4 years out

[Baglady]

Hi BPD family,

Posting 4 years out after a horrendously brutal and savage discard after a 27 year marriage.  I don't post as much on BPD anymore, check in irregularly, and have really moved past a lot of my initial raw neediness after my very undesired divorce.  I credit this group and some really incredible people on this site for getting me through the roughest stages of my discard as well as a therapist who was (and still is) invaluable.  I'm updating for those who are in the initial rotten stages of being discarded - just some thoughts/experiences this far out.

- Things have gotten better for me but still I miss being married so much.  I'm still single.  Tried dating just prior to COVID - online dating for someone in their 50's after a lifetime of marriage (even to a BPD) is not for the faint-hearted - LOL.  One lovely coffee date to a really nice man but zero chemistry, one date to a complete nut job (borderline pedophile), one man too scared by my BPD-ex to engage further, and a couple of dates with a promising guy that petered out due to the stresses of the necessary distancing of COVID. I haven't gotten the courage to get back on that horse yet post-COVID.  I HATE online dating and practically barf prior to the most innocent of coffee dates so have just avoided this whole issue.  Cowardly, pathetic etc. I know BUT I am enjoying a really peaceful if somewhat lonely life without a relationship.  My trust of males is at ZERO after my experience.  A guy just doing the dumbest kindest thing (i.e.,  allowing me to go in front of him in line, helping me lift heavy objects etc.) brings me to tears.  I'm just not familiar with men being KIND to me and I'm fearful and wary of males for the most part after my experience with my ex.  I yearn for a relationship but my real fear of being abused trumps this yearning hands down, time after time.  I'm starting to resign myself to a life of being single from this point onwards.
- what kept me going throughout my ex's insanity was my child.  I poured ALL my energy into keeping things as stable and sane as possible for him.  This effort has paid off in dividends.  We have a really tight bond.  He was able to finish high school at an amazing school in an expensive school district.  I took on a crazy high mortgage after my ex's psychotic break (bought him out of the house) in an effort to keep my child at this high school.  When all hell was breaking loose, I was determined to keep things as stable as possible for my child.  Life continued as normal as possible when he was with me (I practically starved myself when he was at my ex's in order to afford the house, his school and the stability it afforded to have his same friends and routine).  This in spite of the fact that my ex-in-laws are multi-millionaires who left me high and dry immediately after my discard. My son is in college now and has just experienced a major success in his field (world-wide acclaim) so things look really good for him and I could not be happier.
- Four years out, I don't give a flying fig about my ex.  He's a pathetic excuse of a human being.  I'm so sorry my child has him as a father.  He is spiraling downward with every year.  He is so lost and I couldn't care less at this point.  I'm an empath who doesn't so much as hurt a fly (I gently pick them up and release them out of my home) but I care more for road kill than I do for my ex.  I'm not proud of this fact AT ALL.
- I have an insanely tight circle of friends (mostly female) to whom I credit my continued existence on this earth.  They have kept me going through it all.  I would lay down my life for anyone of them in a heartbeat.  So many times I have wished I was not straight but alas - LOL!
- I will forever be grateful to the amazing humans on this site for their support but I still feel gobsmacked at the fact that there is little-to-no support for BPD survivors in real life and that so many people remain in complete ignorance of the existence of this horrendous but hugely destructive disorder. 
- I recognize that I will likely be in therapy for the rest of my life.  Due in large part to my ex but also in part to my early history with a dysfunctional family that primed me perfectly to engage with my ex in the first place.  And I'm ok with this fact.
That's it.  All is not amazingly better but it's a LOT better.  I still deal with a lot of grief and  that surreal feeling of WTF that my ex put me through because of his BPD psychotic break four years ago.  I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to make sense of it all.  I so regret ever meeting him in the first place.  Things are so much better but I don't know that I'll ever shake off the horror of it all.  I envy people that go through life with no experience of BPD in any way, shape or form.
Best wishes to all,
B

[Phoenix910]

Thanks for sharing this. I wish nothing but continued success for you and your son. You ought to be proud of the person you are evolving into. Proud that you came out of this traumatic situation twice the person you were before. Proud that your son is not a product of the environment he was previously in. Clearly your sacrifice was not in vain. You go girl! Pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to something nice because of your hard work!

On another note: Although I wasn't married to my BPD ex and our relationship was very short lived, I too resonate with the feeling of being scared to date full throttle because of the fear of being abused/traumatized again. I experience loneliness, but every time I try to get my feet wet I shrink at the thought of dating again. Sigh I guess it's just not my time. It may never be, but in the meantime all I can do is work on myself.

Thanks again for sharing! 

[Turkish]

Baglady,

Thanks for returning to update your story and also to provide leadership. You should be very proud of yourself that you guided your son towards a positive path in his life.

A guy just doing the dumbest kindest thing (i.e.,  allowing me to go in front of him in line, helping me lift heavy objects etc.) brings me to tears.  I'm just not familiar with men being KIND to me and I'm fearful and wary of males for the most part after my experience with my ex.  I yearn for a relationship but my real fear of being abused trumps this yearning hands down, time after time.  I'm starting to resign myself to a life of being single from this point onwards.

I'm kind of with you on this in that I can relate to it (is there an agenda here? Am I being used?), but it's sad that past trauma is a bitter inertia that limits our potential to be happy.

[Tobiasfunke]

Same

[Baglady]

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement 

I semi-jokingly ask my friends where is the dating website or even a meet-up group for the fragile among us?  There's lots of support for people with so many quirky, out-there and truly niche interests but I want to join the "psychologically been through the wringer and need to be handled with care 'cos one more hard-knock relationally could do me in BUT I still have a lot to offer to kind and decent people" gang. 

Wish Brene Brown et al. would get busy creating this kinda group!

Best to all,
Warmly,
B

[tina7868]

Thanks for sharing your story!

As much as I have been all gung ho about throwing my hat in the ring when it comes to re-initiating contact with my ex with BPD, at times I pause and remember the painful cycles, subpar treatment, and anxiety, amongst other aspects.

It's nice and inspiring to hear from someone who shook off a relationship that was longer than mine and has come to a place where you're so far removed from your ex you couldn't care less what they think.

Wishing you the best 

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for checking in! Always helps to hear from those further  along in the process. I know you have a bright future ahead of you (and so does everyone here) as long as they keep doing the hard work to heal and being compassionate to themselves.

I share your disdain for online dating haha

[Sluggo]

Thank you for sharing.  It took me 5 years to start feeling willing and open to dating. It was worth the wait as I have met someone...  we were in a family camp both as single parent ...  was not expecting to anyone there.  

Had I met her before 4 years post divorce ..  I would not have been interested .  

What I enjoyed in my single time...  I could really develop deeper relationships with many others.  I had so much time to be a friend to a larger net of people. 

Sluggo

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you for sharing.  It took me 5 years to start feeling willing and open to dating. It was worth the wait as I have met someone...  we were in a family camp both as single parent ...  was not expecting to anyone there.  

Had I met her before 4 years post divorce ..  I would not have been interested .  

What I enjoyed in my single time...  I could really develop deeper relationships with many others.  I had so much time to be a friend to a larger net of people. 

Sluggo

Congratulations on the new love in your life!

It helps to know that, even if it does take years, we can and will have healthy romantic relationships again if that's what we want.. Helps me remember to not give up and to keep healing and being a friend to all those I can. You never know what good things and relationships God has in your future.

Was there something in particular that helped you become ready again, or just time and the right person?

[Sluggo]

Was there something in particular that helped you become ready again, or just time and the right person?

Therapy, reading about and understanding my codependent behaviors which helped fuel the dysfunction, letting go of the false hope of thinking things would change, reconnecting with friends from my youth which helped remember who I was, being able to look people in the eye again and not feel so beaten down, time helped a lot while doing all the above.

Sluggo

[WhatToDo47]

Therapy, reading about and understanding my codependent behaviors which helped fuel the dysfunction, letting go of the false hope of thinking things would change, reconnecting with friends from my youth which helped remember who I was, being able to look people in the eye again and not feel so beaten down, time helped a lot while doing all the above.

Sluggo

Thank you! This is the same recipe for recovery that I've been following and it seems to be helping. I'll keep cooking!

Thanks for the reassurance that it really does work. Each and every ingredient is proving to be vital and valuable.

Have a great day, friends and take care of yourselves! We all deserve healthy, happy love. And while I pray everyone with BPD gets healed, I know it's unlikely and all we can control is what we do.