Emotionally Drained

[AdRock]

Thank you for everyone who has responded to me.  I keep hoping the next day will be better and the past month every day just feels like more of the same.  This inability to let go.

[kells76]

AdRock, not sure if you've checked out any of the other boards here, but if you haven't, please know you're welcome to do so -- no "requirement" to only look here. I say that because I noticed this thread on the "Bettering a relationship" board about dealing with the "what if" questions surrounding a relationship with a pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353559.0

it's an active thread, so you are welcome to participate if it's a helpful topic for you to work through.

Anyway, thought of you when I saw that one. Keep us posted on how today has been for you so far.

[AdRock]

Thank you for your thoughts kells.  I do check the other boards here.  I've mainly stuck to this one because of my situation.  I did see that posting and it resonated to some degree.  I know I stick to here because it feels like I'm not going to hear from her anytime soon.
The day hasn't been great so far (unrelated to her, just other PLEASE READ).  I'm trying to keep going.
My therapist thinks I should block her.  A few others have said the same thing.  I get there reasoning but I don't really see the point of blocking someone who doesn't want to talk to me.  Plus, there would be three possibilities.  One she notices and it triggers her into painting me black.  Two she notices and doesn't care.  Or three she doesn't notice at all.  I'm not sure which would hurt me more.

[kells76]

OK, good to know you check out the other ones, too. Even though it's my DH's kids' mom with many BPD traits, I check on all the other boards, as each has its own feel and vibe, and often focuses on different tools and skill sets.

The day hasn't been great so far (unrelated to her, just other PLEASE READ).  I'm trying to keep going.

Yeah, "funny" how life does stuff whether its BPD drama or not. Was it work drama?

...

My therapist thinks I should block her.  A few others have said the same thing.  I get there reasoning but I don't really see the point of blocking someone who doesn't want to talk to me.  Plus, there would be three possibilities.  One she notices and it triggers her into painting me black.  Two she notices and doesn't care.  Or three she doesn't notice at all.  I'm not sure which would hurt me more.

couple of thoughts.

I remembered that the title of your thread is "emotionally drained".

Have you ever considered the image of being in a car, and hitting the brakes AND the gas at the same time? All the effort and energy, and not going forward or backward. Just energy -- stuck.

Somehow that's the image or vibe I'm getting from your situation. A lot of energy into "wanting to quit her" at the same time as "not wanting to shut the door to her". What do you think?

...

And the other thought I had, which I just noticed you hinted at too, is:

every day like a drug I can’t quit I see if she’s posted anything on social.

You are getting something out of the connection. How do you feel right as you click the button? Is it a brief burst of feeling better/good/OK? And then immediately, or soon after, the guilt, beating yourself up, shame, frustration, sense of being unable to let it go?

Do you think "addiction" might be a good model for your situation?

[AdRock]

No work drama, I'm just dealing with some physical health issues.  Nothing serious but annoying on top of my mental health.
So how do I feel when I check on her social.  Shame and resentment.  It's a daily reminder that she is fine without me and that builds up my resentment about the woman she is now who is not the person who was swearing her undying love for me several months ago.  That I was the final guy and she would never leave me alone again.  And I suppose it's to build the narrative in my brain that she is just living her best life and the cost was my heart which fuels my resentment.  And there's the shame of not being able to let go.  That there is that part of me that is unable to accept that she has no desire to reach out or contact me.  She'd rather talk to anyone else at two in the morning when she is posting online rather than talk to the man she claimed she wanted to leave her husband for and spend the rest of her life with.  And shame that I'm the only person in pain over losing her.  Any pain she is in, has nothing to do with discarding the most loyal person she was ever lucky enough to find in her life.

[kells76]

Is feeling shame and resentment better than feeling the alternative? What is the alternative -- what would you be feeling if you didn't click those posts?

I wonder if you're protecting yourself from a different feeling.

[AdRock]

Since you're right there is an addiction aspect to my feelings for her, if I didn't click the posts, I could build an unrealistic fantasy expectation of her becoming a stronger version of herself that will come back to me.