Single mom trying to protect younger child while dealing with 16 d w/ bpd traits

[Momoftwobeauties]

Help.
Life seems to be over these days, I seem to put out fire after fire.
For the last 18 months my daughter has had increasing BPD symptoms and behaviors ( not dx yet she has been dx with eating disorder, anxiety and severe depression, however clinical impression is BPD).
She has never spent the night outside my home or had issues in school until 3/2021 (she was 15). She went missing for 7 days, she was picked up in a rental car and no one could find her, police, non profits, the whole city was looking for her. She appeared in a bad neighborhood 7 days after going missing, refused to tell anyone where she had been, police/hospital.
Ever since it has been a downhill spiral of mood swings, risky behavior and most apparent are the lies about me and my home. She lies about everything. She has faked 2 pregnancies, lied about abuse at home to school authorities, reported sexual assaults', home invasions that weren't actually happening. Constant drama.
Her most recent lies about our home have gotten CPS involved. Then most recently she has attempted suicided but then told the hospital it was just an attempt to hurt me specifically.
She is EXTREAMLY jealous of her sister (9).
I am at the point where I can not maintain a normal life or activities for my younger child.
How do I protect us? I am scared of what she is capable of...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Momoftwobeauties. I have read your post a few times and it is heartbreaking to read what you have been/are going through. You must be at the end of your tether.

We lurch from one crisis to the next with our bpd loved ones. There seems to be no let up, no time to unwind and feel some sort of normality before the next crisis. We live on high alert even during period when things might be a little calmer.

Many years ago when I was in the middle of caring for elderly relatives, dd's young daughter and dd admitted to psych ward, a dear friend said to me 'you need to get other people involved'. What went through my mind was 'easier said then done'.

But it was good advice. Your dd's behaviour is attracting attention and I think this is a good thing (though it is hard to say anything is 'good' in your situation!).

Both your daughters are so young and this is a long journey.

The only person who knows what would be possible is the person in a situation, so it is difficult to offer suggestions. My mind is going over things like 'Is there someone who can help you to help your 9 year old have a more normal life ie where she can have sleepovers or take her to sports or things that she might like to do? I suppose that is expanding the 9 year olds support system so that you don't carry that alone.

Does your bpd dd attend school and if so how is that? It sounds like such a sudden change at 15! It also sounds as though you have attended lots of medical people -ie to get diagnoses etc.

I am really concerned about you and your daughters. Do you have a counsellor or someone you can sit down with and look at options?

One thing I found useful on this site was a different way to look at 'boundaries'. There is a lot of talk about boundaries, how to set them, how to enforce them etc - and of course what do you do when they are ignored.

But here someone posted that boundaries are the things you need to do to make yourself safe and respect your own life. I found this very helpful. I started using 'I' statements much more often and disengaging from total responsibility for dd's actions and future pathways.

I also learnt to let the abuse go past me (most of the time, sometimes I still get knocked for six by it). The other thing was to 'catch the moment' and breathe before the next crisis, even when I absolutely knew a crisis was immanent. I told myself I would deal with it when it happened (I'm afraid it was 'when' rather than 'if' it happened!)

Thank you for posting and I wish I could be more helpful. Just know you are not alone on this journey that is BPD. We know your pain, exhaustion and sadness because it is what we also live. Sending hugs . . .