BPD mother homeschooling Part 2

[Couper]

This problem is showing its head again.  The other day uBPDw went shopping and gave S12 and D9 schoolwork to do in her absence.  D9 knocked hers right out.  I went in for a snack and to check on them and my son was at the table crying over his math.  That really hurts to see that again.  I sat and we chatted, or tried to.  Despite my staying perfectly calm and assuring him he had done nothing wrong, he was overwhelmed and couldn't articulate his issue other than "I can't concentrate".  It was impossible to find out if he feared repercussions from his mother, truly couldn't do the work, or what.  I told him to take a breather, assured him that I was only there to offer help and left him to it.  Another check and he was still a mess.  The next check after that he was fine and working through everything.  By the time uBPDw got home he was totally over it and she likely never knew.  No point in bringing it up with her.  Still, a tiny bit of work took him forever.  He can't keep going through life like that.  If it's dyscalculia or something like that, it needs to get nipped or everything going forward is going to be unnecessarily difficult.

That set me to finding help.  There's not much around this rural area, but I think I found someone with excellent credentials that runs an operation from her home catering to these types of issues.  A call with a message yesterday and another call today has gone unanswered.  It's a holiday weekend, so perhaps they have taken off.  I'll try again next week.

I've decided that I'm going to make the arrangements and not say anything to uBPDw until a day or two before just to get it on the calendar.  I will take him alone and she is not welcome to come.  If she goes, it will just turn into the uBPDw Show rather than what is best for my son.  She has had every opportunity and urging to handle this herself (and she is a degreed teacher -- I cannot believe her training endorses turning a blind eye to learning difficulties).  If she insists, will simply tell her no.  This one-way door of her cutting me out of the involvement in these things is over.

 

[Couper]

After multiple calls, this afternoon I finally got a response out of the educational therapist I contacted last week.  She made assumptions like because of my area code I was not close by -- area codes mean nothing these days.  Also, I mentioned an issue with math, but math is not her thing.  However, some of the testimonies on her site mention math.

Once I got through to her that I don't need someone to teach my son math -- I need someone to tell me what this hiccup in his comprehension is -- she was intrigued.  Like I thought from reading what was available on her, oddball problems are her specialty.  Once I had her attention, I laid out the issues related to uBPDw and homeschooling and being the hurdle to getting my son help.  I figured if it was going to scare her off, she needed to know up front, but also figured she's experienced enough that she has seen her share of disordered parents.

It didn't scare her, but it will affect how we proceed.  I am to covertly round up information for her about his curriculum while she digests the all of the individual issues. I feel really good about her.  It is clear that problems like this are her passion.  Very curious to see where this goes.  It pains me to see my son break down over his schoolwork.  I would love to see him unburdened of whatever is causing this.

[kells76]

Sad but true that giving the EdT a heads up about the, um, "real" hurdle in your situation, had to be done. This is exactly the sort of thing that the kids' mom would also try to sabotage and/or turn into "you get back in your place, I'm the real caring parent, so I'm taking them to ed T, but with one that I pick".

In our situation I think the SPED team for SD14 wasn't clued in to the level of covert conflict going on, so when ALL 4 adults were on the Zoom call, and they asked "could anything else going on be contributing to SD14's difficulties", neither DH nor I felt comfortable saying "you know what, this isn't a copacetic coparenting situation". So I'm glad that with the private EdT you can be really straightforward. OK, yes, there could be some "organic" stuff going on with your son's brain, but also there's the home situation and those stressors.

I am to covertly round up information for her about his curriculum while she digests the all of the individual issues. I feel really good about her.  It is clear that problems like this are her passion.  Very curious to see where this goes.

How is that going so far? Will you meet with her in person at some point before your son meets with her?

What do you think you will do if your W finds out? What do you think she would try to do?

[Couper]

How is that going so far? Will you meet with her in person at some point before your son meets with her?

What do you think you will do if your W finds out? What do you think she would try to do?

Hi Kells.  Thanks for chiming in.  

My phone call with her was less than 24 hours ago, so it's a bit too early to say yet.  She wanted to take a couple of days to digest it.  However, buy the end of the call it was very clear that she was intensely interested.  I think these are the kinds of problems she lives to solve (the cognitive problem, maybe not to much the uBPDw problem!).

My guess would be that I meet with her alone before taking my son.  That is what I would think is logical but that wasn't discussed one way or the other.

What I will do if uBPDw finds out? -- I will bulldoze her out of the way and proceed.  If she objects, than her personal feelings be damned.  I will not have my son going through life like this.  If she plays like she wants to be involved -- no.  Just like my recent trip, I don't want her coming anywhere close to this because I believe her goal would be to corrupt the relationship, not do what is best for our son.

I believe she will have to find out when the time comes.  I'm not going to be able to take him away unless I lie outright about where I am going.  It is only fair to my son to prepare him before the visit and, either before or after, it wouldn't be fair for me to burden him with keeping a secret from his mother.

I'm all ears if you see it differently but, so far as her feelings are concerned, she can go pound sand.  She'd rather see her son continue suffering than she herself suffer some imagined indignity related to her teaching ability?  If she tries to corrupt this, it will make it that much easier to pay the attorney's retainer.  I think divorced I would have more rights in this matter than I do married.
    
(edit to add: Last night I did get photos of his math workbook and also compiled for her some of my journal entries related to all of this and emailed all of that to her this morning.  The ball is in her court.)

[kells76]

I believe she will have to find out when the time comes.  I'm not going to be able to take him away unless I lie outright about where I am going.  It is only fair to my son to prepare him before the visit and, either before or after, it wouldn't be fair for me to burden him with keeping a secret from his mother.

Yes, that all makes sense.

I'm all ears if you see it differently but, so far as her feelings are concerned, she can go pound sand.

In terms of your W's feelings, we're on the same page. However she feels about the situation is hers to manage.

I hear you not wanting to put the burden of a secret on your son. That's the right way to go.

Do you think, though, that she might manipulate him into "not wanting to go"? Or scheduling something he loves to do... at the same time? Basically making him choose, or bulldozing him into picking her thing?

I ask because I'm curious whether she's more the type who, when "losing face", blows up/sulks/overreacts herself, without directly involving the kids, or the type to undermine/discredit/sabotage through psychologically manipulating the kids.

Does that make sense?

DH's kids' mom is all about psychologically manipulating the kids/"persuading"  them/"convincing" them to "see it her way" and "adopt her view" and then rewards them as "wise" and "independent thinkers".

You'll have to remind me if your W has gone that direction -- basically punishing you for "stepping out of line" by "taking her role as the best parent" by "convincing" the kids they don't want to do something, then maybe rewarding them with positive attention, flattery, etc. If the kids haven't gotten a lot of positive attention from Mom, then get it if they do what she wants (which, they may not know, is undermining you trying to help the kids)... that's tough for a kid.

It may help to game plan here for that possibility.

Glad you're making progress on getting the info to the EdT! Looking forward to more updates about how that goes.

[Couper]

Do you think, though, that she might manipulate him into "not wanting to go"? Or scheduling something he loves to do... at the same time? Basically making him choose, or bulldozing him into picking her thing?

That's a good question and one to which I do not have an answer.  This particular type of conflict is uncharted territory for me.  I could see her manipulating him, sure.  I don't think she would schedule something else and make him choose.  I could see where she might schedule something else and tell me that it takes priority.

For those reasons, I would not give her any more of a heads-up than necessary, like maybe a day or two. 

I've seen your recent thread about your situation and I don't know if she would manipulate him to that extent.  What I could see her doing is trying to get out ahead of it by manipulating her friends (including her mother) within her homeschool circle and turn them against me.  Circling the wagons by starting a whispering campaign seems to be her specialty.  I think her first tactic would be to keep it a secret from all of them, but once she figures out that she can't (namely because all it would take is for my son to talk) I could see her ginning-up the narrative that I'm only doing this to make her look bad / create conflict / that she only wants the best but I deliberately didn't include her (and that I think her mom-friends within the co-op are incompetent)... when for years my suggestion of doing this has always been shot down followed by a bunch of FoG created to derail the issue. 

What I would be most curious to know is what his own math instructor at the homeschool group would think if I were to tell her directly about what has been going on and what my concerns are.  I only learned last night who this person is and if you really want to go down the rabbit hole, I'll come back and explain this complicated relationship.  If I didn't cover some of it in this very thread, I think I have elsewhere in past posts that I wouldn't expect anyone here to remember.  Right now I have to go put away some stuff.  There is a storm coming.

[kells76]

What I would be most curious to know is what his own math instructor at the homeschool group would think if I were to tell her directly about what has been going on and what my concerns are.  I only learned last night who this person is and if you really want to go down the rabbit hole, I'll come back and explain this complicated relationship.  If I didn't cover some of it in this very thread, I think I have elsewhere in past posts that I wouldn't expect anyone here to remember.

That's a good thing to think about. Sometimes when we can "go to the source" to give or get info, it takes away power that the pwBPD tries to have (of being the sole source and gatekeeper of information, which to some can be power).

If you're up for giving the backstory I'd be interested to hear it. You're in good company with "complicated" relationships. Recall our MC used to be the MC for both DH & his kids' mom, and ALSO for DH's former best friend's first marriage. Former best friend is currently married to DH's xW. And, when the kids were in the homeschool co-op, older SD's teacher was both DH's sister's husband's cousin, AND daughter of our church's main teacher, with whom Former Best Friend had something of a public falling out. Yes... it's complicated. Bring it on.

Once I hear the backstory, again if only you're up for it, that'll help me know whether some of my inklings -- that it could be positive to have Son's math teacher "in the loop" -- will be helpful/correct or not.

Hope you get stuff battened down OK for the storm.

[Couper]

Once I hear the backstory, again if only you're up for it, that'll help me know whether some of my inklings -- that it could be positive to have Son's math teacher "in the loop" -- will be helpful/correct or not.

Storm is here -- time to catch up.

I may have to read your second paragraph a few more times and after a bottle of Excedrin!  Having a lexicon might also help!

I remembered that I did post about the incident last year, so I'll just provide a link rather than retype it.  The unnamed woman in this thread (the one that did the awkward-good deed) is the math teacher:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350912.msg13156249#msg13156249

[Couper]

An update to this.  The educational therapist and I have been batting things around for the last couple of weeks.  She was on her way to retirement and in her mind had given up this stuff when her work dropped off, but she is intrigued by this problem and wants to take it on.  For that I am very grateful.

I provided her with lots of information and she thinks she has identified the right program for him and it's one that focuses on teaching concentration.  I think she realizes there is an environmental / mom component to the problem here.  She said until this is resolved, there is no point in tackling the "number sense" issue and depending on what that particular issue is, he may always have it, but he should be able to have it and not meltdown like he does now (he can meltdown over subjects other than math, too, just not so often).

The other night I sat down an laid all this out for uBPDw and I guess all as part of her new "serenity now" stuff she's doing, she didn't raise an objection, but I also sensed that she was not on board.  I also just plain don't trust her.  Too many times I have seen her agree only to go into something with the intent to sabotage.  After feeling things out, I told her I thought it was best that I take him alone starting out.  I don't need a repeat of the dentist office visit from last year. 

After a bit she started going off on "I don't understand" tangents and I got sucked into some retorts I probably shouldn't have entertained, but none of it went off the charts.  I also reminded her that to date, whenever this topic came up, she came unglued, cast aspersions on me, and did not pursue what was in the best interest of our son despite having every opportunity and being encouraged to do so.  I made it clear to her that I would see to it that the program is administered as prescribed and I would not tolerate her derailing it.   

Her demons still lurk because she started throwing some of the same old disordered trash at me, albeit in a more polished way.  Rewriting narratives, rehashing things that would have been water under the bridge for any normal person, and otherwise grasping at straws to get in a dig.  Aside from some missteps from getting sucked in, I'd just tell her that's not what I came down there to talk about.

I think she knows changes are looming on the horizon.  She started making comments about how "this is no way to live" and I agreed, but I don't have to tell you that she and I have different solutions in mind.  During this exchange, I called her out dead to rights on some of her past behavior (screaming at the kids, out of control, coming unglued over schoolwork) and she didn't argue against it, but she didn't apologize or show any remorse, either, so whatever this "counseling" is has not given her an ounce of introspection.

At any rate, that's where we are.  I have high hopes that this educational therapist can help my son.  It will probably be the week after next before I can get him out there to be tested and get a program set up, but that gives me time to get him acclimated to the idea.       

[ForeverDad]

I started with alternate weekends during separation and divorce but came out with equal time.  Within a few years I gained full custody due to my ex's obstructions and some "not credible" testimony.  He was already in therapy with a quasi-county therapy agency.  I decided to take our child to a recommended counselor for an assessment.  Of course, I was told a child should not have two counselors.  Made sense, might be some conflicting advice.  But when I asked her, trying to be too-fair despite already having full custody, whether she wanted my ex to bring him too, she got this shocked look on her face, "Oh, no!"

That's my thought.  You're qualified s parent to bring in your son for an assessment.  I ex doesn't join, so much the better.  Invitations may come later but beware of our too-fair qualities that can just make things more complicated.

[Couper]

  Invitations may come later but beware of our too-fair qualities that can just make things more complicated.

That is always looming in the back of my mind largely thanks to the things I have learned here. 

People in this position, particularly full-time school teachers such as this one, must see these conflicts on a regular basis.  She was pretty insistent about including uBPDw and at one point to be more blunt with her (despite having described the situation here) in an email I asked, "What do you do in a case where the parents are divorced or one is just plain uncooperative?" but it either got overlooked or she didn't want to answer it.

Maybe it's just me being biased based on the things I have read here, but I got the sense that if the tables were turned and it was a mother showing up for help, the father never would have been asked about.  They'd just be doing business as usual.  In fact, I think every story about past students she relayed to me was student / mother.

Doesn't matter now.  It's time to pick a day and that day is near. 

[Couper]

We're going out for evaluation on Monday.  She sent some questionnaires to answer in advance.  She wanted me to include uBPDw but at the same time he message also indicated that she may not be able to do them or perhaps I could look over them with her for answers without her knowing the intent, so she must understand something.

I can't see a way to do that so I just filled them out myself.  I can't trust uBPDw to put down honest answers, anyway.

This morning my son got up and went straight to doing a math test.  I guess she told him to do that the night before.  We both woke up at 5:30.  It took him two hours to finish the first page and four hours to finish all three.  The last page was light.  The is agonizing to watch.  uBPDw was apparently up before 8:00 milling around, picking things in the garden, just allowing this to persist like it's normal. 

It only occurred to me this morning that I never see my daughter doing these tests, so I went and had a chat with her.  She's a couple of grades behind him, but now doing the same work he was having the same trouble with back then.  From what I can tell, I think she just blows right through it and goes on her way.

In getting him ready for Monday, I tried to find a gentle way to explain to him that this is the kind of thing that I want to get him help with.  That if he were in a regular structured class that was an hour, that would probably be as long as he had to do all three pages and that's where I'd like to help get him so he can have more fun and not have to spend all morning suffering through these things.  He said, "Then I'm glad I'm not in a school like that because I would flunk" and I explained to him that's not the goal -- that the goal is to help him become more productive so there is more time for fun.  I wish I had done something on my own sooner.  I hate that this has been allowed to persist.  Things like this make me wish he was in a regular school.  Of course, if I was married to a partner instead of a petulant child, something would have been done when I first started expressing my concern about this a few years ago.

From what I can tell, he has been working steady.  First on his bed when he got up and later when he came down to the kitchen.  He was at it for four hours straight.  He hasn't broken away to go play Legos.  He's not staring off into space.  He's not melting down.  Whenever I see him, he seems to be working diligently.  In this case, I can't tell why it is taking so damn long.  However, taking too long is the common thread that I think feeds the peripheral issues.

[kells76]

I can't tell why it is taking so damn long.

Is he the safest from criticism by Mom if he is doing schoolwork?

I.e., is that the place where she is most likely to leave him alone -- if it looks like he is working diligently and with focus?

I wonder if in a subconscious way, he is keeping himself safe.

Let me know if this rings true or if it seems off base. I'm definitely not discounting a "learning challenge" as an "and also" instead of an "either or".

[Couper]

I wonder if in a subconscious way, he is keeping himself safe.

That's an interesting insight.  I don't really know.  I wouldn't discount it outright but I also don't know what else he could be doing with all of that time if he's faking it just to make it take longer. 

Today, for instance, he was up at 5:30 and I don't think she was up until a bit before 8:00.  I could see what you're saying being applicable if he didn't start until she woke up or if she was going to be on his case about something once he was finished with the test and this was a way for him to get her to leave him alone.

Given her past flare-ups, though, it could be that he equates taking longer to looking more diligent.  I shudder when I think about the damage her abuse as done and the mess that I have brought these two little people into.

[kells76]

Today, for instance, he was up at 5:30 and I don't think she was up until a bit before 8:00.  I could see what you're saying being applicable if he didn't start until she woke up or if she was going to be on his case about something once he was finished with the test and this was a way for him to get her to leave him alone.

Given her past flare-ups, though, it could be that he equates taking longer to looking more diligent.

Makes sense that the "taking a long time" isn't an "either or" but could be a lot of things rolled into one. Again, I'm not an expert, so it'll be interesting to learn what the Ed evaluator thinks of all the factors. It could certainly be coincidental that he both has a learning challenge, and it looks like he's being a people pleaser for Mom. Kids do just have their own "thing" no matter whether a parent is disordered or not.

Glad you're taking him in -- it's so, so helpful to get outside professionals shining light on your family situation.

[Couper]

Makes sense that the "taking a long time" isn't an "either or" but could be a lot of things rolled into one. Again, I'm not an expert, so it'll be interesting to learn what the Ed evaluator thinks of all the factors. It could certainly be coincidental that he both has a learning challenge, and it looks like he's being a people pleaser for Mom. Kids do just have their own "thing" no matter whether a parent is disordered or not.

Glad you're taking him in -- it's so, so helpful to get outside professionals shining light on your family situation.

I added your "people pleaser" comment to my list of questions for her.  I couldn't think how to put it into words on my own.

When I shut my eyes and think about every past instance of petitioning with her to get him help, all I can see is her flying into a disordered rage.  If I tried to explain that and later they met her and she's peaches and cream, then I'll get labeled as the crazy one.  I wish this period of time in my life was over. 

[kells76]

When I shut my eyes and think about every past instance of petitioning with her to get him help, all I can see is her flying into a disordered rage.  If I tried to explain that and later they met her and she's peaches and cream, then I'll get labeled as the crazy one.

There may be a way to work with that and have it be a "win win" for you.

Think about it this way.

Your W has done some crazy, disruptive stuff at home in the past.

Wouldn't it be a miracle if somehow, she was pleasant and cooperative with the EdT, and followed the plan for your son at home? That would be good for your son, right? Even if W stayed crazy about everything else at home, if just in that area, she was compliant, wouldn't that be the best it could get?

So, one way to talk about it with the EdT would be something like "we've had some challenges and disagreements about ed support for the kids in the past. My hope is that there would be agreement to follow your plan for Son. Please let each of us know specific "homework" for each of us adults for how we can support Son".

Here is the win-win:

Either: your W wants to present as "amazing, competent, supportive, not the problem", so she complies with the EdT's plan and supports Son in it, but stays crazy about everything else. This means your son gets help and she isn't interfering. So, win for son.

Or: your W decompensates when presented with "HW" and balks at "following the plan". She starts painting EdT black and refuses to participate. EdT then sees through W's behaviors where the problem is, and works with you and Son accordingly. So, win for truth.

That is how I might see it.

[Couper]

Think about it this way.

As usual, you are right about all of it.  I guess I'm just tired of having to think about what is coming down the pike next.  It shouldn't be this way.

[kells76]

I guess I'm just tired of having to think about what is coming down the pike next.  It shouldn't be this way.

It's exhausting. We will never have one of those "mom's house, dad's house" setups where "everyone gets together at Thanksgiving for the kids". It's sad that the covert and overt conflict has continued. It is relentless and I agree with you that it is not right for it to be this way.

I hope you have some moments in life where you can relax and take a break from it all. I have stayed in "hypervigilant, conflict could happen at any moment" mode for ~10 years now and it is taking a toll.

[Couper]

I hope you have some moments in life where you can relax and take a break from it all. I have stayed in "hypervigilant, conflict could happen at any moment" mode for ~10 years now and it is taking a toll.

I do, but a lot of times after I do then it comes with the regret of having to go back.  Or in the middle of it, a text rings in from uBPDw and the bubble bursts.  Almost like I would be better off if I were ignorant that another world exists. 

[Couper]

Earlier this week, S12 and I had our visit to the educational therapist.  He did really well while being examined.  I waited outside, but could hear a good bit through the door, and he was so good with her and her with him.  He went through about two hours of testing.  Still, I would say that she seemed a bit exhausted afterward.   

The testing confirmed serious problems with different aspects of his reading.  His comprehension was very good, but memory was exceptionally poor (0.1 percentile) and other aspects places him at 2 - 3 years / grades (depending on each test's system) behind where he should be.  He scores really high on things that are visual.  She is easing into retirement and wasn't taking on new work, but she said she has agreed to take him because she finds his case to be unusually interesting.

I was impressed with her handling of the whole thing.  She is suggesting a music therapy option and sent us home with materials to start.  It's new to me, but she says she has helped a lot of children by going this route and showed me records she kept reflecting that.  She was very specific about what options she picked.  S12 is not wild about it.  He has to listen for 30 minutes each morning, but he hasn't resisted and has been obedient with it.  The idea is that it reorders your brain to help with concentration and then once that starts to happen you can build out in other directions.

It was an interesting day.  We were there about five hours all total.  That was good because she got to see a lot of him in different situations.  Toward the end he was going out of his mind, bored to the point that he couldn't just sit and sketch in his notebook like he will sometimes do.

Because having taught my kids to read is uBPDw's big "thing" with homeschooling, and the test were principally reading-based, I knew reviewing the results with her wouldn't go well.  She did not meltdown and rage as I would have expected in the recent past, but she was not happy about it.  Dismissive of what was done, etc.  I just kept telling her that there's an obvious problem and the test results support the observation of those problems and it's not something that I will allow to persist.  Despite the face she put on, there is no telling what's going on in the background.

The ET wants to meet her and I'm thinking about allowing it.  I think she wants to see how uBPDw factors into this whole thing.  I'm thinking it's best to send her out there without me.  I've had enough time with the ET now and we really hit it off well.  If uBPDw goes out there all on her own, maybe she'll drop whatever act she puts on with me present and the ET can deal with the real her.  Who knows.  My being there would create a triangle, right?  My absence would prevent her from blaming anything that happens in the moment on me.  The ET said she has one more test she can give him (not essential) and I'm thinking of sending her out there with S12 and letting it rip.  I think it's more for the ET to learn about her than it is to learn more about him. 

   

[Woolspinner2000]

That's pretty interesting stuff, Couper. Fascinating that music will help. It sounds like the ET knows how to help. It's good that you got your son evaluated.

Because having taught my kids to read is uBPDw's big "thing" with homeschooling, and the test were principally reading-based, I knew reviewing the results with her wouldn't go well.  She did not meltdown and rage as I would have expected in the recent past, but she was not happy about it.  Dismissive of what was done, etc.

I heard a statement yesterday that I thought very astute:

You can't speak truth to someone who has a false sense of self.

Wools

[Couper]

You can't speak truth to someone who has a false sense of self.

Thank you for giving me something else to add to the quote list that I keep!   

[GaGrl]

My advice is to let your wife take your son to the next assessment. The person working with your son needs to know the full picture.

[Couper]

My advice is to let your wife take your son to the next assessment. The person working with your son needs to know the full picture.

I agree.  That's where I'm headed with it.  Do you also agree that she should go without me?

[GaGrl]

I agree.  That's where I'm headed with it.  Do you also agree that she should go without me?

I think so. Does your presence have a modifying effect on her when around others? My thought is to let the educational psychologist ( is that the specialist) see your wife's full presentation -- questioning and challenging, how she interacts with your son, how he responds to his mother should she instigate conflict, etc.

[Couper]

I think so. Does your presence have a modifying effect on her when around others? My thought is to let the educational psychologist ( is that the specialist) see your wife's full presentation -- questioning and challenging, how she interacts with your son, how he responds to his mother should she instigate conflict, etc.

For clarification, she's an "educational therapist", not a psychologist.

I think she would behave differently if I were there than without, but given whatever this newfound zen'like behavior is, I'm at a loss to predict how she would act under these circumstances.  I feel like she has learned how to be a more polished passive-aggressive.  I know in the past that, when I 'm am not present, she has been ready and willing to throw me under the bus to create strife between myself and someone else.  Particularly if she is jealous of this person having a good relationship with me.  All I know to do here is try it and see. 

[ForeverDad]

My son had an "in camera" interview with the magistrate and his lawyer, the Guardian ad Litem.  The decision stated simply he was less comfortable when his mother was discussed and more relaxed when I was discussed.

I'm fairly sure the ET will be watching for your son's subtle behavioral changes with her as compared to when you were there.

[Couper]

I'm fairly sure the ET will be watching for your son's subtle behavioral changes with her as compared to when you were there.

No doubt that you are right.  I could tell that she was doing a lot more than just paperwork.  I didn't know what to expect with him myself that day and left happy that he was a model son -- polite, obedient, generally happy.  If there's any shift, I'm sure she will notice it.   

[Outdorenthusiast]

Earlier this week, S12 and I had our visit to the educational therapist.  He did really well while being examined.  I waited outside, but could hear a good bit through the door, and he was so good with her and her with him.  He went through about two hours of testing.  Still, I would say that she seemed a bit exhausted afterward.   

The testing confirmed serious problems with different aspects of his reading.  His comprehension was very good, but memory was exceptionally poor (0.1 percentile) and other aspects places him at 2 - 3 years / grades (depending on each test's system) behind where he should be.  He scores really high on things that are visual.  She is easing into retirement and wasn't taking on new work, but she said she has agreed to take him because she finds his case to be unusually interesting.

I was impressed with her handling of the whole thing.  She is suggesting a music therapy option and sent us home with materials to start.  It's new to me, but she says she has helped a lot of children by going this route and showed me records she kept reflecting that.  She was very specific about what options she picked.  S12 is not wild about it.  He has to listen for 30 minutes each morning, but he hasn't resisted and has been obedient with it.  The idea is that it reorders your brain to help with concentration and then once that starts to happen you can build out in other directions.

It was an interesting day.  We were there about five hours all total.  That was good because she got to see a lot of him in different situations.  Toward the end he was going out of his mind, bored to the point that he couldn't just sit and sketch in his notebook like he will sometimes do.

Because having taught my kids to read is uBPDw's big "thing" with homeschooling, and the test were principally reading-based, I knew reviewing the results with her wouldn't go well.  She did not meltdown and rage as I would have expected in the recent past, but she was not happy about it.  Dismissive of what was done, etc.  I just kept telling her that there's an obvious problem and the test results support the observation of those problems and it's not something that I will allow to persist.  Despite the face she put on, there is no telling what's going on in the background.

The ET wants to meet her and I'm thinking about allowing it.  I think she wants to see how uBPDw factors into this whole thing.  I'm thinking it's best to send her out there without me.  I've had enough time with the ET now and we really hit it off well.  If uBPDw goes out there all on her own, maybe she'll drop whatever act she puts on with me present and the ET can deal with the real her.  Who knows.  My being there would create a triangle, right?  My absence would prevent her from blaming anything that happens in the moment on me.  The ET said she has one more test she can give him (not essential) and I'm thinking of sending her out there with S12 and letting it rip.  I think it's more for the ET to learn about her than it is to learn more about him. 

   

Similar situation here and I finally transitioned my kids (D11 and D13) to public school.  Upon diagnosis, D13 has dyslexia.  Highly creative, good with math but stumbles on the reading portions and is behind grade.  It killed my uBPDw to transition, but I put my foot down as a matter of principle of “they need to live in the real world.”  She is credentialed primary and not middle.  So after a year of meltdowns, huge explosions, threats, and many other scary situations she acknowledges it was the right thing.  Went through some huge identity crisis for her during the last year - so be prepared when that time comes.  Getting help for the D13 now and it is working and reading is improving.  D13 and she were enmeshed and it was hard for both of them, but worth it.