strange behavior

[yellowbutterfly]

I was cleaning the house today when I put a shaving kit of my H's on his desk and asked him if he could zip it so we could put it somewhere else. It had been near the toilet and he freaked out. I didn't even realize this would be a problem as I honestly didn't think it was dirty.

He got irate and told me to move it off his desk and called me names. Apparently, it was on his favorite hat (his desk is a mess) and he was grossed out. All of this is coming from the man who will leave shoes on the coffee table!

I sort of froze and then said no, you move it, stop yelling at me. Which I know was childish but I'm so tired of being controlled by him and then having him pretend he's not doing it.

This exploded him into a rage fit where he belittled me and called me many names. He then threatened to take my belongings and damage them. I told him he was behaving bizarrely and that I didn't realize it was such a big deal. He kept saying it was covered in pee, so, I told him then to have better aim at the toilet.

He then took multiple shoes of his out of the closet and tossed them on the bed, then proceeded to rub his dirty tennis shoes all over the bed in retaliation. I told him he was acting like a child and what on earth was he doing. He then took my favorite hat and put it in THE TOILET! Splashed it all around so much the whole bathroom got wet including him.

This is the strangest behavior. This isn't a normal reaction. I just need someone else to recognize this as he is so out of control that he thinks this is ok to do.

[Couscous]

This isn't a normal reaction. I just need someone else to recognize this as he is so out of control that he thinks this is ok to do.

You are correct. It’s not normal; it’s abusive. Perhaps you could call a hotline to get some additional perspective?

[ForeverDad]

This does not sound like someone you can pleasantly spend the rest of your life with, much less the rest of the year.

You're pondering the end of the relationship.  Please be aware that when a relationship is ending the risk of heightened conflict rises.  You have no idea how much worse living with him can become.  PwBPD are often described as persons fearing abandonment, but their behavior can force abandonment.  Yes, makes no sense, but that is disordered behavior, it does not make normal sense.  Be aware.  Beware.

[SinisterComplex]

This does not sound like someone you can pleasantly spend the rest of your life with, much less the rest of the year.

You're pondering the end of the relationship.  Please be aware that when a relationship is ending the risk of heightened conflict rises.  You have no idea how much worse living with him can become.  PwBPD are often described as persons fearing abandonment, but their behavior can force abandonment.  Yes, makes no sense, but that is disordered behavior, it does not make normal sense.  Be aware.  Beware.

^^^Please heed FD's words here. If you think this kind of behavior is bizarre...well it can and certainly will most likely get worse and more intense as well.

What you do is up to you of course, but I would highly suggest you find a way to get some ME time and truly analyze how you want the rest of your life to go.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[livednlearned]

This is the strangest behavior. This isn't a normal reaction. I just need someone else to recognize this as he is so out of control that he thinks this is ok to do.

Are you looking for thoughts on what happened in that interaction?

[maxsterling]

Well, it is not normal, but within the range of behavior many of us have seen.  I haven't seen my W put anything in the toilet yet, but the rest of the behavior I can relate tom.  Maybe not quite to that extreme.  I have had her complain about where something is only to have me move it and then her rage about where I moved it to.  She's thrown out perfectly good things because there was hair on it.  I've had her tell me to do something and then rage because I did what she asked, claiming she never told me to do that. 

My best advice is to find a way to get the hell our of there long before it gets that bad.  Don't respond back to him.  And when you leave turn off your phone for awhile. 

[Couscous]

I sort of froze and then said no, you move it, stop yelling at me. Which I know was childish but I'm so tired of being controlled by him and then having him pretend he's not doing it.

What concerns me greatly is that it was your trying to stand up for yourself that triggered this explosion. I think that a call to a DV hotline is warranted in order for them to assess if you could be in any physical danger. I echo what ForeverDad says: Beware.

[ForeverDad]

We did not have a child until a decade of marriage.  What had started out with hopes and wishes, very, very gradually things had gotten worse over the years.  In the past I often posted that she didn't start out full Borderline, but there were incidents over the years I discounted hoping her path would improve.  Sadly, it didn't.  I was clueless about PDs and thought if we had a child she would feel better with her life and enjoy seeing our child discover life.  Um, no.  She was a survivor of family abuse actively by her stepfather and subtly supported by her mother.  I look back and believe she pictured me as a father (which I had become) and negatively compared me to her stepfather.  By the time our child was 3 years old it had gotten so bad that I was facing the realization that the marriage was ending and nothing I did could change that impending train wreck.  I was already a parent and finally accepted (Acceptance is reported to be the first stage of grieving a loss) I had to protect myself and my parenting.  I didn't want that outcome but the more I learned, the more I realized there was no other option left.

Anyway, my point is this... with BPD and especially if therapy is not diligently applied in the disordered person's life, it will continue to get worse.  And worse.

Almost like a roller coaster that started with thrills but ended up as chills, fortunately you can decide whether to get off the next time you're in the offloading station.

[Notwendy]

One aspect of living with a disordered person is that we may start to question our own perception. How can a person be so loving and wonderful and then, in an instant, behave like your H? And if he blames you for it, you would start to wonder if perhaps it's you who are responsible for his behavior. I think what you are asking for is a reality check due to this situation as perhaps you feel you can't trust your own sense of what is normal behavior and what isn't.

By now, he may also be loving, lucid, and kind and you are asking "did this really happen?"

First of all, the behavior you described isn't just strange. It's inappropriate for someone his age and even if a child did that, that child would be put in "time out" for that kind of behavior, but behavior can be "normalized" if it's tolerated and eventually, we might even question our own perception when the person acts so normal the next day.

FD makes an important point. Without some kind of mental health intervention, this behavior continues because it works for them. It's a release of their own uncomfortable feelings and unless they learn to manage them in an adult and appropriate way, it continues. In addition, whatever you tolerate - continues because there's no motivation to change. The person also has to be willing and able to work with a therapist.

I understand why you asked "is this behavior strange?" because it can become a normal in a relationship so here it is- this is not appropriate behavior for an adult.

[yellowbutterfly]

This is not someone I can spend the rest of my life with and I've decided to end the marriage. I am filing for divorce on the 15th (soonest I'm allowed to do so as it will be 6 months). Our couples therapist asked us a question for homework in the last session, "why stay?" I know the answer for me is not to stay, there's nothing left here but FOG and that is not a reason to stay. I'm so unhappy, so not myself, so put down but I'm building back up the pieces of me.

Last night, he pressured me into having yet another conversation about the relationship. This time I was calm and collected and able to say that it was over. He finally heard my words.

The conversation, of course, took its many turns on his part with begging me to stay, guilting me, belittling me, and over and over. I've been working in therapy to be more mindful so that I can respond, not react to him. It is starting to work for me! I was able to recognize the manipulation and not fall prey. It wasn't easy and the whole ordeal was difficult but I feel a mix of emotions today: guilty, relieved, sad, calm, etc.

Thank you all @ForeverDad, @couscous, @sinistercomplex, @livednlearned, @maxsterling, @notwendy for replying to me and reinforcing what I already know, this is not normal behavior and is not healthy for me.

I've accepted that it is over and I've stated that it is for me. Nothing he can do will change my mind. 

As for his reactions, he was surprisingly calm, then spent hours typing on the computer. Then he went for a drive in the middle of the night and came back home and woke me up asking again for me to reconsider. Today he is giving me the silent treatment and refuses to have his lawyer contact mine.

I'm wary of what I will experience going home tonight but
I have a safety plan I can execute as needed. I feel strangely calm but I know I need to be aware and keep my wits about me.

I have a friend who is on call and in fact a lot of friends/places I could stay. I feel grateful for my support system.