New here Help with SIL

[ExhaustedandSad]

 

Hello! New here - thank you for having me! Re reading "Stop walking on eggshells"

I suspect my SIL has BPD/NPD and it is really taking a toll. She is my husband's only sibling. My SO and MIL see that there is something going on but they only say "she has a mental illness (my mother suspects she is bipolar) and what do you want me to do". She has strained relationships with most of the family, has no consistent friendships and has not been able to keep a job. I feel as though the people closest to her find some justification for her behavior and have not set boundaries - and things are only getting worse.

She and I used to be very close and speak almost daily (she said we were best friends) and then when I married my husband 10 years ago everything changed. Over the years there have been quite a few situations and up until 2 years ago it has pretty much just gone ignored. I was gaslit constantly. I didn't pay much mind to the individual situations because (A) I was made to believe I was wrong in the scenario and (B) I didn't think I had a choice in the matter. I have forgiven multiple attacks until the most recent which I just cannot get past. After reading the book so many situations over the years make much more sense. I have been dealing with these situations and signs my entire relationship without really knowing it. Two years ago I was healing from a traumatic birth experience and postpartum hemorrhage with newborns as COVID began. She wanted to visit and I voiced concerns about this as it was cold/flu season and we didn't know much about COVID and it has been an argument since - even though she was allowed to visit, hold my babies and stay in my home. During this visit, she cornered my in my home and forced me to listen to all of the ways I offended her. Since then she has attacked me on social media, been verbally abusive, argumentative, begged for forgiveness only to then give me the silent treatment and bring up how I was wrong for the above scenario - the rollercoaster is exhausting. After this visit, I found out from my MIL that she made light of my birth trauma and showed no empathy and that was incredible hurtful. I say all of this to give you some background.

She lives about 1000 miles away so I don't have to actually see her often but when she does visit - she stays at my home (my MIL lives with us). She is expected to visit this month and my anxiety is through the roof. Every time she visits there is drama and I end up crying, hiding in my own home and just mentally and emotionally drained. I have voiced that I do not want her to visit my home but my MIL basically just says I need to accept it and she won't start any drama. My husband has tried to help to no avail.

I guess I am looking for help from others who may have experienced similar. I am new to those so please forgive me if I am not making sense.

- Am I wrong for not wanting her around me and my children? - She hasn't put them in danger that I know of but has been verbally abusive multiple times (my kids range in age from teen to toddler). This is something I do not think my children need to be around but I am not sure if it is my pride/ego

- When she visits I am expected to either stay in my section of the home or act like one big happy family - are these really my only options?

-  Feel less lonely, isolated or judged, Learn what to expect

Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you!

[livednlearned]

ExhaustedandSad, welcome and hello!

Your traumatic birth experience must've been heart-wrenching, and with Covid breaking at the same time -- how awful. What a lot you've been through these past few years, I imagine healing from that experience hasn't been easy. How are you and your babies doing now?

Having a BPD family member is hard enough, much less managing these other difficult life events, and can overshadow other *real* challenges where we want and need to focus our precious attention.  

My pwBPD is my stepdaughter and I could've written word for word how you feel about having your SIL stay with you. I, too, felt I had to hide in my own home and my anxiety was off the charts just anticipating her presence.

Whether she can stay with you or not is a lot to tackle at first. Sometimes it's helpful to focus on small things you have control over. Small wins will help you gain confidence and you'll gain a lot of insight into how your family responds to (good) change. Would you say SIL's tirades of verbal abuse are the hardest? What are some small things that aggravate you, that you have some semblance of control over? Ideally, these are things that your reasonable H and reasonable MIL will see makes sense, and is hard to argue with, even if they sense a power shift.

With my pwBPD, I imagined a cup that represented my energy. If it was empty, I focused on filling it. This wasn't a warm and fuzzy kind of thing -- I had to fight for it and make some changes that people resisted. If you have people pleasing tendencies and have a tendency to put other people's needs first at the expense of your own, this can be a radical change. Everyone has a different comfort level for making these changes. What is a tiny little change you can make that puts your needs first? I found it was best to not offer up these changes for negotiation. I simply announced something or even better, just did it. When my cup was full, I was able to spend time with SD, or do something generous.

Everyone fills their cup in a different way. For me, I did not interact with SD in the morning. I avoided the kitchen and instead stayed in my room and meditated, did yoga, listening to music, read books that helped me feel compassion. I even set up a coffee station in my bedroom  and created a wonderful little nook just for me. For you, it might be more challenging because of the age of your children, which means it might be more important. What is something you can do that helps you shore up some strength and self care? Everything else will sort of rest on this foundation -- as busy as you are, as central to the home that you are, there is probably something, and it might take real effort to claim that time and space and self-preservation.

Your MIL doesn't sound like she'll be an ally, and your H probably isn't either because he's tangled up in a dynamic involving 3 women. That doesn't mean you won't make headway, it just means you have to use different methods.

You're at the beginning of becoming the emotional leader for your family unit, with all its dysfunctions. You're the one willing to see something for what it is and learn the necessary skills. In my family, it worked best to work small and expand. By the time I figured out I was on my own, I didn't discuss my plans, I planned them carefully in advance -- I'm embarrassed to admit how much pre-planning I did   and set myself up for as much success as possible.

For example, your SIL is likely seeing most interactions with you (and others) as an opportunity to get herself in a one-up position. She will likely be measuring her worth based on setting up loyalty binds, trying to ensure her family (MIL and H) pick her over you. It will take some planning to disassemble the setups she's put in place.

Feeling like disempowered in your own home is the long-term effect of these setups.

That means figuring out ways to eliminate those interactions the best you can. Usually you can tell what those things are because you feel like you're out of your mind with exasperation, usually disproportionate to the thing. They don't have to be rational and actually, the reverse can be true. The smaller they are, the worse you feel. Other people may think you're complaining about nothing but to you, it's a battle to the death.

An example for me was around meals and meal planning. I was the primary cook -- SD likes my cooking. A lot. There was a lot of minutiae about why things started to feel like a win/lose situation when it came to meals, but the short version is that I realized if I wanted to eliminate the win/lose setup, then I no longer cook when she's in our home. H is a 50/50 partner kind of guy so it wasn't hard for me to say, How about you and SD come up with a meal plan and I'll join you for dinner if I'm free. Obviously, your circumstances are different but there is likely a setup that's in your power to change.

Keep in mind that the tensions SIL creates between you and MIL and the tensions between you and H is what she is *winning* at. Winding you up and seeing you feel disempowered in your own home is *winning*. It may not be conscious -- she might be focused on such primitive coping that she doesn't even realize it. Doesn't matter, because even though she's the one rocking the boat, you're the one who will stabilize it.

 

[ExhaustedandSad]

Hi livednlearned!

Thank you for responding and for asking how we are. The babies are thriving - growing so fast and so smart! I am taking it day by day - some are better than others.

Your insight has been helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I would say the verbal abuse is amongst the hardest. That combined with feeling disempowered in my own home/family. The times she has tried to isolate me are hurtful when accepted by others (if that makes sense). For example, when my MIL will call me to say SIL is cooking a thanksgiving dinner for her brother and his children - and seeing nothing wrong with this statement.

The energy cup is a great way to think about it and I am going to reflect on what some possible changes are. I think I may consider blocking off the evening as this is a time a cherish with my kids and want to end the night on a positive note. I have to prepare myself for the resistance I know will come with this. I expect my MIL to push me to have us spend time as one big happy family and blame me if I resist. My H although supportive will agree with her demands to avoid a greater conflict.

I really have to think about what I do for self care, sometimes its just listening to a podcast or music, maybe a show but so much of my time is in what I am doing for someone else that I can’t pinpoint anything I do consistently. As horrible as it may sound, I can’t even remember what I used to enjoy doing.

I am also a planner and I think to an extent, I may have to adopt the method of not discussing my plans just starting small and doing them. I do feel quite alone in my family so it is a bit daunting to have to tackle some of these issues.

Your comments about the interactions being an opportunity to one up and feeling disempowered in my home have made me feel seen. Finally seen. I have felt so alone and questioned myself so much for so long over all of this - The winning is something I have battled with - on one end because its uncomfortable and I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL and consider my H to be my best friend and the other because I am almost angry at myself for letting her win. This is something I need to work on. Thank you so much!

[Riv3rW0lf]

The winning is something I have battled with - on one end because its uncomfortable and I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL and consider my H to be my best friend and the other because I am almost angry at myself for letting her win. This is something I need to work on. Thank you so much!

Hi ExhaustedandSad,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome to the board. Also I am sorry you are going through this.

I just wanted to pitch in and propose a slightly different framing...

You are not "letting her win". People with BPD wins no matter what we do. She will always "win" in her own head, by being a victim, a savior, a persecutor, no matter what she does, she thinks she "wins"... However, this does not mean you have to lose.

You could also stop playing. That's the reframing. She can play all she wants, she can win her game all she wants, it doesn't matter because you are not playing. You are keeping your boundaries, and keeping your own health and the health of your children and family good and sane by keeping your energy cup full.

You are her favorite scapegoat, and it is very hard. Is grey rocking an option for you? I find it very difficult to grey rock, but I hear it works well for many people being scapegoated.

[ExhaustedandSad]

Hi Riv3rW0lf,

Thank you for your words and words. You're right in the *winning* perspective - I find that to be a struggle of mine and I think I need to let it go in order to be able to reach my goals (boundaries mainly). I can try grey rocking but I have found it difficult in past interactions.

The past few days have been about reflection and really trying to understand what boundaries I want to set and making sure they do not get crossed. I tend to let my MIL and H convince me to just go with what they say - which is usually what my SIL wants and then I end up stressed, unhappy and disempowered. I find boundaries to be a very big issue for me especially because I think I am very clear with my MIL and H of my expectations.

[GaGrl]

What boundaries are shaping up for you?

What might you say to your MIL and H before SIL's next visit? Or are you comfortable simply acting on your boundaries?

[livednlearned]

I would say the verbal abuse is amongst the hardest.

Is it directed at you? What does the family do when she yells? Maybe we can give some suggestions that have worked in our situations.  

There's a helpful book called Verbal Abuse by Patricia Evans that might be useful. One piece of advice that worked for me is to hold up a hand and stay, "Stop" or "No" when someone is on a rampage.

Just like that. And repeat those words (it can feel a bit odd, but it's sort of like communicating with the emotional brain of a toddler).

Another option is to get up calmly and walk into another room. Your point is that you will not be yelled at.

You might be in experimental phase for a bit, trying to figure out what skills will work with all the different dynamics, including how full your cup is.

My sense with your dynamic is that MIL and H are under-functioning because they think you're over-functioning when it comes to SIL. Does that seem accurate?

If you are the one pointing out bad behaviors and processing the emotional toll of SIL, they get to assume a safer position that requires no effort. To keep that dynamic in play, they put up defenses when you mention SIL even though they benefit in a shadowy way from your efforts.

This is a dynamic typical of drama triangles and most of us walk into this trap until we understand how it works. Basically, because you are processing SIL's behaviors for the group, MIL and H don't have to.

That means backing all the way out of the triangle, something that can take many many small steps over a period of time.

An example could be something as simple as: H makes a disparaging comment to you about SIL. Feeling relief that he's experiencing what you experience, you pick up the topic and run with it, agreeing that she is a mess. Except then he expresses annoyance that you're still talking about it, a flip of what he felt when he brought it up. His goal (not conscious) was to unload his feelings, which he did, and now he's irritated that the feeling is coming back at him. That's just an example of how these dynamics can work, it might be different in your exact circumstance.

Your new behavior would be to shrug or express some interest but not say much. The goal is for H and MIL to handle their own feelings about SIL instead of having you carry that load, if that's happening.

It won't help to discuss this with them. It's better to change your own behaviors and see what happens.

The times she has tried to isolate me are hurtful when accepted by others (if that makes sense). For example, when my MIL will call me to say SIL is cooking a thanksgiving dinner for her brother and his children - and seeing nothing wrong with this statement.

Well that's insensitive  

Although hosting a dinner that doesn't include you and your family means you can experience Thanksgiving in peace  

I may consider blocking off the evening as this is a time a cherish with my kids and want to end the night on a positive note. I have to prepare myself for the resistance I know will come with this. I expect my MIL to push me to have us spend time as one big happy family and blame me if I resist. My H although supportive will agree with her demands to avoid a greater conflict.

If you're still building strength, start small. "Tonight, I need to duck out to do x and y. I'll join you tomorrow night."

Then participate the next night and the next but not the next after.

Small, tiny little changes  

I really have to think about what I do for self care.

Honestly, for me, when SD25 lived with us, self care was not warm and fuzzy. It was stuff like locking the door to my bedroom. Because she was in the habit of walking into my bedroom. And bathroom.

Or, it was arranging calls with friends when it looked like SD25 was going to be home alone with me.

H used to sheepishly unload SD25 on me, so self-care was sometimes pre-empting those moves by booking appointments.

When you have someone in your home who has bad boundaries and enablers who aren't protecting you, self care is going to mean protecting your sanity.

You have to carve out pockets of self-care and ensure that they are not negotiable. Eventually, you build enough capital and change enough of the power dynamic it gets easier to do other stuff with less hedging. For me, I had to start small because I was trying to make sure none of my choices created a rift between me and H, which was part of SD's agenda.

I do feel quite alone in my family so it is a bit daunting to have to tackle some of these issues.

That's why this is BPD family   So that you aren't alone in yours.

I have felt so alone and questioned myself so much for so long over all of this

It makes me feel less alone knowing people like you are working through this, too. I'm no longer living with SD but she's in my life and I will always have to manage these feelings and try to land this plane! It's often easier to see a way forward with others but I guarantee I'll be back here asking for advice trying to sort through my own SD shenanigans