Stonewalling?

[Atlantis8]

I previously posted about the details of my situation but what I’m really struggling to understand is the stonewalling. How can someone go from loving you one day to completely shutting you out as if you don’t exist? I’ve experienced this before with ex bfwbpd but it’s somehow harder for me to cope with this time around. How long can this stonewalling last? ex bf reads my texts (has read receipts on) but won’t respond for two months now. Just feeling shattered at this point and trying to get back to myself. Sending love to all as I see and relate so much to a lot of what everyone has shared on this site. It’s really, really hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

If he’s not replying, then I wouldn’t contact him. Otherwise you are giving him positive feedback for his behavior in the form of staying connected, whereas he does nothing in return.

If he is a pwBPD, he is likely to have abandonment issues. So by not maintaining contact on your end, he will be more likely to make contact with you. Maybe not immediately, but probably eventually.

In ceasing contact, you could demonstrate with your behavior that it appears that he does not want to communicate, so you are honoring his desire.

[Atlantis8]

Thanks. It’s like I know what I have to do and have even done before but this time has been so hard. Maybe because my child is involved and feeling all the feelings and it’s overwhelming. Last couple weeks were fine but then my child is going through it and now it activated the anxt in me all over again. I’m getting back into my normal routine and going out with friends and family which helps a ton because life starts feeling normal again. At this point, where I’m at today, I don’t know I ever want to go back and risk going through this again.

[Ergonomics]

Hi! Note, I am new here, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but my partner also stonewalled me HEAVILY a few months ago. A few reasons that she said:

1) No point talking to you because conversations always end badly with you.
2) She's scared of telling me what she truly feels, because she doesn't think I can take it.
3) She does not think I can understand what she is truly trying to tell me & what she is feeling
4) No point, because she doesn't believe any of my responses anyway (I've given her a lot of false promises)

I used to be really upset when she stonewalled, but after these conversations, I've realized just how difficult I've made it for her to come and openly talk to me. I would tell her with my words that she can say anything & everything, but after these conversations, I realize how I never delivered on that with my actions.

After these conversations, I realized, I too, have stonewalled other people as well, and what's amazing is that when I look at the moments when I stonewalled, I can see that my partner stonewalled me for the exact same reasons.

This realization was really big for me, but it was really big for my partner as well. As soon as she saw that I made these realizations, that was when she really began opening up.

But again, this was my case. Yours may be different.

[kells76]

Hello Atlantis8, I join with Cat Familiar in welcoming you here  

"Radical acceptance" is a term that gets talked about here. A nutshell version is that RA is not about "accepting that what he is doing is okay" or "allowing him to do wrong things" or "just letting him get away with it". RA is about: accepting that he is doing what he is doing, instead of hoping he isn't doing it, or trying to believe he is someone fundamentally different, or any number of ways of not looking at what he is really doing.

RA can give us a foundation from which to move forward. Kind of like:

I wish he weren't so inconsistent, inconsiderate, and unpredictable. But: he is. That's how reality is. So what can I do with that, where can I go from here, now that I've accepted that he is who he is and does what he does?

You're seeing that he is consistently inconsistent. It would be nice if he weren't. But: (RA) he is. In a weird way, that can help you form a plan for going forward, and supporting your child in an appropriate discussion of reality.

One way that could look is having a chat with your kiddo: "Lots of families where Mom and Dad live separately have a schedule for the kids. You probably even have some friends who do that. But, not all families do. Our family is one where even though Mom and Dad live separately, we don't have a set schedule. What that means is that sometimes Dad calls to spend time with you, and sometimes he doesn't. When he calls you, let me know, so that Dad and I can work out a time for him to spend with you. It isn't the kids job to figure out the schedule. You get to focus on being a kid, I'll handle the schedule stuff with Dad."

You can also consider setting up some counseling for your kid, so that there's a neutral space for your child's feelings to be focused on and supported. We do the best we can as parents and stepparents at being empathetic and validating, yet at some level we aren't totally neutral when it comes to the other parent. So, it's not a bad thing for the kids to have extra support that isn't Mom, or Dad, or a stepparent -- someone outside the family system. Worth a thought.

...

my child is involved and feeling all the feelings and it’s overwhelming.

That's a hard situation and can be a real balancing act -- how to stay in that neutral coaching role for your kid, versus "taking their side" for/against Dad, or telegraphing "your feelings are too much", or X, or Y, or Z... (not that you're doing any of that! just commenting on how it's a challenging place to be in as a parent/stepparent).

How do you typically respond when your kiddo comes to you and starts talking about feelings about Dad?

[Atlantis8]

Hi Kels, thanks for the warm welcome and thoughtful response. You shed some new light and that RA mention is something I’ll look into because I haven’t thought of that before. Maybe I’ve been so caught up thinking that I want the behavior to change and the hurt to stop but learning each day to surrender and accept the situation for what it is. Accept he is who he is and not think of only the emotional aspect, as in the hurt his actions cause.

Since it’s always been me and my child, we’ve always had very open and honest communication. What i’ve done so far is gently explain that his dad is new to parenting and is working on himself, and reassure him that nothing within our norms have changed and I will always be here. We’ll be okay no matter what. And yet my child is old enough and has seen for himself that this behavior is not okay. So I’m trying to let him process without giving any input, good or bad, and just reassure him that everything will be okay and that none of this has anything to do with him, it’s his own dad’s stuff to work on. What I’m also struggling with is that recently while speaking with our child, he accused my son of not calling him, using him, and not trying hard enough to finish something he had our son working on. My son felt bad after that conversation and admitted he’s afraid to speak to him because he doesn’t want to say something wrong that might then trigger him to do the silent treatment to him. My son sees how his dad is giving me the silent treatment and now I’m not sure how to proceed. I could go no contact but would that include our son?

I’ve been in therapy a couple weeks. Once I find O good fit I plan on getting my son in too. I know for a fact we’ll both need it, though my son seems to not care much if he does or doesn’t see his dad at this point.