Shattered and Seeking Help

[HelpMeMend]

My BPD husband and I have been married almost 7 years. He is 66 years old. In the beginning I was determined to be  good wife. I would ask him every morning what I could do to make him happy that day. Then one morning when I was leaving for work (about two months from our wedding day) I saw looking at women's pictures on a meet-up site. His pattern of watching internet porn obsessively, going to sex-meet-up sites, and actually planning to meet people has continued for our entire marriage. I have quite by accident with him sitting next to me, seen a picture of his genitals that he sent to some woman that he was chatting with from a bathroom at work. Just three months ago, I caught him planning to meet up with a man that he had met at a gas station the night before. He looks for sex with both men and women constantly.

I had prexisting trust issues coming into the marriage so his actions just made them much worse. I found myself becoming controlling - trying to protect myself and my marriage. I don't like the person I am when I am with him.

He lies about everything. When he is caught cheating, he explodes. He rants that I shouldn't be checking his phone etc.. I should "trust" him. In the past, I have backed off because for some crazy reason I believed he was right.

He works nights and I work days. I recently had a new security system install that included a Ring Doorbell and a back door camera. Again, he exploded. He threatened to leave if I had the system installed because he was not going to be 'under survailence'. I had the system installed anyway. He was being irrational as always.

My triggers have become so fine tuned that I caught him within 12 hours the last two times he was starting to pursue a new sex partner. Two weeks ago I caught him sexting someone online who he was calling 'my beloved mistress'. After that confrontation, he packed up and moved out while I was at work. There has been very little contact since then. I am keeping my distance.

Complicating the issue is the fact that my daughter, son-in-law, and eight year old granddaughter live on his property. He moved into a house that is on the same property. He goes to visits, texts, and calls them on a regular basis. My daughter says it is a crappy situation because they feel forced to be nice to him as though nothing has happened. This really hurts me on a level that is hard to explain. After all the pain he has caused me, it is wrong that he is able to gain 'comfort' from MY family.

Even though he has cut me off from communication entirely, part of me aches to talk to him. I feel damaged and I know that I should focus on healing but it is hard right now. My family is thrilled that he is gone. He was always 'grumpy' and tended to say unfair and mean things to them in turn. When I told my daughter that my heart was aching, her response was, "you can't be thinking of trying to get him back. How could you do that to your family?" That remark made me stop and examine my feelings hard.

I need advice and support from someone who truly understands.

How can I stop the pain and begin to recover.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear HMM-

Welcome to our community.  I am very sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but very glad that you’ve joined us.  Most new members arrive feeling just as lost as you’re feeling, so you’re in good company.

I truly understand the *knowing* logically that what he’s done is despicable, and yet still emotionally wanting him to explain and comfort you.  He cannot... and even if he could, he would not.  Anything that would make him look bad, he will refuse to do at all costs.  That is simply how most borderline and narcissistic people operate (from my personal experience). 

But my friend, you know this is NOT a one time slip-up.  This is him, through and through.  You’ve been married with him for 7 years and to your knowledge he began this behavior two months after you married.  He has continued to cheat, send naked photos of himself, etc.   Any amount of you kicking, arguing against his behavior, cameras, begging, crying simply does not mean a thing to him... and it wouldn’t matter which woman did the begging and crying.  This is all about him.  It was never about you.  I know, hard to grasp.

In my opinion, I strongly believe he continually does this because he can.  You’ve stayed, so the proof is in the pudding as it is said.  It doesn’t matter why, though there are explanations.  It really doesn’t matter.  And his disgusting actions are NOT a reflection on you at all.  He’s a bottomless pit of need, emptiness, fear of aging, and he wrongly thinks if other women desire him, he’ll stay young.  What adult man sends a picture of his genitalia to a woman?  Unreal...

BTW, I’m a 64 yo female and I appreciate the beauty of a handsome man as much as the next person, but if anyone ever sent me a photo of their junk, I’d have a few choice words to express before the blocking.  And I’m not in the habit of blocking people.

I believe This guy is convinced he holds some kind of power over you, your daughter and son-in-law.  In the form of housing, financial power.  And each time he visits your children he proves that point, because he owns that property and they have to play nice.  Your D and SIL likely want to scream at him.

Does he truly hold financial power over you?  If not, then that’s your out.  Perhaps your endgame could be that All of you bite the bullet and quietly move from his property.  People with narc traits(to me this just sounds like he’s heavily narc) hold things heavily over other people’s heads. No big production, you just do what you need to for self-preservation, self-respect and to heal.  And for your children and grandchild.  This is very unhealthy for everyone involved.

Finally,  I’d suggest you look up the YouTube videos for “Dr. Ramani, Narcissism”.  Please look for the ones where she is alone.  She is fantastic and each video is only 10-15 minutes long.  When my exBF and I broke up, I watched these like crazy.  They explained so much of what I experienced in this 6.5-year relationship and during my 19-year marriage.

Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[alterK]

Hi Helpme, and again welcome. I'll second what Gems says, and add a few more comments. It's almost universal that when a relationship like yours breaks up, you will have conflicting feelings. There is a part of you that says Good Riddance, you are much better off without him. There is another part of you that remembers what attracted you to him originally, that longs to have him back despite his faults.

In the situation you describe, you (and everyone who reads your post) clearly know that the relationship is a nightmare, that your husband will never change, that he is untrustworthy, that he is ruled by impulses he can't control, that you will never feel safe with him.

I suggest that you accept that you do have conflicting feelings, that it is normal for you to have them, and they are likely to continue for a while. Don't beat yourself up because of them. Then go ahead and do what is best for you.