exhausted by spouse

[yellowbutterfly]

I am so exhausted by my husband who I am certain has bpd. He exhibits all the trait. He is emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive.

I've tried to end things with him several times, in fact, several times today AGAIN. He doesn't get it. He only hears what he wants to hear or threatens me with something when I say I'm done.

I'm so emotionally drained. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Has anyone else experienced this type of relationship? HELP

[BigOof]

Yeah, you're starting to develop "learned helplessness."

[ForeverDad]

Dear yellowbutterfly, yours is a story too often reported here.  Sadly.  Many will chime in here in the days to come.  One common thread all will echo is that we believe you, we understand where you're coming from (because we've all been in your shoes in the past).

Recovery is a Process, though we wish it could be an Event.  So though it may take time, accept that you have better days ahead.  We have amassed quite an extensive collective wisdom, so feel free to tap our hard-won knowledge and experience.

Here are a few basic thoughts I'll share...

Do not worry whether you can get a diagnosis for your husband.  Most of us here never managed to get a diagnosis, so it's not surprising you haven't had BPD confirmed.  We actually have an acronym for it, uBPD for "undiagnosed BPD".

Do you have a counselor you can confide in?  It's so liberating to seek help from some someone trained to listen and provide objective observations and support.

Most here seem to have found this site because the conflict was that bad.  We were searching for answers.  We weren't just browsing by whim.  For you too to search and find BPDFamily is indication that you are desperate for answers and support.  Be aware that your spouse may resist improving his behavior patterns.  He may resist therapy, or if he doesn't then he may make only show motions in therapy yet not really change for the better.  That's part of the extreme behavior patterns:  Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting.

Though we are remote and by necessity are anonymous, we have a close community where our experiences have drawn us together.

[15years]

Hi! 

I've tried to end things with him several times, in fact, several times today AGAIN. He doesn't get it. He only hears what he wants to hear or threatens me with something when I say I'm done.

Totally relate and I'm once again at a point of thinking that I might make the relationship work.

If I'm reading this correctly, you want him to accept that the relationship is over. It won't go down like that ever. I have that same problem, I'm aware that I will be alone in my decision if I ever take it, but it's another thing to actually feel strong enough to carry that responsibility all by myself. Ending the relationship as a mutual decision would be less stressful but it's unrealistic.

What about the physical abuse, has that stopped? For how long?

[yellowbutterfly]

@ForeverDad, @15years, @BigOof
I'm not totally sure how to respond to people so my apologies if this isn't how to do so.

I do have a good therapist that I'm seeing twice a week. Though, my husband wants to pursue couples therapy and it seems he's always able to reverse the conversation to blame me or insinuate that I'm the one who needs a lot of work. He totally manipulates me because I get exhausted by the conversations and shut down or don't follow his thoughts. Then I give in. It's a cycle. He knows what's happening, as do I but nothing is ever resolved.

Well, I am most certainly not perfect but I don't throw water in his face, push him, threaten suicide, threaten to call the cops on me with some made up story, try to intimidate me with words, and much more. He locks me out of hotel rooms if we go out of town and I have to get another room. He kept my suitcase and medicine from me and I got sick because I couldn't access it. He drove downtown somewhere on that trip and told me he left my suitcase in a parking lot. He takes my phone from me and locks it up or turns it into lost mode. He tries to break my computer. He dumps water on my belongings. He is so reactive! It's not behavior that is ok in any way. I just have to keep telling myself that this isn't normal to be treated like this even when someone is upset. I don't think he's going to change. We've only been married 6 months and it was a short engagement. I'd be insane to think that this is fixable but it's so hard to leave as you all know in this community.

There are so many emotions involved but I've never been treated like this by someone before. It can be the simplest interaction and two seconds later he's upset. Or he's constantly thinking people are talking about him or conspiring. It's so out of proportion to what I think is rational. Nothing makes sense anymore. Plus he lost his job and refuses to pay rent even though he gets severance. Instead, he goes on trips or takes golf lessons or other pursuits. I feel I'm the only one actually contributing. He acts like such a child with all his interactions. Like he reverted to some stage of childhood when he lost the job.

Mid-late July, he threatened suicide with means and this wasn't the first time. It was the first time I thought he was serious based on my prior conversations with a hotline. So, this was the night after he was physically violent and I was actually afraid of him. Instead of going to "talk to him" in his suicidal state, I called 911 from a friend's house for a wellness check. His father was texting/calling me because my husband told him the same about suicide. When they responded to check on him, he had his father lie for him even though the officer asked me to send a screenshot of the text. Now, I refuse to talk to my FIL  because my husband thinks it was all my fault and I should apologize. According to him I did the "wrong thing" by calling 911. I induced trauma for him and he wasn't able to leave the house for days or go to the building laundry room. It was all so intense. Not to invalidate his trauma but it's not my fault for calling them concerned about him.

That was about 6 weeks ago, now the physical violence has stopped but the emotional hasn't. It's constant. I get zero reprieve. My whole back and neck manifest physical feelings of stress.

I've hired a lawyer and I am going to pursue a divorce, I can't go on like this. It's not sustainable, it's toxic. I'm scared of what will happen when they serve him.

[ForeverDad]

No, you did NOT do the wrong thing by calling 911.You received a suicide threat.  No professional would blame you for calling for help.  You're not trained to deal with suicide, neither are you trained to ascertain whether suicidal comments are (1) pressuring manipulation or (2) real calls for help.  Let the emergency responders do that.

That said, I hope you sent that image of H's texts to the emergency responders.

From your words I can clearly see that your H is an expert manipulator.  He knows how to cast his own poor behaviors as your fault.  People with BPD typically Deny, Blame and Blame Shift.  Losing his job and deciding to use it as a vacation, I'd add that he's a Loser too.

He hasn't died yet from his suicidal threats, so almost certainly they were intended to pressure and manipulate you.

I've hired a lawyer and I am going to pursue a divorce, I can't go on like this. It's not sustainable, it's toxic.

If you've only been married for 6 months, you may want to discuss with your lawyer the advantages or disadvantages of a divorce versus an annulment, such as the financial implications.  (Needless to say, don't add to any financial entanglements, promises or obligations with him.  Take no financial steps without the go-ahead from your lawyer.)

About a lawyer... you'll probably need a lawyer more experienced than a mere forms filer and hand holder. It's okay to interview multiple lawyers and then choose the one with solid strategies and knows how to address your recent marriage.

I'm scared of what will happen when they serve him.

Can you reside elsewhere during this time?  It's been noted that the risk of DV is heightened upon the start of separation and divorce.  Request that you be notified before he is served, for your safety.

For sure avoid intimate contact henceforth.  You don't want to complicate things with a pregnancy.

[15years]

Be prepared that you might feel guilty and/or loose motivation to pursue a divorce if you try to reason with him about it. Do not look for his approval. If you want a divorce, don't expect him to agree.

About the physical violence, I have lots of experience from the past year and a half. 6 weeks of no physical violence is not long, it might just be that he is recovering from the shock that the drama in July caused him. It depends very much on all circumstances, but it's possible that the fact that you called 911 made him feel not in control and thus being physically violent towards you now would feel unsafe for the future of the relationship.

My theory about abuse is that the abuser returns to baseline sooner or later and believes that the other person does too. And he might apologize for some of it but would never accept that he has been abusive.

Be prepared that informing him that you want to divorce will come as a shock to him even though logically it should be clear to him why you'd want that.

[livednlearned]

It's great you're seeing a therapist to help you make sense of what's happening. It took me a long time to realize I was in over my head. Plus, you've reached out here, and the collective wisdom and support from people here is unlike anything I've found online.

You have good instincts 

From what you describe, it's probably safer to not discuss leaving with him until you have a clear plan in place, which can take time. And it isn't likely he'll agree with you anyway, as 15years mentioned.

In his own way, your H is trying to control you in order to prevent you from leaving, which, given his BPD, only makes sense to him, and even then it probably isn't something he consciously thinks about.

Is your therapist directing you to any domestic violence support? Have you discussed ways to keep yourself safe while figuring out next steps?

[yellowbutterfly]

No, you did NOT do the wrong thing by calling 911.

That said, I hope you sent that image of H's texts to the emergency responders.

He hasn't died yet from his suicidal threats, so almost certainly they were intended to pressure and manipulate you.

I know I did the right thing by calling 911 but to be told repeated after by him that I triggered him and did the wrong thing is a bad feeling.

Plus, I did send the image to the emergency responders, outrageous part is he manipulated his dad into denying it and then was able to get out of the psych evaluation so nothing was done except a DIR was filed. I stayed away for a week then. Since then, he’s continued the suicide threats. Last night he did it again but from another state as he’s out of town. I don’t believe him anymore and it’s sad he uses this to pressure and manipulate me. He even says so himself the next day. It’s all “Take Responsibility”, Blame, Blame Shift, he’s not really a denier oddly enough. He’s been to enough therapy to not do that.

If you've only been married for 6 months, you may want to discuss with your lawyer the advantages or disadvantages of a divorce versus an annulment, such as the financial implications.  (Needless to say, don't add to any financial entanglements, promises or obligations with him.  Take no financial steps without the go-ahead from your lawyer.)

Unfortunately, an annulment is not possible in this case. I did retain a good lawyer with experience in this matter. We can’t file until 09/15 based on my state’s criteria of 6 mo for no fault. We are considering filing under fault, cruel and unusual treatment but she’s concerned with his uBPD his reaction to this will be more extreme. We can always amend the complaint though to include this. I will be seeking exclusive occupancy and considering an order of protection.

About a lawyer... you'll probably need a lawyer more experienced than a mere forms filer and hand holder. It's okay to interview multiple lawyers and then choose the one with solid strategies and knows how to address your recent marriage.

Can you reside elsewhere during this time?  It's been noted that the risk of DV is heightened upon the start of separation and divorce.  Request that you be notified before he is served, for your safety.

The problem is I live in a VERY expensive city with rules about sublets. I am thinking a hotel/stay with friends around the time he is served. I am worried he will do something to my apartment or belongings too. Yes, my lawyer is going to request notification or see if his lawyer will accept service if he has one.

Be prepared that you might feel guilty and/or loose motivation to pursue a divorce if you try to reason with him about it. Do not look for his approval. If you want a divorce, don't expect him to agree.

I am dealing with the feelings of guilt in therapy but I have not lost any motivation for the divorce, it actually just becomes clearer and more needed each day.

About the physical violence, I have lots of experience from the past year and a half. 6 weeks of no physical violence is not long, it might just be that he is recovering from the shock that the drama in July caused him. It depends very much on all circumstances, but it's possible that the fact that you called 911 made him feel not in control and thus being physically violent towards you now would feel unsafe for the future of the relationship.

My theory about abuse is that the abuser returns to baseline sooner or later and believes that the other person does too. And he might apologize for some of it but would never accept that he has been abusive.

Be prepared that informing him that you want to divorce will come as a shock to him even though logically it should be clear to him why you'd want that.

He says he has past trauma from the cops, I don’t know if this is true but his constant threats of going to the cops on me make me skeptical.

My theory about abuse is that the abuser returns to baseline sooner or later and believes that the other person does too. And he might apologize for some of it but would never accept that he has been abusive.

Weird part about him is he totally accepts that he is abusive and acknowledges it but then blames it on me triggering him.

Be prepared that informing him that you want to divorce will come as a shock to him even though logically it should be clear to him why you'd want that.

We’ve discussed this so much and he acts as if he’s on board with a divorce but then we repeat the cycle and he threatens me, manipulates me, etc. I know I need to stop allowing the manipulation but that’s so much easier said than done.

From what you describe, it's probably safer to not discuss leaving with him until you have a clear plan in place, which can take time. And it isn't likely he'll agree with you anyway, as 15years mentioned.

Right, I am trying so hard to not bring up the divorce or leaving and just to have everything ready to go with the lawyer and court.

In his own way, your H is trying to control you in order to prevent you from leaving, which, given his BPD, only makes sense to him, and even then it probably isn't something he consciously thinks about.

Is your therapist directing you to any domestic violence support? Have you discussed ways to keep yourself safe while figuring out next steps?

I completely agree with this.

I actually had DV support prior to working with her from the incident in July but honestly, they weren’t all that helpful. I’ve found my therapist, lawyer, and friends/family to be more helpful.

[yellowbutterfly]

Also, I'm really struggling today because it's been like 24 hours of him attacking me via phone, not leaving me alone while claiming he asked for space on his "vacation" which he never communicated and then he's the one reaching out but blaming me saying I'm causing drama.

Last night, he called and yelled at me, threatened suicide again. Told me he drank 8 martinis and took pain killers which I have no idea if it was true or not.

This is so exhausting. If I do NC then he just calls repeatedly or texts repeatedly. The article on here about NC was really helpful overall but doesn't really apply to my current situation. I can't do NC as then he harasses me and it doesn't stop. I have to play "nice" or else it's horrible for me. If I appear to be nice he takes that as a glimmer of hope all is ok.

He is the most exhausting person I've ever met. I'm so down and sad and ready for this to be over.

[ForeverDad]

Be sure that any "no contact" restraining order or protection order included in your divorce filing specifically includes phone calls, phone messages, emails, texts, etc.  All communication needs to be through the attorneys or at in some form you can forwards concerning items to your lawyer.

Odds are that he has a legal (court or police) history of receiving complaints of divorce or harassment.  He didn't just come down with BPD after he met you.  Likely there were prior victims.  Unless he's still a teenager.

We here too are Nice Guys and Nice Gals, our immense sense of fairness and niceness is a huge disadvantage in dealing with pwBPD.  As you've found out, boundaries are important.  Since pwBPD resist boundaries, they have to be boundaries for us.  See our Tools & Skills board for topics on Boundaries.  This also means that we set aside our natural impulses to "protect" the abusers we encounter.  Don't hide the truth about them, they won't appreciate you no matter what you do - or don't do.

[yellowbutterfly]

Thanks for this @Foreverdad

Odds are that he has a legal (court or police) history of receiving complaints of divorce or harassment.  He didn't just come down with BPD after he met you.  Likely there were prior victims.  Unless he's still a teenager.

Thankfully, no I'm not married to a teenager (he's 36) but he certainly does act like one or like a petulant child. My mom is a therapist and I was asking her if people can get stuck at a certain age with their emotional maturity. I feel like the parent a lot of the time lately.

We here too are Nice Guys and Nice Gals, our immense sense of fairness and niceness is a huge disadvantage in dealing with pwBPD.  As you've found out, boundaries are important.  Since pwBPD resist boundaries, they have to be boundaries for us.  See our Tools & Skills board for topics on Boundaries.  This also means that we set aside our natural impulses to "protect" the abusers we encounter.  Don't hide the truth about them, they won't appreciate you no matter what you do - or don't do.

Thanks for sharing the tools/skills, I've been scouring the boards and the internet for helpful information. I did find a good book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and I'm working on doing this and building other skills. I realized I have no boundaries. It's really hard to have them and stick with them.

It's hard being "Nice" and compassionate because you're right, it makes this ten times harder to deal with. I feel like I'm easily manipulated. I am smart but empathetic to a fault.

I am feeling like he trapped me in all of this as we met and got married really quickly (within three months). He seduced me aka lovebombed me to use a modern term. I feel like an idiot or an episode of Dear John. I wanted love and a family and a feel like I fell into a trap. I want to think he does care and that honeymoon phase was real. This erodes my self worth to think this was a game or some sick manipulation. I don't know, I'm feeling despondent about it all.

[yellowbutterfly]

I hit send too soon but...

Odds are that he has a legal (court or police) history of receiving complaints of divorce or harassment.  He didn't just come down with BPD after he met you.  Likely there were prior victims.  Unless he's still a teenager.

I did find out he's done this (not marriage) to other women in his past. He's been arrested for DV and despite therapy hasn't been able to control his emotions. He's also had an old girlfriend arrested because he made up stories about her hitting him. He's threatened to do that to me and on more than one occasion he's tried to make fake videos or start saying loudly in public that I hit him. I did no such thing ever.

It scares and saddens me to think he'll never be ok.

[ForeverDad]

I did find out he's done this (not marriage) to other women in his past. He's been arrested for DV and despite therapy hasn't been able to control his emotions. He's also had an old girlfriend arrested because he made up stories about her hitting him. He's threatened to do that to me and on more than one occasion he's tried to make fake videos or start saying loudly in public that I hit him. I did no such thing ever.

This is him.  His history.  He's been an adult half his life yet hasn't changed.  This if nothing else is a huge red flag to escape the relationship before you suffer more.  To keep you in his world he may try to get you pregnant.  Sharing children (and the consequent custody and parenting issues) will make it even harder to get away.