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Tahoe995

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3


« on: May 20, 2022, 10:12:11 PM »

Hi all and thank you for reading.

I don’t want to go too far into the past on this as it would be a novel.
I’m going to start with the past 2 years of a 4 year relationship.I am 44 and ex girlfriend is 38.
We’ve had a rocky relationship like everyone here has I’m sure. I’ve only been made recently aware that my ex has BPD. We would argue often because she would constantly pick at me, put me down, question me, and just do impulsive things but nothing too serious.
 We’ve had 3 breakups one last a couple months but in contact. A second breakup that involved her immediately finding another guy and staying with him for 5 months.
She came back January 2021 apologizing and letting me know her issues to a degree, she admitted to being abusive, gaslighting me, projecting and taking accountability which she had never done before, she was different and in therapy, on meds for depression and anger. She still didn’t let me know it was BPD and I wasn’t wise enough about it then.
I went slow with her, she was always nice and respective, she would have outbursts but catch herself in it and immediately apologize. She seemed truly remorseful, she apologized to my family who she had also hurt.
I was hesitant and still had reservation. But decided to give it another try. Things were good, she was happy, easy to talk to, outbursts weren’t there etc…
Then in august things began to revert, she was becoming more angry, irritated, starting fights, projecting..all the behavior gradually came back. It was constant being put down and so on.  
She became very nasty and said some terrible things.November things got bad. She ended it with me, yet kelt in touch but only to be rude. She told me she suffered from BPD and severe depression. I tried letting her know I was there for her and began studying symptoms and how to help and I tried, but I know I went about it the wrong way now, and I feel terrible for enabling her behavior.
I made mistakes by arguing and saying things out of defense. I do acknowledge I made mistakes and have been accountable.
However in 7 months she has completely self destructed.

She ironically enough is a mental health counselor, she had an amazing job that paid incredibly well, she got drunk one night, the next day she quit the job after helping build the business. She then decided to throw out most of her belongings, she decided to get implants out of nowhere, states smoking weed which is something she was against, took on another job worked there for a month and up and quit. Pushed other friends away, has spent in total about $18k on unimportant things.she saw me one night and we talked about her and I. 2 nights later she accidentally sends me a Uber notification that she was at another guys house.she told me at first it was with a group of friends, then she said it was with three guys and she wanted to have sex with all 3 that night but she didn’t, she said she said that to push me away. But she did go on a date.
We start talking again I see past it knowing she’s not in her right mind. We hangout again and talk and she was very happy then became down and started crying, I asked if she wanted me to leave she said no.
We talked a lot about her and the things she had been doing and how she’s been out of control.
Things went well for about a week but there was still hurt, she then got rude said she wanted to date other people. I said alright.
A couple days later I get messages attacking me for being a narcissist and unlovable and more nasty things.
A week later she asks me to hangout and talk, which I agreed to, we met at a bar (bad idea) she tells me she wants to work on us. Later she tells me she slept with someone and it didn’t workout and she ended with him. Just the day before we meet. That stung pretty bad. We continue to hangout and talk but drinking. We come back to my place and she continues drinnkng, we go in the hottub she takes off all her clothes and lays in the grass laughing hysterically then crying. I tell her we need to stop drinking, she can sleep in my bed and I’ll sleep on my couch.she asked me to lay down with her, I decided to then she starts getting angry and I tell her to calm down. She then proceeds to punch me 3 times, I finally tell her to get up and I’ll call her an Uber. She says fine I go grab my phone and she’s passed out. I let her sleep. Next morning I wake her up and she has no recollection of what happened. (She’s never been physical before)
I let things go for a couple weeks. She tells me she is ruing everything in her life. She calls me last Saturday night. She bought a suite to a baseball game for her cousins bachelorette party (another $2500 she admits to stupidly doing)  she left her friends and called me saying she wanted to see me. Like an idiot I agree, she apologizes, asks me if I’m seeing anyone, trying to hold my hand, says it’s not the same without me and this and that. She was pretty sad for feeling used by her cousin that night and really regretted spending all that money. (Her cousin always uses her)
Sunday she asks me (to hangout like old times) we had a great day talking and doing what we used to do. She goes home and I text her she responds incredibly rude, she acknowledges that it was rude. She then says again, she feels like she’s destroying everything in her life and went to sleep. Next day I text her and she is cold again and pushed me away. I text her Monday and I’m blocked. I sent her a couple emails and she responded this morning with stop messaging me and to go

I love her and want her to get help, it’s like moments she has clarity then throws it all away and goes right back to this person I don’t even know.
She came back so loving and caring. This has to be more than BPD?
I know I have to let her go, I think some sortive false hope has me thinning we can work it out as I know she’s a great person with treatment.
it’s just so hard seeing her be this way again.
I have blocked her on my phone and all social media but her emails can still get through. I feel used and manipulated, I know deep down I can’t continue to do this but I know if she reached out I’d probably take her back and I hate admitting that.
What did anyone else here do to finally break free?
It’s hard letting someone go you believe cares and is ruining things in their life for no apparent reason?
I always wonder if this is the last time we have spoken.

Thank you again for any advice and sorry for the long message.

« Last Edit: May 20, 2022, 10:19:41 PM by Tahoe995 » Logged
NotAHero
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In the recycling phase
Posts: 315


« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2022, 10:25:38 PM »

Hi all and thank you for reading.

I don’t want to go too far into the past on this as it would be a novel.
I’m going to start with the past 2 years of a 4 year relationship.I am 44 and ex girlfriend is 38.
We’ve had a rocky relationship like everyone here has I’m sure. I’ve only been made recently aware that my ex has BPD. We would argue often because she would constantly pick at me, put me down, question me, and just do impulsive things but nothing too serious.
 We’ve had 3 breakups one last a couple months but in contact. A second breakup that involved her immediately finding another guy and staying with him for 5 months.
She came back January 2021 apologizing and letting me know her issues to a degree, she admitted to being abusive, gaslighting me, projecting and taking accountability which she had never done before, she was different and in therapy, on meds for depression and anger. She still didn’t let me know it was BPD and I wasn’t wise enough about it then.
I went slow with her, she was always nice and respective, she would have outbursts but catch herself in it and immediately apologize. She seemed truly remorseful, she apologized to my family who she had also hurt.
I was hesitant and still had reservation. But decided to give it another try. Things were good, she was happy, easy to talk to, outbursts weren’t there etc…
Then in august things began to revert, she was becoming more angry, irritated, starting fights, projecting..all the behavior gradually came back. It was constant being put down and so on.  
She became very nasty and said some terrible things.November things got bad. She ended it with me, yet kelt in touch but only to be rude. She told me she suffered from BPD and severe depression. I tried letting her know I was there for her and began studying symptoms and how to help and I tried, but I know I went about it the wrong way now, and I feel terrible for enabling her behavior.
I made mistakes by arguing and saying things out of defense. I do acknowledge I made mistakes and have been accountable.
However in 7 months she has completely self destructed.

She ironically enough is a mental health counselor, she had an amazing job that paid incredibly well, she got drunk one night, the next day she quit the job after helping build the business. She then decided to throw out most of her belongings, she decided to get implants out of nowhere, states smoking weed which is something she was against, took on another job worked there for a month and up and quit. Pushed other friends away, has spent in total about $18k on unimportant things.she saw me one night and we talked about her and I. 2 nights later she accidentally sends me a Uber notification that she was at another guys house.she told me at first it was with a group of friends, then she said it was with three guys and she wanted to have sex with all 3 that night but she didn’t, she said she said that to push me away. But she did go on a date.
We start talking again I see past it knowing she’s not in her right mind. We hangout again and talk and she was very happy then became down and started crying, I asked if she wanted me to leave she said no.
We talked a lot about her and the things she had been doing and how she’s been out of control.
Things went well for about a week but there was still hurt, she then got rude said she wanted to date other people. I said alright.
A couple days later I get messages attacking me for being a narcissist and unlovable and more nasty things.
A week later she asks me to hangout and talk, which I agreed to, we met at a bar (bad idea) she tells me she wants to work on us. Later she tells me she slept with someone and it didn’t workout and she ended with him. Just the day before we meet. That stung pretty bad. We continue to hangout and talk but drinking. We come back to my place and she continues drinnkng, we go in the hottub she takes off all her clothes and lays in the grass laughing hysterically then crying. I tell her we need to stop drinking, she can sleep in my bed and I’ll sleep on my couch.she asked me to lay down with her, I decided to then she starts getting angry and I tell her to calm down. She then proceeds to punch me 3 times, I finally tell her to get up and I’ll call her an Uber. She says fine I go grab my phone and she’s passed out. I let her sleep. Next morning I wake her up and she has no recollection of what happened. (She’s never been physical before)
I let things go for a couple weeks. She tells me she is ruing everything in her life. She calls me last Saturday night. She bought a suite to a baseball game for her cousins bachelorette party (another $2500 she admits to stupidly doing)  she left her friends and called me saying she wanted to see me. Like an idiot I agree, she apologizes, asks me if I’m seeing anyone, trying to hold my hand, says it’s not the same without me and this and that. She was pretty sad for feeling used by her cousin that night and really regretted spending all that money. (Her cousin always uses her)
Sunday she asks me (to hangout like old times) we had a great day talking and doing what we used to do. She goes home and I text her she responds incredibly rude, she acknowledges that it was rude. She then says again, she feels like she’s destroying everything in her life and went to sleep. Next day I text her and she is cold again and pushed me away. I text her Monday and I’m blocked. I sent her a couple emails and she responded this morning with stop messaging me and to go

I love her and want her to get help, it’s like moments she has clarity then throws it all away and goes right back to this person I don’t even know.
She came back so loving and caring. This has to be more than BPD?
I know I have to let her go, I think some sortive false hope has me thinning we can work it out as I know she’s a great person with treatment.
it’s just so hard seeing her be this way again.
I have blocked her on my phone and all social media but her emails can still get through. I feel used and manipulated, I know deep down I can’t continue to do this but I know if she reached out I’d probably take her back and I hate admitting that.
What did anyone else here do to finally break free?
It’s hard letting someone go you believe cares and is ruining things in their life for no apparent reason?
I always wonder if this is the last time we have spoken.

Thank you again for any advice and sorry for the long message.



     These are BPD traits. It won’t get much better. Are you up to live like that ? If not, you need to make the decision to leave. She is recycling you not really with you.  Read more on these forums.
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Tahoe995

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2022, 10:59:01 PM »

Thank you for the reply and the direction to look at recycling, I appreciate that! It’s a start.
Logged
NotAHero
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In the recycling phase
Posts: 315


« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2022, 11:12:57 PM »

Thank you for the reply and the direction to look at recycling, I appreciate that! It’s a start.

 I read your post and what you described I lived through. From many other stories on the board it only gets worse.

 In my humble opinion it’s not worth it. You don’t even have kids with her …if I were you knowing what I know now I would run to the hills and never look back. You can follow my story here and the last 8 months of my suffering are well documented.
Logged
Tahoe995

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2022, 11:19:19 PM »

I definitely am going to read your story, I tried to condense mine to the past 2 years, there is so much more I wanted to add to mine that she’s done prior as well, including lying about dying of cancer. I look back and cannot believe the messes that we get ourselves into! It’s hard!
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