My Trauma With Women

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Met this BPD girl (didn't realize it at the time) on a sex website, and I kept my distance, and was nice to her about her trauma, not saying I was some saint, but I was very thoughtful about her delicate situation, and I didn't try to take advantage. I feel like, power dynamics in these situations are based on how well you navigate them, not some rigid black and white thing. Which is why, I relied on my own restraint and thoughtfulness to guide me. Also, I was protecting myself by keeping my distance.

Anyways I got close to her because I somehow dumped on her in a moment, I was having about my friends suicide, and she played me good after this, this girl, she like messed with me hardcore, degradation (literal), shaming (literal), manipulations up the ying yang, this messed me up sexually. At the end of our friendship, I told her basically that a sex site is not a good place to find healing for trauma, as she was trying to suck me dry when I was miserable, after my friends memorial.

Not a big fan of Reddit for a lot of stuff (even though I have like 200k karma from being myself mostly), yeah this is a brag, but it just shows how disenchanted I have been with the place, since I think the rules and prejudices are so out of hand, it's ridiculous, because they enforce prejudices to try to protect vulnerable groups excessively in my opinion, which I totally agree need some protection, but not to the point where they view those groups as saints and don't allowed difficult discussions to happen. I've found it extremely hard to find a place where people take men being abused seriously, and it's happened to me, even when I was on good behavior, not perfect mind you. I actually picked decent women and avoided the worst ones, until my friends suicide, in which my decision making was worse, and the shock and pain of it all drove me to make worse decisions and people took advantage of it.

So anyways, I meet a girl on reddit, and I liked that she said everyone kisses womens butts on there and let them off the hook for everything, because I find that true, I mention sex one time, to kind of mention that I am non judgmental about it, but that I won't hit on her, since she had sexual trauma. She tries to seduce me right after, and I had poor self control for a tiny bit, realized it was hurting me, set tons of boundaries, and she kind of manipulated me, and disregarded them. So that sucked, and sabotaged my day, before my doctors appointment, and I blocked her, because I don't trust her, because she didn't respect the boundaries I set, and her behavior was manipulative.

Then also, on this sex site, I mention Narcissism being something to watch out for, because you can get hurt pretty bad by them, especially in a sexual context, and I want to spread the word about it, because you know how outspoken I can be. So, then, another girl targets me, and her pandering and over dumping worked on me, since I was feeling crappy, and let things slip a bit. But her strategy of wearing me down, ignoring my needs, using "over consideration" to cross my boundaries to actually be inconsiderate works, then she guilt trips me, and tries to push boundaries more when I tell her I feel like total crap and need space. Anyways, I snap at her, when she tries to dump a 10 page sexual fantasy on me, when I feel like crap, and I basically don't put up with it, because her lack of personal accountability made it clear as day, that she was so insanely one sided, and honestly, horrible.

Okay, now flash back to my friends suicide, and his Mom, which was completely non-sexual, but she kind of made it romantic seeming, I had a couple feelings of romance, but never acted on them/indulged them, and I often felt uncomfortable with where she went with all her wording and love bombing, but I didn't speak up, because I hadn't been super close to a woman in a long time, especially one who I thought was "healthy", and thought maybe it was my own issue, so I end up compromising myself too much, because of that, and the fact that I feel her situation is delicate, which is what leads to me, like losing control enough to cross her boundaries more than I'm proud of, also guilt about my friends suicide leads me to over help. Like, early on, these things didn't cascade, because I had good self control, and would journal to cope, but I really think she manipulated me, so this hurt a lot, and it's also what led me to the other sexual stuff. Sure, I am sexually liberal, but I feel like, I didn't have some hardcore addiction, I actually tended to show restraint, since I like to be responsible within reason, and like not neglect my life over it, or do regretful things.

Anyways, just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to make this hyper sexual, this is just my experience, I am trying to be appropriate, and I need to talk about my trauma. I know women experience sexual violence, men acting entitled to their bodies and all sort of stuff. Don't really like either sex being scapgoated/vilified or idealized/pandered to. But there's an awful lot of prejudice out there. So I am going to just have the courage to share my story, damned the consequences.

I find this happens to me, because I have restraint, because women often hate male entitlement, so when I show restraint they like that. Also, if I don't act desperate, and nonchalant, then they target me for that too. Also I tend to be well intentioned, so that's a good thing to take advantage of. I just need to be more shrewd, pick better people, and not get involved deep with new people, in the wrong spaces, before I heal from one thing, ugh.

It really sucks to have people mess with you this bad, and target your vulnerabilities, and your hardship, and actually try to hurt you. It sucks to feel so conflicted because their actions didn't line up with their words, and the start of the relationship is the polar opposite of the end of it, and they never give you closure. The inner conflict is the worst part. Since it's like you're temporarily splitting yourself until you resolve it. This is HARD!

Anyways, I'm not a saint, I've made my mistakes. Just trying to heal and move on, just like everyone else. But I am not gonna lie and say I acted worse than I actually did. Also, I just don't want this to devolve, this isn't easy for me to share. Appreciate it if we keep this appropriate.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Met this BPD girl (didn't realize it at the time) on a sex website, and I kept my distance, and was nice to her about her trauma, not saying I was some saint, but I was very thoughtful about her delicate situation, and I didn't try to take advantage. I feel like, power dynamics in these situations are based on how well you navigate them, not some rigid black and white thing. Which is why, I relied on my own restraint and thoughtfulness to guide me. Also, I was protecting myself by keeping my distance.

Anyways I got close to her because I somehow dumped on her in a moment, I was having about my friends suicide, and she played me good after this, this girl, she like messed with me hardcore, degradation (literal), shaming (literal), manipulations up the ying yang, this messed me up sexually. At the end of our friendship, I told her basically that a sex site is not a good place to find healing for trauma, as she was trying to suck me dry when I was miserable, after my friends memorial.

Not a big fan of Reddit for a lot of stuff (even though I have like 200k karma from being myself mostly), yeah this is a brag, but it just shows how disenchanted I have been with the place, since I think the rules and prejudices are so out of hand, it's ridiculous, because they enforce prejudices to try to protect vulnerable groups excessively in my opinion, which I totally agree need some protection, but not to the point where they view those groups as saints and don't allowed difficult discussions to happen. I've found it extremely hard to find a place where people take men being abused seriously, and it's happened to me, even when I was on good behavior, not perfect mind you. I actually picked decent women and avoided the worst ones, until my friends suicide, in which my decision making was worse, and the shock and pain of it all drove me to make worse decisions and people took advantage of it.

So anyways, I meet a girl on reddit, and I liked that she said everyone kisses womens butts on there and let them off the hook for everything, because I find that true, I mention sex one time, to kind of mention that I am non judgmental about it, but that I won't hit on her, since she had sexual trauma. She tries to seduce me right after, and I had poor self control for a tiny bit, realized it was hurting me, set tons of boundaries, and she kind of manipulated me, and disregarded them. So that sucked, and sabotaged my day, before my doctors appointment, and I blocked her, because I don't trust her, because she didn't respect the boundaries I set, and her behavior was manipulative.

Then also, on this sex site, I mention Narcissism being something to watch out for, because you can get hurt pretty bad by them, especially in a sexual context, and I want to spread the word about it, because you know how outspoken I can be. So, then, another girl targets me, and her pandering and over dumping worked on me, since I was feeling crappy, and let things slip a bit. But her strategy of wearing me down, ignoring my needs, using "over consideration" to cross my boundaries to actually be inconsiderate works, then she guilt trips me, and tries to push boundaries more when I tell her I feel like total crap and need space. Anyways, I snap at her, when she tries to dump a 10 page sexual fantasy on me, when I feel like crap, and I basically don't put up with it, because her lack of personal accountability made it clear as day, that she was so insanely one sided, and honestly, horrible.

Okay, now flash back to my friends suicide, and his Mom, which was completely non-sexual, but she kind of made it romantic seeming, I had a couple feelings of romance, but never acted on them/indulged them, and I often felt uncomfortable with where she went with all her wording and love bombing, but I didn't speak up, because I hadn't been super close to a woman in a long time, especially one who I thought was "healthy", and thought maybe it was my own issue, so I end up compromising myself too much, because of that, and the fact that I feel her situation is delicate, which is what leads to me, like losing control enough to cross her boundaries more than I'm proud of, also guilt about my friends suicide leads me to over help. Like, early on, these things didn't cascade, because I had good self control, and would journal to cope, but I really think she manipulated me, so this hurt a lot, and it's also what led me to the other sexual stuff. Sure, I am sexually liberal, but I feel like, I didn't have some hardcore addiction, I actually tended to show restraint, since I like to be responsible within reason, and like not neglect my life over it, or do regretful things.

Anyways, just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to make this hyper sexual, this is just my experience, I am trying to be appropriate, and I need to talk about my trauma. I know women experience sexual violence, men acting entitled to their bodies and all sort of stuff. Don't really like either sex being scapgoated/vilified or idealized/pandered to. But there's an awful lot of prejudice out there. So I am going to just have the courage to share my story, damned the consequences.

I find this happens to me, because I have restraint, because women often hate male entitlement, so when I show restraint they like that. Also, if I don't act desperate, and nonchalant, then they target me for that too. Also I tend to be well intentioned, so that's a good thing to take advantage of. I just need to be more shrewd, pick better people, and not get involved deep with new people, in the wrong spaces, before I heal from one thing, ugh.

It really sucks to have people mess with you this bad, and target your vulnerabilities, and your hardship, and actually try to hurt you. It sucks to feel so conflicted because their actions didn't line up with their words, and the start of the relationship is the polar opposite of the end of it, and they never give you closure. The inner conflict is the worst part. Since it's like you're temporarily splitting yourself until you resolve it. This is HARD!

Anyways, I'm not a saint, I've made my mistakes. Just trying to heal and move on, just like everyone else. But I am not gonna lie and say I acted worse than I actually did. Also, I just don't want this to devolve, this isn't easy for me to share. Appreciate it if we keep this appropriate.