Adult daughter with BPD

[Popsicle]

Hi I’m new to this site as I was looking for help and support.

My 27 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago and our relationship has been very up and down. I try and support her as much as I can. I’ve always been there for her as a listening ear, have tried to learn as much as I can about BPD and not take her outburst personally. However, I find that I’m feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells. Whenever I don’t agree with her, especially due to different opinions and thoughts, then her behaviour towards me changes. By the end of the conversation I feel as though I’ve been Lectured like a naughty child and if I don’t say the right thing the right way then the behaviour escalates.

On Sunday we had a lovely day together until she disagreed with the way I’d said something. She said it was offensive (I’d used the word ‘pure ‘) and had connotations to white supremacy. I gave to say here that I work and have friends from a wide range of backgrounds and ethnicity and  we had just come from an Hindu wedding so I am in no way racist. I was talking about gold? So disagreed that what I’d said was offensive. Anyway long story short is that from then on no matter what I said I was wrong resulting in her screaming at me that I was the reason she was so f***d up and a long list of what  I’d done wrong as a parent. Which is another more complex request for advice needed (she has been brought up in a very loving supported environment.)

Any help or ideas on how I can still be me and have different opinions but without it escalating to such destructive  behaviour. How can I get my daughter to understand that it’s ok for me not to have the same thoughts and opinions as her and that I can disagree and still love her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

Hello, I feel your pain.  I have an adult daughter with BPD as well.
My daughter refuses to talk to her dad and me.  She won’t answer the phone or visit in person if she is visiting her sisters here. She and her family live 5 states away. She has basically been estranged from us for 3 years. She blames us, especially me for her situation. She was raised in a loving and supportive home. We tried doing family therapy, but the therapist apparently believed everything she told him about us. As a result no more therapy for us. We have worked with 4 therapists and all but 1 treated us poorly. At this point, I do not see a reconciliation ahead. We are old (in our 70’s) and just want a little peace during our last years. My mother in law suffered from this type of problem too.  I guess I should not be surprised when there is a close relative with the same issue. Hang in there. I am frightened of my daughter. I do not trust her. Hang is there; you are braver than I am.

[brokenmama]

Popsicle, I am in the very same place with my adult daughter who has no clue she is BPD.  Our relationship has been excrutiating!  We love each other and want relationship but we just can't seem to manage it.  She too is very controlling with regard to what I do or say and I have bent over backwards trying to be both supportive and encouraging.  She needs to be in control to feel safe.  I recognize that and try to give her that space. She's come a long way through some very difficult things and I have been right there by her side for all of it.  We are currently estranged and she is moving two states away in a matter of weeks. We are estranged because I had the 'audacity' to set a strong boundary with her. I am absolutely beside myself that she would end our relationship after all I have done for her and been through with her.  It was necessary for my own health and well being.  I am currently learning healthier boundaries and how to detach in love.  I think that's what our relationship has come to and my hope is that once settled into her new environment, she will seek therapy again.  She's been prescribed meds which she hasn't begun taking yet and I hope she will do that. I'm learning that self care is important for me as I cope with all of her drama.  We don't have to be doormats!  That's NOT relationship!  Sadly, my life has been a lot easier not having to listen to all of her complaints and negativity.  I'm pretty sure it feels better for her not to have to cope with my presence either. Blessings to you, Wendy

[brokenmama]

By the way, Randi Kreger has a book out there for parents of children with BPD called Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents: How to help your child cope with BPD without losing yourself.  I'm currently reading it and it is wonderful!