Stuck with a Serious Situation

[victoriousmama]

We live outside the US. My daughter is 18 and just finished high school - by a miracle. She was having too many episodes and issues with her peers that she couldn't go to school for the last 3 months before graduation. Thankfully the school was very supportive and let her work from home and allowed her to get her diploma. We thought that would be a big help to be done with school and move on and it has, but in the last month we've had so much drama. One of the girls my daughter used to be close with started posting all over social media that my daughter tried to kill her. She has made several posts including an email allegedly coming from my daughter's email and also photos allegedly showing bruises etc. I am so confused. First this girl is also not a healthy individual. That I know for a fact.

My daughter has vehemently denied all of this and has plunged into a suicidal pit again after we were just getting her out of it. She has not been out of our sight for the past six months and we have cameras in the house and also get a caregiver to come and stay with her when both my husband and I need to leave at the same time (she's had several bad episodes this past year that could have ended tragically that's why we have taken those extreme measures).

This girl sent me a series of text messages today saying basically the same thing she's been saying on social media...that my daughter has been sending multiple emails threatening to come to her house and kill her etc and saying if it doesn't stop she will file a police report.

I have checked my daughter's email and can't find anything (though I know they could have been deleted). My daughter has in turn received an anonymous email saying "I don't care if you have a mental health problem. You are a monster and I hope you die before you do anything to anyone else."

In all the years we've been dealing with this mental health condition, my daughter has only ever been threatening towards herself and has never been violent or threatening to another person in my knowledge. Even her worst episodes have been self harm or inflicted upon her and not directed at another person.

I don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Victoriousmama
This is a really awful situation you are in. I think it is useful that this girl has texted you with these allegations, and that she is alleging physical abuse ie not just threats via cyberspace.

I would text her back asking for dates and times when your daughter is supposed to have physically abused her and for details eg where did it happen, was anyone else present etc

If she doesn't provide this information I think you can assume she is making it up and perhaps mention that you will get the police involved unless she stops making these accusations. You could also mention defamation proceedings as a possibility.

I understand that your daughter may not want you to go down this path, but the accusations are serious, they are being put out in the public arena. The only way you can test these claims is to ask for facts - when, where, how etc. If the claims were just about electronic abuse it would be more difficult, but this person has  made claims of physical abuse so you have the chance to ask for specific facts.

If the police were called - that is what they would ask for.

So sorry you are in this situation.

[Couscous]

Hi Victoriousmama,

I just read through some of your other posts, and what immediately came to mind for me was dissociation and Dissociative Identity Disorder. If your D’s therapist isn’t familiar with this condition then perhaps you could request a referral. Best wishes to you.

https://nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders

[victoriousmama]

Thank you Sancho and Couscous for your responses!

I was glad to hear you mention DID because my daughter has had a lot of disassociation and I have wondered if this could be the case with this particular situation. It certainly would provide an explanation that makes more sense than anything else. She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD because they said she has to be older, but she fits the profile completely. I remember we looked into DID earlier on and she seems to fit BPD more closely. Although I've just been reading that BPD can also have serious disassociation with memory loss etc. I will talk with her doctors about this.

Part of my concern with interacting with this girl who is making allegations is that both her parents are lawyers and they are not very nice people to begin with. I also don't trust her - even if the allegations were to be true. I don't want to be quick to make threats of legal action because she/her family could easily do the same thing. It would not be helpful at all for our daughter because the system where we live is extremely corrupt and corruptible and I know the parents would easily bribe the police/system because of their positions. Also mental health in our country is still a very tricky discussion. At the same time, I would like to know the truth so that we can know how to deal with it and help our daughter.

I will speak to our therapists and see what they advise. It's so hard to know what to do in a situation like this because if it was true, it's not right what she did, but then again, SHE'S SICK and should not/cannot be treated like an average person. Not to mention we already have had her under 24 hour surveillance since March of this year because of her suicidal and self harm tendencies.

[Sancho]

I think that's the point - that you have had her under 24 hour surveillance. You would not have been able to monitor everything said on social media, texting etc, but to actually physically assault another - well I don't know how this would have been possible.

Which brings me to deciding its the other girl's fantasy/abuse of your dd.

It really is hard to know how to deal with it because you have to base any decision on what is best for your dd.