out there dealing with the same struggles as I am; so grateful for this community. 

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« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2022, 12:25:27 PM »

Having been married to two BPD husbands, I’m well aware of how codependency and lack of self esteem allowed me to condone behavior that I now no longer tolerate.

Thankfully my current husband is a truly kind man, unlike the first. However, he still has BPD. The upside to me in learning about it has been strengthening my boundaries, recovering from codependency, and improving my self esteem.

I’ve realized that the only one I have control of is myself and I’m not here to manage anyone else’s behavior. Related to this is that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s happiness or lack thereof.

It’s a big change for me, as I was brought up by a BPD mother who inculcated the belief that I was responsible for her happiness. When I finally broke free as a young adult, I felt guilty for “hurting” her, not intentionally, it was just the individuation process of becoming my own person, apart from the carbon copy she hoped I’d be.

Undoubtedly there are parts to your marriage that aren’t based upon a *lie* and which you can strengthen by becoming more true to yourself and not predicating your behavior on trying to please your wife.
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« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2022, 07:20:38 AM »

Sadness and anger, at your partner and yourself, are very common. I think everyone who has replied to your posts would agree you deserve a lot of credit for the effort you are putting into healing.

It takes patience and we all have  a lot to learn. Sort of like, you don't start college expecting to get a degree a week later. To set boundaries you first have to figure out how to do it in the kindest way possible, and then take one baby step at a time.

Don't expect your W to agree. But it's similar to what we often have to do with young kids. When we tell them to change some behavior they often protest, but in the end they accept it and it makes life with them more harmonious.
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« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2022, 02:52:54 PM »

Thanks for the replies (again) now for more issues,

I didn’t have a chance to reply to the last posts as I have been hit by more family revelations.  I have found that I really don’t know how to set boundaries, or if I do, I don’t enforce them enough. 

Something happened at our house between my wife, stepson and daughter on Saturday.  Whatever happened set my 15 year old daughter off, she no longer wants to stay here and will not talk to me or W.  I was in complete shock that she decided to leave, I thought she and I were connecting (or at least starting to talk) and it hurt more than anything.       She has gone to live with her 29 year old brother for a time.  He is telling us that she is messed up and cannot be around us at the moment (which is fair if she isn’t comfortable).   I had been scouring my brain to see what I missed and feel I have figured out the newest problem with our family, enmeshment.  So I am dealing with a W with BPD (most likely), a codependent relationship, and enmeshment with my family (on top of the depression and anxiety that I am already struggling with). We probably messed up all of our kids and only am just now realizing it.  I wish I knew what happened to set my daughter off, but I am not even going to text her to give her space.  I am so sad and hurt and angry with myself for not seeing things sooner.   I am still learning about this, but I thought I had everything that could hit me revealed, wonder what will hit me next.  My Daughter is in counseling and the W and I will be meeting with her therapist this week.  The therapist is aware of what is happening at home and i hope to gain a bit more clarity about her newest issue.

Now that my daughter is gone, it is just BPDw and me living here.  W has been crying a lot as I don’t really want speak with her or interact with her.  Her crying really sets me off because I don’t want her to be sad (codependency?).  I am just not sure how to proceed.  Do I forgive the W for now and let it go so that I can feel comfortable and get my mentality back straight?  Would this mean giving in to the BPD and codependent behaviors?  I know that I need to take care of myself, but I am not sure what I need.  Right now I am just so hurt and torn, I don’t know what to do. I thought I had been on the right track learning about things.  I just need to have patience and need to be in the state of mind to learn.  Right now I am too scattered and paralyzed to do anything, just so tired….

Then the W feels like she knows that I know what is really wrong; her BPD, the source of it all (I hope).  She is bugging me to tell her what is bothering me so much about her.  I know what it is and I know I can’t say anything, but it is so hard to not tell.  How do I go about getting her to discover her issues?  I told her about the enmeshment as that most likely involves both of us, in hopes of heading off any more questioning for tonight.  Why do I put up with feeling like this, feeling trapped in my house waiting for her to come home? Why can't I just go and stay for a time at my brother’s or daughter’s to get away from her?  Why can’t I cut the cord?  I am just so tired of everything…

Sorry to vent, i just keep getting knocked down and am starting to wonder if i will be able to get back up if/when i get knocked down again.  Thanks for listening.
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alterK
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« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2022, 06:54:49 AM »

Boat, to get your head on straighter you need some decent counseling. You say you have a therapist. Keep working with them! Everyone here has their own issues, or we wouldn't have gotten ourselves involved with these difficult partners in the first place.

Situation with your daughter sounds really painful. I'd suggest you just make sure she knows you love her and are available if she needs you, and then give her space. Hopefully she will be safe staying with her brother.

It's possible that with your daughter temporarily out of the picture, you will be able to see more clearly some of what's going on between you and your W, and within yourself. Keep reminding yourself of the mantra: You can't make another person change their behavior. You can only change your own.
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« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2022, 07:26:40 AM »

Thanks alterK,

It has been a week since my last post. 

I think the breaking point was reached and i finally realized that i needed to work on my codependent tendencies before anything else.  I am on the road and am reading Codependent-No More, it has been really enlightening so far. 

My daughter is still away, but she is also with her half brother who is not well, he has been manic the past few days and having meds changed. He is very upset with me for something, I think it was for paying $600 a month rent to live in our house (he is 27 years old and doesn't really have the life skills to move out). I worry about what he is saying to her, but I know i can't control what he is saying.  I can control what i say to my daughter and let her know how i feel.  I told her last week that i would not really contact her and would give her space.  I have honored this, except i text her everyday to let her know that i love her.  She has not been really responsive, but at least she knows. 

I do feel that having my D and StepSon away has been a real help as i feel that he is a major player in the conflict in this house.  Seeing the bigger picture for sure, it is becoming really clear.  Working on myself with the codependency, attempting to set some boundaries with my W.   I feel my W is more of the discouraged type of BPD.  She gets extremely mopey and cries when i try to assert myself.  Now that i have an idea about what is going on i am not letting her affect me as deeply. 

I am on the road.  It will be a long road, but i will find a life out there somewhere.  I keep repeating the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, Change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I can't control anyone else's happiness, i can only control how i feel. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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alterK
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« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2022, 03:11:13 PM »

Sounds like you have been trying to play chess with four people around the board, all of them trying to move the pieces around at the same time. No wonder you've had a hard time sorting things out.

Che Guevara wrote years ago that a guerilla army should only fight battles they are sure they can win. When it comes to setting boundaries, try to make it as easy for your wife as possible. Pick something you think you have a good chance of getting her to accept (but that's important to you) and then stick with that. It will probably take a while for her to adjust, and for you too.

Expect stumbles, but persist, if at all possible, without arguments. When I got completely exasperated with my wife's hissy fits, I told her, "If you start yelling at me and getting insulting, I won't argue. I'll just not do whatever it is that you want. Whatever it is, if you are yelling at me, even if what you want is reasonable, I won't do it. I can't control what you do, but I can control what I do, and I am letting you know now what I'll do. "

That worked better than I thought it would. Her tantrums have decreased by 90%, and for quite a while now when she starts working herself up I just walk away, and she is calm soon afterward.
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« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2022, 08:03:36 AM »

That is a good analogy playing chess, I think that is what i have been playing for quite some time now.  It is very tiring and i am finally trying to detach myself from worrying about others.  I think i am finally to that point with my daughter, she will come home eventually.

Thanks for the tips on the "hissy fits" (that is exactly what they are).   I have been trying to get out of the isolation that i have been in.  My W and I have had some discussions (when she is calm) about getting me out of the house and seeing people without her (i.e. my adult children, my brother, my aging parents).  I have recently told her what i need.  She says that she will be ok with anything I want to do as long as it isn't spur of the moment, i need to give her notice (a day or two).   I honored her request and the first time I tried, it didn't go well.  My brother asked if i could go to have dinner with him and my parents, just the 4 of us.  I told the W about this the day before and even suggested some things that she could do while i was out.  I could tell that she wasn't happy at the get go, but she didn't react with anger, it was the silent  "I am hurt reaction".  That was what i lived with until the next morning, she blew up at me for abandoning her "again".  She cried that she "would never do that to me", and that she is still considering suicide and that she has whittled it down to just a couple of methods (she keeps bringing up the research she has been doing).  So i have the guilt of the suicide talk, the guilt of the sadness that she is feeling that i am abandoning her.  I finally just said i don't want to talk about it anymore and left her alone.  She called a friend who cares and went away for the day.  When she came back, she was still mad but was ok with me going (finally). 

I think i learned something this day, similar to what you are saying alter, I left her alone and let her stew in her own juices.  She figured things out, I am sure that her friends and family think that i am absolutely evil for what i am doing as they are hearing her distorted reality (I am being so mean and hurtful for leaving her alone). I needed to do this for me, I should be able to do things without her, and it felt really good.  It will be interesting to see how she responds the next time i "ask" to get away.  If she responds poorly, i will just walk away again and let her stew. 

Regarding the suicide talk, it comes up pretty much every time I try to assert myself.  It bothers me of course, but i can't let it paralyze me.  My therapist says that it is troublesome for sure, but i can't let this stop me from healing myself.  I need to have faith that she won't do it and just do my thing.  I did this the other day and she called a friend, maybe there is hope?
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« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2022, 11:44:01 AM »

A couple of things jump out at me when reading your post.

*You are ruminating about what her friends and family *think* about you, regarding “leaving her alone.”

You really have no idea what they think, but it’s likely you’re correct that she has reported this “abuse” to them. They may think she’s really wack for reacting that way, though perhaps they are supportive of her out of kindness and loyalty. What I’m saying is YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW…

And that gets to the next point—why do you care what they think? It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to get together with family and friends separately when you are married, especially when your partner does not mix well with them.

*Secondly, she is pulling out *the big guns* with her suicide threats. Usually pwBPD save those shenanigans for larger issues, rather than merely a dinner party. I suspect she has been using that tactic for years to manipulate you. She did cope with your absence and it gave her an opportunity to use self soothing skills, though in the end she did avail herself of a friendly shoulder to cry/pout on.

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« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2022, 01:39:41 PM »

Thank you Cat for pointing out the ruminating and manipulation, I felt that I was rambling for my last post (and this one will probably ramble as well). You also asked an excellent question “why do I care what they (her family) thinks?”.  I have delayed responding to this post as what was said completely true, I was ruminating (big time) and need to not care what others think about the situation we are in.  I am codependent and I need to take care of me before anything else. I have taken some time to work on my codependence, and would like to get share some of the happenings at our home. 

I have been heavily codependent (for years) on my uBPDw and have recently started working on the codependency.  I have learned a lot about me over the last week and a half.

A little history about us.  My uBPDw fell in December 2020 and hit her head on our front sidewalk.  She got a concussion and has been suffering from post-concussion syndrome since then (18 months on the 18th); very hesitant to walk by herself, can’t lift much weight, and is affected by noises, lights and new places.  She was showing characteristics of BPD before she fell, the fall may have contributed to making the BPD “worse” and I wonder if the disorder may actually be hampering her recovery.  She is working with a new group of specialists, I want to let them know about the BPD possibility and ask if it may be what is affecting or causing her delay in recovery.  After visiting one of the new specialists, a vision specialist, she stated that she couldn’t find any deficits (she was normal) based on testing so she doesn’t have anything she can do at this time to treat her.  Since she was "normal", my W has been diagnosed with a “functional gait disorder”, meaning that she has normal function with her vision and vestibular systems, but they are not sure why she is so hesitant to walk or stand on her own (they are basically saying it is in her head but not in those exact terms).  Regarding her previous therapy, she will get good at the exercises, but if she doesn’t keep doing them, she loses the progress she makes (practice is not transferring over to real life).  Long story short, my W has a lot of anxiety when it comes to doing things on her own, including just walking out of the house, not to mention walking down the street.  She doesn’t do well with loud noises and bright lights as well.  She needs to hold on to someone while walking or she will just freeze and not take a step, this is the functional gait disorder.  She is a little black and white when saying that I never do anything with her.  This (and the pandemic) are reasons we haven’t gotten out of the house to do things.  I also work at home and she is a teacher and is off for the summer, so I am exposed to her 24/7, and she doesn’t want me going anywhere on my own, let alone work on codependency.

I have been better about setting some boundaries around getting out of the house by myself to work on me. I have talked to my W about my codependency and of my need to make changes.  One of my biggest issues is that I get really anxious about the reaction that she will have when I say I want to go somewhere (without her).  Getting out of the house could be to go on a hike alone, go have coffee to contemplate my life, or to go hangout with one of my adult children or my brother.   During one of our “calm talks”, I told her what I needed in getting out and away from the house, I don’t know who I am.  She said she would be ok with me doing things on my own as long as I give her a few days notice.  I still get anxious about talking to her about my needs, but have started doing it as I need to make changes to me.  I am still working on the guilt I feel when I actually leave and do something for myself.  Once I am out of the house I am fine, but anxiety starts ramping a bit when I am heading home.  I feel I am worried about what I will be coming home to, will it be a nice wife, a sad wife, or an angry wife.  So far it has mostly been a nice wife (but there is a catch).

Recently we (she actually) decided to brave the world have started going out for dinner in restaurants and have gone for a picnic together.  I have also planned a get away for the last week of June for a “family” vacation (just my W, daughter and me).  I feel that she is ready to start getting out and “brave” the post-pandemic world.  When I say “getting out”, we need to take into consideration her limitations when deciding what we should do.  Restaurants and picnics are good.  Next we are going to try a movie, not sure how that will go with the loud noises and big moving pictures, but we will see. 
 
As part of my codependency work, I have really tried to reconnect with my family – parents, brother, and adult children from my first marriage.  I feel this has been going really well, both of my daughters (I have twins that are 29 years old) have been really supportive of me since my journey of self-discovery really kicked into gear a couple of months ago.  I am getting offers from them left and right to get out of the house, but it is always anxiety that wins the day and I haven’t done anything with them (yet) as I have been too anxious to say what I need in fear of the reaction.  I will say that the book I am reading has given me a ton of great information that I am already putting into use.  Detachment will be a key for me, I have discovered I am a reactionary, and have found that I live in the Karpman drama triangle - rescue,  persecute, and victim.  I do feel that I have started to make changes for me to be healthy and the W doesn’t like it.
That brings me to what I am truly wanting to post about, our latest escalation.  This coming weekend, my twins asked me to go with them to a hockey watch party for our hockey team that is in the Stanley Cup Finals. This would not be a good place for my W – too many people, hot sun, loud noises, etc.  I also really want to go and spend time with my twins and have a good time just the three of us.  I had been ruminating/worrying over telling my W about the party as I wasn’t sure how things were going to go.  She has said in the past that as long as I give her notice that she would be ok with me going out on my own, without her.  This didn’t work the last time, but it is what she has asked for so i was going to give it another try.  The party is on Saturday evening, I needed to tell her to give her a couple days’ notice that I would be going.  I told her in a calm way, saying that my twins were going to the watch party and they had asked if I could go as well.  I said I would like to go. 

She immediately clammed up with what she had been saying, and went quiet (Uh Oh).  She said quietly to me “I just don’t understand why you don’t want to do anything with me”.  She went to our bedroom, I let her go to stew in her juices as I am no longer responsible for how she is feeling.  She started texting me “I’m sorry you can’t stand be with me”, “do you want a divorce?” (guilt).  I didn’t see her texts as I was doing my own thing (pondering the BPD and how I can keep living like this), so then I get “its killing me that you are ignoring me” (guilt) and “I guess I have my answer” (guilt).  It is really interesting to look at what she said.  I used to be affected by the things she would say, this time I was trying to stay detached and it didn’t affect me (as much).  I did end up going to talk to her, to settle things down.  I am really working on not using JADE in discussions, I am improving, but still have a lot of work to do.

As part of our “discussion” she brought up her instability and suicide again.  Asked how I “can do this to her, leave her alone and abandoned” (more guilt).  She asked if I wanted to leave her, I told her “I love you, I need to make changes to myself, I don’t want to leave you (at this time), and I hope we will still be together at the end of this journey we are on.” (honesty)  I felt that this was a good non-JADE response, now it is the “hope” that she is fixated on.  Is this too vague a statement?  She now feels that there is no hope for us because of her black and white thinking.  I tell her that I am trying to fix me so that I am a better person and that I don’t really like who I am and need to change.  This brings up another thing she doesn’t like, she doesn’t want me to change, but the codependency was going to kill me as I was neglecting myself.  To change myself, I have been leaving home each day for a hike or to just get out of the house.  I wasn't getting any complaints from my W, I thought she was truly being supportive and thought maybe the BPD was in my head.  It turns out she was just holding things in each time I left and wasn’t saying what she thought.  She is actually very upset that I have been leaving everyday (to tell you the truth I am not surprised), but it is something I need to do to discover who I am.

One of the things that struck me last night was that she said, “in the past you would come and comfort me when I am upset.” She kept harping on it and harping on how we should just be “us” in our marriage, there isn’t a need to be individual people and that is the way we have always done things and survived.  I told her that things aren’t good here, and the way we used to do things will no longer work, we need to know ourselves to be a stronger couple.  She was upset and crying and kept telling me to come make her feel better (she feels better when there is physical contact between us), I told her that it is not my responsibility to make her feel better and left her alone.  In the end, she came to me, to make herself feel better.  I wanted to ask if this was an appropriate response on my part.  I don't want to be a caretaker/rescuer and want to stay out of the Karpman Drama Cycle.  This morning we have things “worked out”, she is being pleasant, I am going to the party.

 I am engaged in battle on many fronts in my home and am trying to create some sanity.  I am being hit by the guilt/anxiety of my codependency, I am being hit by my W with guilt, anger, and sadness, I am being hit by my 16-year-old daughter’s anxiety, she is home but is fragile and my W and I need to not have discussions that she can hear (knowing this actually helps me with keeping my reactivity down).  I have chosen a path and will stick to it.  I am taking care of myself first and foremost to make sure that I am healthy, whether my W will let me make the changes I need and if we will be together at the end of this journey remains to be seen.
 
Sorry for another long rambling post.  There is a lot going on in my life and I am trying to reign it all in to the best of my ability. I am making some progress and am still learning.  Thank you for reading.
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