Ex killed himself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi. I haven't posted for a few years - used the name Tibbles but couldn't remember my password so re registered. My ex husband was undiagnosed BPD and killed himself 5 days ago. We've been apart 7 years. I went no contact but he still sent me emails. His niece has posted a tribute to him of her facebook page that I just read and I am so angry and figured the only ones who would understand are the people on here. So this is basically a venting.

So basically her post was full of if "some one answered his calls, showed compassion" maybe he would still be here. FFS. The family believed his stories, believed every word he said, basically myself and his kids (who also went no contact) are responsible for what he did. Bulls%$. We tried so hard for so long for so many years before I left. He told us so many times we were a terrible family and he deserved better and without us he wouldn't have to work and could find a better family and have a better life. I left and he did just that. Travelled around Australia, went through 300K which is what he got from the sale of our house, living where ever he liked, doing whatever he liked. Never found the mythical better family by the way. Contacting the kids and myself many many times, despite us all changing phone numbers etc, threatening suicide as a means to drag us back into his sphere of influence. Us going through the worry, if we do nothing and he does it, how will we live with that, if he doesn't and he is back in our lives, how will we live with that. After 7 years he ran out of money, suicide was always his go to and he finally does it and we are painted as the bad guys. BPD is such a horrible illness. It takes away your loved one slowly but surely and replaces them with a crazy person, with crazy ideas and such a manipulative sick way of looking at family. I really loved that man and so did his children when he was sane but he left and the most horrible person took his place. To the world he shows the lovely hard done by man who was a really good father and they believe it all. If his niece really wanted to pay a tribute - talk about mental illness, how those with it don't realise and can't get help and how it destroys those around them.She has no idea how hard we all tried, what it cost us, what it will cost the kids all their life. F@#$ me. So I have spent the day fuming and reliving the trauma we all went through. I really thought I had gone through it all and come out the other side. BPD - the gift that just keeps giving! Thank you for reading and understanding. I wish you all well on your journey with this terrible illness. May we all come to terms with it and find peace in a way that works for us. (But seriously - after 7 years it comes back to bite me on the butt. FFS!)

[Tibbles]

Hi. I haven't posted for a few years - used the name Tibbles but couldn't remember my password so re registered. My ex husband was undiagnosed BPD and killed himself 5 days ago. We've been apart 7 years. I went no contact but he still sent me emails. His niece has posted a tribute to him of her facebook page that I just read and I am so angry and figured the only ones who would understand are the people on here. So this is basically a venting.

So basically her post was full of if "some one answered his calls, showed compassion" maybe he would still be here. FFS. The family believed his stories, believed every word he said, basically myself and his kids (who also went no contact) are responsible for what he did. Bulls%$. We tried so hard for so long for so many years before I left. He told us so many times we were a terrible family and he deserved better and without us he wouldn't have to work and could find a better family and have a better life. I left and he did just that. Travelled around Australia, went through 300K which is what he got from the sale of our house, living where ever he liked, doing whatever he liked. Never found the mythical better family by the way. Contacting the kids and myself many many times, despite us all changing phone numbers etc, threatening suicide as a means to drag us back into his sphere of influence. Us going through the worry, if we do nothing and he does it, how will we live with that, if he doesn't and he is back in our lives, how will we live with that. After 7 years he ran out of money, suicide was always his go to and he finally does it and we are painted as the bad guys. BPD is such a horrible illness. It takes away your loved one slowly but surely and replaces them with a crazy person, with crazy ideas and such a manipulative sick way of looking at family. I really loved that man and so did his children when he was sane but he left and the most horrible person took his place. To the world he shows the lovely hard done by man who was a really good father and they believe it all. If his niece really wanted to pay a tribute - talk about mental illness, how those with it don't realise and can't get help and how it destroys those around them.She has no idea how hard we all tried, what it cost us, what it will cost the kids all their life. F@#$ me. So I have spent the day fuming and reliving the trauma we all went through. I really thought I had gone through it all and come out the other side. BPD - the gift that just keeps giving! Thank you for reading and understanding. I wish you all well on your journey with this terrible illness. May we all come to terms with it and find peace in a way that works for us. (But seriously - after 7 years it comes back to bite me on the butt. FFS!)

[babyducks]

I am terribly terribly sorry to hear this sad news.   Unfortunately, many suffers of this illness do end their lives and its tragic for all involved.

I'm sorry that facebooks posts are involved in the grieving process.    This is a traumatic event.     and people's first reactions to trauma are not usually well expressed.

I'm going to say what you probably already know.   You were in no way responsible for his actions.   Not while you were together.   Not after you parted.     It's a serious mental illness.   

my condolences.

'ducks

[Tibbles]

Thank you. Feeling better. I think I felt so dismissed - just like in the relationship. All the love, all the care, all the effort, all the pain myself and the kids went through as we all tried to understand and support him was just wiped away. Which is what the illness does - it takes away our loved ones and destroys those that love them. Such a terrible illness.

[Turkish]

Though family, a niece would tend to be pretty far removed from knowing an uncle well. It's sad that she's being passive aggressive on social media in the midst of this tragedy. It's a dysfunctional method of coping and of course hurtful to you and the kids.

A nugget of wisdom I read from an elder member here years ago was something like, "it's good to realize that no one is coming to save us." Unfortunately for a pwBPD, the search is often for just that.

[kells76]

Hi Goedel. Rage and anger at the injustice of a pwPD being celebrated at their funeral, while the true victims sit in silence, is understandable. It was the same with my mom's dad. I went to the service only to see family, and it was infuriating to hear him celebrated as "a community leader" when he abused his children.

I think I felt so dismissed - just like in the relationship.

Of course you would; anyone would in that situation. Maybe invalidated too? like what you felt and went through didn't matter and would get no airtime next to his "amazingness, charisma, victimization", or whatever.

To the world he shows the lovely hard done by man who was a really good father and they believe it all.

Yup. It makes sense why you'd be fuming.

Which is what the illness does - it takes away our loved ones and destroys those that love them.

Yes, I think you nailed it -- PDs pervert normal loving family relationships and leave toxicity and destruction in their wake. It is truly, truly a tragedy, and you and your kids are left picking up the pieces as best you can, without recognition.

...

How are you and the kids doing today?

[Daisy Green]

Ohhh this sounds so hard.  I can very much imagine the entire scenario. 
No wisdom to share, just compassion.
Take good care of yourself: self-care is how we regain our power.
Sending good energy.

[Tibbles]

Thanks everyone for your support. Feeling a bit better. Was feeling very dismissed, as if all our pain meant nothing. Anger slowly going. Realised today I was also angry that he didn't get better, though I knew it would never happen. A small part of me hoped he would realise the kids and I weren't the problem, that he was still miserable without us and get help. That he would move past his illness and we could be friends again. Funny how one still hopes, even after all this time.

So now its about making peace with what happened, and moving forward. Going to take some work. Still, got through the breakup, divorce, can get through this.

Thank you all once again x

[EZEarache]

So I have spent the day fuming and reliving the trauma we all went through. I really thought I had gone through it all and come out the other side. BPD - the gift that just keeps giving! Thank you for reading and understanding. I wish you all well on your journey with this terrible illness. May we all come to terms with it and find peace in a way that works for us. (But seriously - after 7 years it comes back to bite me on the butt. FFS!)

Holy crap, post-mortem blame shifting and guilt tripping! So sorry you're experiencing this. Try to be strong for your children. I'm sure it's still tough on them, even if they had enough as you described.

[WhatToDo47]

So sorry to hear this! Nothing you or anyone could have done, sadly. If you had tried to help more, you would have just been more hurt and damaged. Lean on your family and you are all in my prayers, even him and all those lost.

[Couscous]

Wow…his family sound about as ill as he was.

I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. It really does seem like a gift that keeps on giving.

Something I read in book by a family systems therapist that really took a lot of weight off of my shoulders went something like: If someone really wants to kill himself, there is nothing that anybody can do to prevent it.

BPD, at it’s heart, is essentially just a pathological need to blame other people for one’s own misery, as well as the complete abdication of personal responsibility for one’s happiness. And since it’s a family disease, just like alcoholism, it’s no surprise at all to hear that his family are looking for someone to pin the blame on.

Take good care of yourself.

[WhatToDo47]

Wow…his family sound about as ill as he was.

I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. It really does seem like a gift that keeps on giving.

Something I read in book by a family systems therapist that really took a lot of weight off of my shoulders went something like: If someone really wants to kill himself, there is nothing that anybody can do to prevent it.

BPD, at it’s heart, is essentially just a pathological need to blame other people for one’s own misery, as well as the complete abdication of personal responsibility for one’s happiness. And since it’s a family disease, just like alcoholism, it’s no surprise at all to hear that his family are looking for someone to pin the blame on.

Take good care of yourself.

Excellent points and description of BPD. I'll have to remember that. Thank you!

Tibbles, hope you're doing well and taking good care of yourself and your kids. We are all here for you!