RECYCLING - Is this really common?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I am 2 days out from a split with my ex. She told me in the beginning that she had symptoms of BPD, and I learned about it so I could be informed. Everything was so good - I had never experienced deeper emotional connection, never had more vulnerability, never had such unbelievably honest/direct/clear/compassionate communication. I was (am) so in love with this woman. She knew all of me. Literally all of me.

One day she claimed she was more vulnerable in our relationship, and that she felt like she didn't know me, and that she knew I didn't trust her. She said she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone, and she saw a future with me, but now she just can't see it. It all came out of the blue - right after she had some unexpected results from a doctor appointment. She says none of this is related to the stress of the appointment.  I am devastated. Utterly broken - I have never felt this kind of pain.

 
I've been reading through a few threads here, and I've seen the topic of "recycling." Is this something that is really common? Does it happen in most cases? I'm anxious this will prolong my grief. I've made it clear that I'm closing the door to this relationship - is this a surefire way to make her try to get back with me?  Is there anything I should avoid saying or doing? Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

[lovingmyself1st]

Hello, I am 2 days out from a split with my ex. She told me in the beginning that she had symptoms of BPD, and I learned about it so I could be informed. Everything was so good - I had never experienced deeper emotional connection, never had more vulnerability, never had such unbelievably honest/direct/clear/compassionate communication. I was (am) so in love with this woman. She knew all of me. Literally all of me.

One day she claimed she was more vulnerable in our relationship, and that she felt like she didn't know me, and that she knew I didn't trust her. She said she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone, and she saw a future with me, but now she just can't see it. It all came out of the blue - right after she had some unexpected results from a doctor appointment. She says none of this is related to the stress of the appointment.  I am devastated. Utterly broken - I have never felt this kind of pain.

 
I've been reading through a few threads here, and I've seen the topic of "recycling." Is this something that is really common? Does it happen in most cases? I'm anxious this will prolong my grief. I've made it clear that I'm closing the door to this relationship - is this a surefire way to make her try to get back with me?  Is there anything I should avoid saying or doing? Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi lovingmyself1st, glad you reached out and are actively learning more about "recycling" through the threads here.

I hear you have been and are still in love with her, and I'm also reading this that you shared:

I'm anxious this will prolong my grief. I've made it clear that I'm closing the door to this relationship - is this a surefire way to make her try to get back with me?

Tell me a little more about what you want. Do you want to be done with the relationship?

The pain must be immense for you. Keep leaning on the group here and let us know how you're doing.

kells76

[lovingmyself1st]

I don’t want to be done with the relationship. At all. I wish we were not apart right now. I’m so confused.
But after reading through these forums, I see the pattern so clearly. It’s wild how similar these stories are. It makes me so incredibly sad. I think bpd has to be the saddest mental illness I’ve ever learned about. I feel so much grief for my ex & what she is going through

[15years]

I relate to your feeling that this is a very sad mental illness. They can be such beautiful people but at the same they hurt us so much.

I'm not sure you're ready to take this in, I know I wasn't some time ago. But I really notice how much you're still in her emotional roller coaster. What she is saying to you sounds to me like a lot of disordered fantasies, not being vulnerable enough is something I heard a lot a few years back. She uses "deep thoughts" as a way to cope with her feelings, and a way to make you feel less intelligent than her. That's just my theory based on my own experience. But you sound to me like a vulnerable and present person.

Try to take a step to the side and observe if this is her chaotic feelings trying to make sense of themselves.

I really relate to your confusion, but know that there is a way out of that confusion. It might take time. Posting here could in time help you with that, but also talk to your friends and family, or a mental health professional. Or write a journal. Just get your thoughts out. Don't isolate yourself, I did for 14 years.

Take care.