Should I feel guilty?

[Mary Jean]

Hello everyone.  My 48 year old daughter is diagnosed BPD.  I thought she had a good childhood, but maybe not.  I am very confused reading about the causes of BPD. My daughter is eager to blame me. There was never any abuse of any kind in our home. Yet, I feel guilty that something I did or didn’t do when she was young has contributed to her problems. I have been
estranged from my daughter for 3 years. My husband is very angry at her for her behavior and doesn’t want to deal with it.
Any other mothers or dads dealing with the guilt thing?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Cair_Paravel]

Hello Mary Jean

I can empathise with the guilty feeling because we have probably all been there. I’m really sorry you have had no contact and hope you are doing okay

In my experience, you can be the number one perfect parent and a pwBPD will make you feel that it was still not enough
I have always aimed for ‘good enough’ parenting, not perfection and it seemed to work for my son, who is happy and well adjusted. My daughter on the other hand has painted me as neglectful, abusive and downright evil at times, despite me  being as consistent as I can. Often the moment I start to feel guilty my daughter will take it all back, so I have learned to try and trust my own judgement (and others in my family)

[Tanager]

Hi Mary Jane,

   I think Cair_Paravel gave you good advice. Guilt can have a good purpose, like an alert when we have truly done something wrong. However, it can be used to manipulate. Guilt was used as discipline in my own childhood, and being a people pleaser, I am very prone to guilt trips. My bpd daughter is very good at laying on the guilt!  I think her knowing how much of my identity is  tied to being a good mother gives her a lot of power.  I lose perspective and start believing I was a horrible parent when in my heart I know, as Cair_Paravel puts it, I was good enough.

[Huat]

Hello Mary Jean

I nod as I read Tanager's and Cair_Paravel's replies to you.  For sure there are times when one should feel guilty when they know in their heart they have done something wrong. 

With that said, I work hard at harbouring no guilt when it comes to dealing with my daughter and the accusations she throws at me.  What keeps me afloat is my mantra..."I did the best I could...when I knew better I did better...I will continue to do so." I know that to be true of myself and I'm pretty sure the same can be said of you.  What more could be asked of anyone?

If you continue to hang on to a feeling of guilt, it will be noticeable to your daughter, just adding fuel to her fire.  Hold your head up high, Mary Jean.  The journey we take with these troubled offspring who share our lives is not an easy one.   One of our main jobs is to role-model for them...show them what strength of character looks like.  This all being said by someone (me) who is a work-in-progress.

((HUGS)...from one Mom to another.

Huat

[Mary Jean]

Thank you all for your very kind and wise replies. I appreciate your time and effort to respond. I hope you are all having a wonderful day!☺️

[By Still Water]

Hello Mary Jean,
     You've great feedback, here. The dark, deconstructing energy our child w/BPD emits, in their abusive accusations, is insidious to make us feel defeated and so low, at times. I hope you will - as Huat said - hold your head up high. It helps me to take inventory - almost list on paper - all the things we did for ours, the times we extended ourselves, the ways we allowed ourselves to be drained, the consistently encouraging words we gave to him. An empty accusation, built on nothing but the delusion from mental illness, can not have power or validity over our peace.