Family Conflict Help?

[butter81fly]

Hello! I am new here and I'm hoping for a place to get new ideas and skills as well as get and give advice as needed.

I had a situation happen yesterday where I got put in between my parents. My mom has BPD and my dad deals the best he can but I know he struggles a lot in knowing what to do. I want to type out what happened but not fully feeling safe yet, as this is my first post. I have a really hard time setting boundaries with my mom and she scares me emotionally. But basically something happened where I feel like I should have stood up for my dad and didn't because of my fear of my mom. Now I'm not sure if I should tell my mom how I really feel or just stay out of it.

Sigh. Family stuff is hard enough without BPD...I wish I knew how to help my mom better. And my dad for that matter. Thanks for reading!

[Notwendy]

Hi and welcome. Your situation is not unusual- I think many of us here have felt the same way about wanting to help a parent in this situation. It's understandable that you don't want to post too much personal information about what happened, and if you do, It's always wise to not post anything that can identify specific people. But even without the details, the dynamics between all of you follow a pattern.

First, while you understandably feel you should step in to help- know that being in that position is a part of dysfunctional relationship dynamics. The conflict is between your parents. Bringing you into it is triangulation. I think it's important to learn about these dynamics before stepping in to "rescue" a family member. You may feel you didn't meet expectations when you were put in a position between them but it's not your conflict. It's their role to deal with it themselves.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I think it would help for you to learn all you can, ask questions, and understand your family dynamics before taking actions.

I hope you will find this board to be helpful. I also have a BPD mother. I know it was difficult for my father at times ( he is now deceased ). My BPD mother can be scary too.

[beatricex]

hi butter81fly,
Welcome to this board, you have come to the right place.  I assume you still live with your parents and they're married?  Are you a kid or adult?  Only answer if you feel comfortable.

I have a BPD mom and my Dad has really struggled for most of his life with her blaming him for things.  Also, raging at him.  I think Notwendy's advice is wise, it's best not to get in the middle of this, as that's "their stuff" and it's not "your job" to work out "their stuff."

Please post more if you're comfortable.  Glad you came here.  I am in a group (not affilliated with this site) for adult daughters of BPD moms and it's extremely helpful to actually talk to others who get it.  Over the years I have found very few friends who understand mental illness, much less BPD.  Sometimes you gotta get it all out to feel better.
 
b

[WalkbyFaith]

Welcome Butter81fly.
I'm sorry you found yourself in this complicated situation, but glad you reached out for support here. Many of us on this forum truly understand what it's like to have a mother with BPD and we are here for you.

[butter81fly]

Thank you to all those who replied, it was very helpful and I feel less alone. I am an adult daughter and I don't live with my parents, but I'm not married and I'm very close to them both. My therapist thinks I need to hold better boundaries with my mom but it's extremely difficult for me for several reasons. Anyway, thank you all and I look forward to being more involved here!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi butter81fly,

I wanted to say welcome, but was waiting to see if you were a teenager living with them or an adult, as I would have responded probably a bit differently in the former situation.

Welcome !  

Lots of people with so much wisdom here. From the moment I discovered this site to today: it was a journey of self-discoveries and rising self-awareness, and I hope this community brings you the validation and support we too often missed as young children.

I understand it being difficult to set better boundaries. For me, I ended up going no contact this week, and still now, my brain is bringing me in places of empathy, like part of me is trying to steer me toward opening the door and making me feel guilty, forcing me to see things from her perspective because this is how I was raised... and especially with how BPD is being portrayed these days, often as real victims and in so much pain. And they are, I get it, but this specific message, I feel, makes it very hard for us, the children of the borderlines, to see ourselves in all of this. For me, anyway...

We are in a very hard situation : we could never be children, we were therapists, rescuer and sometimes persecutors, but never ever seen for the real victim we were, not of life, but of them. My mother can now acknowledge my life was difficult, which is more than many here will experience, but she cannot acknowledge that she was the one behind the difficulty of it, she says she is fine now because she stopped drinking and she is a good person, but she cannot see that she is still being abusive and making my life difficult by her constant needs of seeing and hearing from my children (daily), her crisis and emotional manipulation when things don't go her way, her hatred of my father and how I am "like him" the second I don't agree with her, her constant competition with everyone. She is a master victim, and will create drama around herself, then expecting us to pause our life and jump in to help.

And she doesn't do it on purpose, that's the hard part with BPD. But still... abuse is abuse, triangulation is triangulation. And the further away I got from her, the better I feel, even though part of me still feel guilty as hell for 'abandoning' her... It is hard for us. What my friends could do healthily (become independent and live their life without fear of being guiltripped because they did not call enough, or because their life took them out of town), I could never do without a threat of suicide or a crisis build-up where I needed to save her.

Distance helped my perspective on things and yes, boundaries are very hard. For me, they seem impossible right now because of my C-PTSD, which is why I went no contact, not out of anger but truly to heal and be the best person I can be in my everyday life. Someday, maybe I will be able to instigate a healthy contact with her, and with strong boundaries in place, a much needed protection against their emotional dysregulation, but not right now, because right now: I do not know myself enough.

And I am not trying to stir you toward no contact, mind you, just sharing my experience. The way we all deal with our BPD mother is very different and is personal to each of us. We all have different stories, different mothers, and different self.

Would you like to share a bit more about how and why you find boundaries difficult right now? Maybe we can help.

[Notwendy]

I understand it is hard to have boundaries. It's important to keep in mind that boundaries are about us, not them. It's protecting our values and what we consider to be of high value to us, such as our privacy.

One idea you may be struggling with is your purpose. For me, my BPD mother sees me in terms of her needs. It's common for a parent with a PD to see their child as an extension of themselves, not a separate person with needs of their own. It may be that you have neglected your own needs for the sake of "being loved" in your family. This makes sense, we want our parents to love us.

Loving yourself may feel "selfish" to you, especially if your mother sees it this way.

I don't know what you do for your own self care but one boundary is to carve out some time for you. During this time, you are not available to your mother. It could be something like taking a class for fun, joining a group in your community, whatever you are interested in.

While the focus is often on the disordered person, a key to getting less enmeshed is to focus more on you.

[butter81fly]

Notwendy, thanks for your response. My mom is often giving me advice on how to love myself more and is very into energy and healing work. She doesn't seem to realize how condescending and hypocritical this is coming from her. I think you're absolutely right that I have neglected my own needs for the sake of being loved in my family. I am not honest about who I really am. I stay silent when it comes to conflict and potential conflict. For example I've left our religion and it's been almost 20 years ago and I still can't talk to either parent about it. I need to do better with self care for sure.

Riv3rW0lf, thanks for your response as well. It sounds like you're going through a rough time of your own right now. But I agree with what you said and sometimes no contact is the best answer at least for a time. I don't think me and my mom are at that point yet but this is kind of the first step on that road if that makes sense. I can see it getting there if I say anything to her...it scares me.

Honestly what happened wasn't even that big of a deal and I keep talking myself out of even worrying about it anymore. I'm having a lot of anxiety about it though. Thanks for everyone's input! I really appreciate the help.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Honestly what happened wasn't even that big of a deal and I keep talking myself out of even worrying about it anymore. I'm having a lot of anxiety about it though. Thanks for everyone's input! I really appreciate the help.

I've told myself that countless time... It's not that bad, maybe I am too sensitive.

I just hope you are not gaslighting yourself. Because this is too often what happens when in close relationship with a pwBPD. We are so used to it that they don't even need to gaslight us anymore, we start doing it to ourselves after the trauma sets in...

[Notwendy]

I am not honest about who I really am. I stay silent when it comes to conflict and potential conflict. For example I've left our religion and it's been almost 20 years ago and I still can't talk to either parent about it. I need to do better with self care for sure.

It would not make a lot of difference to my BPD mother if I was more open about sharing my feelings with her. They would mainly cause her to dissociate.

It may not be necessary to share your religious views with them.

More importantly is that you are honest with yourself. You left your religion but there's more to religion than what you believe. A religion can also provide a community. If you left a community, do you have one now? If not, you may want to consider another religion or interest group.

It's not uncommon to feel we don't know who we are, as we've had to make ourselves into what our parents might have needed in order to avoid conflict. You know you don't believe in the same way they do- but do you know what belief (or none) fits you? What sorts of things do you like to do?

Don't dismiss the conflict you just had. You felt bad about it. You matter. Doing more for yourself, trying new things- these are ways to figure out who you are.

[livednlearned]

basically something happened where I feel like I should have stood up for my dad and didn't because of my fear of my mom.

Did stuff like this happen when you were a kid?

If you felt this way as a kid, you might be feeling an enormous amount of obligation, fear, and guilt that took root when you were too little to have much agency to actually do anything.

My son's father (my BPD ex husband) used to parentify our son as a child, treating him like a peer and confidant. It has taken years of therapy to help him recognize that he was doing smart things to survive his dad -- like pretending to be asleep, going along with things, not disagreeing, listening even when the topics were inappropriate. My son felt guilt about one event in particular and eventually experienced relief when a therapist pointed out he was very clever for playing possum during an episode when his dad was fully dysregulated.

Does that resonate with you? It seems from your post that you feel responsible for taking care of your dad, and guilty that you didn't say something. Is that a dynamic that happened often for you growing up?

[butter81fly]

Livednlearned--

Thanks for pointing that out, it's actually a very good point. Interestingly enough I always stood up for my mom growing up. It's changed as I've been an adult though to being more aligned with my dad. My mom parentified me as a child and often told me issues between her and my dad. My dad and I weren't very close as I was growing up but we are now. My mom and I have struggled a lot with boundaries over the years and I think it's put us in a more hesitant type of relationship. I've also learned more about BPD as an adult and I have a lot more resentment toward my mom than my dad. I think this issue has just brought up a lot of stuff for me that I haven't been facing and it's hard.