Cutting off my BPD mother and I've never felt more guilty in my life

[OnlySleeping]

Hi everyone. Posting here because I pretty much just cut off my entire family and have no one left.

I (23f) was born into a lot of chaos, and have been abused pretty much my whole life. My mother is an undiagnosed clear borderline, and did her best to make my life a living hell to the point where I feel like a shell of a person. My younger sister and I moved into our own apartment a year ago to get away, and I struggled with finding the right time to go no contact. My mom has been nice, she still refused to acknowledge how she abused us, but I didn't bring it up ever and hoped that I could navigate a relationship with her. Last night, she of course sprung something on me and tried to guilt me into crossing my boundaries and I just realized I can't do it anymore.

Why should I have someone in my life that did her best to make me absolutely hate myself? In her outbursts, she would push me so far and say the meanest things to me that I would just cry myself to sleep and pray that I wouldn't wake back up. She made me feel worthless and told me I was an awful person. I live everyday feeling guilty and not knowing why.

When the abuse was really bad, I had a nervous breakdown pretty much and developed panic disorder and agoraphobia. She flipped out every single day during that time, I was 17 and it felt like I had been to a war for years.

Even now, I'm trying to write this out and I feel myself shutting down, I don't even want to remember anything anymore. It's so upsetting to think that I have no parents, my dad has his own extreme issues, they really did deserve each other. I have four older siblings from my moms first marriage, they're all much older than me and my mother allowed for them to bully and harass me my whole life as well.

This is pretty much just a ramble, thank you if you read this. I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now and needed somewhere to put them.

[pursuingJoy]

OnlySleeping, ramble away. We're happy to listen. Some here are orphans by choice and there are complicated layers to the grief. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I've got kids your age and wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve to feel loved and cherished and worthy.

What did she spring on you?

[Channing]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know this: there are many people on this board who can relate to your experience. We are here for you. I hope you can get some of the support you need here.

One of my struggles was giving up my belief that somehow biologically family members "count" a lot more than other people in my life and that I am somehow flawed if I am not close to my family members. I am trying to learn to value my relationships for their quality and not the somewhat arbitrary fact of blood relation.

Also, I took up long distance hiking with groups. I highly recommend this as a healing tool. For one thing, getting outside for several hours is very refreshing mentally and emotionally. Also, as you hike for miles with others, you tend to have deeper conversations and I have learned that there are many people who are estranged from family members for all kinds of reasons. This helped me feel less alone.

[Turkish]

She made me feel worthless and told me I was an awful person.

A pwBPD (person with BPD) feels exactly those things about the themselves deep down. Coping is projecting those feelings onto others. As a child, you had no context or defense against such horrible treatment. You don't know why you feel guilty because you didn't do anything bad, but were told that you were bad on so many ways, yes?

I'm sorry also that she didn't stand up for you against your half-siblings.

How does your younger sister feel about things? Was she also a scapegoat?

[OnlySleeping]

What did she spring on you?

I'm still figuring out this website, hope I'm replying correctly!

Thank you so much for your kind words purusingJoy it means a lot. She calls constantly asking that I help her out in some way, and it's always help with something that she could easily do herself. My older siblings are still living in the home, but she NEVER asks them to do the things she asks of me. All I wanted was to be treated like the daughter, and she insists on coming to me for advice and support constantly.

She asked for me to come pick her up at 7pm because her car broke down and would need my car for the week. It hit me that I was finally at my limit with her, something just told me NO. She has taken all she can from me, I feel like after 23 years I am truly empty and can't bring myself to do another thing for her.

[OnlySleeping]

One of my struggles was giving up my belief that somehow biologically family members "count" a lot more than other people in my life and that I am somehow flawed if I am not close to my family members.

Thank you Channing. I feel the same way you do with this.I suppose I've always craved a family in my life, it's so hard to let it go when you feel obligated by blood. Thank you for your support here. I'm trying to make healthier choices and hiking does sound like really great therapy!

[OnlySleeping]

You don't know why you feel guilty because you didn't do anything bad, but were told that you were bad on so many ways, yes?

How does your younger sister feel about things? Was she also a scapegoat?

You're definitely right Turkish! I was always told that I had pretty much evil intentions with EVERYTHING I did, when I honestly would have no idea what she was talking about. Who thinks a child has the time to sit around and plot against their mother. It's insanity.

My younger sister and I have been treated as one person by our mother and her kids, simply because we had the same dad and they all hated him because our mother had an affair with our father while she was still married to theirs. Its crazy! Now they're all confused that we want nothing to do with them. Shocker. I'm only on day 2 of no contact and I already feel lighter. Lonely, but lighter. The support I'm receiving here and from my younger sister and our friends has helped so much. <3

[Riv3rW0lf]

Onlysleeping,

Welcome to the board 

One thought that helped me is realizing that I don't have to like my mother.

There is a societal rule that mothers have to be loved, after all you have only the one. But then I realized : she was not a mother for me. She was a woman in my life, that filled my physical needs (food, shelter) and made me pay those needs with countless traumas.

Sure, I came from her womb, but honestly, that's all she was, a brutal womb. And while I am grateful to be here and alive, while this couldn't have been possible without her, this is about the only thing I can thank her for, and this is not enough to justify staying in a relationship with her and tolerating her ongoing abuse.

BPD is a mental illness that can be managed, yet she never seeked help to manage it for the good of her children. Instead, she chose to unleash her shame onto us and made us carry it, along with her rage.

Truly : I don't feel like I owe her anything anymore. If someday she decide to seek treatment, I will reassess, and I let her know as much, but I cannot be expected to remain around someone that triggers my PTSD so badly. It would be a disservice to myself, and I promised little Riverwolf I would take care of her. I want to congratulate you for taking care of little OnlySleeping. I did not have your awareness when I was your age, and I want to recognize you for it.

I wish you peace with your decision to be no contact. I am also no contact with my mother. Most days go well, sometimes a bit of guilt peeks in ... When it does, it helps me to remind myself that I have only power over myself and that my first responsibility is to myself and to my children.

[Channing]

Only Sleeping, the situation you mention about the use of the car is similar to one of my experiences with my BPD mom. She had arranged a visit with me about seven years ago and told me that she needed to take my car with her for two days for an overnight trip to the coast while she was in my area. I told her she could use the car if I did not need it but if I needed it for work, she would have to rent one. Reasonable, right?

She has never forgiven me for this. She literally screamed and raged at me about it at the time and to this day, she is furious that I did not immediately agree to give her my car, even if I needed it for work. To her, this incident "proves" that I am at fault for the estrangement and she is the victim.

Whenever I feel guilty about my estrangement, I think about this incident. Somehow, it makes me feel better because it was so objectively unreasonable that it helped me stop blaming myself.

[WalkbyFaith]

Channing, your quote:

One of my struggles was giving up my belief that somehow biologically family members "count" a lot more than other people in my life and that I am somehow flawed if I am not close to my family members. I am trying to learn to value my relationships for their quality and not the somewhat arbitrary fact of blood relation.

resonates so strongly for me. Thank you for sharing this. I'm struggling through this belief myself right now.

OnlySleeping, welcome and I hope you find the camaraderie and support you need here. I went no-contact with my uBPD mother about 4 months ago, as well as my dad and 3 siblings who are all very enmeshed with her. It is so hard to feel like you've lost your entire family of origin. We are all here for you!

[Couscous]

I told her she could use the car if I did not need it but if I needed it for work, she would have to rent one. Reasonable, right?

She has never forgiven me for this. She literally screamed and raged at me about it at the time and to this day, she is furious that I did not immediately agree to give her my car, even if I needed it for work.

This kind of behavior is indicative of some pretty extreme narcissism. She reacts this way because she views you as an extension of herself and as such you ought to be under her complete control. Any act of autonomy by you is absolutely intolerable to her and triggers narcissistic rage.

[Channing]

This kind of behavior is indicative of some pretty extreme narcissism. She reacts this way because she views you as an extension of herself and as such you ought to be under her complete control. Any act of autonomy by you is absolutely intolerable to her and triggers narcissistic rage.

Thank you for pointing that out Couscous. My therapist tends to focus on my mother's BPD traits. The BPD/NPD combination can be very challenging.