Losing my son in court, for the second time

[ForeverDad]

It was suggested by my therapist to study Borderline. Son has 9 of 9 criteria listed for adolescents. Same as Mom.

Ponder too that your son may not turn out to have BPD when he grows up.  Yes, right now it may look grim.  In most instances the professionals aren't quick to diagnose children since it may be a phase they're going through, often when teens, and may grow out of it.  Clearly, though, his mother is a major cause.

We have a word for it... your son might, at this point, only have "fleas", from his mother's behaviors and influence.  In future years he may get rid of them or some of them.

No one can predict what future years may bring.  Do try to continue whatever contact is possible.  Some blocked parents, when left with no other option, chose to write, email and send positive cards and gifts.  Whether they're blocked, tossed or returned, do make the attempt out of love for your child.  Important:  Keep copies in case (1) there are complaints you're harassing or (2) to share with your child once grown and you're asked about the past.  Some grown children do ask "Why didn't you..." and you'll be able to document you did try.  It may be years from now but it does mean something.

And don't apologize when asking for help, strategies, approaches and ideas.  That's why we're here.  We received help here and are paying it forward to you.

I find Bill Eddy's material on PA more actionable than Dr. Warshak's. Try reading "Don't Alienate the Kids." Then read anything by Dr. Amy Baker.

We mention a variety of books on BPD and how to deal with its impact.  They focus on various topics and have interesting often helpful perceptions.  You never can be sure where your answers, strategies and comfort may be found.

[kells76]

Hi again jeanluc, just wanted you to know I saw your latest post and have been thinking about it. This is the HARDEST stuff. It's absolutely gutwrenching. My H got divorced over a decade ago, he and I met when the kids were 3 & 5, and the kids are 14 & 16 now. Their mom and stepdad are exactly the same as way back then -- many strong BPD & NPD traits. It is an absolute grind of a marathon to stay involved and not pushed to the sidelines. We're not some "success story" just because I am in a certain role here. DH has ~14% overnights and Mom has sole custody. She continues to exclude and minimize him and us consistently to this day, and it takes a huge toll.
That being said, I try to be "on" and present and validating and firm/consistent/reliable whenever we do have some time with the kids. I try to model integrity and nonreactivity and prioritizing their needs. We hav had to play the long game for their hearts and take a lot of losses short term. It has been the most painful thing I have ever done.
Your son's mom probably believes that she has set up so many hurdles that you can't possibly get past them to your son.
She may not expect you to "play the long game" by working to dismantle each hurdle one by one over however long it takes.
Neither we nor you seem to be in a position to "take down all the hurdles" at once in one fell swoop. But what may be true for both our situations is that the parent wBPD cannot picture the devotion and tenacity of a long term committed parent.
I don't know exactly how that long term tenacity will look for you. We can talk it out some more here. But I don't think you've been wasting anyone's time by trying to put together the best plan you have with the cards you've been dealt.
Keep posting as much as is helpful to you. Feel free to read through my whole post history, I think I joined around 2015. It hasn't been picture perfect. Other members on this thread have a lot of history too, don't hesitate to look at their earlier posts and see where they started in terms of custody and conflict.
Just wanted to get that out there for you. I really get that this is beyond difficult.
Let us know how you're doing, whenever works.
kells76

[jeanluc]

Thank you for the kind and supportive words.

It is January 20th, 2026. Since September of 2022 there have been some happenings that fall in line with what would be expected given the scenario.

Reunification occurred and then was disrupted by the Oedipal Dyad as a means to escape responsibility. Avoid, deny, blame, the old circuits fire without regard for consequences that set upon us after the panic subsides. It was the same as before, but in a new area of sensitivity: sexual behavior. He is a teenager now. The drugs have prompted puberty earlier than it would have otherwise.

By setting the bar low, Mom "won". He was complicit in the downward investments. Neither can see the difference. No more sports. No hobbies. No activities outside. No social groups. It's just safer that way.

In addition to the PSB, there is more violence at school. The social worker suspects violence at home toward Mom. The violence has escalated from student to student, to staff member. There are mitigating circumstances, such as the staff worker was untrained and laid hands first (it was a no-holds school system), but they were elderly and female, so it is pretty bad. The current school is the last stop before delinquency and yet still the ability to avoid is honed and executed because the stakes have never been higher. They train him to not get caught. I asked about virtue, doing good when no one is looking, and they laughed. That is not our job, they say. I point out that it might be their only job, but that's just Plato. Don't bother with the cornerstones of Democracy or Western Civilization. We can do it better, they think.

The school has decided to enter him into their own residential program. We ask why and they move their lips and wave there hands saying meaningless things like we will meet "all of his needs", protecting Mom from losing what she has already lost. As far as I can tell, it is because they have a bed available. The half-dozen students inhabiting their 8th grade program while normally they have over 2 dozen and a waitlist a sign of mismanagement or obsolescence with the extensive IEPs available everywhere else. Never mind the fact that institutionalization is a serious risk factor for PSB. Never mind that the PSB intervention with the Child Advocacy Center (CAC) is at risk, not being complied with, and no real ownership of the issue. Just take advantage of the situation because nobody will ever question it. Things relating to children are secret. Shhh... for their protection. If only secret anything made good people.

I am so happy that we have courts of justice to protect parents from showing their children the model the courts expect of the children. If not for the court, my ex would have to deal with her relational baggage and grow up. Thank god she never has to do that. But now how do we show the child that this is not the way... ultimate power, according to the court, is found by being the victim of others. So why then are we surprised by what we find?

I find consolation mostly in the old stories. In Christianity, the greatest sacrifice is that of one's own son. I offer him, as Abraham before me with his own Isaac, his most precious and desired son and legacy. Sometimes the thing we want most is the thing we must be able to let go. I love you; I do not need you. The modern stories pervert love and it is easy to be swept into feelings-based thoughts on the matter. Love does not make you weak. Love does not make your family weak. This frees me from the trying to change what I cannot and focus on what I can. Be ready. Have space for him. Connect and relate. Tell him stories of virtue and sacrifice. Of aiming upward. Help him to find his values and start to see what it looks like. Of living with intention. And missing.

I have had to take work across the country. I have a new family. Besides this aspect, things are well and better each day. The move frees me from my ex's sphere of pathologic distortion. It is like a cloud lifted. Each day I see a little more clearly just how warped I had let things become internally.

No more. We are done with that. Her games do not lead to victory for anyone but the short-sighted Munchausen clan. That is no way to live.

I will never give up on the son we made together. He is family. We do not give up on family. He is my son and he will be okay. I will ask for things to change with dignity, properly, and let the outcome be what it will be.

JL