Bpd child in your will/trust?

[JacksMom]

We are understanding our need to revise our will.
It currently splits our estate evenly among our kids.

With the reality that our daughter struggles with BPD and BiPolar, etc... and if she has $100 or $10,000 it will all be gone in a matter  of days.

We want to format it so that there is a limit to the spending spree.
We also want to include some provision for her kids (as there is ZERO dollars saved for them for any purpose)

Anyone else have some ideas?

Other adult child will be responsible and invest their share of the estate and most likely...be a source of (BPD educated) provision for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tulipps]

Hello JacksMom -

Your message really hit home with me. Sorry for what you're dealing with... it's tough.
I'll spare you the lengthy back story (you can read my posts for details) but last year, I found myself where you are and made Will changes accordingly.

For clarification -  it is not my intention to give advice! I'm in no position to do so and that's not what this forum is about. All I can do is share what felt comfortable to me in similar circumstances. My response may resonate, or not.

I spoke to a family lawyer and that didn't go well. Unlike what happens on this forum, he couldn't relate and judged me beyond belief. So, without a budget for multiple legal opinions, I started researching and created something myself.

Based on my jurisdiction and what I read, the first step recommended was to draft a memorandum of sorts... something that would speak for me (after my death) and provide background information that explained my decision. That was a difficult but necessary step.

Next was to specify a set amount she'd receive regardless of other stipulations/trusts. Again, based on what I read and felt, it seemed reasonable to leave something that could be helpful... medical help/counselling, training, relocation, eg - a leg up, so to speak. By leaving something, the  likelihood of legal challenge is lessened and some of the potentially subjective decision-making burden is removed from trustees.

After that, I set out a number of scenarios based on possible future circumstances (BPDd working, not working, has dependants, no dependants, etc) and what percentage of any remaining trust she or dependants would receive in each case.

The process was gut-wrenching, but it's done. 

 I feel your pain and wish you the best.

T

[GaGrl]

My husband is a financial advisor and has worked with multiple clients with this type of concern. He partners with estate lawyers for the best plan. Do you have a financial advisor?

[JacksMom]

thank you for the helpful posts.

Yes. we have a very sympathetic attorney and financial adviser.

I had my meeting with our attorney today and have a few ideas.

Currently we DO have a trust set up... I need to tweak it a little.
He explained it so I could understand it better and I think I have a better grasp on it.

I DO like the idea of leaving a written memorandum of sorts, as suggested ..to let my love and clear wishes be known.

She can be upset ...but... If we leave her a HUGE lump sum...she'd be penniless in a matter of time. 
If we leave it in a trust with the RIGHT TRUSTEE in place, with a written memorandum of why I chose this situation, It might make her feel more taken care of in the long term.
She might balk at the "control"...but I know that 5, 10...15 years from our departure..she might still have a little something to care for her needs.

He also gave me an idea to set up a separate trust for all the grandchildren to be cared for.  That made me smile too.  I want all my grandkids to get something and by making it for ALL the grandkids...we aren't just providing for HER kids and our other child's children wonder about our love for them.

Now...to interview TRUSTEE options.  ugh. 

[Sancho]

My concern is that BPD has a roof over her head for her lifetime when I am gone. So I have invested in a small unit (apartment) that I currently rent out (via an agent so I don't have to be concerned with it.

In my will I am giving a 'life interest' in this property to dd for her lifetime and then the property will pass to her dd.

The life interest means she can occupy the unit, or rent it and claim the income.

It is the only way I can see of making sure dd has a roof over her head. The unit is small, close to a town, on a bus route etc. My dd doesn't manage well so I am making sure it is something she can manage.

This arrangement means there are no ongoing fees etc for managing a trust.

[PearlsBefore]

You could likely word SOME of what you want for the grandchildren into the other grown children's.

"To Jeff, we leave 12,000 on the condition that he spend at least 2000 of it on his nephews and nieces over the next five years in consultation with their mother"

Instead of putting a "totally unfair onerous condition" on your BPD daughter, you shift the issue to the aunts and uncles who will understand that you were otherwise leaving them 10, now you're leaving them each 12 but that 2 is a trust for the other daughter's children.

I'm happy to see you're thinking about this; it's been a minor issue in our own lives on this end - and your preparation should help give everybody the best chance in life.

[Notwendy]

I don't have advice but I think you are wise to think about this.

My father passed away after a long illness. When he first got seriously ill, I was concerned about how BPD mother would handle basic responsibilities if he was unable to. I also was concerned about her over spending and poor money management. Dad was able to handle all the bills, etc, and also provide for her, albeit, it appeared he compromised to compensate. She didn't have much of a concept of money or budgeting and had not worked outside the home.

We kids didn't have an interest in any inheritance, and we wanted the money to be there for her. I suggested being involved in some kind of money management plan for her. She'd have nothing of it. When Dad passed away it all went to her. We have no idea what she's done with it but from what we have seen, she doesn't manage it the way we wish she would.

She will also trust a total stranger before she'd trust her own children. People have taken advantage of that. Recently, on a visit, we found out that she'd taken out a home equity loan on the house, and a savings account she had told us we could have access to for emergencies has been emptied. She had taken out the loan a while back and had not told us. We found the statement when she asked us to help her organize some things.

We were upset about the loan, as I don't think she understands what would happen if she defaulted on it and she raged at us if we tried to discuss it with her.

I understand the wish for your relative with BPD to have a place to stay but be careful when giving over property as they could take a loan against that.

Please also be careful about putting a sibling in charge of the pwBPD's money. I was naive to the dynamics when I offered to help. If we bring up any concerns, she accuses us of bad intentions. She needs to be in control. It would have been constant conflict between us. On a visit a while back, we accompanied her to the bank, she began to act distressed. We were afraid she's start accusing us in the bank. I am now glad I have nothing to do with her finances as there isn't any way she could accuse me of taking it.

It may be better to assign a professional accountant or lawyer to manage the pwBPD's money.

We do care about her well being but she's in control.

[JacksMom]

Wow NotWendy!
That sounds so hard.

We originally had her aunt and brother as ones who would be “in control” but realized that is not a truly feasible option
In fact, our son specifically asked us recently to remove that burden.
He will always be there to help guide her decisions and help his nephews… but he does not want her to ever be in position of power over her because he sees how threatening and damaging it can be with her moods.
We are interviewing trustee departments at our banks to find the right “neutral party” to manage her part of the trust.

I am relieved to find a way to divide our estate to add a part to bless the grandchildren and their needs.

This BPD is such an eye opening experience and requires us to plan 6 steps ahead of the game at all times. ✨❤️✨

[Notwendy]

From a financial perspective, it is hard to see ( what we are able to see) what has happened to the money my father saved.

Your son is quite savvy to ask to not have that position with her. I didn't know much about BPD at the time. Many of my friends were helping their elderly parents manage expenses at the time. They had their names on their parents' checking accounts so they could handle tasks such as paying bills if needed. I assumed I could have the same role if necessary and asked to do this too. I went to the bank with BPD mom. She told people I "forced her to go to the bank and get my name on accounts". I backed off immediately, emailed Dad to find someone else to do that. Their response was to get angry at me for backing off. Classic drama triangle that I was not aware of.

We would not want to see BPD mother go without basic needs. The money Dad saved
could have provided well for her. Now, we don't know what she's done with it. She's not been honest with us or cooperative with any efforts to assure her needs will be met. We've had to walk away from this and just let her be in charge.

A professional in charge of finances would be in a better position as manager. BPD impacts the closest relationships the most. Although we would be the ones to have her best interest in mind the most, we are the ones she trusts the least. In addition, a professional won't take your D's behavior as personally. And they will have the protection of their profession. I don't want to be falsely accused of anything related to my mother's money. The fact that I have zero access to it protects me from that.

[Aralia]

Thank you for this post. My husband and I need to update our will and we have been struggling with this very issue.  We do not want to treat the kids differently, but it's hard because we know the dd with bpd will not be able to handle it responsibly.  In fact, our most responsible child is our youngest one but we can't leave the 16 yo in charge.

Our estate lawyer advised us to divide everything into three separate trusts (neither my husband nor I grew up with "trusts" and we don't know anyone who did so it sounds a bit rich to us but still).  The thing is, our bpd daughter who is 20 now might need treatment for many years to come, and that is something we currently pay for and will probably continue to do so for a long time.  So we want to make sure the resources for that are always available for her.  And while some people say well, it's only fair that her mental health costs don't get taken from the pot for the other kids--as parents we don't really see it that way.  As long as we're alive it is one pot and people get what they need and if you don't need as much then good for you, you're probably going to be happier and more successful than your sister and you can all divide up the leftovers equally when we're gone.  So dividing it into equal trusts I guess lessens the possibility that some kids will feel resentment that others are taking more than their fair share, but that is not how it would work if we were alive and I reject the notion of "fair share." Because our bpd dd has already taken up a lot more than her fair share of everything.

Anyhow, sorry to go on and on, but I think you are so smart to think about this in your planning.  I know a number of families with no mental health issues at all who have broken up when the last parent dies over disagreements about the estate.  It brings out the most primitive feelings in siblings, even when the estate is small and nobody needs the money.