What would you do?

[Justapotato]

Hi, new here… finding it hard to not be able to have normal conversations with friends about my boyfriend as Norma rules most definitely don’t apply, so need advice from those in the same boat.

My boyfriend has bpd and his fear of abandonment is were it shows most. We are together pretty much 24/7 too but that’s because we are travelling rather than because we can’t be apart.

When the mood turns he can become very hard to be around, shouting false accusations, insulting me and sometimes getting agressive. Rather than argue back I try and diffuse the situation by walking away and leaving him to himself to ‘calm down’, however this just sends him even more crazy as the fear of abandonment kicks in. But to sit there and take the abuse is beyond me, I only have so much patience.

When I haven’t been able to leave this can go on for hours and it’s not like I can just put my earphones in or read a book, he wants full attention. I feel walking away is the best thing I can do but he says it’s the worst… what am I meant to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PhoenixKnight]

I’m probably not the best person to give advice here. I had the exact same scenario with my recent ex girlfriend. I constantly walked the tightrope between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment for 18 months. I tried talking it out, walking away to give her time, diffusing the situation and letting her explain why she felt so emotional. None worked long term. The best short term solution was to take whatever she said and try to show her that I was listening. Usually however this meant accepting fault and her (often ridiculous) double standards. It wore me down.

The last 3 weeks of our relationship I set firmer boundaries, she broke up with me saying she felt like I was going to leave her and had stopped loving her. Neither were true. I’m in no contact now 4 weeks, although she reaches out every few days to which I respond kindly but shortly. I can’t keep holding onto a relationship that makes me ill.

I suppose I’m as interested as you in the replies you’ll get here. Everything I read about a solution involved setting boundaries whilst still communicating you care. It didn’t work for me, but at least I’m no longer on constant eggshells and stuffing down my own emotional needs out of fear.

I just wanted to say I understand your frustrations and wish you luck in your journey. It’s good you are asking for support. Best of luck to you.

[waverider]

You have to walk away for your own sanity. However their fears are you wont come back. It is best if you reinforce you will be back within a certain time frame. If things still haven't improved then repeat. 

pwBPd are stuck in a now is forever mindset and abandonment is often something they have experienced time and time again, which leads to their fears. They cant see past you walking away.

They may be slow to adapt to a pattern of behaviour, but they can still adapt with constant and consistent reinforcement, it just may take a lot of repeats to do so.

It is far better to walk away before you "loose it". Leaving it till too late or staying will make things far worse

[Justapotato]

Thanks for your replies guys. Yeh I feel walking away is the right thing to do but I suppose once a mood reaches that stage there is no nice ending until it blows over. And sticking around for the pain isn’t going to change that, better to take care of my own needs.

Been reading one of the BPD workbooks. Wish there was a ‘How to’ manual for friends and family.

[Cat Familiar]

For “how to” suggestions, take a look at the Tools at the top of this page.

[Buddy Joe]

Been together for almost 4 years now. First 2 years every single time we had a difficult patch and tells me to leave, I chose to stay. This was actually appreciated by her. There came a point that she got very irrational and jealous of my friends who surprised me for my birthday, she screamed the hell over the phone despite me messaging her right away that my friends surprised me at work. Called me a liar and so many other things. That I knew they were coming that’s why I didn’t accompany her with her errands, which she can do on her own. I decided to not go home and drink the night away to forget momentarily all the hurtful things she accused me for.

THE NEXT DAY a mover called me to ask for me to come down and get my stuff. There was a truck filled with my personal belongings that I left in her house since we were already living together for more than 2 years at that time. To my disbelief and the disaster/dishonor this brought to my family, I was stunned with what she did. It was so impulsive! I tried contacting her but I got blocked.

Ever since then when we got back together and tells me to leave, I do go home to our other house and recharge. It may be selfish to think of yourself more but you need it or else you will lose your mind. Forcing yourself to stay beside her doesn’t always result to something good. Either you suck it all in when she makes you feel bad or you just be quiet and let her finish.

I still find it hard to stay or leave when she asks me to go home.