Getting my life back…

[thankful person]

Hi all,

I’m sure you will all be more or less familiar with the aspect of giving up things you enjoy/people you love all in the name of “keeping the peace” and “hoping the pwbpd will be happy”.

In my own case, the enmeshment had become extremely severe and some of you may remember me being too nervous to have a shower without permission, to take photos of my own children and send them to my mother, and not playing the piano, all because of my wife’s jealousy and need to control me.

I have fought back to a point where things are much improved. My wife treats me with much more respect. She no longer orders me not to wear certain items or anything of the sort. She is coping so much better since I learnt to stand up for myself, set boundaries and validate validate validate.

However, we have got to a point where I have a new challenge ahead. I have been a self employed piano teacher for many years. When I was first with my wife, alongside this I worked in schools/pre-schools. My wife hated all of this. But she likes me earning money. My business became successful to a point where I gave up the school and pre-school work, mostly because of my wife’s jealousy. She didn’t want me making friends and being part of such a community. In my last post as a teaching assistant, I was bullied out of the job (by other staff) and eventually left. But I was going through a terrible time in the first year of my bpd relationship, physical and emotional abuse, the loss of my previous relationship (even though I left him for her I felt I could never forgive myself). I now wonder if the staff at the school took my unhappiness and personal pain as though I was looking down on them or something. I was also very detached as my wife didn’t want me making friends. I had a couple of friends there who texted after I left, but I soon blocked them, again as my wife was jealous.

Anyway, since covid and having a sick baby last year, I have been teaching online and have now moved a long way away. I only have five students left from before covid, plus two online and three new local ones. Financially the whole country is struggling.

My plan is to go back to working in a school alongside my teaching. My wife is due to have our third child in November. She is coping so well with the pregnancy compared to the past, and with our two young children. But she is worried about coping with three pre-schoolers on her own, as I’ve basically been home most of the time up till now. But we as a family need the money. I finally feel brave enough to face this. To get my life back on track. I have an interview tomorrow. My mother is visiting for a couple of days next week. She will be staying in a hotel locally as my wife wanted that, and only visiting in the morning, but I’m just so happy she’s coming and so is she. I am not nervous of saying mum and I are going out for coffee or a meal like I used to be.

Any advice for how to handle the coming days and months would be so appreciated. The validating is already helping so much it is like actual magic because every time I acknowledge my wife’s feelings without judgment, I can absolutely remember how things descended into hell when I used to try to reassure her (the dreaded arguing/disagreeing). Any other advice for coping with her reaction to me (hopefully) starting a new job, getting to know other people etc. etc?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Just keep doing what you have been doing. Hold firm to your conviction that you need to make money for your family and this is how you are going to do it.
Don’t waver from your stance.

[kells76]

I do get the concern that your W would have her hands full with three pre-schoolers. It's tricky for me to know whether an offer of help/support with childcare would be a positive thing or would inadvertently send the message that "Thankful Person going back to work is going to be SO OVERWHELMING that you simply won't be able to cope". What's your sense? Wondering if offering/proposing more childcare before the fact might be more destabilizing than the reverse (first go back to work, then reassess). It's also possible your W may need to experience taking care of 3 kids for a bit and then may "come up with the idea on her own" of getting more help with the kids.

Or, pitching it as "you deserve a day off, you do so much for the babies, we will get a sitter on Tuesdays when I'm at work and you just go get a manicure and take care of yourself"... can work for some personalities.

If she is "mostly okay" with the kids then it might be fine to go back to work, not decide or offer anything about "extra childcare" and just wait and listen to how she talks about caring for the kids. Probably you will pick up on any clues that things are OK or that things need to change.

...

Cat Familiar's overall recommendation that no matter what, you maintain "calm firmness and resolve" is smart. Again, I suspect that any wavering on your part, or conversations of "maybe you're right, maybe I shouldn't go back to work, you have a point" might inadvertently send the message that "things are not under control, things are chaotic and unsettled, it's time to panic". A low-key, warm yet committed "we're doing this / I'm doing this" posture may stabilize things at home.

Congrats on getting back into more teaching!

[Couscous]

I recommend looking for any local parenting support resources like parenting classes and mothers groups that she can participate in. It’s very important for her to be around healthy mothers in order for her to see what healthy parenting looks like since it sounds like her own mother was not a healthy role model. Where we live there are positive/gentle parenting classes that provide childcare while both parents take the class.

[thankful person]

Thanks guys. The school want to take me on but are now requesting a police check from the overseas country I was in before, so this will deter things (baby due in 7 weeks and I’m going to have a couple of weeks off then anyway..) In the meantime, it seems there are other agencies who don’t require such a thing so I may be able to ease back into it a bit more slowly.

My wife is coping so well with the children, their routine and behaviour, it is like she has matured into motherhood, but I’m sure it is because I have learned so much about coping with the bpd, managing my expectations and reactions… I don’t waiver like I used to and I’m generally very careful what I say about anything! I think her biggest challenge is preparing meals for the children. Her whole family are disordered eaters and our kids are fussy. I usually end up getting something for everyone on my way home. I’d rather get out of this habit but it’s hard when it’s like, get something or everyone starves… My wife did go through a few weeks of planning a weekly menu and it worked brilliantly but she became discouraged when the children didn’t eat some of the meals.

I’m also so keen for her to meet other parents. My 2 year old daughter has been invited to a friend’s birthday party for the first time, and I thought it would be a great way to meet some adults too but my wife is not keen as she is heavily pregnant and can’t do much in the way of supervising our children. My wife feels she missed out on taking her first baby to baby groups due to covid and now it’s more complicated with two kids (an excuse but true). She was so keen to make friends in our new town but already she’s sending fb messages to the woman across the street (who was very friendly and welcoming to us in person) but her messages have been ignored so my wife is disappointed in this as she’s quick to judge. I’ve also always found people rather useless like this but I’m old and over it now haha.

Once new baby arrives my wife will be breast feeding and has always found she can’t have much of a life so she’ll probably be staying in lots. But our eldest gets some funded morning day care hours in January, which will be a bit easier but even drop offs are a challenge with them aged 1 and 2. I think the new baby will be in a sling so in some ways not much different to being heavily pregnant.

Honestly I’m so proud of my wife, it sounds terrible but I didn’t think she had it in her. The first year or so of motherhood was awful with her screeching at me all the time. I’m so glad things have improved. I just hope she will manage just as well with the three. I’ll certainly be supportive but I won’t be spending my whole lunch break on the phone to her as was the rule before kids! She doesn’t have time for it now. I’m also careful not to say certain things. Like, I loved the school. The teachers were all friendly. The kids were wonderful. The head was asking them, why are we the best school? And they were like, we’re kind, helpful, hardworking, well behaved and all. I know my wife would already be feeling much more jealous if I told her how much I liked it so I was more like, “I need a job, it’ll do…”

[Couscous]

While it’s probably preferable for your wife to stop cooking due to her taking it personally that they are ‘picky’ eaters (i.e., normal toddlers) than for her to attempt to force them to eat which could result in your kids developing eating disorders themselves, this means you will need to resign yourself to picking up food everyday. Perhaps she would be willing to go to counseling over this issue? At the very least it would be highly advantageous for her to learn about normal child development. Here’s a good resource for that: https://m.facebook.com/visiblechildinc/?__tn__=C

My BPD/NPD mother had 4 kids under the age of four. I am the eldest and by the time I turned 4 she started leaning on me to help with parenting my 3 year old twin brothers. Not because she couldn’t manage but because it was more convenient for her. I know this for a fact because she remarried and had 4 more children when I was a teenager and I witnessed the same pattern repeat with my younger sister who was pressed into service as their nanny at the age of 10 even though my mother clearly had the capacity to fulfill her parental responsibilities.

I didn’t go to nursery school — I assume she kept me home so I could babysit my brothers, and basically I missed out on getting to be a kid. It’s a real pity my mother had been a stay at home mom because it would have been much better if she had gone to work and we had gone to day care.

I would definitely encourage you to be alert to attempts by your wife to ‘parentify’ your kids and to turn to them for comfort and emotional support which she will instinctively want to do.

[thankful person]

Thanks Couscous and for sharing your story. I have checked out visible child. It echoes my own philosophies so far, in fact I just read the article about toilet training. As a seasoned Early years professional, I literally don’t see the point until they’re actually saying they want to! But usually people disagree. My wife was determined to toilet train our eldest at two, but gave up the routine when nothing was happening. I’ll try to find some info about eating as that’s a bit different when they’re at daycare. I’m so happy my daughter is at nursery. It’s good for her. She is naturally mature but loves people of all ages. My wife doesn’t often take her own feelings out on them these days, but they are of course witness to her dysregulated emotions, maybe a couple of times a week at this stage of the pregnancy. My eldest seems baffled and concerned, she is a tough little thing and rarely complains, she is helpful around the house out of choice and does attempt to comfort her mother, saying, “it’s ok”. When she shows spontaneous affection towards me then my wife is often jealous and usually will ask for her own kiss and cuddle. Sometimes my daughter refuses which upsets my wife. I find it a shame my wife is like this. We both agree that children shouldn’t be made to cuddle family members eg. Grandparents if they don’t want to, but she doesn’t think the same rule applies to her. I will certainly watch out for what your warning me of, as I say the eldest is so mature at just under three.. I wonder how much of this is due to having a bpd mother who behaves so immaturely at times… I’m so glad how much things have changed here but I’m also determined to keep up the good work and do my best for my children as they grow up.

[Notwendy]

I think it's great that you are entering the workforce in person again. My concern is the timing. Three little ones is a handful, a wonderful handful, but a new baby and two other little ones takes new management skills. The older ones may act up to get attention while she is nursing the baby. Eventually parents adjust but the early months, where the baby is getting up all night, and nursing a lot are tiring and demand a lot of attention.

While I think it's good you are taking a job, I'm also in the camp of arranging help for your wife as you will not be home to assist in these early months. It's not because she can't handle it, it's because the kids are at different stages and a new baby is going to require a lot of time. I recall some helpful things when mine were little: have the kids at pre-school/play school for some of the time. They will like playing with other kids. Household help- someone to fix meals, or tidy up, or do laundry- babies make lots of laundry.

It seems as if your parents are willing to help? I know there's been friction between your wife and your parents, but she may accept some help from grandma at this time.

A new job is a good thing- but the timing- new job and new baby - you want this to go well. While finances are a concern, I think getting help at home for a while will give you peace of mind at work and lessen your need to help- so in a way it's an investment in your job too.

[Couscous]

My eldest seems baffled and concerned, she is a tough little thing and rarely complains, she is helpful around the house out of choice and does attempt to comfort her mother, saying, “it’s ok”.

So this is exactly what I was concerned about. I don't wish to alarm you, but it's not actually "normal" for a child of any age to behave like this maturely, let alone an under 3 year old. A child this age should have no concept of the notion of helping around the house, nor should she be attempting to comfort her mother in any, way, shape or form. This is known as "parentification", and it's very damaging for children. If you are in the UK, do you have the option for health visitors to help provide some training/guidance to your wife on parenting?

[Notwendy]

BPD impacts all relationships. I think the baby stage can meet a certain need- it's a stage of enmeshment. An infant is completely dependent on the parents for all needs. Breastfeeding is enmeshment- a normal enmeshment, but the child soon pursues autonomy after that. It's an wonderful stage to have this cute and cuddly baby who doesn't talk back, is available to cuddle, but an emotionally healthy parent knows the child's purpose isn't to meet their needs, but for them to meet the child's needs. A parent  with a PD sees the child's purpose as meeting their own needs.

What is impending is the arrival of the a new baby.  It's a wonderful event but it's an adjustment for all parents, whether they have BPD or not, and an adjustment for the siblings. Older toddler get jealous that the baby is getting attention and may act up. Baby care takes a lot of time. If the baby is nursing, mom's hands are full and she can't get up and chase an active toddler. So far, there has been two people at home to help with two children. I think it's great to pursue your career, but it's a leap to go from this to your wife being home alone with all of them.

I think now is a good time to introduce the idea of getting some help and to have that help in place when baby arrives. This could include starting the older ones in playschool as well.

[Couscous]

On the one hand I can see how you may not want to infantilize your wife, but 3 children under age three would be challenging even for the healthiest of mothers.

Perhaps you could hire a Mother’s Help for a while, and if your wife truly can’t cope with the demands of motherhood, then perhaps you would need to have a conversation about switching roles and have her go to work while you stay home, or that you both work part time.

[thankful person]

Not Wendy and Couscous,

I really appreciate your responses. Yes we are in the UK and the new health visitor is visiting next week but I will be out working. We have had two before, one for each child. They were apparently mental health specialists as my wife is dbpd. But they were both not helpful. The first one failed to support my wife when struggling with breast-feeding and the second one failed to support her following our second being in NICU and nearly died at 2 days old. My wife and I both expressed our concerns both times that she had post-natal depression, but they did not agree.

Our eldest will be at pre-school 5 mornings a week from January (when she will be funded an additional 3 mornings). My wife is very proud and fiercely independent so I’d have to be very careful in suggesting any help for her. Also she will be breast-feeding the infant on demand for six months, and she has learnt and I support her findings, that her body refuses to produce milk if she doesn’t spend pretty much 24 hrs/day with that baby. This is one reason she won’t be going out to work for some time, along with the fact that her history of working is not good. I also earn more as a piano teacher, but not necessarily the other jobs I’ve been doing.

Her behaviour has much improved. I identified 2 situations today.. one was where we had no semi-skimmed milk for breakfast. Which used to make her very angry. I saw she had poured her cereal, I thought, I’m not going to be the one to tell her, or offer to rush out and get it (caretaking). She has always refused the full fat milk because apparently it gave her constipation as a child. Well today she just calmly made her breakfast and coffee with full fat milk. Amazing. Then my mother arrived and I went to pick her up from the train and take to the hotel. And as my students had cancelled, I told my wife I may take Mum out for some food. Well she was a little tearful when I left as she’d hardly seen me out working all day and I said I’ll be back by 7, kids bedtime. And she was texting me saying, “I’m second best” and I offered to pay for a pizza and she texted she’d rather have it with me which I ignored. But amazingly when I got in there was no drama at all and things were ok.

So, with me going back out to work, financially we could afford help but my wife doesn’t even want a cleaner as she doesn’t like people in the house and snooping etc. But I still hesitate to say we can afford it because my wife’s spending is still sometimes excessive and it worries me with Christmas coming. I have ranted about this on here before… how easy it is to get credit in the UK. I can put down boundaries, have my own bank accounts, not allow her to use my cards etc. Not pay her debts… and I now do all of these things. But she still continues to be eligible for credit, even though some of her debt has been wiped by the government as she can’t afford to pay it and she knows she can always go into an “arrangement” of paying £1/mth if the bills get too high. She has been doing this for years. I totally despair of this situation and I have absolutely no control over it.

At the moment I have quite a few hours of cleaning work, which is tiding me over whilst I hopefully pick up more piano students. I’m thinking of holding off on getting a new job until January when the eldest does more day care hours. With having to wait for an overseas police check, this could take some time anyway.

[Couscous]

Hmmm, so she’s fiercely independent and yet she wants you to stay home to help her because she’s concerned about not coping without you? And she wants to go on spending sprees and have you foot the bill, but also does not want you to earn more money so you can pay the credit card bills?

What stands out to me is that the biggest issue is not so much that she’s dxBPD, but rather it’s that you have an overfunctioner—underfunctioner dynamic in your relationship. This is very common, but when there’s BPD involved it’s much more extreme. It sounds like her mother infantilized her as child and teenager, so no big surprise that she’s underfunctioning now. But she is probably much more competent than she thinks is. My ex-SIL was low-functioning dxBPD and had a very hard childhood with a schizophrenic mother and was homeless when my brother rescued met her. She didn’t work when she was with my brother, but after they split up she managed to get into a dental assistant program, and began working on photography, and now can stand on her own two feet.

My very talented yet underfunctioning BPD mother was also infantilized as a child, and has a job history like your wife’s. But she can manage to do things like cleaning jobs and other jobs that she can do freelance or that allow her to be independent. But she only goes to work when she absolutely must — which is usually always the case with underfunctioners.

If you are willing to do less overfunctioning, you might be pleasantly surprised to see that she has a capacity to step up. But this will probably trigger a high level of anxiety in you, (and you may also derive a fair bit of self-esteem from overfunctioning too) but if you can tolerate the anxiety, you may be able to shift things in your relationship. You may need additional support though, and for that I highly recommend Al-Anon or CoDA meetings.

[Notwendy]

Also she will be breast-feeding the infant on demand for six months, and she has learnt and I support her findings, that her body refuses to produce milk if she doesn’t spend pretty much 24 hrs/day with that baby.

This basically means that for 6 months, she's going to be doing nothing but nursing a baby. This means no housework, laundry, or child care for the older two.

Your wife may feel she can't breast feed any other way but this isn't the reality for most mothers and still they manage to breast feed. Breast feeding on demand is recommended to have a good milk supply, but one doesn't have to be doing it 24 hours a day to do this. When the infant is small, they do feed very frequently but as they get a little larger they can have intervals between feedings.

My hunch is that this situation is meeting your wife's emotional needs more than it meets the baby's needs. The baby won't mind- being cuddled and fed all the time is fine with the baby. But your wife's wishes are also restrictive- she doesn't have to be available for anything else and it gives her a sense of control. But I think this wish to be 24/7 with the infant is more her wants than the baby's needs and it leaves her unavailable to the other two children.

I understand that you don't want to get into conflict with this wish of hers. I also think it's great that you are going back to work. But this situation means you will be working, coming home to all the housework and childcare - baths, bedtime, meals. Your going to work does not mean your wife is going to assume the duties you have been doing at home.

Perhaps your wife doesn't want help for her and childcare may not be what she wants or needs. How about help for you? Some ideas that don't involve people in the house could be- wash and fold laundry service- you drop off laundry- then pick up later. Babies make a lot of laundry. Buy plenty of sleepers and burp cloths so you have some at home while sending laundry out- sheets, towels, kids clothes. Meals- some caterers and groceries sell pre-made family style dinners, grocery store pick up/delivery.

You don't present this as help for your wife, it's help for you so that you can take on this job and not wear yourself out doing everything else. Money is a concern, but you probably won't need all this long term, but it's an investment in you- to allow you to rest and be at your best as your family adjusts to the new baby.

[thankful person]

Couscous and not Wendy,

Thank you again for your help and advice. You both raise important points. Couscous not sure how long you’ve been following my story on here… I just wanted you to know I have taken so much power back in this relationship and still dizzyingly overjoyed on a daily basis that my wife isn’t screeching at me all the time. She’s actually alright to be around mostly and that along with my kids and extended family and my career, my life has improved so much.

I know there are still unhealthy dynamics and I’m keen to tackle issues and improve things as much as possible. My wife has indeed stepped up to many challenges since I stopped so much caretaking, like maturely drinking a different type of milk for example the other day without having a meltdown.

You have me concerned about my eldest daughter though. And of course I’m also keen to do everything I can to help and support her. She’s so keen to help out, doing laundry etc, as a professional I would generally encourage this where the child is keen but what do you think? She will be attending daycare five mornings a week from January so that will be good for her.

Not Wendy, I do understand about the breastfeeding. Our first was a difficult feeder and my wife struggled with milk. At that time she was trying to be a “normal mother” and still have a life, get her hair done, go to the dentist etc. But even visiting family was disruptive with the hour’s drive, her milk was threatening to dry up each time.

Our second was much better with feeding but was in nicu and very sick so that complicated things and you may remember my wife became very depressed. She was still sleeping in her arms due to our complicated living situation recently but now both are in their own beds all night. My wife was able to leave the second with me for longer periods of time to go work with dogs but that was after six months.

I will take care of new baby when she puts the others to bed at night (may end up being the other way round).

I now have been offered a different job visiting sen children in their homes, it’s school hours too. It’s difficult to work out the best way to offer some help for my wife (or me). We have decided we will be getting supermarket deliveries as shopping is always so stressful and time-consuming.

Yes I certainly try to “do it all” and pride myself keeping everything under control. We have had a wonderful couple of days with my mother visiting. Also so happy for mum as she cares for my dad who is sick and disabled (and very difficult, he has bpd traits) so it’s good for her to have a break. My wife has been jealous of us going out to lunch without her (because she wanted us out of the house when she put the kids to bed). And angry because I bought her a cake but I also bought them for Mum and the kids. So she refused to eat it. I’m so laid back about such things now. I’ll enjoy it tomorrow if she doesn’t.

[Couscous]

You have me concerned about my eldest daughter though. And of course I’m also keen to do everything I can to help and support her. She’s so keen to help out, doing laundry etc, as a professional I would generally encourage this where the child is keen but what do you think?

If she is ‘helping’ when you or your wife are doing laundry then that’s very different. She’s not actually doing it to help but rather she’s just imitating what her parents are doing. That is normal. But if she is actually taking the initiative to do chores, that is what is unhealthy.

If your wife is crying about something and your daughter tries to comfort her, when this happens it is important for one of you to tell her that mommy’s not crying because of anything she did, and that she can go back to her play.

My sensitive and highly empathic 7 y old occasionally tries to ‘rescue’ me when I’m struggling a bit with one of my ‘spirited’ 5 y old’s meltdowns, (he hates it when his little brother cries so he tries to do things to distract him or make him laugh), and I always make a point to block these efforts by telling him that I appreciate his efforts, but that it’s my job to take care of brother, and that it’s his job to be a kid.

I really like Dr Becky and Mr Chazz on Instagram for healthy parenting guidance : https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/
https://www.instagram.com/mrchazz/

[thankful person]

Thanks again Couscous,

My daughter also gets upset when the little one cries and tries to comfort her. I feel she is very sensitive and empathetic. More concerning is my wife’s immature behaviour for example screeching when she’s not physically comfortable. Tbh I do believe she is much worse with this when I’m here than when I’m not. But what can I say when my daughter gets upset and tries to comfort her mother? I’ve learnt not to reassure her that, “it’s ok” because then I get screeched at that it’s not ok. I guess that’s invalidating. It angers me when I can’t comfort my child by reassuring her, but my wife behaves better if I say nothing because even being cheerful about something else seems to invalidate her too, like she feels everyone should suffer with her. These occurrences are no longer daily or even weekly, but it’s definitely still something I would like to improve if I can.

[Couscous]

Since I don’t have a BPD spouse perhaps you could start a new topic asking for suggestions on how one can go about blocking attempts by a BPD spouse to use his/her children as an emotional caretaker?

The book, How to Raise Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissist is recommended a lot on this board and it may address this issue. Another good book on not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions is Everyday Narcissism.

This article also addresses the subject: https://neuroclastic.com/on-helping-children-not-feeling-responsible-for-other-peoples-emotions/

[thankful person]

Thanks Couscous, I will check out the article. I’ve read the book about raising resilient children. I did find it very good. However I often felt it was recommending taking care of the children to give the pwbpd a break, something many of them crave and appreciate. In my wife’s case much of it wasn’t relevant because she likes to take on the majority of child care tasks and it’s one thing she feels confident that she can cope with and wants to do it all. I suggested that when I start my new job then it might be much easier on her if I drop the eldest at day care in the morning. She absolutely refused as she likes to do that and has always done it. The way I could help (what she wants) would be me staying at home with middle child while she takes the others but this would make me late. Anyway, I have planted this seed and will leave her to think about it. We used to have huge arguments about things and I think it made it harder for her to go back on her conviction. Since I stopped arguing it makes it easier for her to change her mind or even present such things as her own idea.

[Couscous]

In my wife’s case much of it wasn’t relevant because she likes to take on the majority of child care tasks and it’s one thing she feels confident that she can cope with and wants to do it all.

This could mean that she has a "need to be needed" by the kids, which generally results in infantilisation, and in all likelihood is the kind if parenting her own mother modeled. This kind of parenting can eventually lead to the other parent becoming alienated from their own children. You might need to have some frank discussions with her about this.

It really is quite unfortunate that she wants to do it all, because it is impossible for one person to meet the needs of a child — it really takes a village to raise a healthy child. I do hope that you will find ways to insist on being involved in their parenting for the sake of your kids — it’s both their right and yours.

Another book I just saw recommended yesterday on this board is, Don’t Alienate the Kids. Apparently the advice is very applicable to non-divorcing couples, so that may be worth a read.

[thankful person]

Couscous, thanks again for your input. Frank discussions have never helped around here, but I have learnt that actually it’s easier to make changes without discussion and deal with the repercussions later. In fact my wife sometimes doesn’t even bother making a fuss about things she had expressly forbidden in the past. She understands that I do much more of what I want now.

When I joined bpd family things were coming to a head with the upcoming arrival of our second child. Looking back, I think my wife was inwardly (subconsciously?) fighting to come to terms with the fact that she would no longer been able to do absolutely everything with our eldest once she has the new one attached to the breast most of the time. Things were even more challenging with the little one being in nicu and I finally had to put my other daughter to bed for the first time and we actually became very close during that time. My wife came back from hospital extremely jealous. But she has had to give up some of the control. The same will be true of no. 3. I did feel very worried about the control when we only had one child. But it seems that now we have more she has to learn to give up her grip on the older ones. I think the same process will happen when no. 3 arrives. My middle daughter is much closer to my wife right now, but I will be there for them when I’m needed.

I was accused again “you have never supported me!” the other day. And I think this is about me going back out to work. She has never been able to give an example of how I could better support her. I suggested we talk through her feelings together with the health visitor this week. And then was accused of trying to make it all about me.

[Couscous]

And I think this is about me going back out to work.

I think you may well be right. It does seem like she really struggles with jealousy, and I'm now realizing that the theme of jealousy is absolutely HUGE in my family and is actually why I have had to go NC with almost my entire family. It's not something that I have not really seen discussed much at all in relation to BPD. 

Coincidentally, today I happened to stumble upon a book by Nina Brown on the subject of jealousy called Coping With Your Partner's Jealousy. I have read several of her other books and have found them so helpful, and after previewing it on archive.org I think you might find it quite useful.

[thankful person]

The jealousy has been an ongoing theme throughout my relationship and was a definite precedent to the control. That’s why I felt I needed some validation from you guys that actually going out to work to support my family is a reasonable thing to do. When we were long distance at first just online friends I noticed my wife was resentful of any time I spent without her, with my then partner, friends, family, work.. she expressed jealousy one day when someone had given me chocolates and said, “you love the chocolates more than me.” She said the same of my cat, even when I was about to leave him forever to be with her. Since then I have generally felt that it’s actually easier to not express much enthusiasm for anything, whether I meet an interesting person, read something interesting, have a special moment with our children or whilst at work. Whilst I used to try and not do anything or see anyone that might upset my wife, I’ve now learnt it’s impossible not to upset her so I’ve by and large stopped trying, though I do somewhat protect her from knowing that I enjoy things that don’t involve her. I know that this is a form of caretaking, but not to the detriment of my own well-being.