Found out BPD ex girlfriend passed away today on my birthday

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,
I've been a long time lurker on this forum for many years. I feel now is the time to finally join. I credit all the  articles and posts from other users on this board in helping me move on with my life after a failed toxic relationship that ended five years ago. A little background info on her, we met at work, she was my first love displayed all the symptoms of BPD example, fear of abandonment, lack of compassion/empathy, narcissism etc. Our relationship was intense for six months and quickly fizzled out. I was subjected to the classic brutal love bombing, devaluation and discard stages. To make matters worse she gave up on me when my mom and I both had Cancer. After many unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation; I ended the relationship in the summer of 2017 and went fully no contact. She tried charming in 2019 but I ignored her text message. When that didn't work, she spoof my number and cyber stalk me throughout the last couple years. And today I got the news from a mutual former coworker of us that she had died. According to him, details are sketchy and I fear she might have taken her own life (she was always deeply troubled). Not only is this eerie of itself but I also happened to share my birthday with two of her sisters. I forgave her long ago but needless to say I'm having  a hard time processing my emotions right now. I could really use some encouragement guys.

[Positively Prime]

Hello all,
I've been a long time lurker on this forum for many years. I feel now is the time to finally join. I credit all the  articles and posts from other users on this board in helping me move on with my life after a failed toxic relationship that ended five years ago. A little background info on her, we met at work, she was my first love displayed all the symptoms of BPD example, fear of abandonment, lack of compassion/empathy, narcissism etc. Our relationship was intense for six months and quickly fizzled out. I was subjected to the classic brutal love bombing, devaluation and discard stages. To make matters worse she gave up on me when my mom and I both had Cancer. After many unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation; I ended the relationship in the summer of 2017 and went fully no contact. She tried charming in 2019 but I ignored her text message. When that didn't work, she spoof my number and cyber stalk me throughout the last couple years. And today I got the news from a mutual former coworker of us that she had died. According to him, details are sketchy and I fear she might have taken her own life (she was always deeply troubled). Not only is this eerie of itself but I also happened to share my birthday with two of her sisters. I forgave her long ago but needless to say I'm having  a hard time processing my emotions right now. I could really use some encouragement guys.

[alterK]

Welcome, Positively. Glad you finally decided to join in the discussions. It is entirely natural that you feel guilty. I recently read the obituary of a women I broke up with decades ago and felt a twinge of guilt. If I'd been nicer to her, stayed with her, would she not have died?

So recognize that your feeling guilty is normal, but that it is based on no facts. Do you know how she actually died? Your guilt is telling you she killed herself because of you. How do you know she wasn't hit by a bus? Had cancer? Might have been murdered by the lover she took after you?

Whatever she died of, it isn't your fault.

[Positively Prime]

Welcome, Positively. Glad you finally decided to join in the discussions. It is entirely natural that you feel guilty. I recently read the obituary of a women I broke up with decades ago and felt a twinge of guilt. If I'd been nicer to her, stayed with her, would she not have died?

So recognize that your feeling guilty is normal, but that it is based on no facts. Do you know how she actually died? Your guilt is telling you she killed herself because of you. How do you know she wasn't hit by a bus? Had cancer? Might have been murdered by the lover she took after you?

Whatever she died of, it isn't your fault.

Thank you alterK for your kind words. I guess you are right, i feel a bit of remorse. Maybe it was because of the way the news was delivered to me first thing in the morning. By our former coworker who was sort of her flying monkey, I never told him the details of our relationship but I'm sure she did; and probably painted me to be the bad guy. "Good morning sir, natalie passed away", is what he wrote. So cold and out of the blue especially since he hadn't texted me in months. Lord knows, I tried everything to make it work but I had to leave for my own mental health and I will never feel guilty for doing what's right for me. 

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you alterK for your kind words. I guess you are right, i feel a bit of remorse. Maybe it was because of the way the news was delivered to me first thing in the morning. By our former coworker who was sort of her flying monkey, I never told him the details of our relationship but I'm sure she did; and probably painted me to be the bad guy. "Good morning sir, natalie passed away", is what he wrote. So cold and out of the blue especially since he hadn't texted me in months. Lord knows, I tried everything to make it work but I had to leave for my own mental health and I will never feel guilty for doing what's right for me. 

Along with AK I welcome you Prime. Welcome to the fam. 

BTW...nice choice for a screen name...Positively Prime. Love it! I hope you never stray from this mind set " I had to leave for my own mental health and I will never feel guilty for doing what's right for me." - To this end I always mention that is ok and healthy to put yourself first. Its nice to have others look out for you, but you must always trust in yourself and look out for yourself first and foremost.

You will always be welcome here and this is a safe harbor. Feel free to share as much as you like and vent as much as you need to. Additionally, if you have questions fire away.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Positively Prime]

Along with AK I welcome you Prime. Welcome to the fam. 

BTW...nice choice for a screen name...Positively Prime. Love it! I hope you never stray from this mind set " I had to leave for my own mental health and I will never feel guilty for doing what's right for me." - To this end I always mention that is ok and healthy to put yourself first. Its nice to have others look out for you, but you must always trust in yourself and look out for yourself first and foremost.

You will always be welcome here and this is a safe harbor. Feel free to share as much as you like and vent as much as you need to. Additionally, if you have questions fire away.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you very much!

[WhatToDo47]

So sorry to hear this! Nothing you or anyone could have done, sadly. If you had tried to help more, you would have just been more hurt and damaged. Lean on your family and you are all in my prayers, even her and all those lost.

[Positively Prime]

So sorry to hear this! Nothing you or anyone could have done, sadly. If you had tried to help more, you would have just been more hurt and damaged. Lean on your family and you are all in my prayers, even her and all those lost.

Thank you very much for your kind words. A little update: it's been two months now (wow!) and I have since found out she passed away from huffing cans of compressed air. Her death even made national headlines. Can't say I didn't see it coming, that's why I left. (She had a plethora of issues.) This last few weeks were hard. Particularly her friend (flying monkey) feeling resentment towards me and somehow trying to put the blame on me for her demise. I had to see a therapist to get out of the negative mental funk and it helped tremendously. I was conflicted as I read some of the comments her friends posted saying she was this amazing, loyal, caring, and compassionate person. Yet, in my time of need she displayed zero of those traits and was completely devoid of empathy. I felt like Lisa Simpson when she tried to expose Jebediah Springfield as the charlatan he really was. Mixed emotions which have since subsided. With God's grace I'm healing once again and can finally put a bookend to this chapter. Thanks again to the BPD family for the continuous support!

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you very much for your kind words. A little update: it's been two months now (wow!) and I have since found out she passed away from huffing cans of compressed air. Her death even made national headlines. Can't say I didn't see it coming, that's why I left. (She had a plethora of issues.) This last few weeks were hard. Particularly her friend (flying monkey) feeling resentment towards me and somehow trying to put the blame on me for her demise. I had to see a therapist to get out of the negative mental funk and it helped tremendously. I was conflicted as I read some of the comments her friends posted saying she was this amazing, loyal, caring, and compassionate person. Yet, in my time of need she displayed zero of those traits and was completely devoid of empathy. I felt like Lisa Simpson when she tried to expose Jebediah Springfield as the charlatan he really was. Mixed emotions which have since subsided. With God's grace I'm healing once again and can finally put a bookend to this chapter. Thanks again to the BPD family for the continuous support!

Thank you for the update! Couldn't help but laugh at the Simpsons reference. I'm a fan as well and have felt like that, too!

She was all those great things, but, sadly, she was all the negative traits, too. She wasn't perfect or all bad, and that's what can make this so hard. Grieve the whole person, the good and the bad. Sadly, the bad in this case was so extreme that it overshadowed the good.

Had you stayed and tried to help, she would have just pulled you down, too. Amazing how things that we get used to make national headlines! Sobering for sure. Think FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that blinds us.

Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome. Only she could have done that. I'm glad you posted here, went to therapy, prayed, and attained some closure by the grace of God.

Keep up the amazing work and healing, and keep us posted. You are all in my prayers, as is she and everyone here.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you very much for your kind words. A little update: it's been two months now (wow!) and I have since found out she passed away from huffing cans of compressed air. Her death even made national headlines. Can't say I didn't see it coming, that's why I left. (She had a plethora of issues.) This last few weeks were hard. Particularly her friend (flying monkey) feeling resentment towards me and somehow trying to put the blame on me for her demise. I had to see a therapist to get out of the negative mental funk and it helped tremendously. I was conflicted as I read some of the comments her friends posted saying she was this amazing, loyal, caring, and compassionate person. Yet, in my time of need she displayed zero of those traits and was completely devoid of empathy. I felt like Lisa Simpson when she tried to expose Jebediah Springfield as the charlatan he really was. Mixed emotions which have since subsided. With God's grace I'm healing once again and can finally put a bookend to this chapter. Thanks again to the BPD family for the continuous support!

Good to know! 

I'd also add that I've read many comments here that pwBPD are not going to improve or ever get professional help by remaining in the same push-pull cycles of conflict in the relationships we enter with them.  They need to be held accountable for their actions if they are ever going to grow.  And if they don't grow, it's nobody's fault but their own.  So by breaking it off with her and moving on, you did the right thing for yourself, and also for her (although she certainly would not see it that way). 

Some would call me callous for saying this next part, but given the way things are going, the world & the planet really could do with fewer troubled, selfish, and self-absorbed human beings on it, so she did the world a favor by leaving and only taking her own life on the way out, and not leaving any children behind.  In a cosmic sense, this worked out for the best.

It's unfortunate her "flying monkey" has branded you responsible for this.  In my experience, they (i.e. pwBPD) always have some hangers-on fooled about who was to blame, and those hangers-on are playing their own angle here, either for their own ego, or had been actively interested in the pwBPD themselves.  Any adults that get emotionally involved like that in another couples' business aren't all there in my opinion.  So this guy likely has his own problems, and you're best off keeping your distance.