Therapist for child

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Several of you have recommended taking our child to a therapist. I've gotten some pushback from my ex, my attorney, and even several therapists saying that unless there's a major behavioral or developmental issue with our D, we either shouldn't take her to a therapist at all (my ex and lawyer are saying that) or it can only be short term (several therapists have said that). I think building a relationship with a therapist is really valuable for any child of a divorce, whether there are any red flags right now or not. Am I missing something here?

For those of you that have sent your kids to a therapist, I have a few questions:

- How old was your child when he/she started? If he/she was young, was your child alone with the therapist or were you in the room?

- Were there any significant behavioral or developmental issues your child was having at the time the therapy started?

- What was the frequency of the sessions your child had?

- How long has your child been seeing this therapist?

[alleyesonme]

Several of you have recommended taking our child to a therapist. I've gotten some pushback from my ex, my attorney, and even several therapists saying that unless there's a major behavioral or developmental issue with our D, we either shouldn't take her to a therapist at all (my ex and lawyer are saying that) or it can only be short term (several therapists have said that). I think building a relationship with a therapist is really valuable for any child of a divorce, whether there are any red flags right now or not. Am I missing something here?

For those of you that have sent your kids to a therapist, I have a few questions:

- How old was your child when he/she started? If he/she was young, was your child alone with the therapist or were you in the room?

- Were there any significant behavioral or developmental issues your child was having at the time the therapy started?

- What was the frequency of the sessions your child had?

- How long has your child been seeing this therapist?

[scraps66]

I have been through many fits and starts with therapy for a now S17.  I can say with a high degree of confidence, none of this therapy helped at all.  In fact, S17 would even admit that his behavior got worse while going to therapy.

There are reasons, or a reason, and it has to do with exNPDBPDw.  I have an equal degree of confidence that mother fears therapy for the children in that it could be a mechanism of revealing an issue within the family dynamic - her psychological state of mind.  In the times I have taken S17 to therapy, mother never wholeheartedly participates.  Or not at all, not taking him to appointments, not taking him when he says he doesn't want to go, etc.  Our own court-ordered coparent counseling ended up being nothing more than an opportunity for ex to collect data that she would use against me, i.e. discussing things I said in meetings with S17, this also goes for meetings with school.  Again, during coparent counseling S17s behavior declined to the point he was moved to a different school.  Coparent counseling is supposed to help?

Current situation, S15 has been vaping and smoking marijuana.  Three weeks ago I suggest a pediatrician suggested local program to help "us" get past this.  It would be paid for through healthcare - which is provided by ex.  I call, find out all the particulars, but can't confirm reimbursement for this out-of-network therapy through ex's healthcare.  She baulks, misdirects, and does nothing.  Two weeks go by, last weekend, another setback, I find a THC vile in my bathroom, and fairly certain S15 is vaping.  I again suggest the program for S15, the response, "What have you done about that, did you schedule an intake, why haven't you moved this forward?"

I am split on what her game is, is it in part, or all, just simply another example of invalidating my suggestions? Or, is it that she is afraid of someone pointing a finger at her, that her instability is contributing? 

So, long story short, I wouldn't suggest not getting therapy.  But be aware and beware, if ex is an obstructionist it could be the case that he will sabotage for the reasons I've presented.

Also, my case involves alienation, so if your bond with daughter is strong, that could overcome the games ex may play.

I'm a little offput with the opposition by therapists and attorney?     

[I Am Redeemed]

My child was 5, almost 6 when he started therapy. There were behavior issues. He has always had "big emotions" and it was nearly impossible to redirect him. His tantrums included crying and screaming for 30 minutes or more and throwing or breaking things. He also would destroy things when bored. He had zero frustration tolerance and if something didn't go his way, he could not let it go and his mind seemed "locked" on it. He also had behavior issues in daycare and in school after starting kindergarten last Aug.

He started play therapy last September and was diagnosed with ADHD, hyperactive type. The therapist usually talks to me before and after the session and takes him to her office alone for the actual session.

I don't know why your lawyer thinks therapy is a bad idea. However, the therapists saying short term therapy are probably going on the idea that brief counseling might be appropriate for a child (or adult) going through a stressful life change event that requires an adjustment. Beyond that, there would need to be a reason for the therapist to continue treatment, because the goal of a good therapist is to work themselves out of a job with a client.

[kells76]

I'm a little offput with the opposition by therapists and attorney?   

Pushback from ex is to be expected, of course

It is odd that your L would also be opposed. Can you ask if there is a legal or "appearance" reason in your area why doing "preemptive"/relationship-building T for a child would be "bad"? I.e., in your area, is a parent taking a "healthy" kid to therapy "a bad look" somehow, for legal or custody reasons?

...

To answer your questions:

- How old was your child when he/she started? If he/she was young, was your child alone with the therapist or were you in the room?

DH's girls were probably ~8 & 10 when they did T. We weren't sold on the T at first, as it was a Mom pick, but after about a year she really got Mom's number and realized which adults were the obstacle. At those ages, yes the kids were alone with the (female) T, though from what I remember hearing, the sessions were a mix of kids alone, kids together, kids with one parent, kids with other parent, etc.

- Were there any significant behavioral or developmental issues your child was having at the time the therapy started?

Older SD was more and more physically and overtly resisting spending time with DH, and Mom would not enforce.

- What was the frequency of the sessions your child had?

I think it was once a week.

- How long has your child been seeing this therapist?

I think it was ~2 years total. I wish they were still going to that T, as SD16 still has anxiety issues and SD14 still "escapes" reality in various ways, but that's not my decision to make.

...

One thing to keep in mind --

There's no law that says that you on your own can't meet up with child T's and see what you think of them for your D "at some point in the future". You can also meet with child T's on your own to run developmental/behavioral questions past them and brainstorm best practices for avoiding those dev/behav issues, given your D's family setup. That might be a good workaround to "it's a bad thing" (somehow?) to send your D to T (even though I'm with you, I disagree). You still as the adult get the benefits of the child T's insights, but you avoid whatever the issue is with sending D. And you get to interview/build that relationship for if/when D needs to go, so it's not both of you "cold starting" with a new provider at the same time.

[zondolit]

Hi!

Therapy is for people in difficult situations, to help them through, not just for those with mental illness.

My two pre-teen children are in therapy. My younger child is not, which is partly a financial decision.

The therapists (each child has their own) first met with me and my uBPD husband without the child. Now they meet biweekly with the children. Sometimes they call whichever parent accompanied the child to join the session for five minutes at the beginning or end. The therapists seemed to suggest that we start with three months of therapy.

My children have no behavioral or developmental issues. They are top students academically, socially adept with both friends and adults, funny, delightful to be with, helpful around the house, and involved in theater, robotics, sports, and music. As such it can feel weird to bring them to therapy. I tell them and my husband repeatedly, "Nothing is 'wrong' with them. But they are in a difficult environment where they feel the stress of our high-conflict marriage, and they need a 'neutral' person they can talk with about this."

My family of origin, with whom I've been very open about my marriage in the last two years, and my own therapist advised therapy for the children. I felt such a sense of relief once they began. I believe we need this support. Frankly, I think anyone can benefit from therapy. I see it as investing in their well-being, just like paying for piano lessons and teaching them how to do their own laundry.

My husband is uneasy about the children being in therapy, to put it mildly. It took months of discussion before he agreed to it. (I'd decided they should be in therapy regardless of what my husband thought but decided to try to get his buy-in first.) I was able to listen carefully and be curious about his reasons against it. I learned he is very fearful that they may be diagnosed with something and that this would become a "label" that defines them for life. (My interpretation of this, which I keep to myself, is that this is a projection of his fears about himself onto the children.) I was able to tell him that if they do receive a diagnosis, then this will allow for the treatment they need. I continue to repeat my line: "We have a high-conflict marriage and the children feel this stress and need someone other than us to talk to." It was very helpful just to have the high-conflict marriage part out in the open.

As I've become increasingly aware that I am in an abusive marriage, the children being in therapy becomes a lifeline: the therapists become so important in modeling and questioning and correcting abusive patterns, which are so very confusing to those of us who are targets of the abuse. I don't want my children to think their father's behaviors are normal.

Additionally, if we do divorce, I think therapy is essential to help with the huge transition that divorce is.

The children's response to therapy has been mixed. But I'll save that for another post if people are interested.

[scraps66]

So busy venting I didn't answer the question.  My S17 was in first grade when I first attempted therapy.  Have a funny/weird story similar, the custody master objected (had to go to court because ex wouldn't agree to therapy), wouldn't approve therapy for S17 at the time.  She did however respond with a "you two are going to get psychologically evaluated" essentially to make sure one of us wasn't the problem.

The therapist, the interviewing part is really important.  We went to a few places, even describing the situation, or even if I picked a certain T myself, they would just give you to the next available T that needed billable hours.  Wasted a lot of time with this.  Then there is, for me, the BPD component.  If the T wasn't aware of or knowledgeable of BPD it gets really difficult to accomplish anything with ex sitting in the same room.

[ForeverDad]

My then-separated spouse started my almost 4 year old son in therapy without my knowledge.  (That young it was largely play therapy.)  However, though she was facing a charge of Threat of DV at the time in one court, family court gave her temp custody and majority time.  I refer to that conundrum as courts viewing a person as though two personas, an adult (facing a charge abusing a spouse) different from a parent (default preference for mother of a preschooler).

I only found out when insurance mailed me a 3 month recertification.  The agency refused to share any information with me, their only basis being that my stbEx had temp full custody.  They felt they had to ignore that I had long alternate weekends with my son, unsupervised.  Why?  Because of her claims and posturing.  That was her sole goal in therapy, to gain negative advocates.

By the way, my divorce lawyer told me court loves counseling.  I add this because you shouldn't get discouraged if some seem to discount it.  Yes, it may not seem to help much for some, and some counselors are clueless or gullible, but overall it should be positive.

It was not until we had a Custody Evaluator, that surely spoke with them, that they let me sit in on some of his Head Start preschool days.  Court and lawyers were not interested in adjusting the temp order, but after 2 years in divorce, I walked out with Shared Parenting.  It was only then that we parents alternated taking our son to counseling sessions.  Eventually she dropped out.

A couple years after the final decree I sought and became Legal Guardian (sole custody) and then later majority time.  His counselor imagined the counseling could end, clearly believing the conflicts would subside once the divorce was over but his mother never stopped playing blame games.  Finally, after several years, he 'graduated' from counseling.

Counseling was good for my son, he had a reasonably normal advocate during his early years.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I will just speak from experience and ... Just what my guts tell me, and it could be very wrong. But because it was so very true for me, it could somehow apply and help other children.

I was in a very difficult setting as a child. Parents were separated, my mother hated and still hates my father. She was an alcoholic, and on top of that, she frequented a pedophile for a while who took a liking into coming into my room at night. You would think someone, a specialist, a teacher would have picked up on that, right?

Wrong. I started displaying issues at home with my father: trouble sleeping, night terrors, gaining weight, panic attacks... But at school and with strangers: I was the most polite little girl, and I achieved very high scores in school, I played very well with others. I only started having real issues in school when I became a teenager. It is as if, as a young child, I was still internalizing what was happening, without realizing it consciously, because I simply did not have the cognitive ability to do it. I was a child, wired to play and to learn from the environment. Suffering from it, but not really able to talk about it.

If I had met with a therapist, I don't know that I would not have fooled them too, because I wasn't aware of the level of abuse I was actually drowning in. It was just life, and I was coping to the best of my abilities.

In the end, one thing really helped me, and my father is the one that made sure it happened: he enrolled me in piano classes.

So... While I didn't talk much, I started composing music. And to this day, I am convinced this played a HUGE part in healing and not continuing the cycle of abuse my family is in.

Sometimes, seeing a piano teacher will do more good than a therapist, especially for children...

Just my thoughts anyway. Giving a way for your children to convey their emotions, even when they don't have the words for them can go a very long way in helping them through the bad times of their life...because children often just don't have the words to express what is happening.

Today I am doing a master thesis in science, have two beautiful children and a husband that is not perfect but good enough for me and kind hearted. I made it out. And I know my father buying a piano for me, and always buying me arts crayons and paint played a huge part in my recovery from all this abuse. I could express my pain through music and art, something I could never have done with words.