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Author Topic: Am I a BPD magnet?  (Read 900 times)
3birds

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« on: May 16, 2022, 04:16:09 PM »

What is it about me that seems to attract females with BPD? Is it some characteristic or flaw in me that they find irresistible? Do I seek out BPD in potential mates?

So I first found this forum about a year and a half ago, when my then wife and I were at our lowest point. We had been fighting and arguing constantly and she finally became physically violent during one such argument, punching me as hard as she could in the face.

I began reading posts and seeking advice. I tried to put that advice into practice, walking away when she became disregulated and nothing calm was working. She hated this. She couldn't handle it. It got so bad one night that I got a hotel room. It was 1:30AM and I couldn't take being in the same apartment with her. She was being as abusive as she could, and I was tired of taking walks around the block. I decided I needed to sleep somewhere else. She couldn't handle this is made her... extremely upset. But I stuck to my guns because i wasn't gm going to sit there and be abused. I was tired and needed to remove myself from that environment. Walks around the block she could handle to some extent, but getting a hotel room was on another level for her and she was extremely upset about it. So much so that she decided the next night she was going to get a hotel room of her own and sleep with her drug dealer. Yeah. I found that out 6 months later after a therapy session. I left that day and never looked back.

So I swore off ever being in a relationship again with someone with BPD. Fast forward to a year later and I met someone who makes me happier than I've ever been. She's caring and warm and smart and sexy and I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth for her. She's everything I could have dreamed of and more... and she has BPD.

These two women could not be more opposite. I'm sharing this story because my current girl is so worth learning about BPD and how to deal with it for. After my marriage failed I thought every woman with BPD would be similar to my ex-wife - abusive, impulsive, extremely emotional, belittling, condescending, paranoid, untrusting, and so many more awful characteristics. But that is so far from the truth. My new girl is so caring, considerate, empathetic, loving.

They both have BPD but that's where the similarities end. I've only seen my new girl disregulated a handful of times, and I have the tools to diffuse it now. There was no diffusing my ex wife. She claimed that it was me that brought out her BPD and that before me she was cured of it. Riiiight.

So my advice is this: don't make a BPD box and put all those with BPD in it. If you're in an abusive relationship, get out. It's not getting better I don't care how much therapy you do or how many tricks you learn. But if your partner with BPD is caring and loving and worth your time and effort, learn everything you can about their condition and how you can help. You will get results and both your lives can improve greatly.

If the only positive thing that came out of my first relationship was learning all about BPD then it was worth all of the abuse, because I have that knowledge and those tools now for the love of my life. People are not their illness or disease or condition.

I'm curious if anyone else has been with more than one person with BPD and what their experiences have been like.
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« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2022, 10:46:06 PM »

Thanks for writing this. It is an interesting topic.

I think that all three of my relationships have been with bpd partners. It is only in the past month that the penny dropped for me, that the first one was likely borderline. To be frank, she even looked like she was made in the same factory as my current nightmare. They look very similar… kind of like how different iPhones over the years look the same. And they have those same childlike qualities about them. They were both broken scared little things that I just wanted to care for and save! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

The one in the middle is the mother of my two boys, now adults. She approached me. She was never my type. It sounds terrible, but I just was not attracted to her. She love bombed me beyond belief when I was recovering from the first loss. I gave her my phone number and she moved in immediately. Within three weeks I knew it was a mistake but I never ended it. I did not want to hurt her feelings. Thus fourteen years went by and at least 12 of them were absolute misery. Paranoia, drugs, death and destruction. And then I was booted onto the street with my then 12 year old son.

I met my most recent partner in 2008. I was completely swept away by her beauty. We became friends. Didn’t have sex for the first two years. It has been a difficult relationship. Lots of on and off times. Suicide attempts every six months, I’d say. But out of the three relationships, for some reason (which I am still trying to work out), this was the closest I have been to anyone. I am currently completely in mourning over the disappearance of her over 5 weeks ago.

Now because I have only had three relationships, and I suspect all three were with bpd, perhaps that is what I am attracted to? You know, I read about how it gets better; how there are less crazy women out there, even sane ones. But I don’t find that attractive deep down. I am actually FULLY expecting that if I ever get involved with somebody else, it will be with a borderline.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

I am glad to hear your different perspective. I guess it is easy to clump them all together as the same. Hopefully I’ll come across a less destructive partner at some point. It sounds like you have found a good balance. I wish you well!
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2022, 03:26:35 AM »

So before I provide a more thorough response I have to ask...was your ex wife diagnosed BPD? Is your current partner diagnosed BPD? This is very important and we have to be careful here because of the negative stigma that is attached to the disorder.

In the meantime...I am happy you have found the FAM here and please continue to post and we will provide you with as much support as we can to get you steered in the right direction.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
grumpydonut
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2022, 09:04:46 PM »

Excerpt
Is it some characteristic or flaw in me that they find irresistible?

Flaw? Maybe. Characteristic? Yes.

I lean heavily towards the "nurture" side of the development debate. My opinion is that people almost always attract BPDs due to learned behaviours. Some of us attract them through the narcissistic (strong, over confident, fake) mask we wear and assumed ability to "save" the borderline, while others attract them through their willingness to put the needs of others above their own - again, saviour role.

What's the difference between us and people who escape borderlines before getting attached? Most of us explained away their red flags, or interpreted them as "oh, this must mean she / he really really likes me". Mine turned up to my front door uninvited after I didn't text her back after 11pm. We'd been seeing each other for two weeks. Why didn't I notice the insanity of that? I did! But my appraisal of that behaviour was rooted in my desire to be loved, not in reality.

Excerpt
Do I seek out BPD in potential mates?

Subconsciously, yes, very likely. My hypothesis is that the majority of people attracted to BPDs have been emotionally neglected in their youth, and played a servant role to their parent's needs and wants. We didn't feel heard. As such we are searching for a "soul mate" to fill the void left through not feeling loved unconditionally.

Enter the borderline...their idealisation feels like unconditional love that makes us feel like we have value, and then slowly the borderline transforms us into a servant to their never-ending emotional needs - the role we played in childhood, and which made us feel useful to our parents. We put up with the constant abuse - trying even harder to please our partner - because we are desperately trying to bring back that feeling of unconditional love.

Meanwhile, there is something in our psyche that internalises our partner's bad behaviour. We were used to believing that our parents actions towards us were because we are bad or flawed. Therefore, we readily accept that our partner's actions are also our fault. If we try harder, maybe we can make things work! Maybe our existence can be validated. WE. ARE. GOOD. Sadly, the borderline leaves us even more broken, and even more sure that we are unworthy of unconditional love.

For that last sentence, read through these boards. Count how many times you see people who are obviously being abused (or have been) will actively blame themselves. Hopefully my words provide some insight into why.

None of the above applies to everyone who has been with a borderline, but I've read enough stories to believe it speaks to a lot of us.

Disclaimer: studying psychology, but not a psychologist. A lot of my opinions are based on reading stories of others over the past three years. And the first thing we are taught in psychology is "reliance on anecdotes is pseudoscience". But hopefully my 1,000s of stories is starting to become a pretty large sample size!
« Last Edit: May 17, 2022, 09:22:03 PM by grumpydonut » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2022, 10:40:56 PM »

Today I am wondering… Are we the magnets, or are they? I seem to go looking for these people. From what I have read, us and them are an almost inevitable match. I have just about resigned myself to expect there will always be a borderline in my life when I am with someone. I’d go as far as to say, I desire it.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)


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grumpydonut
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2022, 12:53:55 AM »

A borderline is like Groundhog Day. You will be stuck in the loop until you learn from it and decide to make positive changes.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2022, 06:17:17 PM »

It took my father 25 years and many relationships to finally have a relationship with a non-BPD. From my mother (BPD) to his current wife (non-BPD), he dated a LOT of women, and somehow, the ones that made it into our house, the ones that he had moved in with us, were all borderlines. They were not diagnosed, but they were terrifying. If it wasn't borderline, it was another PD... One ended up in prison and called him 6 years after the relationship ended, she just couldn't let go. Another would follow him in her car at a distance when he was walking around the block (he told me). Another went to his work to accuse him of cheating in the middle of a reunion with his co-workers... He was devastated, each and every single time, I saw him go from a good enough father (pre-relationship) to an alcoholic depressive broken man.

If you enjoy the adrenaline, that's one thing. However, all hope is not lost. He worked a lot on himself before he could finally find someone healthy AND be attracted to them. It took him many years to find his own responsibility in those relationships, and finally change his pattern.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2022, 06:25:24 PM by Riv3rW0lf » Logged
GlennT
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2022, 07:23:25 PM »

They train for their entire lives how to "work" people and relationships. Be careful and know how they "work" people. It's not that we're Bpd magnets, it is because they are relationship junkies. They are emotional vampires, read the book, who need anyone to idealize, devalue, and discard. They keep in contact with their exes for use if needed too. Sure, there is a spectrum, like with any other mental illness, and many are different, but watch over time, for the repeating idealization, devalue, and discard phases .  Have any of you actually watched your Bpd ex's "work" a new fool? I have watched my ex go through many in the past 20+ years.  It is terrible to watch every new poor victim seduced, thirst for more, then devalued, and left. I am so grateful to have this knowledge from Bpd family here. I have avoided quite a few of them and can see one coming a mile away now. Thank-you internet and Bpd Family..
« Last Edit: May 21, 2022, 07:40:00 PM by GlennT » Logged

Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.~ Churchill
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