Mother n law part two

[Daylightdad]

Well it was a good run as my family has had a good run of peace and quiet ,My wife’s mom had black listed me because of an event where I was protecting the safety of my daughter .During this argument she also managed to alienate two of her other kids bringing the total to 4 children my mother n law alienated from drama .

With that said as I selfishly believed maybe my drama was over , the mother n law emailed my wife . The email was very odd because it never really asked how my wife was doing but more along the lines of how she was having liver issues , blood pressure issues and stress , then finished with time was precious and she was missing out a lot on her granddaughters growing up .Very odd email given she never really once asked how my wife was as you’d figure given it’s her daughter .She also sent a similar email to my sister n law.

Recently she also alienated the youngest of her daughters because all off a sudden she decided her son n law was a bad person? ( great guy).

Is it normal that when things are going well that they have to toss a wrench into things and pick fights ? Also she’s been through 9 jobs this year and has moved 3 times ! It’s like she’s getting worse ?

[kells76]

Hey Daylightdad, welcome back. I remember you from a bit ago.

Well it was a good run as my family has had a good run of peace and quiet ,My wife’s mom had black listed me because of an event where I was protecting the safety of my daughter .During this argument she also managed to alienate two of her other kids bringing the total to 4 children my mother n law alienated from drama .

I get it; it seems like things have finally equilibrated, and then the BPD behaviors show up again. Impossible for there to be a focus on grandkids' well-being as that steals the focus from the pwBPD. I've also noticed that given enough time, many pwBPD or pwPDs leave a string of broken relationships in their wakes. It's truly tragic.

With that said as I selfishly believed maybe my drama was over , the mother n law emailed my wife . The email was very odd because it never really asked how my wife was doing but more along the lines of how she was having liver issues , blood pressure issues and stress , then finished with time was precious and she was missing out a lot on her granddaughters growing up .Very odd email given she never really once asked how my wife was as you’d figure given it’s her daughter .She also sent a similar email to my sister n law.

Yup, a huge focus on the self, with an inability and/or unwillingness to see the impact of their behaviors on others. Sad part of the disorder. Plus the "I just don't understand why I can't see my granddaughters" coming right after you literally protected one of her granddaughters and she reacted so negatively. Yeah, just so much inability to see connections between behaviors and outcomes.

Recently she also alienated the youngest of her daughters because all off a sudden she decided her son n law was a bad person? ( great guy).

One way an aspect of BPD has been described is "having harmfully intense and wildly oscillating emotions". What she feels in a single moment suddenly becomes "the forever truth" about someone. If at some point in the future she happens to have a good feeling inside, and he's around, who knows, maybe she'll suddenly decide he's great again. Inability/unwillingness to see that things happening outside aren't the cause of feelings inside.

Is it normal that when things are going well that they have to toss a wrench into things and pick fights ?

For many people, both wBPD and without, "drama" and "chaos" can feel pretty normal in life -- perhaps because of growing up that way. So sometimes people feel uncomfortable when things are going well -- it doesn't feel familiar or comfortable. That could be part of it.

Another part could be control. Being "the wrench thrower" or "the fight starter" gives them a position of control over the situation: "See, I was the one who did that". pwBPD often prioritize being in the "one up" position and having lots of control over what's going on. That could be the "neurotic" side of BPD.

Also she’s been through 9 jobs this year and has moved 3 times ! It’s like she’s getting worse ?

Instability is a very common attribute of BPD. While for many it shows up in interpersonal romantic relationships, it can also show up in work and professional commitments for others.

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I guess none of this sounds surprising, though I'm not sure it makes it any easier.

Am I remembering correctly from your previous posts that safety for your wife and kids is basically your top priority?

How has that been going? Have there been more "boundary busting" episodes beyond the one you describe here? Are you guys safe at home?

And can you remind me -- your wife is pretty on board with you in terms of "seeing the light" about your MIL, right? Your W isn't still in the place of "Oh Mom is great just quirky"?

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Keep us in the loop on how things have gone recently...

kells76

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Daylightdad  kells has some great feedback above.

I'm usually on the Parents, Siblings and In-laws board, so I missed your first post in April. My MIl has BPD as well.

Well it was a good run as my family has had a good run of peace and quiet

I've learned to recognize and expect the cycle. MIL has been stable/quiet, but I can see signs that she's coming down from it. She is desperately afraid of being abandoned or forgotten, and I think that's why she creates drama where there isn't any. If she was ok, people would quit coming around and wouldn't dote on her.

During this argument she also managed to alienate two of her other kids bringing the total to 4 children my mother n law alienated from drama .

When my MIL blacklists someone, she also enlists others to perpetuate the drama for her. Does that sound familiar? Do other people in your family understand what's happening?

With that said as I selfishly believed maybe my drama was over , the mother n law emailed my wife . The email was very odd because it never really asked how my wife was doing but more along the lines of how she was having liver issues , blood pressure issues and stress , then finished with time was precious and she was missing out a lot on her granddaughters growing up .

This is all FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. "My health is failing and I might not have long to live. I raised you and you're keeping my granddaughters from me, while my health is failing, no less. My needs matter more than yours and you're just being selfish." It's a technique they use because it works. My gosh, any reasonable person without a knowledge of BPD would hear that and feel compelled to act. We know the patterns, though. Our history informs our boundaries and your MIL has crossed some boundaries. I'm glad to hear you took legal action right away when she contacted the ex-bf.

I read through your previous posts and was interested to see that your MIL asked your wife's friend to make the same things for the other grandkids. Mine will do the same. H bought me an appliance, she asked for the same one. H took me on a beach trip, MIL asked him to take her on a beach trip. He bought me a watermelon, she asked him to get her a watermelon. If he visits his daughter, he has to schedule a separate trip to visit his mom and spend time with her. When I tiled my bathroom, she asked me to tile hers with the same tile. I've always found it odd.

Keep us posted. It sounds like you're making good decisions but it can be so upsetting to deal with pdBPD. We get it, and we're happy to be a sounding board.

[Daylightdad]

Thank you both for those answers makes me feel pretty good to know that my MIL seems to be a classic case of BPD .To answer some of your questions , I’ll start with is my wife aware of her mothers issues .Yes very much so as she was the first to tell me her mother had BPD .My wife being the oldest of 7 kids has had a hot /cold relationship with her mother and she’s told me some stories that make me angry to here but it makes it easier for me to grasp the type of person my MIL is .

As for keeping my family and daughter safe that’s been easy as my MIL hates me for two reasons .She has tried and failed to control me and she knows I won’t accept her ways around me .The second reason is she knows I have my  company lawyers so she doesn’t want that hassle .Besides that email she hasn’t tried to contact my wife again yet .

I leave this whole situation with my MIL in my wife’s hands when it comes to blocking her .I’d never stand in the way of my wife and her family , it’s her decision to keep her mother at bay for as long as she wants .My daughter was never but 2ft away from me when around my MIL . After hearing about some stories from my wife , I don’t trust my MIL one second .I even went as far as legal paperwork where if anything happened to me and my wife , all the money houses and belongings are in a locked trust fund with a trusted guardian.My MIL has a gambling issue as well and would take advantage of a situation if allowed.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm sorry for the havoc she's wreaked on the family. It's stressful, isn't it? It sounds like you and your wife are on the same page, for the most part. Is that accurate?

What's the hardest part about this for you?

[Daylightdad]

The hardest part is I don’t understand how she has alienated 4 of her siblings and she just doesn’t get it ? If my daughter cut ties with me I’d be devastated.

[pursuingJoy]

 It's likely that she is blaming the people that cut ties to save herself from having to feel guilt or hurt.   

Waiting around for pwBPD to have an 'aha' moment or change is pretty futile. Do you feel that you are still working through some of the shock of it? That part took me a while.

[Couscous]

If you haven’t heard of the Karpman drama triangle, there is a good article about it somewhere on this website. You might find it enlightening.

[Notwendy]

The hardest part is I don’t understand how she has alienated 4 of her siblings and she just doesn’t get it ? If my daughter cut ties with me I’d be devastated.

I think the Karpman triangle explains this well. My BPD mother sees things from victim perspective and this makes how she perceives her behavior different from how the person on the receiving end of her behavior does.

Apparently my relationship to her seems to revolve around my being useful to her and tolerating how she treats me. It's been a cycle of push pull as you described. She has dismissed the relationship but then also engages me when she's not angry. I have not cut contact but have gone NC. Sometimes I think it bothers her and sometimes I think she doesn't care. It's hard to know. It's not an easy decision and sometimes I think it's been harder for me to do that than for her to dismiss me, because of the importance of the parent- child relationship to me.

Like you, my H lets me decide the relationship. I think that's a good standpoint - to be supportive of your wife's feelings and what she wants to do, but it's her relationship to decide. My BPD mother doesn't dislike my H though, probably because he hasn't stepped in to protect us, as I am the one who did that. The Karpman triangle explains these dynamics.