Message from estranged aunt

[WalkbyFaith]

Not sure what to do with this! I cut contact with my uBPD mom and FOO a couple months ago. I have talked to both my grandmas (omitting the details) about it to try to maintain some relationship with them.

Last week I got this message from an aunt on my dad's side, who I haven't heard from in years, due to conflict between her and my parents. The last contact I'm aware of - what she mentions here - I only heard about it from my mom's perspective. Her story was that my aunt "attacked her" for no reason and "said horrible things to her." That's pretty much all I got. My dad's side of the family has their own drama of course, so at the time I believed my mom, but lately as I've come to recognize more of my mom's issues, I have questioned the validity of the story. This message makes me wonder even more!

Sorry you have had a rift with your family, as it makes it very hard on you. as you know, your mother and I have issues, and she blocked me from her, your dad, and the 2 youngest girls, so I removed all of you so she couldn't keep up with what I'm doing.  I love seeing pics of you guys when I'm at mom's.  My account is deactivated so you can't pull my name up, unless I'm online. I have messenger on my phone though, and it's always available.

I'm not sure whether to respond, not respond, or how to take this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Well... What was your relationship with this aunt before the rift?

[butter81fly]

How did she hear about your rift? Through one of your grandmas? It makes me wonder if she's aligning with you now that she knows you're not in contact with your mom. There's a lot of missing information so it's hard to know what her goal is, thereby making it hard for you to respond. A lot is up for interpretation. I guess the question is do you want a relationship with your aunt? If not, probably don't respond at all. That would open the door for all sorts of stuff. But if you do, maybe just ask her what led her to reach out. Anyway, good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[Notwendy]

I also got the impression that this aunt has been estranged from the family and may be reaching out for connection.

There's no telling where this could lead, but it could lead to something positive. Your mother's story that this aunt "attacked her" may be only from your mother's perspective.

It may not lead to something positive. But you don't really know unless you give it a try.

This is up to you. I'd want to know, personally, but I also would be guarded and not reveal too much personal information. Mostly, I think I'd want to hear her side of the story and take it from there.

Some distant cousins were contacted by someone who found them on a genetic 23 and me test, and while it didn't lead to a close relationship, the person just wanted to know who their family was. After meeting them, this person felt a bit emotionally overwhelmed and asked for distance to process the information. I don't know if they have reconnected or not. But I think people have an emotional need to know who their family is.

We hear about closure. Maybe your aunt wants to share her side of the story. BPD mother has said things about me to her FOO. I wish I could share my side of the story with them but I can't as long as they are enmeshed with her. So maybe your aunt feels a need to clear up the situation with you.

You are still in control on your part. If this aunt seems to be disordered herself, then you don't have to continue the relationship. Or you can choose to not contact her at all.

[WalkbyFaith]

What was your relationship with this aunt before the rift?

Little to none. I could count on one hand the number of times I've seen her in my whole life. She lived on the opposite side of the country from us when I was growing up (plus obviously her and my mom didn't get along) so we just didn't know her. In my adult life I've seen her once or twice and we were cordially connected on Facebook before this thing happened between her and my mother.

How did she hear about your rift? Through one of your grandmas?

Yes, I assume my dad's mom told her. She is still in relationship with everyone in the family (to my knowledge) except for my parents, my siblings, and myself, due to the conflict from a few years ago.

Thanks for the advice. I may respond with something quite reserved/guarded and just see where that leads. I certainly don't want to be pulled into any more drama.

[lm1109]

Little to none. I could count on one hand the number of times I've seen her in my whole life. She lived on the opposite side of the country from us when I was growing up (plus obviously her and my mom didn't get along) so we just didn't know her. In my adult life I've seen her once or twice and we were cordially connected on Facebook before this thing happened between her and my mother.
Yes, I assume my dad's mom told her. She is still in relationship with everyone in the family (to my knowledge) except for my parents, my siblings, and myself, due to the conflict from a few years ago.

Thanks for the advice. I may respond with something quite reserved/guarded and just see where that leads. I certainly don't want to be pulled into any more drama.

I think the extended family thing is extremely difficult when you grew up with a disordered mother who was in conflict with others. I understand your reservations about responding. I am sort of on the other side of this...possibly considering reaching out to a few family members that I was mostly disconnected from due to my Mom fighting with everyone. However, I'm on the fence about it. I am specifically thinking about reaching out to my uncle(my dads brother) I suppose it's mostly to get perspective on who my Grandmother(Dad's mom) really was. I wasn't allowed to be in contact with her because my mom had actual hatred for her..however...this Grandmother continued to send my brother and I birthday cards, Christmas gifts every single year until she passed away. She always wrote that she loved us in the cards. She was the ONLY extended family member to keep trying and it was really meaningful to me.. especially since we grew up sort of poor and sometimes those were our main Christmas gifts. My mom would scoff at them every year...but it meant a lot that she never stopped trying and continued to tell us she loved us. Knowing now how much my Mom projects...I wonder how much of what I was told was simply projections. I also regret choosing not to go to her funeral as a teenager... considering she continued to try all those years...I suppose I also want my Dad's side of the family to know I am sorry for not paying my respects.

I certainly don't want to be pulled into any more drama.

I suppose, for me, I'm just craving some insight.. .but this Uncle may very well be weary to get "involved" with me and fear getting pulled into drama as well...and I honestly wouldn't blame him.

Just wanted to give you my opposite take on it...your Aunt may have always wanted relationships...but felt unsafe reaching out until she heard you were also in a rift.

I hope it works out for you...I suppose we never know unless we try

[Mommydoc]

I think your approach is thoughtful WalkbyFaith. I wouldn’t even try to figure out “Why” and just be open. Hopefully your grandmother is well intentioned and shared with her with hopes there may be some mutual benefit from this reconnection. You are smart to be a little cautious and not over share, perhaps mostly listen. It could be a very insightful perspective for you. Or not. Given your aunts estrangement from your mother, it seems low risk for your mother to find out/get triggered. Given the history of drama on your fathers side of the family, her story may be very different and the truth may be something in between. If you sense drama, I would definitely distance yourself.

[zachira]

I am an estranged aunt because going low contact/no contact with my NPD sister makes it complicated for me to have a relationship with her adult children. When my sister's children were little, my sister was very jealous that her children liked me, and did her best to convince her children to dislike me. When I was still in contact with my sister, I wrote my adult niece and told her how proud I was of the kind of person she had become. Months later, my niece wrote me to tell me she had the card on her wall. Now that I have ended the relationship with my sister as best as I can, my sister and her husband are on the war path against me and smearing me to anybody who will listen. My niece has told me, she thinks the emails I sent to her parents were awful ( about ending my relationship with them), and I can understand how she is not yet capable of seeing her parents for who they are, though she has said how they brought her up was wrong (groomed to be a narcissist in my observations).
I know that I love my sister's children and I have a special love for them that comes from being their aunt. It seems aunts and uncles love their nieces and nephews because they are the back up parents if anything were to happen to their parents. Your aunt may really care about you, yet knew she could not have a relationship with you when you were younger. Now she has reached out, and by responding, you may find out what this is about. Hopefully there is a real possiblity of building a healthy loving relationship with her.