Quiet BPDex Behaviors

[lisasimpson]

I suspect that my ex was BPD on the "quiet" leaning side. Just as a disclaimer, I am aware "quiet" BPD is not an official diagnosis, but reading similar stories brought some clarity and validation to my experience. Here are some examples:

• randomly becoming overwhelmed by my possessions at her house (despite asking me to be there nearly 5 days a week). She would collect my clothing/ misc. items that she had spent weeks using/living in and ask me to take it home. I would have to bring them back within days.
• severe projection, often saying she would feel like I was judging her when I was not verbally, mentally, or appearing to do so. Usually would follow her behaving poorly and needing to hold herself accountable.
• could have bad hygiene at times such as clothes that smelled moldy, genital smells, or failed to shower after nightly sleep sweats. She warned me she was extremely sensitive to comments about these things due to an ex who made her feel bad so I avoided the subject.  
• intense bouts of depression, random crying, and requests to not talk about anything "depressing" even if it was something I wanted to discuss about my day. On the flip side, she was allowed to bring up these topics freely and was extremely active in social justice online.
• would tell me she did not plan gifts well, did not like going to concerts, or other various behaviors. She would then perform or engage in those experiences with her FP and be sure to tell me about it or even ask to engage in it over her plans with me.
• repeated brutal discards that came out of nowhere or following what I would consider to be more intimate experiences (supporting her with family drama, babysitting her nieces and nephews, HER talking about out future engagement and children, etc). In the first two she would apologize within the hour and ask me not to leave. She would say she did not know why she did that and continue to say sorry. The final discard was the coldest I had ever seen her. It was like I was a stranger she had just met.
• watched a lot of children's movies as her go to comfort. Watched tons of reality tv with me about relationships. She would express opinions about behaviors in the relationships that I always agreed with and were rational. Despite this, she behaved in complete contradiction with the behaviors she condemned.
• asking me to stay for days on end at her place then snapping and saying she needed "alone time." She would usually call the next day during alone time and say how she was out with friends at a bar.
• alcohol substance use disorder that varied in extremes. She actually works in the field of substance use disorder treatment.
• extremely outgoing, funny, smart, kind, hardworking, and attractive. Talented in multiple languages. Could have moments of perfect rationality and clarity. Sometimes even proactively considerate of my feelings, identifying how her behaviors could upset the average partner and working on changing. I just never knew which version of her I was going to get.
• was in two therapies and on medication. One was for her mental health and one for her substance use. This one made me think things were much more under control than I knew.
• often lying by omission or waiting days to tell me things. She would cite her fear that she was unable to tell me in a way that did not cause her to spiral and break up with me again. The story she would tell would be filled with holes.
• (TW: SA) extremely sensitive to discussions about sexual assault and would ask me to never bring it up. When she opened up about her traumatic experience, I remember feeling confused because it did not sound non consensual. I was almost waiting for the story to take a turn beyond she hooked up with a man while they were drunk (a behavior she had participated in frequently since). I would never invalidate that so I comforted her based on her experience.

Anyone else have some quiet BPD behaviors they would like to share?

[Turkish]

These behaviors sound Waifish. "The Waif wants to be rescued."

What do you think?  

The book I found a bit dark, but I think that is a worthwhile read for Detachers.

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in mutliple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

This workshop is about identifying the BPD types and ways to cope such as:

Being Firm But Sensitive - Personal validation, which is important in any situation, is essential with a borderline parent. Express your awareness of their emotions even as you set boundaries.

Trust Yourself - Many children of borderline parents say they felt crazy growing up. They experience a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions.  They never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. An important element of recovery is to accept that you're not "crazy"

Trust Others -  People who've survived a borderline parent most frequently suffer from feelings of worthlessness, fear of abandonment, and fear of people in general because these adult children received "such mixed messages—you're a great person one day and you're horrible the next" — there's a certain mistrust of people because you're always afraid they're going to hurt you.

Defend Your Boundaries  - Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent themselves— it's often like a child raising a child.  The children grow up very quickly in many ways and can act as caretaker for everyone, often at the expense of taking care of themselves.  An important part of recovery is to set limits for the parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first.

Thanks in advance for your participation in this workshop.

Skippy

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The link to the discussion of Understanding the Borderline Mother:


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0

YouTube audiobook Resource - Free

Title: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

By: Christine Ann Lawson

[EZEarache]

The book I found a bit dark, but I think that is a worthwhile read for Detachers.

I've noticed references to "Waifs" showing up here lately and I didn't know what it was in reference to, now I get it.

Turkish, Is this book worth reading if you don't have a BPD mother yourself, but have a borderline co-parent mothering your child?

I've read a few borderline books already now. Stop walking on Eggshells,
Stop Caretaking the Borderline, I hate You Don't Leave Me, BIFF, High Conflict Couple. The books started getting a little repetitive so I kind of stopped picking up new ones.

Lisasimpson, My coparent with BPD definitely falls into the quiet side. She is very introverted, but is an amazing public speaker, and extremely intelligent.

[kells76]

Hi EZE,

Yeah, my DH's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and I read the book (though it was a while ago). I do think it was helpful for that situation. It may also open your eyes to the possibility that members of your FOO had BPD traits.

Worst case scenario is that you learn more about BPD...

kells76

[Turkish]

I read the book to understand my ex before I suspected that my mother had BPD.

[lisasimpson]

Turkish and EZE,

Thank you for sharing! I believe my exBPD very much fit into the category of the waif. She had a high sense of victimization, often asking for support and help, but then quickly throwing away the help or blaming me for the support. I did some additional reading on the subject and saw some other older posts on this site (linked below). One particular comment caught my attention from a user named JaxWest.

<sub>So, I keep hearing a lot about people being recycled. I am curious with this and the pre-dating stage. I asked this female out and she had shot me down. After that, she seemed to seek me out. She started to treat me as you would expect a girlfriend to behave, not somebody that shot me down. After she got my attention, it went back to me chasing her (which I am ashamed to admit). It seemed like a constant flow of her giving me signs, then pulling away when I got close. It was a constant "are they together, are they not together" kind of thing, because I know some people were asking me if we were dating. I honestly had no idea how to interest, because we were not officially dating. We were hanging out roughly every week... .but, it was like she was not letting me close.

I know this is not the typical form of recycle, but isn't it kind of similar?

I do know that she was back and forth with her ex as well. They had broken up several times in the past 9 years.</sub>

This was my exact experience as well. Not sure if it is a "waif" quality or not but my ex was able to keep that dynamic for about 3 months of our initial dating before becoming "official"