NC Do you reckon the dreams will ever stop?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dreamt of my mother again. We were at a family gathering. I was by myself, and was about to leave to go see my H and children. She kept looking at me with a waif like attitude, wanting me to speak to her, to repair the relationship. While I was just trying to protect myself in a non aggressive manner.
 
When I was gathering my things, she finally came to me and told me she had bought tickets for an activity I'd really like. To which I answered : you don't really know who I am and what I like. And then the screaming and shaming started and I woke up feeling sad for me, but especially for her.

It was a dream. Yet the dynamic was surreal.

My stepfather was there, siding with her only to buy himself peace, yet hurt that he couldn't see my children either.

My brother was there for the party, and didn't really care what was happening between BPD mother and I, a bit unconscious of the actual dynamic.

And the dynamic between BPD mother and me felt so real. Just as if she'd been in the same room as I. The look on her face, the pleading with her eyes, the trying to just erase by offering something to do, trying to show she knows me, me finally standing up for myself, in a peaceful yet sad manner, that she didn't knew me, and the backlash.

Might have to do with the fact it is my grandmother service today. My BPD mother will be close by, a mere 35 minutes away from my house. I worry she will show up.

I don't want to see her. I am more at peace without her in my life. Yet sometimes there is a sting to it...just because of empathy. Just because I know how hurt she actually is. And it is the main struggle : not doing anything out of obligation and guilt.

It is sad, ain't it. That when the obligation and guilt are stripped from the relationship, I am left looking at my BPD mother like she is a stranger, and wants nothing to do with her.

I do think it all traces back to the sweet first few years of my life. Too scared too often. Could never attached. Today I feel sad for her. Our relationship is the direct result of her illness, of her screaming contests and rageful fits. I am not scared when I am away. And without the fear, there is barely anything left to the relationship.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Dreamt of my mother again. We were at a family gathering. I was by myself, and was about to leave to go see my H and children. She kept looking at me with a waif like attitude, wanting me to speak to her, to repair the relationship. While I was just trying to protect myself in a non aggressive manner.
 
When I was gathering my things, she finally came to me and told me she had bought tickets for an activity I'd really like. To which I answered : you don't really know who I am and what I like. And then the screaming and shaming started and I woke up feeling sad for me, but especially for her.

It was a dream. Yet the dynamic was surreal.

My stepfather was there, siding with her only to buy himself peace, yet hurt that he couldn't see my children either.

My brother was there for the party, and didn't really care what was happening between BPD mother and I, a bit unconscious of the actual dynamic.

And the dynamic between BPD mother and me felt so real. Just as if she'd been in the same room as I. The look on her face, the pleading with her eyes, the trying to just erase by offering something to do, trying to show she knows me, me finally standing up for myself, in a peaceful yet sad manner, that she didn't knew me, and the backlash.

Might have to do with the fact it is my grandmother service today. My BPD mother will be close by, a mere 35 minutes away from my house. I worry she will show up.

I don't want to see her. I am more at peace without her in my life. Yet sometimes there is a sting to it...just because of empathy. Just because I know how hurt she actually is. And it is the main struggle : not doing anything out of obligation and guilt.

It is sad, ain't it. That when the obligation and guilt are stripped from the relationship, I am left looking at my BPD mother like she is a stranger, and wants nothing to do with her.

I do think it all traces back to the sweet first few years of my life. Too scared too often. Could never attached. Today I feel sad for her. Our relationship is the direct result of her illness, of her screaming contests and rageful fits. I am not scared when I am away. And without the fear, there is barely anything left to the relationship.

[madeline7]

Powerful post. I too, had a disturbing dream a few weeks back. For me, it appears to be a way to continue to process all of the complicated feelings I have. From your post, it seems like you have a great deal of empathy, and I think it is great that you are able to have this considering the circumstances of being the child of a BPD. And it also seems like you have developed much needed perspective. As to when the dreams will stop, I have no clue. I would like to think my dreams will slow way down and perhaps stop once she is no longer here. It is jarring to have these dreams and wake up feeling such real emotions. Take care.

[Mommydoc]

Riv3rWOlf, you are self aware in linking your grandmother’s service and your mothers physical proximity, both to the dream and your anxiety about her “showing up”. I would have that same fear. As much as we try to separate from  and push these relationships aside for our own healing, the years of unpredictably and walking on eggshells mean that events like this are likely to resurface complex emotions.

Dreams have a way of pushing some of our subconscious thoughts forward. Many of my dreams are hard to figure out, but if we are curious, dreams can help us process the subconscious feelings and progress in our healing.

Your post really heightens my admiration for you, Riv3rWOlf, as even your dreams have such incredible depth. As you describe it, you do so with incredible clarity, the ability to see the suffering your mother, your stepfather, your brother and most of all you have each experienced self, with a depth of understanding, kindness, compassion and empathy. Most of all I love your self awareness and self compassion.

To which I answered : you don't really know who I am and what I like. And then the screaming and shaming started and I woke up feeling sad for me, but especially for her.

Your ability to know yourself, what you need and deserve, to recognize your mothers contribution to your trauma,  how unhealthy she is for you while holding her in a kind and empathetic light is an example for all of us. It seems to me that your dream represents a true radical acceptance of your circumstance, and an important commitment to yourself. Your recognition of who your mother is, rather than what you wanted her to be seems to be paving a path for your own happiness, without the anger and shame weighting you down.

I know, like all of us here, you are still processing the shame and anger, but it seems to me you have a level of clarity emerging that bodes very positively for your continued healing. Thanks for sharing with all of us. Wishing you peace as you grieve your loss and celebrate your grandmothers life in your own way this weekend.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks madeline7

She showed up.

Dropped tomatoes, earth cherries and a big board for the children. On it she wrote : Hi DD and DS, From BPDm and StepFather, with a big heart drawn on it.

I was in the living room browsing through Halloween decorations with my children when I heard the bell. Looked up to see her run as fast as she could to her car, and they drove away as I was opening the door to see who it was. And found the pile of stuff in front of the door.

My husband was triggered. I was ok. I thought it was only the board at first. What got me were the earth cherries because I really like those fruits.

H put them outside again and said we should throw them away. That she had no right to come here. That it was a poke in my chest, that she thinks she can do as she pleases and it's the principle: we need to throw the food away too.

... I see her try to repair the relationship, without having any courage to face me. It is strange... Now that I reparented myself, now that I actually feel like an adult most of the time, I can see how little she seems in comparison, like an unloved child.

Crazy.

[Couscous]

Riverwolf, I had a very similar experience last Christmas morning when my sister attempted to drop off gifts at the door, except my H and kids saw her and they exchanged a few brief words before she ran off and jumped back into the car where her fiancé was waiting with the engine running…

I wasn’t sure at first what to do with the gifts, and then I decided to enjoy the tea and cookies she sent, because, why not?

If I may ask, what are earth cherries?

[Riv3rW0lf]

MommyDoc, we crossposted. Thank you for your kind words. I hold great admiration for you as well. I think this dream prepared me for what happened this morning. I knew she would show up. I feared she would be looking for confrontation. But part of me knew better, and it let me know last night : she won't confront me, because I am an adult now...she lost her power over me, and she is now the one that feels like a scared child.

The thing is : I cannot parent her. I wish I could. But I can't.

I am not angry. I am peacefully sad. I think I did grow... Finding this forum was a godsend. I just have to accept the sadness. Mine, and hers. I wish things could be different, but like you said, and you are right, I am past any hope right now.

My mother is borderline, I know now. But I can see the love of a mother still behind those gifts. Deep within, she loves us and she understands what I am doing. And this is why she didn't try to speak to me.

Her illness brings her forward to face me, but the loving mother knows and understands I need the space... She didn't do this to hurt us. She didn't do this to anger us. She did it to let me know she understands.

That's how I decide to see what happened today... to help me heal. True or not, I need to believe there is a healthy part of her hidden in there that doesn't blame me, one that can see me.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Riverwolf, I had a very similar experience last Christmas morning when my sister attempted to drop off gifts at the door, except my H and kids saw her and they exchanged a few brief words before she ran off and jumped back into the car where her fiancé was waiting with the engine running…

I wasn’t sure at first what to do with the gifts, and then I decided to enjoy the tea and cookies she sent, because, why not?

If I may ask, what are earth cherries?

Groundcherries? Where I am we call them Cerises de terre. The correct name would be Physalis. They are a golden berry that grows wrapped in a very dry shell-like leaf. They also call it Japanese lantern. It is often used to decorate desserts, but with vanilla, they make an incredible jelly. They are not sweet... Hard to describe. Gotta try them.

Yes.. there are at least fifty box worth of the cherries and enough tomatoes to make salsa and other... I could give them away but then... Like I wrote in the other post: I would like to believe those came from the healthy part of her...

I remember when your sister did that, I actually thought of it when she came by. Also though of Beatrix (if I remember right) with her mother throwing stuff over her fence.