Focus

[Anonymous22]

Reading others suggestions, I know that I need to focus on myself and not on my uBPDh and his destructive actions.  How do you do that when he is raging, taking about divorce when you don't want one, telling family members that he hasn't talked to in a long time about what a great family he has, wanting to cuddle and have sex most nights, etc.  While I know that I can't, I just want to "fix" this!  I want connection and a life time of happiness together! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately the only one you can *fix* is you. However, in doing that, you might find that your entire situation improves greatly.

Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page.

[SaltyDawg]

Cat Familiar is right.  Only you can fix you. 

I blew off self-care for too long, and once I started, it is the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

My version of self care was to take 3 hours a day for myself -- goal is 5 days per week, many times it is less due to the drama triangle.

Best book to deal with this IMHO is:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

Another good book is:

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger


I was able to checkout both from my local library system.

[Couscous]

  I want connection and a life time of happiness together! 

This is just not going to be possible — and this a loss you will need to grieve.

The power you do have is the ability to find ways to meet your need for connection with other adults — by investing your energy towards building up a support system and cultivating friendships.

The three C’s apply to BPD:

Didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.

Let that be your mantra.

[SaltyDawg]

I too want the same thing -- connection and a lifetime of happiness.

 ...and I am still coming to grips with the 3-C's.  I don't like it; however, I am trying to cope the best I can, while protecting my children who are also under the same roof.