I know I should be happy, but I don't feel that way

[Tired Llama]

Hello all, I've posted back in feb about problems communicating with my partner w BPD, and sadly I have not responded to it or have been on the forum much at all since. Shortly after posting we started couples counseling which went about as well as could be expected, as the weeks went by my SO w/BPD said it was worthless and only focused on her and the point was for them to change me so I could communicate with her. I actually found it insightful and thought it helped as well as noticed some changes/improvements. My partner however has only gotten more bitter/angry all the time and admits to actively avoiding communicating, which we started to talk about with the counselor until she decided it was time to stop going because of changing her work hours and wouldn't schedule the days off for it.

Around the time the counseling ended she approached me with the idea that I should move out so we can work on ourselves and I can "do the things I complain I can't do because of her and her kids" or something to that effect and by living apart she can see if I'm actually trying to be her/love her by how often we see each other and talk.

 Seemed odd until I caught on that same thing was happing on the TV show she always watches, maybe its a coincidence but I have noticed a lot of her thoughts and what she does seems to match what's happening on the shows she's watching. So I tried discussing with her what that'd look like and what her expectations were and mine so we can be on the same page and I was left with nothing except to not show up unannounced and not to bother her all the time because she's doing things. We talked about a move out date which apparently was whenever she felt I wasn't needed anymore but I said screw it and left a couple weeks early as I already been moving my stuff to storage and was living out of a backpack at that point anyway.

Before moving out, while and directly after my life has been a stressful dumpster fire thanks to the relationship and the parts I played in it, but I've slowly been becoming me again, but life has been very busy trying to rebuild so we've only had a few dates since. Even though I live 15 mins away dating her again is hard since most times I see her or talk to her she is irritated by me trying to talk to or see her and/or just treats me like poop. Yet she constantly complains about how I'm not trying to change or be with her even though every time I attempt I'm given an excuse why she cant do anything or talk.

I haven't talked to her for a few days and reached out to her, and she is mad at me because I missed saying something to her on the anniversary of her family members death. Honestly I forgot exactly which day it was and I wasn't really interested in calling her anyway, just so I could be treated poorly and listen to her blame everything in life on the event for the millionth time.

So now she's exceptionally mad at me and it seems the relationship is finally over, which kinda sucks cause I still love her (least I think, idk anymore, everytime I have a happy memory I talk to her and its ruined) and love her kids and will miss them very much, but I also know I should take the opportunely to run for it and be excited and happy to be leaving the nightmarish relationship. Its just I don't seem to feel that happy about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tired Llama]

So little update,

as I posted I received some texts (always has to have the last word or be right or whatever) from so w bpd, she's upset because she feels abandoned since no one said anything to her about the anniversary of her dead family member, and I was supposed to be the one person that she can count on and truly cared but I showed her otherwise because I didn't even let her know I was thinking of her.

I get it, its tough emotional time and thing to go through and I wasn't there, and so is everyday and everything else it seems I've learned over past 5 years so maybe I am a little desensitized to it all. Or perhaps I would've been there if I hadn't been thrown out of the house with no money, no place to live, and multiple dogs to take care of, sorry everyone, venting.

So, now I am left feeling a little better about what seems to be the end, still wish it wasn't but she doesn't seem to be willing to get the right kind of help so I cant imagine it getting any better as its only gotten worse over time. Guess I should prob listen to the part of me that says just give up and run while I can and start hanging out in the detaching and learning part of the forums