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Author Topic: Does pwBPD have double standards?  (Read 923 times)
Buddy Joe
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« on: September 20, 2022, 09:20:14 PM »

1. When she does something irrational like getting mad easily for being late when I pick her up at work and immediately finds another way to get home or when she rides the car and deeply expresses her disappointment that she waited and just wanted to go home after a long day at work.

2. But the 2 times I got annoyed for picking her up after work hours left a mark on her. The first one was when there was a miscommunication regarding her location and I told her to stay put so we don’t have to go around in circles and miss each other. Her feet hurt and still she went around and made a fuss about her feet being in pain when I explicitly told her to stay put. In the car when I tried to keep it together she egged me all the more that I sounded annoyed on the phone when I was asking where she was. When I finally told her why I was annoyed, she got pissed and said she should have just brought her car. This happens a lot, when I tell her to just let things go as to not to escalate the misunderstanding she keeps pushing my buttons until I explode. This is difficult for me to control myself when placed in that kind of situation.

3. 2nd instance: She asked me to pick her up already and I gave her my ETA. When I got there, I called both her phones and she didn’t pick up. I waited for 15-20mins until she finally called me. Apparently she got tipsy at their Company Launch. Instead of apologizing for being late, not picking up, and going to the lobby at the time I told her I'd be there, she just said next time I’ll bring a car. I told her that's just a bandaid solution and not addressing the issue.

* For both scenarios I will always be the one to adjust. I will always be at fault.

* When I asked her how come when this is done to you, you get furious and your reactions are unstable? I get scared when I’m just a minute late to pick her up. But when she makes me wait, I should be super patient and not even make her feel like my time wasn’t respected.

* When she asks me to pick her up at 6pm, she goes down from her floor when I’m already at the lobby. She doesn’t go down 5-10mins before 6pm to meet me at the lobby. Her reason being she doesn’t like waiting for her ride at the ground floor lounge. In turn, she gets in the car at around 6:15pm onwards.
 
* This connects to her wanting a selfless partner that’s out of the ordinary. In short, someone who would “always” put her needs first and yours second.

* She would compare me with her exes and her mom. She “never” experienced an ex waiting for her and getting mad/annoyed but with her mom she does. Her mom just leaves her when she’s not ready, which forces her to find another way. In turn this is also reflected in our relationship. She doesn't like waiting for me when I'm tardy but finds a different ride going home even if I'm already on the way. Mind you that this seldom happens that I'm late, I'm usually on time due to the fact that I'd like to avoid for her to get triggered and have an episode.

* I can’t help but believe that since she only had short-term relationships and I am still the longest could be the reason why the others were stuck to just keep pleasing her due to the honeymoon stage. The exes never really entered the phase of sticking to her for more than a year or two to see the pattern of inconsideration and solidify the inconsistencies. So even if I'm the longest she makes me feel like I'm still the worst partner. I don't feel appreciated or special even if I'm her longest relationship. It also baffles her how her ex-partners were able to understand her/tolerate her because they didn't know then she had BPD, I was the only one apparently.

* Trying to make sense of both situations that is about “waiting”
    1. She doesn’t like it when I’m late or sudden minor changes with any plan. (Delayed)
    2. But when she’s the one who is late, I can’t express how displeased I am that I waited X mins or X hours.
    3. This is where I assess it as her having double standards with any given situation. For her I peg it as a 50-50 relationship and according to her I get back at her to even the playing field that results to burying her issue and overshadowing it with mine.

* Hence her always saying that I am selfish and I just tolerate and do not understand her.

This took me almost 4 years to fully grasp that whatever happens, whatever situation we're in, I will always be the one at the losing end. The more I try to make sense of her antics, moods and triggers by analyzing her behavior, she feels as if it's all about me and I remove the limelight from her.

What to do and how to improve my relationship with her when clearly she has double standards but can't admit to it? I end up getting blamed and invalidated that I am just a selfish partner who puts my needs first and not chooses to understand her side.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2022, 11:08:42 AM »

Well, it’s a given that she has double standards and is unlikely to see your side. Trying to get her to recognize this is a losing proposition. Best to place your energy elsewhere. This is a battle you won’t win.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Buddy Joe
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2022, 12:37:23 PM »

Well, it’s a given that she has double standards and is unlikely to see your side. Trying to get her to recognize this is a losing proposition. Best to place your energy elsewhere. This is a battle you won’t win.

Hi, CT! Thank you for replying to my post. I highly appreciate it.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

When we enter this sort of scenario, how do I best go about it? I always end up being told that I like getting back at her since my thought process is trying to connect what she’s saying from what she’s doing. When it doesn’t click, it baffles me. As long as it is in her favor the narrative changes along with her values.
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guitarguy09
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2022, 01:26:22 PM »

* For both scenarios I will always be the one to adjust. I will always be at fault.
 
* This connects to her wanting a selfless partner that’s out of the ordinary. In short, someone who would “always” put her needs first and yours second.

Like Cat said, this is a fight you won't win so it's best not to fight it. I completely agree. Whenever something is my fault, it gets pointed out (again and again) but if it's her fault, I'm not allowed to point it out because she says "Oh it's always my fault" not accepting that sometimes it is. Like your pwBPD, she will not ever let anything go, no matter how small. She still complains about the way my family treated her before our wedding 12 years ago. At least a couple times a month.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2022, 03:37:05 PM »

She still complains about the way my family treated her before our wedding 12 years ago. At least a couple times a month.

 Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  I was in college and my mother was still angry with my dad about not installing a screen door the summer she was pregnant with me. Yep, they’ve got a long memory for others’ slights and a nonexistent memory for their own.

When we enter this sort of scenario, how do I best go about it?

Disengage as fast as possible. Say something noncommittal like “Hmmm…” and figure out a pressing issue you need to attend to immediately. “I left the water running in the garden/I forgot to empty the dryer/the dog looks like he needs to go out,” etc.

I always end up being told that I like getting back at her since my thought process is trying to connect what she’s saying from what she’s doing. When it doesn’t click, it baffles me.

Logic is not your friend when you’re dealing with a pwBPD. They hate having their words and actions filtered through a logical process. Again, FEELINGS EQUAL FACTS in BPDLAND and trying to get them to make sense of their nonsensical behaviors and thoughts is an exercise in futility, and bound to cast you as an “abuser” in their minds.

As long as it is in her favor the narrative changes along with her values.
Yep, exactly. You’ve got it!
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Buddy Joe
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« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2022, 02:41:09 AM »

She still complains about the way my family treated her before our wedding 12 years ago. At least a couple times a month.

Oh wow. 12 years ago? I am speechless. I've been feeling like crap every time a fight from the past resurfaces as if it just happened that very moment. There's no moving forward from it no matter how times have changed and I've adjusted to what would not trigger her.
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Buddy Joe
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« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2022, 02:48:28 AM »

Disengage as fast as possible. Say something noncommittal like “Hmmm…” and figure out a pressing issue you need to attend to immediately. “I left the water running in the garden/I forgot to empty the dryer/the dog looks like he needs to go out,” etc.

During the argument or confrontation, I can just up and leave and do something else? Wouldn't I be disrespecting her? Should I say something else before leaving the room?

Logic is not your friend when you’re dealing with a pwBPD. They hate having their words and actions filtered through a logical process. Again, FEELINGS EQUAL FACTS in BPDLAND and trying to get them to make sense of their nonsensical behaviors and thoughts is an exercise in futility, and bound to cast you as an “abuser” in their minds.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, CAT! This is one of the main things that irks her. When I try to make sense of her nonsensical behaviors and thoughts. Every time I do that she just feels like I am retaliating and tells me my preference is a 50-50 relationship. When all I've been asking her was how come you say this and yet when I do it, it's wrong. It could be a petty fight or a huge one. It's my thought process that she hates. I believe in the saying, "Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you." - Confucius

But this quote above, her understanding would be an eye for an eye. She would then bring up her 2 kids who punches each other and gets back at one another to gain justice. Then explaining as if I'm like her kids. My brain is exploding.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2022, 12:28:36 PM »

First of all, there can be no *argument* if you don’t participate. You don’t have to stick around and listen to insults either.

I *escape* by either bringing up an *urgent task* or if I’ve stuck around too long, by saying *I’m not at my best right now and need time to think about this* or something similar.

There is no upside in trying to participate in an argument, and with some creativity, you can figure out ways to make a polite exit when the temperature goes up.

That said, discussions are fine. Arguments are not.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Buddy Joe
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« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2022, 02:16:57 AM »

First of all, there can be no *argument* if you don’t participate. You don’t have to stick around and listen to insults either.

Since my partner is codependent and that's how we both started out when we were in the honeymoon phase. On our 4th year that's when I started going back to my house and I felt refreshed to not always immerse myself and just let her insult me. But for her, she wants someone to chase after her. She would yell at me and tell me to just go home because she knows I can't take it when she has her episodes. I used to just stick around but after sometime I'd rather leave than force it and wait for her to cool down.

My forever question would be is it best to just stick around even if she tells me to leave and says the nastiest insults or just leave? I don't know what to do. When I used to stick around, she'd apologize to me when she eventually stabilizes and thank me for staying. Most often times when I do stick around the fight gets worse. When I finally changed and decided to just leave because I had enough and I didn't appreciate the constant yelling. I don't know how our situation will be once we have our own place. She can't tell me to leave anymore  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I *escape* by either bringing up an *urgent task* or if I’ve stuck around too long, by saying *I’m not at my best right now and need time to think about this* or something similar.

There is no upside in trying to participate in an argument, and with some creativity, you can figure out ways to make a polite exit when the temperature goes up.

That said, discussions are fine. Arguments are not.

I will practice this, Cat. Thank you.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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guitarguy09
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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2022, 10:06:45 AM »

Oh wow. 12 years ago? I am speechless. I've been feeling like crap every time a fight from the past resurfaces as if it just happened that very moment. There's no moving forward from it no matter how times have changed and I've adjusted to what would not trigger her.

You bet. I still regret telling her things my family said to me at the time. Like how my sister said she didn't see me being happy with her (how right she was) and how my dad said after she called them up frantic how he thought she was violent. She insists on my family atoning for this. I learned how to only share "need to know" information more and more over the years.
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Manic Miner
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2022, 05:37:32 AM »

Since my partner is codependent and that's how we both started out when we were in the honeymoon phase. On our 4th year that's when I started going back to my house and I felt refreshed to not always immerse myself and just let her insult me. But for her, she wants someone to chase after her. She would yell at me and tell me to just go home because she knows I can't take it when she has her episodes. I used to just stick around but after sometime I'd rather leave than force it and wait for her to cool down.

It's astonishing that this mental condition makes all kinds of people, cultures, ethnicity, from allover the globe, act the same. It's like you described my W in detail. I'm sure a lot of people can relate as well.

What I have learned out of necessity about doing her or me any favours is that I will have to think in advance that probability of failing to deliver her promises and responsibilities are high. She will come with some irrational thinking or conclusion that will make my head spin and stomach hurt if I'm not prepared.

Lesson learned here is this. See where you could see her doing a job or helping you out, but don't depend on her. If there is no other option, consider doing it yourself or try to explain as simple as possible, be polite and validating.

Sometimes she will be there fully, but treat that as a nice surprise, not a default situation. And don't think times have changed. It's probably one time only. There's no I've been here for you, please be there for me too logic.

As you noted yourself, when it's the opposite, when it's you doing something for her, none of this applies. You not only have to be everywhere on time, but you should also ask if there is something else she needs.

I know how to handle the time and use it. If I am being late, I will call her or anyone, to know in advance.
Yet, every time we are going somewhere together and it's her that I'm waiting for, she will always remark something I'm doing at the moment (like, being in my pants, knowing I will be ready at the door in 3mins), to project her responsibility and say 'there, you aren't ready yourself!'. Or issue commands like, 'since you're ready, you'll do this and that, while I get ready myself'.
That can still make me go bonkers, as she is interfering into my way of handling things that are working for me, yet she cannot handle herself. Even though I know this is a projection, she does this in a way to make drama and demands. It's almost like I'm guilty that I'm ready and since I am, add more weight please to make me do stuff you should have done yourself.

Excerpt
My forever question would be is it best to just stick around even if she tells me to leave and says the nastiest insults or just leave? I don't know what to do. When I used to stick around, she'd apologize to me when she eventually stabilizes and thank me for staying. Most often times when I do stick around the fight gets worse. When I finally changed and decided to just leave because I had enough and I didn't appreciate the constant yelling. I don't know how our situation will be once we have our own place.

It's the same issue I face myself. Should I stay or should I go. The theory says - you should leave. You shouldn't tolerate rage. Make boundaries. Don't engage.

I get it. But the reality is, if I do this with 0% tolerance for insults and rage, she will be even more mad, as she will treat that as an abandonment, not feeling sorry for her and all kinds of stuff. It will trigger the worst fears in her. Being physically present somehow eases her frustrations and will come to the surface sooner and faster.
On the other hand, if you make boundaries, she will - eventually - learn that when she rages you will quit. How that goes, I'm not sure as I haven't reached that level. I'm doubtful a bit, because she's not herself in that mood. Logic we have, does not apply there. I'm not sure 1+1 equals 2. For them it can be 1, 5 or 150. Besides, we currently separated anyway.
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