Mom with BPD - New mom, confusion

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel I've made an awful mistake by reaching out to my BPD mom after being in mostly non-communication for the past year and a half.
I called her, kinda out of the blue, after not talking for about a month after a run-in we had a couple months back, after not talking for most the year. Welcome to the confusing life of an adult child of a parent w BPD. LOL. I did text after the heated discussion, apologizing for the time I needed to cool down and that I hoped she was okay. No response. Typical. I definitely didn't need to apologize, but felt the gesture might help. After I tried to establish boundaries with her years ago, I apparently changed.

Anyway, I was sad about *everything* this past week, had a major weeping session and decided the next day that I actually wanted her to know that under all the anger and resentment that I'm actually very sad about our relationship. No response yet, so I'm feeling like an idiot for making myself vulnerable.

In a way, I feel like I needed to let her know since most of our conversations are consumed with her feelings and issues. As much as I hope that she will respond in an emotionally appropriate way, I know she is likely incapable.

In a strange way, it feels empowering to let her know my sadness and to express my sadness. I've been holding it down a lot. She's just really declined this past year after a suicide attempt that occurred the same day I went into labor. *Ouch*  Very unexpected after years of her sobriety.  Anyway, I just wish I could be honest with her. I'm working on things with my therapist, but just feel so weird and sad about the major changes that have occured in the last year and a half and I guess after all the anger I've felt towards her, a real sadness came out that I wish she at least knew I was going through.

Again and again I've tried to be the bigger person, to control my responses, but I decided it was better for me to focus on my family and role as a new mom. I want things to be better between my mom and I before I feel open to having her come into the grandma role. I just don't trust her yet because she has still been super aggressive with me, playing victim, and not taking accountability for her actions and the status of our relationship. I haven't sent any photos of my child recently, and last time we talked she said I was cheap with the pictures. Among other jabs like my husband shows more affection to our child than I do. Psh. ect. ect.

I know there's a part of me who would love for her to give a caring response to my "I'm sad" text, but I don't expect that. I think coming out of all of this, I need advice on the next steps. I don't even have a plan for our conversation which I feel could end in a disaster. It's very unlike me to not have a plan going into conversations with her these days. I guess the idea is that I want to be supportive but also prioritize myself and the things I need to express to her too. I'm working on that. Last time we talked I told her I wasn't Mother Teresa. LOL. Much improvement needed here haha.

I just can't and don't want to play the parent role anymore with her. I also wish I did not have so much resentment. She'll probably claim my text didn't go through so I might have to just prepare for a no response. Idk if that is better than an unsupportive response?

Well, maybe I made the mistake I would feel guilty for not doing anyway. YOLO. Learning every darn day.

[newleaf03]

I feel I've made an awful mistake by reaching out to my BPD mom after being in mostly non-communication for the past year and a half.
I called her, kinda out of the blue, after not talking for about a month after a run-in we had a couple months back, after not talking for most the year. Welcome to the confusing life of an adult child of a parent w BPD. LOL. I did text after the heated discussion, apologizing for the time I needed to cool down and that I hoped she was okay. No response. Typical. I definitely didn't need to apologize, but felt the gesture might help. After I tried to establish boundaries with her years ago, I apparently changed.

Anyway, I was sad about *everything* this past week, had a major weeping session and decided the next day that I actually wanted her to know that under all the anger and resentment that I'm actually very sad about our relationship. No response yet, so I'm feeling like an idiot for making myself vulnerable.

In a way, I feel like I needed to let her know since most of our conversations are consumed with her feelings and issues. As much as I hope that she will respond in an emotionally appropriate way, I know she is likely incapable.

In a strange way, it feels empowering to let her know my sadness and to express my sadness. I've been holding it down a lot. She's just really declined this past year after a suicide attempt that occurred the same day I went into labor. *Ouch*  Very unexpected after years of her sobriety.  Anyway, I just wish I could be honest with her. I'm working on things with my therapist, but just feel so weird and sad about the major changes that have occured in the last year and a half and I guess after all the anger I've felt towards her, a real sadness came out that I wish she at least knew I was going through.

Again and again I've tried to be the bigger person, to control my responses, but I decided it was better for me to focus on my family and role as a new mom. I want things to be better between my mom and I before I feel open to having her come into the grandma role. I just don't trust her yet because she has still been super aggressive with me, playing victim, and not taking accountability for her actions and the status of our relationship. I haven't sent any photos of my child recently, and last time we talked she said I was cheap with the pictures. Among other jabs like my husband shows more affection to our child than I do. Psh. ect. ect.

I know there's a part of me who would love for her to give a caring response to my "I'm sad" text, but I don't expect that. I think coming out of all of this, I need advice on the next steps. I don't even have a plan for our conversation which I feel could end in a disaster. It's very unlike me to not have a plan going into conversations with her these days. I guess the idea is that I want to be supportive but also prioritize myself and the things I need to express to her too. I'm working on that. Last time we talked I told her I wasn't Mother Teresa. LOL. Much improvement needed here haha.

I just can't and don't want to play the parent role anymore with her. I also wish I did not have so much resentment. She'll probably claim my text didn't go through so I might have to just prepare for a no response. Idk if that is better than an unsupportive response?

Well, maybe I made the mistake I would feel guilty for not doing anyway. YOLO. Learning every darn day.

[Turkish]

She's just really declined this past year after a suicide attempt that occurred the same day I went into labor. 

That's unbelievable that you had to deal with that.

The jabs are her projecting. She wishes herself into the mothering role. My mom wasn't as cruel, but I received criticisms.

Even if it's painful, I'm glad that your instict is to keep your child safe.

Less can be more 2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

[newleaf03]

@Turkish Thanks for your response. It can be hard to trust my own instinct sometimes b/c I'm so used to putting her first. I'm working on that...

And I think you're 100% right with the idea of less is more. Thanks for that advice too.  Going to check out that link rn!

[Notwendy]

This is understandable. You just became a mother yourself- and it's so natural to reach out for your own mother at this time. The kind of love you feel for your new baby- you hope to have that kind of connection with your own mother. I think it's instinctual, even spiritual.

Motherhood becomes a journey of reflection when you see the contrast between what you accepted as "normal" and the relationship you form with your child. How she treated you may be different from what you would do as a parent.

The reason you reached out to your mother was not to be hurtful or unkind. If we express sadness or anger at someone, it's in hopes of being able to repair the relationship. It's hope for something better. It's hard to hear this kind of message but a caring person will hopefully see the opportunity to apologize.

One thing that helped me to understand what is different with my BPD mother is the Karpman triangle model of dysfunction. She tends to see things in victim mode. If I were to reach out to her like that ( and I have tried ) she perceives it as an attempt to hurt her- from victim perspective and sees me as persecutor. PwBPD have a poor sense of self and she feels attacked. Her response is to fight back. It's self defense to her. Unfortunately this kind of dynamic makes change on her part difficult or even not possible. She can't hear the message that her behaviors are hurtful so she doesn't know to change them.

When you reach out to your mother like that, you are assuming she has the capacity to respond like we expect a mother to do. You know you'd not ever want to cause your own child to feel hurt. Unfortunately your mother doesn't perceive things in the same way.

It's dramatic that your mother made that attempt right at the time your child was about to be born. What a contrast. And for you to have that kind of distress at what should be one of the most happiest moments in your life. My kids are young adults and each transition is something to celebrate- yet it also has a sadness to it as they mark a new stage for the child and a letting go of the old. You will find yourself with a mix of feelings as your child starts kindergarten, pedals off on a bike, drives off in a car, and maybe one day has their own child. As a parent, our job is to help our children become independent adults- to be their own person. Parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves, not as individual and separate people and perhaps these steps to adulthood bring more distress to them?

You are not responsible for your mother's feelings or actions. You may be used to putting her first but she isn't first anymore. Your responsibility is to your baby who is completely dependent on you at the moment, and also to taking care of yourself so you can be the best for that baby. Congrats and enjoy that little one.

[SassyHelo]

I just became a mom myself and have found myself in therapy over how much resentment I have been feeling towards my own mother since this major life change. It was there my therapist suggested that my mother might have BPD and suddenly my world made sense. Reading through advice on managing a relationship with someone with BPD I have a hard time wanting to take the high road- I’ve been invalidated my whole life, I feel like I just managed to find my voice… why should I now be the one to ‘validate her emotions’?

Anyway, all that is to say is you’re not stupid for reaching out to her. You’re not stupid for apologizing. You’re just finding what works or doesn’t work for this relationship. Maybe it’s not worth it to you and that’s valid.

Recently jealousy over my mother not getting what she believes is her fair share of time with the baby has been a flashpoint. Victimhood is a common theme here. I have been tempted to ‘cut her off’ for much less than what you’re describing. I am also realizing that while I’m positive (as is the rest of my family) that BPD is the issue here, my mother is on the less severe side of the spectrum. I really feel for the inner conflict  you must be going through.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I have a hard time wanting to take the high road- I’ve been invalidated my whole life, I feel like I just managed to find my voice… why should I now be the one to ‘validate her emotions’?

And you don't have to.

This is a process, and it begins with validating yourself and processing your anger. You can cut her off, you can be angry at her, you can rage, hate her... Actually, you have a right to feel angry and you have a right to direct it at her too.

My BPD mother acted like a victim when I had my children too, and she would write me every day asking for pictures, while I was trying to heal and to understand the dynamic of our relationship. I remember shivering from pure rage everytime I read her texts. I cut her off to heal.

Part of me wanted to hurt her, and this part is just as valid as the others, more mature parts who wanted to heal. It was my inner child who was enraged. And I cut my BPD mother off to be able to parent my inner child better.

There is no right or wrong way to go about this. The only thing we cannot expect from our mothers is compassion toward us. This, we have to learn to give it to ourselves.

The truth is : you didn't have a mother, not in the real sense of the word anyway. But as you became a mother yourself, as you unlocked this part of you, I am sure you will find it very healing and cathartic to give your children what you couldn't have, to be the healthy mother you deserved, to them AND to yourself now...

You didn't have a mother and you didn't have a childhood, you need to grieve those. Don't rush it. Rage and anger need to be felt before you can contact pain and hurt... Then you will be on your way toward peace. Not necessarily happiness, a lot of us found that we will always carry hurt and sadness, a lingering scar, but peace of mind is achievable, and feels just as good.

Sending you support.  

[zachira]

Having a mother with BPD and all the dysfunctional behaviors that go with it and around her is a lifelong sorrow. My mother with BPD is deceased and I still feel very sad about it. It sounds like your mother cannot bear for you to be a separate person from her. Now you are an adult and a mother, and your child is the most important person in your life. People with BPD cannot tolerate their own feelings and one of their dysfunctional coping mechanisms is to dump how badly they feel on someone else; oftentimes a mother with BPD grooms her daughter to be the main target of all the feelings she cannot bear. Our challenge when we have a mother with BPD in our lives, is to feel our feelings without feeling guilty, and to let our mother take responsiblity for hers. Your concerns about your child and how to interact with your BPD mother are normal. My heart breaks hearing how your mother tried to commit suicide on the day you went into labor. It is so normal to want to express how you feel and want to be understood by your own mother. A great deal of healing can come from being the kind of mother to your own child that you wished you could have had.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I did want to clarify that when I said : direct your anger at her, I didn't mean it literally... I meant it more as : directing your anger where it belongs i.e. not at yourself and the world, but at her,to acknowledge everything she put you through, and be able to use it as a separation emotion, to protect yourself.

Anger can be a powerful tool of action and self-protection, and it is ok to feel it and to validate it.

As children of pwBPD, we were taught anger was bad, we weren't allowed to use it, unless we were ready to receive the full rage of a grown adult. We learned to fear it, to feel guilty because we were angry...

And so, what I meant, also, is to validate your anger toward your mother with no guilt.