How long did the replacement last till you were recycled?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How long were y’all together? How long did the replacement last till you were recycled?

Mine ghosted me. But when she did, we were at a really great place. It was shocking. So I could see her attempting to rekindle, even for just a night. We have many mutual friends and occasionally run into each other - but that was when she single and she was out often.

Her ex before me was as she said abusive, but they lasted 5 years.

She went back to him multiple times and strung him along pretty much our entire relationship.

So I wonder if she will always recycle him - and I was just the rebound that took all her problems and was her doormat. She used my emotions the night of our break up to dismiss everything. Painted me black. Smeared me so badly.

A recycle or her reaching out seems unlikely. But I took so much from her I know that will come to mind if her new thing fails.

I’m interested in the process of your post replacement recycles. Did y’all stay in contact during? Was it an out of the blew moment?

[So many questions]

How long were y’all together? How long did the replacement last till you were recycled?

Mine ghosted me. But when she did, we were at a really great place. It was shocking. So I could see her attempting to rekindle, even for just a night. We have many mutual friends and occasionally run into each other - but that was when she single and she was out often.

Her ex before me was as she said abusive, but they lasted 5 years.

She went back to him multiple times and strung him along pretty much our entire relationship.

So I wonder if she will always recycle him - and I was just the rebound that took all her problems and was her doormat. She used my emotions the night of our break up to dismiss everything. Painted me black. Smeared me so badly.

A recycle or her reaching out seems unlikely. But I took so much from her I know that will come to mind if her new thing fails.

I’m interested in the process of your post replacement recycles. Did y’all stay in contact during? Was it an out of the blew moment?

[drumdog4M]

To answer your questions:

We were together approximately 3.2 years, but there was a lot of on again off again periods.

It usually took from between a couple weeks to a couple of months before the recycle occurred.

Often, she was running back to her ex-fiance. He was always looming in the background and apparently willing and eager to be recycled since like 2016.

Her new replacement has been in the picture for several weeks it seems, and I think she's trying to convince herself that he's the "one" or could be "the one."

This latest breakup between us seems different. Maybe because I have less energy or will to be recycled even if she wanted to. I feel pretty broken at the moment. Though it's far easier for them to seemingly move on, she seems pretty upset. Her life spiraling out of control. Fortunately she does see a therapist, but it only does so much and lessens my feelings of being responsible for trying to keep her safe. Though I still want to protect her, even as she hurts me again and again.

If you read the long letter I wrote to her and posted here today, it will give you some sense of my most recent experience with this relationship.

[NotAHero]

 I was discarded and replaced after 5 years and a child together. The things I did for her at at a scale you only see in romantic movies and wild out of this world romantic novels. You are not alone. Just remember this was not your fault or your doing. There was nothing you could of done differently. The relationship with them is a running hourglass.  It’s only a matter of time before you are discarded and replaced. The sooner the better.

 Don’t let it get to you. Don’t lose your career or anything else over it.  If you don’t have kids go no contact. Focus on yourself, don’t worry about what people think. Distance yourself, heal, move on.

[mainecoon]

hey So many questions,

I'm happy to see that you got a lot of support already and I agree with all of them.

What I want to share is my experience with the question of why I happened to feel drawn to these personalities.

I'm 29, my first boyfriend ever has been a pwBPD and NPD when I was 21 and we lasted for 9 months. He completely destroyed me, I was ready to commit suicide, because I felt so horrible, worthless, not able to live without him. He triggered so many things inside of me, "confirmed" so many of my belief systems that I am not good or enough as I am, that I did not see any more sense in this life, as I truly must be a terrible human being, that he treated me like this.
That was when I started therapy, CBT.

My last bf, who I wrote here about as well, was also a pwBPD but not as destructive as the first bf. We only lasted for 4 months, although he wanted to marry me and told his family and friends already, we got a dog together and he wouldn't stop telling me how lucky he was to have me and that he will always love me. Until the moment came, that he turned cold and started to hurt me with words and finally broke up with me very cruelly, like with his dozens of gf before, and told everyone how immature and inexperienced in life I'd be, and had a replacement just a week later.

I had been in therapy again when this happened, depth psychology treatment this time, and read lots of books for partners in borderline relationships and vulnerable narcissism, which most of the partners suffer from. Maybe a thing to look into for you as well?

The key takeaways are, that we partners mostly have suffered childhood trauma like abandonment, physical, emotional or psychological abuse or we had been overly criticised as well, so we adapted and are used to surviving with people who treat us poorly. And everything that is common, feels "good". So we are looking for partners who treat us like we had been treated by our most important relationship partners when we were a child: our parents.
That is why lots of partners don't stay in these relationships despite the BPD but because of the BPD. It feels familiar.
I myself thought I had BPD as well, and this is very interesting: Because people like us do behave like pwBPD in certain aspects: We do believe in this movie like love, we thrive for a soul mate, we think there is someone out there who can make me feel loved the way I am. All this is also BPD thinking. However, pwBPD do have very little, or a non-existent ability for self-reflection. They simply do not realise what they are doing and that it is them who need to fix themselves and not anyone out there.

And this is when we can turn things around for us, by answering these questions:
- What is your childhood trauma?
- What belief systems do you have? (e.g. I'm not enough, I'm not loveworthy, I am a liability, and should be grateful for anyone who tolerates me, ...)
- Who made you think this and why? (your dad or your mum?)

Mostly we kinda try to restage these situations - subconsciously - to solve the issues with our childhood abuser and get the approval we were looking for. We want them - or the "actor", so our partner - to tell us that they love us. This is co-dependency.
When we start to see that this was NEVER about us and that the behaviour of our parents and our partners DO NOT reflect our self-worth, that how they treat(ed) us is just proof of the lack of self-love they have for themselves and that we are good the way we are and that the approval, that we are loveworthy and valuable can only come from inside of us, then we can escape this vicious cycle.
This is when you are no longer dependent on the valuation of others and don't need their approval. Then your choice of partners will change and you will find a healthy relationship with yourself and with other partners again.
But this is a process and it begins with facing the demons from your past. That is the hardest bit, but it is so worth it!

I hope this helped you a bit with understanding what is going on with you, that this is very natural for us to feel this way but that we can escape that. You have been hurt deeply when you were younger and the wounds are still aching. Maybe it's time to disinfect the wounds and stop putting band-aids over it.

I wish you all the best, I know how you feel and there is a way out there! You're not alone.

Cheers,
Maine

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you, that somehow helped me immensely! Hang in there. Better days ahead for both of us I pray!

[drumdog4M]

It sounds like what you learned is helping you to attain some level of closure that many of us are deprived. And it dispels some of the gaslighting. We tend to put our pw-BPD up on a pedestal. They make us think and feel as though we were somehow deficient, did not love enough, did not empathize enough.

The brainwashing is masterful whether or not intentional. Now you have external confirmation that the woman you perceived as a beloved soulmate is deeply flawed and sadly incapable of reciprocating the levels of genuine love necessary for a healthy and stable relationship. Yet, they can mimic the external features of love so convincingly. I feel like it's an act to fool themselves as much as the object of their attention.

My ex pw-PWD, desperately wanted love and to be loved. To feel she was lovable and capable of having a stable relationship. Sadly, I'm not sure that she is capable of giving and even receiving love. Certainly not healthy, reciprocal love. But man could she go through the motions.

It is very hard for most of us in the middle of a discard or coming to terms that we no longer can have our pw-BPD in our lives to conceive of her / him love bombing someone else, much less the mind-blowing sex that seems to be so common. But it is all an illusion, an act, the honey-trap of a succubus working to lure you in, seduce you, dominate you emotionally, break your will to live, and then move on because "you're not meeting her needs."

Though what I wrote above might sound harsh, it is as much to convince myself that the woman I love(d) was all those things. Even if she wished more than anyone else in the world that she was not. She isn't evil, but she is emotionally reckless and incapable of empathy when triggered.

I hope what you learned helps you have more insight into the reality of her, rather than the illusion of love that she and your mind created.

You certainly have my empathy and support.

[So many questions]

Drumdog
I read your letter and wept. It is my story.

I too am the reason we ended. I too was pushed to my limit and humiliated time and time again. I too reached an emotional breaking point after lies, cheating, disappearing, and constantly breaking up with me. I too was trying to stop her from making an impulsive decision, (breaking up with me drunk then her driving across town black out wasted), only for it all to explode in my face. I didn’t want her to get a DUI or wreck. She was in a very scary state of mind. I didn’t want her to disappear again and go crawl in bed with someone else. I didn’t want her to break up with me for the 10th time in 2 months.

I should’ve just let her go. Let her end it. But I tried to stop her. I pleaded. I took her keys. And in doing so I triggered something. Next thing I know I’m getting punched in the face relentlessly in her front yard. Then the cops show up.

After, she told people I beat her up. I WOULD NEVER. I have never. That broke me. But for 3 months she still recycled me in secret. Which I’m now thankful for as it’s proof I never did the things she said.

 Until I was finally replaced. Her perfect exit really. I feel so foolish. So used up. So manipulated. She controlled me. She knew, I knew it. Now I don’t exist.

But the most screwed up part? Deep down, I want her back. Her good moments are so incredible, so mesmerizing, they outweigh the bad. She’s high functioning so there’d be times we could go a couple weeks with no problems, unless there was drinking.

The times she wasn’t effected by her mind are seriously the most amazing times of my life. I can’t get those out of my head. I can’t convince myself it wasn’t real. I often disassociate when around people and just day dream of being on the couch, making her laugh just to see that perfect smile,  kissing her full lips, holding her soft hand, and listening to her talk about anything at all.

Honestly, those were the greatest moments of my life.



Maine - thank you for your support. I have trouble with figuring out my codependency and where it stems from because I came from a really good family. I was a trouble maker though and somewhat the black sheep of the family. Maybe it’s that? My parents were amazing and loving, but I never felt I could be real with them about my issues because I didn’t want to offend them. I’m really not sure

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

Thank you for your words. They were so validating for me to read. It is almost as if we were in a relationship with the same woman. How tragic but fascinating that many of us have such similar experiences in these relationships.

It was my taking her keys that triggered her so badly. The hitting and shoving me, fortunately not my face. Then calling her ex-fiance who is still being strung along and recycled / used as a foil now nearly 8 years later.

It seems like the involvement of alcohol or other drugs is so common as well. She self-medicates with it but cannot control it, notwithstanding multiple in patient alcohol treatment programs. You cannot treat alcoholism when the root cause is BPD, but she does not accept that diagnosis, even though she received it "based on the description of her behavior when she was young and out of control."

Thank you again. I'm sorry my letter made you cry, but I hope it is part of your journey toward healing. Reading your experience certainly makes me feel less alone and misunderstood. My friends who have not been in a relationship with a pw-BPD just don't get it at all. As such, they tend to just dismiss it as a bad break-up.

And yes, I miss those times sitting on the couch doing nothing but staring at her perfect face are among the hardest to let go. Seeing what I thought was true love in her her eyes. Until it wasn't. And it's so hard to reconcile that she is both the woman who adored me but also abused me. Two sides of a beautiful but broken person.

[So many questions]

Drumdog,

Don’t apologize. I wept because of how much I related. It really helped and hit me in a sensitive spot. I’m not sure I’ve related to anyone’s story more than yours.

Just like you, she recycled her “abusive” ex of 6 years many times during our relationship. Whenever things were bad or she was wasted around him.

Just like you, my friends think it was just a bad break up. They don’t understand why I want anything to do with her or why I am struggling so bad.

Just like you, she couldn’t control her alcohol.  Those first 2 drinks she’d be so happy and loving. But the happy chemical effect a drink gives you, lessens with each drink. Until they no longer give you that spark. So you keep trying to find it and end up black out wasted and sad. That’s when all her built up emotions flooded out.
You could legitimately see when it switched. Her eyes became different, and at that point, watch out.

Her friends gave me subtle hints to her chaos but I didn’t listen as they were also chaotic.

She said she was diagnosed OCD, had an eating disorder, and was on anti-depressants but quit cold turkey as we started dating (mistake). I think she manipulated her T. She denies BPD but there really is no other explanation. 2 of her closest friends are diagnosed with it.

I’m very lost in it all. I tried SO SO hard to make things work. I was a doormat. I could do no right. And I was okay with it because the good moments, even though it was just on the couch with my gal, were like nothing I’ve ever felt.

Where are you at in your healing? Does she still come around?

[So many questions]

Thank you, that somehow helped me immensely! Hang in there. Better days ahead for both of us I pray!

I’m glad I could help in someway as this forum as really really helped me through some times. I pray for your journey friend, it is not easy. But we are strong for sticking it out. Some wouldn’t. I know I considered not

[So many questions]

but she is emotionally reckless and incapable of empathy when triggered.
.

This exactly. It wasn’t like my ex was just 24/7 bad. But when she was triggered, nothing mattered and there was no telling how long it would last. No logic, reason, explanation. Nothing could reel it in.  And what triggered her could be the way I said something. How I looked at her. Something very trivial.

I finally learned walking out the room for 20-30 minutes worked sometimes.

I was a replacement to a guy she dated 6 years. We were texting and being inappropriate long before she even moved out from their place. So I’m not sure why I’d think I would be any different. That saying “you lose them how you got them” seems to always be true.

You mentioned brainwashing, I feel so warped and bound and confused. I have such an illusion painted of her in my head when the reality is she never really once treated me how I deserve. She just took advantage of my love and used me up until she had a valid excuse to discard.

One day I will thank my replacement for allowing me to look forward and make my hopes less and less realistic.

Eventually the fantasy will fade

[drumdog4M]

I think intermittent reinforcement plays a huge role in the difficulty in letting go as well. If they were just bad, it would be much easier. But they are good and bad wrapped up in the same person -- sometimes the woman of your dreams and then with almost no provocation your worst nightmare.

I was a replacement too for a man she'd lived with for a couple years. I did not realize what I was dealing with when I got hooked. Even knowing, it's hard to let go.

"Eventually" cannot come soon enough my friend.

[So many questions]

That’s so true. I spent most my time when we were in our relationship trying to figure out what I needed to do to please her or why we could not seem to find a consistent stretch of good days. It was all I would think about. I was chasing that next positive moment. Like a mistreated dog and his owner. I was a lab.

I had such bad anxiety constantly that I would upset her.

She’d go off, break up with me and turn over. Next morning, she’d cook breakfast and sex and cuddling, like nothing ever happened.

That will drive someone crazy and to the point of not seeing anything clearly. I don’t know if they do this by design, or it’s just the disorder.

This disorder keeps me hooked. I start thinking “it’s not her fault it’s the disorder. I love her enough to accept it and know she isn’t meaning to hurt me”. It’s really unhealthy

I’m someone who needs answers, reason, logic. So the fantasy may never fade because the answers will never come.

I wish so badly I could just forget it all. I really do. I love her. Deep down, I want her back but know I can’t. But I’d much rather have every memory of her completely wiped from my brain.

[drumdog4M]

You should watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" if you haven't seen it. If you have, consider rewatching it.

I think those of us who fall for and are prone to manipulation by pw-BPD are like Labrador retrievers as you said. We want to love. We want to see the best in a person. We forgive and forgive. But, we allow ourselves to be mistreated.

I know there are various theories of why we are susceptible to this. I too had what seems like a very happy childhood. My parents were quite loving, but I do think my mother in particular was quite fragile. I often was trying to protect her feelings or rescue her, once I was an adult.

Part of me wonders if it engendered in me a subconscious need to rescue the people I love, especially women. It's not a bad quality, but I understand and try to accept that I must save myself first. If someone is drowning, you have to be careful that their drowning does not drown you in the process.

I realized through therapy that I'm anxiously attached and have co-dependent tendencies. Most of my other adult romantic relationships just didn't trigger these things because they were with mental healthy women.

I cannot recall if you have a therapist. Therapy can be helpful, but I do not think that many therapists have first hand experience with BPD particularly from the perspective of the partner of one. So, it can be frustrating when I have more knowledge about the disorder than the therapist, though she is certainly more objective than I can be.

You asked about where I am in healing in the other thread. It's like one step forward two steps back to be honest. I had been LC with her for about 6 weeks, and I was coping pretty well. Then two weeks ago she started love bombing me, recycled me, slept with me multiple times, only to then immediately go back to the guy from Tinder she'd started sleeping with. Then it culminated in the night described in my letter. The whole thing set my recovery back dramatically.

Though very difficult to implement and adhere to, I do understand why the survivors here advocate NC. I'm not ready for that yet. I hope one day I'll be able to.

I'm pretty sure her therapist has told her to stop contacting me, which she seems to be doing for now. As much as it upsets me, I do think she gets upset too by the wanted to be with me but not feeling able to as well as my refusal to completely jump into the abyss with her. She feels rejected over and over.

We are leaving one another alone for now. The best I can do is love her from afar as I heal. One day I hope I will wake up and if not forget her, not yearn for her and what we could have had if she'd not suffered from BPD. But certain elements of her BPD traits might well have been part of what made me fall in love so absurdly hard. We are overcoming an addiction.

[SinisterComplex]

That’s so true. I spent most my time when we were in our relationship trying to figure out what I needed to do to please her or why we could not seem to find a consistent stretch of good days. It was all I would think about. I was chasing that next positive moment. Like a mistreated dog and his owner. I was a lab.

I had such bad anxiety constantly that I would upset her.

She’d go off, break up with me and turn over. Next morning, she’d cook breakfast and sex and cuddling, like nothing ever happened.

That will drive someone crazy and to the point of not seeing anything clearly. I don’t know if they do this by design, or it’s just the disorder.

This disorder keeps me hooked. I start thinking “it’s not her fault it’s the disorder. I love her enough to accept it and know she isn’t meaning to hurt me”. It’s really unhealthy

I’m someone who needs answers, reason, logic. So the fantasy may never fade because the answers will never come.

I wish so badly I could just forget it all. I really do. I love her. Deep down, I want her back but know I can’t. But I’d much rather have every memory of her completely wiped from my brain.

I think many can empathize with you here and I certainly understand wanting her wiped from your memory. Sure it would make things easier. However, I have to play devil's advocate here and tell you ultimately that may seem like it would be a good thing, but it wouldn't be. Here is why.

You wouldn't grow. You wouldn't learn. The same mistakes would be repeated. I understand very well how hard these relationships are, but you have to change your perspective and ask yourself why is this happening FOR YOU and not why is this happening TO YOU or why it happened TO YOU.

Yes you still have to grieve, but in time when you allow yourself to really heal perhaps what I have said here will make more sense and maybe help you.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[So many questions]

Drum -

I’m gonna look that movie up tonight. I’ve committed to not going out or drinking for a couple weeks; as it makes things so much worse. So movie recs are great.

We have lived weirdly similar lives, even down to out attachment styles. If anything cause some setbacks in my childhood, it would be my mother fragility. Instead of understanding my actions sometimes she would let them  would hurt her or take it personally, even if not directed at her. But she was so loving and a wonderful mother - just a complicated mind and emotional much like me. They were very religious which I think added some pressure.

Honestly, I think I’ve always chased what my parents have. Happily married, never fought, kids, house.  I’ve desperately dreamed of having the same. So when I find someone saying “i want to marry you and have a family” a month into date like my ex, I’m hooked.

I wish I could buy you a beer bro and just give you a huge hug. I know how this stuff feels and man, it almost caused me to take my own life. So glad I didn’t. Im here for you. 

I think you should consider NC. I don’t really have a choice since mine didn’t respond to my requests 2 weeks ago. But I still could try. Im leaving it up to her. If she contacts me, I will decide my response  by what she says. But your ex seems much less shameful in playing all sides - so maybe try it out for 2 weeks.

Sinister - thank you for the honest reply and you’re right. There’s a pattern in my life of choosing very broken, toxic partners. I’m a saver. And this experience has taught wow buddy you need to wake up. I have to break the cycle. I have to heal. I can not be a codependent any longer.

I’m just hurting every second of the day and exhausted. I’m just exhausted I’m every word of the sense. Thank you for your support though.

[drumdog4M]

Please let me know if you do watch and enjoy the movie. Maybe one day our paths will cross and we can have a beer. I'm near DC.

FWIW, my ex is pretty highly functioning, did a year of DBT, and sees her therapist every two weeks. She's also on a number of medications, including anti-depressants and I think some mood stabilizers.

She's trying to experience a life worth living, but it interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, are really hard for pw-BPD. She wants a normal life with a partner, a home, maybe a child -- like her siblings have. But she just keeps destroying every chance she has for it. Then running away and trying to begin again with the next guy.

It's painful to be in our shoes, but it really is sad. At least we can try to leave our experience with BPD behind us. Sadly, they cannot.